Toddler and Newborn - How do people do it!

[Noauthorityhere]

Hi all. I have DS who is 2.5 and DD who is 11 weeks and EBF. Im a SAHM, have been since DS was born. DH is very hands on around working full time and I get lots of help from my wonderful MIL. But my goodness I'm finding it very hard going right now. How on earth do people juggle 2? I know they do it, and I feel like with all the help and support I am surrounded with, I should be finding this easier than I am. But it's just so relentless. I'm not getting a minute to myself and its incredibly draining. DS dropped his daytime nap just before DD came along, and he has just learnt how to escape his room and so it's just full on right from the off each day. When will it get easier - 18 years time? Does anyone have any tips?

I had exactly the same gap but with no help! It was full on. I would mostly spend most of the morning getting ready to leave the house and then go to the park, or meet up with someone, or put baby in the sling and go to soft play, ot go to a baby group or something. Just to get out of the house helped so much. I was breastfeeding too, it's a blur really. One day at a time. They are 2. 5 and nearly 5 now and much easier.

It was very hard. 18 month gap here with no family support nearby. But it got easier all of the time and now they are 3 and 2 it is much better. Be kind to yourself. The days are long but the years are short!

I feel the same!
I have DD1 who is 2 and DD2 who is just 1 week old and I’m already finding it very overwhelming!

So so hard, lots of tears tbh. A few years later they have an amazing bond & I'm so pleased I had the gap (22 months) but I did not find it easy in any way!

Following as I had DD who is 2 and Ds is due to arrive in 4 weeks 🙈.
My DD doesn't nap anymore but I am keeping up her 3 days at nursery so I can have a bit of a break.

Also following - I’m navigating it myself with an almost 2.5 year old and a 6 month old it is getting easier as you get used to it but I’ll take any tips anyone has!! I have no idea how people have 3 little ones at the same time!!

Aw OP, it is hard! I had a 25 month age gap with my 2 and sadly no family nearby to help or nursery time for him. He also stopped the nap too, it was killer!
Biggest things for me were wearing the newborn in the sling. He bfed in there and slept in there. Its basically how I did anything. I cooked, tidied, ate, and worked with him in there (I wfh before the pandemic) and he liked to be cosy and close with me, despite being a giant baby haha.

Set your expectations LOW for any type of cleaning, cooking, screen time etc. It will get easier and better but it won't kill your older one to live on snacks and CBeebies for a while.
It's awesome that you have help so definitely use it in the best way possible. If you think she'd be happy to, then ask your MIL if she minds helping with the dishwasher etc. As it's this stuff that really takes the pressure off rather than bringing you cups of tea or holding baby whole you do it. I know it's a cheeky ask but I would have killed to have someone do a whip round of my flat when I had the newborn and 2yo.
Try and walk the 2yo once a day to the park, the fresh air makes all the difference.

We had days when all 3 of us were crying. The little one is 16mo now and it slowly got easier every day. Now I'm I'm dab hand and getting them bith dressed, ready in the buggy and pushing them around the place whilst dealing with tiddler tsntruns/handing out snacks/drinking a coffee/doing my job. You learn and adapt.

Oh and get a bouncy chair too!

Sorry for typos! Typing whilst bfing the little one!

I'm in a similar position - a 2.25 y/o DD1 and 6 month old DD2.

I have found it horrendous tbh! I don't have any family nearby and my husband works late into the night so pops out for 5-10 minutes at 6.45pm and that's it for Monday-Fridays.

I feel like it is so much more difficult than people let on. I never thought that it would be this hard.

My DD2 has really struggled with reflux and low milk intake which has made me so much more anxious.

I think it is slowly getting easier but it's tough. I'm sure you're doing a great job and hopefully you can carve out some time for yourself soon as I think this is essential to surviving this period! x

We have the same gap but 7 months ahead of you. It gets easier!

Regarding DS escaping his room, we had a stairgate on his door and only took it off recently. I just didn't want him roaming about if he woke up at night.

I was fortunate at first my DS1 would nap when baby did in afternoon. When this stopped I found it harder not to have time for myself/housework! If DS1 has cartoon time schedule it for when baby naps to give yourself a break? When baby wasn't napping or feeding they would be in a baby rocker or lying on mat where DS2 was playing. A good routine with baby helps, We had 3 naps a day, BF times were spent cuddled up with DS2 for stories. I think it's different for 2nd child maybe they don't get the same attention but they do get a big bro/sis to watch and be entertained by which is brilliant! I can't remember what age we started bedtime but it would have been very young, so by 7/7.30pm we were child free till baby woke for a feed at some point. When doing things for baby and older child fed up, tell baby stories about wonderful big bro/sis, lets you interact with baby while keeping older child on side! I'm going to have 3 soon, it's scary even thinking about how it will all work...but it will ...somehow!

It’s really hard and I think all the posters saying ‘oh it’s so easy they entertain each other’ have blanked out the first two years. I’d say it got easier at 6m and then harder again at 12m and easier at 20m. Feels like getting hard again as 2yo is having sleep regression and mine fight and everything is a battle. Hoping once the 2yos language improves they can be playmates rather than rivals.

Like Dustyhedge, I found it came in waves. The first few weeks are hard, then it gets easier, and for me it for harder again (as in the hardest but to date) from about 9-18m - ie when the youngest became mobile. From 18m it for easier again, and I think it's recently become easier than the first dip (3-9m one). I have no idea if it'll get harder again, but they are finally really starting to enjoy playing together, though there is a lot of refereeing now.

The early months I found ok if I'm honest, but I mostly had the baby in the sling, and fed her in there too, and I don't deal with our (still non sleeping) eldest at night, so could concentrate on my newborn.

Whether/when it gets better, you get more slick at the 'job' which helps.

I’m a bit further on with my youngest just having turned 1 and wanted to say it does get better. I think for me it got better once baby DS had a more regular sleep and feeding routine and went to bed at 7.30 as then I could do things like painting etc with DD when he was asleep and had a bit of time back to myself in the evening.
My DD dropped her nap about a month after DS was born so I made after lunch into quiet time when DD would watch something or play a game on my iPad or play by herself (although she always chooses tv) and DS would ideally either be sleeping or kicking on his play mat and it gave me a chance to sit and have a cup of tea and watch something on tv and just have a rest.
My DD also started back at nursery when DS was 5 months (we’d planned she’d go one day a week throughout but COVID intervened); she went 2 days a week and it gave me a much needed break, gave me one on one time with baby DS and gave her lots of stimulation.

I tell you what helps, every morning I get an hour to myself or two sometimes , Dh gives her a bottle of expresses milk and gets them both up and I either read, have a nap, or just mindlessly scroll on my phone. That time makes all the difference

You do whatever you have to do to get through. My 2 yo watches all the Peppa/Bing/Cocomelon/insert other cartoon monstrosity here and has fish fingers for lunch. My 6mo cosleeps in our bed from 10pm and spends the rest of her life in the sling.

It not ideal and its not how I specifically want parenting to go but I don't have the energy to sort it all out just yet......

I had 2.8 years between mine. The eldest also dropped the final nap around the time I discovered I was pg.

THe baby just had to fit in around what I was doing with the toddler after the first couple of weeks. I tried to stick with the toddler routine as much as possible. Baby could sleep in car seat, bouncy chair, moses basket or sling depending on where we were/what we were doing. I ended up feeding where ever we were when the baby needed it, rather than waiting for her to need her next feed before going out etc. Housework etc had to wait until the weekend. If I could get toddler fed during the day, as well as myself, DH usually did dinner when he got in.

I never got a real break as the baby never took to a bottle/cup. I bf until 15 months!

We also had a baby gate across the toddler's room, and the nursery and the kitchen, as well as top and bottom stairs. It was much easier to keep the toddler contained. I also liked using a play pen - either to keep the baby safe from toddler, and once crawling, but also for the toddler to go in so that the baby couldn't get at eg colouring equipment, puzzle pieces, lego etc that the toddler was playing with.

Thanks all for your replies. It is nice to know I'm not the only one. I feel crap to know that no one is getting the best of me, DS has had a huge change in his life with his sister arriving, and his development is sky rocketing at the moment (hes a late talker and it's all coming now) which is wonderful but incredibly trying. And DD is just a passenger in the day, she gets very little one to one attention that's not just me feeding her. Going to have to take it a day at a time. And order loads of crap for the garden to try and entertain DS.

Exactly the same here currently, OP! I struggle mostly with the guilt of my lack of one-to-one time with my toddler too. My go-to solution is to go out for a big walk everyday without fail, with my 2 month old baby in a sling. He will sleep while I do this and toddler dd gets lots of fresh air and we can chat on the walk. Lunch when we get home, then I don't feel too guilty about some TV, as she's usually a bit tired from the walking. Or I put her down at the table with those magic colour watercolour books. Out again in the afternoon in the garden or for another (much shorter) walk with baby in sling again.

My toddler doesn't do the escape thing anymore, but could you put up baby gates for the time being?

As for your dd, she's OK! She just want to be close to you and to see your face and have some 'chatty' time at the moment. She'll be getting all she needs from you. Do you use a sling?

I got a double pushchair quick and pushed them out for the afternoon every afternoon. Thats the bit of peace and quiet I get.
Some nights they pass the baton of sleeplessness between them.

We have stairgates everywhere, and thankfully because we bought them all second hand they're all different. So he may have cracked the one on his bedroom door but the others are all still effective (for now!) We had an awful walk this morning where DS wanted to sit by every drain and throw stones down them. Why do puddlesuits make them so slithery. I am going to try and build up having DD in a sling so we can go on walks without a pram, I use one for her around the house occasionally. I have a back problem which flared up recently (probably contributing to my grumpiness) so have been using the pram for her. That way we can go on the more fun walks where toddler is more likely to cooperate. He hasn't sat in the pram for about 6 months. Thank goodness he's a good sleeper!

I've got a slightly bigger age gap. Eldest goes to nursery a couple of days a week so baby gets more attention on those days. She spends a fair bit of time in the sling. Eldest watches more TV than I would like! Some days are great, others are awful. I drink a fair bit of coffee.

Mine are 2.5 and 5 months. The 5 month old cosleeps all night. I do not get a second to myself. I reckon between Monday and Friday if timings allow it DH will bath them both so I get 10 mins to get myself ready for bed. That's the only baby free time I get

Honestly its breaking me. Sorry I cant be more positive. If I could just get the baby napping alone that would help so much. They are both asleep right now but baby is on me

Grit your teeth. Lower your standards. Take each day as it comes. Mine have a 2yr 3 month gap and it was bloody hard. I found lockdown helped tbh in that I wasnt putting myself under pressure to be places at certain times. Definitely recommend baby in a sling and toddler in a buggy if you havent got a double. Baby is less needy than toddler at this stage in a lot of ways so dobt feel bad.

We are 18 months into it all now. Dd1 seems to be coming out of the tantrumy phase which helps. However I do think it also means dd2 is just entering it...