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Original poster

Step Children - Advice needed!

62 replies

Alwayskeepbelieving · 08/03/2021 09:38

I am at my absolute wits end with my step children and I am now at the point where I don't know if I can continue my relationship with my OH.
I met my OH 4 years ago. We have been living together for 3. We dealt with the introduction to his 3 children very slowly. His ex-wife has been very difficult throughout and continues to be. She cheated on OH and left him 2 years before we met but as soon as OH and I got together, she wanted him back and we have dealt with all kinds of drama over that. I know that she is very rude about me and my OH to the children.
So, OH and his 3 children moved into MY house that I bought and paid for entirely. I have 1 child from my previous marriage too.
At great expense I have adapted my home to accommodate his 3 children, who now each have their own beautiful rooms. When they came they had virtually nothing of their own as OH had all sorts of debts, which I helped him to clear. I have bought them furniture, bikes, clothing, you name it.
Despite everything that I do for them - feed them, house them, clothe them, they are so rude and disrespectful towards me. They swear at me, they shout me, they completely ignore me when I ask them to do or not do something, and I have simply had enough of it.
My OH doesn't stick up for me as he says I am being too sensitive and they don't mean it, that they have had a really hard time etc, etc and that their Mum is horrid about me so they are bound to be difficult. It essentially ends up that I have to apologise to them for whatever upset them in the first place and led to their outbursts!
I might add that I try very hard not to tell them off or to tell them to do anything, but there are times when I have to, e.g. if my OH is not around etc. They treat my house like a hotel and me like a servant. When OH is around they make some effort but as soon as his back is turned the snide comments start. They even criticise my home which is ironic as they lived in a tiny flat before.

I keep trying to talk to my OH about it but he says he doesn't want to talk about it, that I am the adult and I should just stop being so sensitive about it. They are just kids and they have had a difficult childhood with lots of uncertainty with their mother (who has a constant stream of new men and who is very unkind towards me). I am always putting myself out for them and it is just thrown back in my face. They only speak to me when they want something. I spend most of my weekend walking on egg-shells biting my tongue practically in half!!
If my child is rude to my OH, I am on it straight away and I won't tolerate it at all. He says that it is different because I have my child all the time and he only gets to see his at weekends and he doesn't want to be seen to be taking my side over theirs...
Am I being unreasonable here? Is my OH right that I should just continue to suck it up and ignore it as I am the adult?

Sorry for the long rambling post. It was somewhat cathartic to get it all off my chest! Thank you in advance!

OP posts:
A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 08/03/2021 12:40

This is really awful. Home is a safe space, I can't imagine walking around on eggshells being shouted at and spoken to like that, with the parent of the children doing nothing about it. I couldn't put up with it, and that would be the end of the relationship for me.

How old are the children, and has it been this bad since the three years ago they moved in? Are they okay with your child also, or unpleasant to them?

If I was in your shoes I'd have to bring it up as a dealbreaker to him, as in you will need him to move out if it doesn't change. And if he's not willing to do anything about it, then follow through on that. That's providing the rest of the relationship is good and you want to try to make it work. If there are other bad aspects of the relationship, I'd have to make him leave.

The fact they aren't mindful of the fact its your house as well is shocking to me

Sidewalksue · 08/03/2021 13:01

Dont give him a dealbreaker. He obviously hasn’t bothered his arse up to now. Do you really think the children are going to have a massive turn around now because he’s going to tell them. How long do you think a new attitude will last?

RandomMess · 08/03/2021 13:55

Your OH has bled you financially dry and seemingly uses emotional blackmail on you.

Tell him to move out and then you date again. I'm sure once he's gone you will no longer even want a relationship with him!!

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MuddleMoo · 08/03/2021 14:14

This is your OH's fault. Kids are kids- they need parenting. If they were there all week he wouldn't let them get away with it. Don't spend another penny on his kids - they have two parents who can provide for them. Then give him a month to turn it around or he's out.

MuddleMoo · 08/03/2021 14:16

Think of your child, they are your priority. They may have had a difficult time with the relationship break up but letting them get away with this behaviour is doing them no favours.

Original poster
Alwayskeepbelieving · 08/03/2021 15:17

His children are 8, 12 and 13.
They have always been very challenging. I think it probably is getting worse as time goes on though he has always allowed them to be rude to me and I have always been the one to be “in the wrong” for allowing it to upset me.
They are not rude to my child. I wouldn’t have it and my OH knows that. We had one incident where his eldest was rude to my child and I told them straight that if they wanted to stay in my house they would always treat my child with respect no exceptions. My OH knows that where my child is concerned I mean business! I need to revert to my inner mummy tiger a bit more often I think!!
He didn’t really have a home as such before. He was living in a friends house before he moved into my house. He literally had nothing but the clothes he brought with him and I think looking back, I felt sorry for him, I was lonely and not feeling the best about myself after a difficult few years. I think it has all kind of crept up on me and now I feel terrible at the prospect of throwing them out but equally terrible at the prospect of them being here :-(

OP posts:
A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 08/03/2021 15:29

With your update, it doesn't sound like the relationship is that great, or that you really love him? If feeling sorry for him and bad about throwing him out is all you really feel, I think you need to do it as soon as possible. Maybe someone can have your child for a sleepover or a dinner so its easier for you

willibald · 08/03/2021 15:42

JFC, what a cocklodging twat! He saw you coming! Your child sees his kids and your partner treating you like shit and you not only allowing it but also paying for it. He's a useless mooch. But you put up with it. Tell him he's got 2 weeks to move out and if he cries, so what?

Easterbunnygettingready · 08/03/2021 15:43

So your dc is respected but you are the unpaid skivvy?
Bin them all op...

Bibidy · 08/03/2021 15:55

You absolutely should not have to put up with this! Your OH should be stopping any bad behaviour from his kids, full stop.

My advice to you would be to tell him that you will not longer be making an effort with them or doing anything for them. If he won't tell them off when they're badly behaved then why should you run around after them? Detach, detach, detach.

Carolina24 · 08/03/2021 16:01

Toughen up OP. There’s no magical fairy who is going to float down and get rid of them for you. You either have the difficult conversation and ignore your partner’s manipulative tears, or you accept that this is your life and your child has to grow up watching you be treated like shit in your own home.

Sidewalksue · 08/03/2021 16:06

This won’t get better. It will get worse judging by their ages. You are outnumbered in your own home! Be thankful that it’s your home and you don’t have to find somewhere to live to leave him.
Children can go to their mothers and he can sort himself out. Easy.

Howshouldibehave · 08/03/2021 16:13

Getting rid is not straight forward. He becomes VERY emotional if I try to even suggest that I have had enough and then I just end up feeling terribly guilty

Well, if you won’t end the relationship as it’s too hard, nobody else is going to do it for you.

This sort of thread is so sad-you own the house yet are letting all these people take complete advantage-why?!

Yes, it might be a bit hard to tell him, but then it’s done and you have your house back with nobody treating you like dirt. Why would you not? You’re setting a terrible example to your own child-do you really want them to see you being a doormat? What if they grow up to be just the same?

Easterbunnygettingready · 08/03/2021 16:26

It really does boil down to who's mental health are you responsible for?
YOURS!!
He is a manipulator...

Hercules12 · 08/03/2021 16:31

He's got it easy with you, Op. Honestly you are worth so much more. It's not a step child issue you have but a useless partner. It's OK to be single Smile

combatbarbie · 08/03/2021 16:57

Tell him to make alternative arrangements when he has his children. It is a DH problem which you know but I wouldn't and haven't tolerated it in the past with my step children.

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/03/2021 17:16

Hi op

All due to you lovely, he saw you coming I had one like this
If you kick him out, he'll have another home lined up very quickly
This type turn the charm on off very quickly

All the money you have spent and are spending is not appreciated
So put it in to savings for your child, he sounds useless
What's his input house keeping wise to you .

Ragwort · 08/03/2021 17:25

Wow, he isn't have thought he landed on his feet when he met you and saw your lovely home - you've given his children lovely bedrooms, bought them bikes, clothes etc and cleared your 'D'P's debts ... what exactly does he bring to the relationship?

You are far too soft - toughen up, think about the money you've spent, wouldn't you rather now save for your own DC's future than spend it on this ungrateful man and his rude children?

Original poster
Alwayskeepbelieving · 08/03/2021 17:27

His input house keeping wise is virtually nothing. I don’t let him pay anything towards house so he has zero rights to my house if we split (probably the only sensible thing I have actually done). He pays towards food but that’s it. Financially I’d be better off without him.
Thanks for all of your replies.
Some difficult conversations to be had.

OP posts:
ChancesWhatChances · 08/03/2021 17:28

You either share your home and life with people who have zero respect or care for you, for the rest of your life. Or you throw out the useless piece of shit, he’ll take his kids with him and you’ll be free to find someone that actually does love and respect you to spend the rest of your life is.

It’s either hard for a few weeks, or it’s hard for the rest of your life.

wifterwafter · 08/03/2021 17:32

Good luck OP. I think the best thing to do is go back to dating. Get home out ASAP. He's seen you coming and you're a meal ticket for him and his DC.

Fwiw this happened to a friend of mine, similar scenario and when all the dc were independent her OH upped and left.

RandomMess · 08/03/2021 17:45

He doesn't even pay his share of the council tax bill or towards utilities ShockShockShockShockShockShock

Fireflygal · 08/03/2021 17:58

Op, this will only get worse when the children are older. I know from experience. There is no happy ending if this has been happening pre teenage.

I know it's easy to blame the Ex but your partner is contributing to the toxic situation. How do you know you are spoken about badly? Just watch out for triangulation. Are you being forced into their toxic drama - at the outset you may have felt protective of him but were you also trying to rescue him?? Now that the rose tinted glasses are off..what are you left with?

Gingerkittykat · 08/03/2021 23:52

He's a drain on you both emotionally and financially. I can understand that kids don't appreciate that you are the one providing the roof over their heads and buying them things but they should treat you with a basic level of respect.

Do you know what he was like in his previous relationship? Did he pull his weight financially or did the ex get rid of him for good reasons?

I would also put my foot down on him leaving you alone with his kids, they are his responsibility not yours.

Newcastleteacake · 09/03/2021 00:05

You do realise that you are teaching your DS that this is how wife and mother should be treated. If this situation continues he will treat your future DIL the way you are being treated.

Your OH and his brats bring absolutely nothing positive to your life.