Can’t afford to have another baby....

[SW2021]

I gave birth to my DD in May and I am really loving motherhood. I am keen for DD to have a sibling but at almost 38, I am conscious that I need to start thinking about this sooner rather than later. The problem is we can’t really afford another baby, especially if we are lucky enough to conceive quickly but I don’t feel like I can wait another couple of years to try at my age (when free nursery hours kick in).

We know that we will not be able to afford nursery fees for two babies and our house is cluttered as it is but I just cannot imagine DD being an only child and I can’t get the thought of another out of my head! Feeling like I am applying pressure on my DH and I am torn between being sensible and realistic and thinking that no-one can really afford a baby/babies! Of course, this is only relevant if we are able to conceive. WWYD?

A second is cheaper surely as long as you bought toys, pram etc in colours other than blue and pink

I think it depends on your finances and how you feel about them. How much would DD be disadvantaged by a sibling? Is it ‘just’ about nursery fees? Would you be scraping by with two? Would you not be able to manage? Would it be a tight for few years or do you think you’d be raising your children in poverty, with no realistic prospect of that changing? Would having a second child disadvantage your first (either in terms of not having the basics, or added stress and pressure on you due to being worried about money etc etc)?

With that said, there’s nothing that says you can’t do a bloody good job raising children on very little - money certainly does not buy love or happiness - but money makes life easier and it might not be the life you want for yourself and your child(ren), and that’s okay too.

I think you need to weigh up your financial situation IF you conceived quickly vs how you would feel if you left it too late and were not able to conceive. Only you are going to be able to do that. But in your position I would try to find a way to make it work financially (nursery fees aren't forever) because I also wouldn't want to just have one.

@LouiseTrees yes because heaven forbid a girl baby have something blue or a boy baby something pink

I have a small house, clutter with young children is inevitable and doesn’t last forever- at least if close in age they play with the same things so ultimately less stuff at one time. Could you afford to be a SAHM until your eldest would be in school?

When you say you cannot afford do you mean like 1 less holiday or couldn’t afford to eat?!

Baby born in May 2020 will get 30 hours free at nursery at September 2023. So you need to not go back to work from your second until round Sept 2023. So with a year’s maternity leave that means baby born about Sept 2022. So start ttcing Dec 2021.

Happy Christmas!

Could you get a job where you don't need to pay for nursery? Work evenings/weekends until school age.

@alwayslucky 🙄

Well it really depends on what you mean by afford

Do you mean you would struggle to pay bills and put food on the table if you had to pay for childcare for 2? Or you would lose your income totally because it wouldn’t be worth working etc?
Or do you mean that you’d have to give up some luxuries like nice cosmetics, holidays, a car upgrade or downgrade your food shop from Waitrose to Aldi?

If it means that you and your existing child may directly suffer (scrapping by to pay the mortgage and being really tight on budget with no emergency contingency) then I would wait until you at least get some hours for childcare to lessen the blow.

I had my 2nd at 39, I have two in full time childcare and my eyes bleed when I look at the nursery invoice. But we can “afford” it by being less frivolous with other things.

Our 2nd was a nice surprise and it’s lovely now but the first year of having very young children together at home as a stay at home parent nearly killed me. A Cluttered house, no spare money, no free time and no childcare options will be very hard for a few years. It’s not a reason to not do it but it’s something to consider.

We are in the same position but I am 43 and DH nearly 48. We are sticking with one as a result. We can’t afford 2 in nursery but don’t have time to wait until free hours (DD 18 months).

And when I say can’t afford, we couldn’t pay basic bills. I’m the main earner and we need more than £20k just to fund my mat leave. Just don’t have it spare, or the additional £700pm for childcare.

@Megan2018
Given you are the main earner, couldn't you just take a tiny maternity leave and your husband take SPL for the rest? Even if you do part time hours for a few months, rather than ft? (I was back pt in 3 months for both of mine, and doing the occasional KIT day from 6w, it's totally doable).

P.S> When anyone is teetering on the edge of what can be afforded, they are already in trouble. If one of a couple or a child becomes ill, long term, or if employment situations change, and they are without ample reserves of savings, what becomes of them?

Climate Emergency, population explosion, and Pandemics mean the future is not secure for many, but those with precarious finance are really at risk. There is absolutely no certainty anything in the world will be similar to the way it is now, for another couple of decades.

Mobs may be fighting for water, or any other resource. Public services simply may not exist as at present, particularly tax-purse hand-outs. Already, old people and disabled people are just being ignored by the state.
But look at news footage anywhere in the world, to see breakdowns and starvation and millions on the move . And look at the climate extremes and the pollution already here, the degradation of soil, contamination of water, plastic waste filling the ocean denuded of fish.
Can you be sure there will be order on the streets, let alone a tax-funded nursery and schooling and child payments and health care? Doesn't the first and second type of pandemic, with variants arriving from South Africa and Brazil and elsewhere, each worse than the last, suggest things are seriously different and getting worse?

I expect to be attacked for not nicely saying nice things and pretending everything is nicely permanently nice. But it might not be true. A nice policeman might murder you, and a nice priest might fiddle with the alter boys, we do know that.
But it is nice to ignore all the nasty truths and to think that we can all expect to go back to a maximum consumerist G.D.P and a ponzi house price inflation and everyone owing on average about a year's income as debt, but still spending, on credit, just like the bankrupt nation is already doing, and everything will be perfectly lovely. It's no time to bring extra people into the world. Even a substitute cute kitten is a liability, but it won't have a life expectancy of a hundred years. (I don't drink, but I'll admit I'm tired and my cheery optimism level has sunk without trace)

Same situation, always thought we would have two. I had DD at 33 and we have just got past the eye watering nursery fees as she has 30hours funding.
She starts school in September and we are looking at £20 a day for wrap around care, may be able to juggle work hours a bit but I don't think we will get it below £250-300 a month. Nursery was £1100 a month. We just can't afford to go there again, ive run up a credit card and overdraft to pay for emergency and things like car insurance during DD time at nursery

It sucks as I'd love to have another, I really would but now I'm almost 37 and don't feel I have the time to wait. Plus we are in a two bedroom and the second room is tiny so would need to find funds for a larger place once baby grew out of a cot in our room

I'll always be sad we can't have another, it steals at least 2 hours of my thoughts daily at the moment

Also another suggestion you might not have considered is having a childminder instead of full time nursery. I agree the cost of nursery is very expensive but childminder fees can be significantly cheaper so worth considering. They are often smaller settings and so you get a more home from home environment.

@Mumoftwoinprimary

Baby born in May 2020 will get 30 hours free at nursery at September 2023. So you need to not go back to work from your second until round Sept 2023. So with a year’s maternity leave that means baby born about Sept 2022. So start ttcing Dec 2021.

Happy Christmas!

Second this ^^ we thought the same about paying for 2 to go to nursery, but when you factor in the 9 months in which you will be pregnant, as we as your maternity leave when baby no.2 won't require nursery, it's not so bad. Our little one is not much younger than yours and we will start trying for no.2 at the end of this year.

Getting te expensive years out of the way when they're young makes sense....... If you want another baby go for it. Aside from nursery fees babies are very cheap to run.

@Babyboomtastic definitely not. I EBF my DD, still feeding now. I have a demanding job with a long commute, I would never want to leave a tiny baby for 12hrs a day to be bottle fed. It’s just not the sort of parenting I want to do. I took 14 months off with DD and it was amazing despite Covid.
Plus DH’s employer doesn’t offer enhanced pay, so we couldn’t even afford for him to take SPL anyway-we’d still need another £10k+

I adored maternity leave, if I did it again I’d have to do the whole thing the same as with DD.

But ultimately DH doesn’t want another at 50 anyway, even if we had the cash he would be very reluctant. And tbh I do think our family is complete as we are.

We have high outgoings as we met later in life and have some ongoing commitments. I have an elderly horse that I could never sell, she costs a lot but she is family. If she did die in the next year or so we could cover nursery, but I very much hope to have her for at least another 5.
I do have a second house we could sell, but investment wise that would be a bad move. It would take the pressure off initially as we’d pay off most of our mortgage but it’s vital pension income. Obviously that’s all choices, but I don’t want another baby enough to do it. I value the fact we will be very comfortable in a few years, we are just cash poor now.

@purplejungle

I think you need to weigh up your financial situation IF you conceived quickly vs how you would feel if you left it too late and were not able to conceive. Only you are going to be able to do that. But in your position I would try to find a way to make it work financially (nursery fees aren't forever) because I also wouldn't want to just have one.

@LouiseTrees yes because heaven forbid a girl baby have something blue or a boy baby something pink

I actually don’t subscribe to that. My girl wears blue and has a navy pram but so so many do.

Get a childminder instead. Where I live fees are half what nursery charges. I’ve been looking at childminders recently and shocked to see how they’ve changed since I was little- they’re mini nurseries rather than just sending your baby to some woman’s house like when I was a kid! The ones I’ve looked at all had purpose built nursery room, outdoor play space, ofsted good or excellent and a little “curriculum”!!

How much will another baby cost and how much are you missing? Do you have a excessive, good, or limited lifestyle?

Yes definitely need more information. There is a lot of difference between not affording nursery and not wanting to pay nursery fees.

When you say you cannot afford do you mean like 1 less holiday or couldn’t afford to eat?!

This. The second baby shouldn't need much more in the way of "stuff", so it's down to whether work/childcare arrangements are viable.

I think you have to decide what kind of family set up you're prepared to settle for. The only way we could've afforded a second was for me to return to full time work after only a few months maternity leave so I could earn enough to save and accrue the maximum maternity pay my company allowed for the next one. In the end, I didn't want to sacrifice time with the baby I did have for one that was a pipe dream at that stage. I took a year off, went back part-time and then spent the primary school years being able to work around pick ups and drop offs. Our DC is 11 now and I don't regret the choice we made. She's benefitted enormously from having more time with me and holidays, trips, etc that we wouldn't have been able to afford. But, and it's a big but, I didn't have a huge yearning for a second child (mostly because my partner and I both have siblings we're estranged from, so we know it's no guarantee of happy families!) like you do, OP. I guess my point is that if you do just have one, it can be really brilliant too.

Good luck with whatever you decide.