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Original poster

Full time working mum? Am I really a bad person?

33 replies

grcxo · 14/03/2021 00:26

During the pandemic we had taken such a huge hit financially (we weren’t entitled to much help and i was on maternity also). My SMP has come to an end and I’m starting a new job this coming monday full time.

Now although I am going back to work to help financially overcome the hit. I am also going back full time to help keep myself a good career afloat. While I have absolutely no problem with people who decide to become SAHP, this personally is not something I would like to do. Mentally I know it’s just not something I could do either.

I was personally so excited to start work but my MIL has decided to stick her two pence in and now I’m feeling guilty for wanting to continue with a career.....

She’s told me when she was younger she became a SAHM not because she wanted to but because it’s what was best for her baby, and that I should do the same. Rather than ‘abandoning’ the child and putting my needs first. Or at its bare minimum atleast go part time. (the industry I’m in, part time is unfortunately not an option, which means a complete career change...)

I feel so let down and I really don’t know how to feel. Is it really that bad for a mum to want to pursue her career after having a baby?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2021 00:31

Well her darling son could give up his job so his child is home with him instead?

I mean if baby is a few weeks old I might be a bit 😕 but otherwise it's not her business

WobbliHead3000 · 14/03/2021 00:32

Ignore her. She’s trying to put her own feelings of inferiority onto you. Don’t allow her to.

PutBabyInTheCorner · 14/03/2021 00:33

I think you know the answer to this question already.
Plenty of women pursue careers after having babies and work full time. I went back after 6 months with all 3 of mine. I never even considered it was a bad thing to do. They're all decent, intelligent children and I've maintained a good job.
Some people want to be sahm, some want to have careers, both are fine.

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Rainbowqueeen · 14/03/2021 00:34

It’s absolutely not a bad thing.

I’m further down the road than you and I actually regret the SAHP part of my life. I’ve come to realise that when your kids are tiny, they can have their needs met by a qualified carer. But when they are older they want their parents eg to talk to about friendship issues, to attend concerts etc. So going back to work when they are young and getting yourself in a position where you can attend their concerts, finish early a few days to be around after school is the path I would take if I had my time again.

Is your MIL suggesting your DH stays at home or is this just mother guilt?? Ignore her and do what is best for your family

Scottishskifun · 14/03/2021 00:36

Not at all I'm a ft working mum I went back when my son was 9 months holiday allowance meant I started back fully at 10 months but my son has been at nursery over a year. He absolutely loves it and it has helped his development so much especially in a pandemic!
We make the most of time together so after nursery, bath time and weekends don't feel guilty for working!

TheJerkStore · 14/03/2021 00:38

You are not a bad mum.
Ignore her.

Mintjulia · 14/03/2021 00:40

Ignore her, she's talking tosh.

The best thing for a child is happy secure fulfilled parents. If your mil was happier at home, that was right for her.

If you feel returning to work is right for you, that it equally fine.

TheJerkStore · 14/03/2021 00:40

I work full time for the exact same reasons as you - I love it.

Has she said the same to her son or is it okay for men to work??

HeddaGarbled · 14/03/2021 00:44

Yes, you’re a bad person for pretending that one remark has made you feel guilty and for trying to portray your MIL as a villain to a bunch of women who you know will take your side.

Cam2020 · 14/03/2021 00:45

There was a brief period where I wished I could have been a SAHM, then DP got sick - to the point where he can no longer work and never will again and overnight, I found myself bloody relieved that I didn't give up work and actually rather proud of myself that I'm able to provide for my family.

At the risk of sounding morbid or morose, no-one knows what's around the corner, but I'm thankful that I'm self sufficient and not reliant anyone. I feel like I'm teaching my daughter a good example and she is a very happy, sociable child who skips off to nursery in the morning to be with her friends. She also comes flying out at the end of the day to greet me with a hug and tell me all about her day. Our relationship hasn't suffered in the slightest.

We all have to do the things that suit us, not other people.

HeddaGarbled · 14/03/2021 02:02

This is such an obvious hot button topic: SAHM versus WOHM, with MIL hate thrown in for good measure. Plus it’s been done to death. Goady crap.

Fullofthejoysofspring · 14/03/2021 02:46

@HeddaGarbled

This is such an obvious hot button topic: SAHM versus WOHM, with MIL hate thrown in for good measure. Plus it’s been done to death. Goady crap.

This isn't AIBU

mrboingboing · 14/03/2021 03:06

@Rainbowqueeen

It’s absolutely not a bad thing. I’m further down the road than you and I actually regret the SAHP part of my life. I’ve come to realise that when your kids are tiny, they can have their needs met by a qualified carer. But when they are older they want their parents eg to talk to about friendship issues, to attend concerts etc. So going back to work when they are young and getting yourself in a position where you can attend their concerts, finish early a few days to be around after school is the path I would take if I had my time again.

Is your MIL suggesting your DH stays at home or is this just mother guilt?? Ignore her and do what is best for your family

I totally agree with this. Spot on.

Ineedcoffee2021 · 14/03/2021 03:17

Tell her to get fucked

Why is she only asking this of you, why not ask her son to be a sahd

Eileen101 · 14/03/2021 03:40

Ignore MIL. Everyone needs to do the best thing for their family, whether that be working FT or SAHM or any variation of the two.

I went back to work FT when DC1 was 10 months as we had no money and I don't regret it at all. I kept my career up that I'd worked hard to qualify into, pension contributions, no CV gaps, even being able to go to the toilet on my own, drink by tea hot and chat with people in the office kitchen felt like a huge deal after nearly a year of not doing so.

My FT wage meant that we can give our DC the lives we had as children - holidays, scouts, swimming, music lessons for example, as well as the benefits to my career that I've set out above.

Like Pp above, DC1 loves nursery and our relationship hasn't suffered in the slightest - quite the contrary actually as it meant I spent days off/weekends/holidays playing/reading/singing to him. He gets lots of cuddles from his keyworker who he's had since the baby room and it reassures me that he's going to be absolutely fine.

I'm going back soon after DC2 and don't regret this at all. On the contrary, although I've loved my mat leave, I'm looking forward to having something to stretch my brain a bit.

You do what's best for you and your family. Ignore the rest I understand it's hard to do that when they wear down at your confidence though.

Eileen101 · 14/03/2021 03:42

Oh yes and in the same vein as other pps above, if it's such a big deal, why can't her son be a SAHD

Ilady · 14/03/2021 04:35

Years ago a lot of women gave up work once they had children like your mil.
She may think you should stay at home like she did or work pt. In reality the whole covid situation has hit your family finances hard like so many people.
I agree with you as well that not every woman would like to be a sahm. Its not that you don't love your child/children but you know that you would be happier working outside the home. I know that a happy mother is a better one to her family.
Being in a better financial position when you have a child or children means that you can afford things like to live in a good schools area, get extra help if your child needs it or to develop their talents.
You don't know what will happen in the future so down the line your could be glad of your job and income to keep the family afloat.

Your mil had no right to tell you to be a sahm.

Slacktide · 14/03/2021 04:38

Tell her your DH is dying to be a SAHP only his penis gets in the way when he attempts to change a nappy or make dinner.

PutBabyInTheCorner · 14/03/2021 14:53

@HeddaGarbled
I agree.
OP asked 'Is it really that bad for a mum to want to pursue her career after having a baby?'. I genuinely didn't realise women needed to ask this question again.

Outbutnotoutout · 14/03/2021 14:58

Full time working dad? Am I really a bad person?

Ask this question, do you have a different answer?
Why?

niclw · 14/03/2021 15:02

OP I'm a full time teacher so not only work 5 days a week (in school 8am-5-30pm), I also work in the evenings at at weekends. I'm a single parent so it isn't an option for me to be a SAHM and I can't afford to work part time. I've actually found that working keeps me sane and in the school holidays I struggle to be home with a now 2 and a half year old for a week or two as I don't see anyone else (made worse by lockdown restrictions). My DS thrives as a result of the social interaction he gets at nursery and that I currently cannot provide at home. I wish I could work part time so I can spend another day or two with DS each week but I definitely don't regret being full time. Ignore your MIL it could be jealousy as she regrets staying home.

Defmy · 14/03/2021 15:06

It depends on what's best for you and your child and only you can balance those needs because you know the personalities involved.

I would ignore your MIL but as every parent should, stay alert to how your child is doing.

Mummyof2Terrors · 14/03/2021 20:15

Tell her to keep her beak out. I went back to work full time when my baby was 18 weeks old.

People like to guilt you by saying you miss out on so much, they grow up so quick. It's complete toss. Much of parenting is a slog, it's not daily milestones and rainbows.

Nothing wrong with pursuing your career. Enjoy it. I go to work guilt free.

Ggeemerc · 14/03/2021 20:27

In answer to your original question, no but it largely depends on how things pan out. You will know if your dc needs you around more. Sometimes they struggle, at various points of their childhood. It also depends how flexible your work is. It's shite to be that DC who's parent never comes to open book day, parents assembly,, sports day, plays... which all happen before 5pm ime. But when you have DC, and they are small and reliant on you, sometimes they do have to come first. That is my honest answer. But equally your dh could step up when it's needed. But if you think you'll just carry on as if nothing happened, you're in for a rude awakening. But that realisation comes over months or years and it's not your MIL's choice.

happytoday73 · 14/03/2021 21:25

She may be jealous you get to persue your career and she didn't? Alternatively is she providing childcare and now decided doesn't want too?
Or is she still stuck in traditional roles...
Im all for people giving their opinions but they need to respect yours and shouldn't be using words lika abandoned.. Its not like you are leaving child at home alone (hopefully 😂)
Agree with PP her son can juggle his life for your child.

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