Does anyone else find it so tough?

[rainbows724]

I’m a first time mum and since having my baby, I’m finding it so hard to cope with how little free time I have.

I’m constantly struggling to keep on top of the housework (the house seems to look like a bomb has hit it most of the time), batch-cooking meals for the baby from scratch, non-stop washing up and laundry and keeping the baby entertained and spending quality time with him. I’m also working part time when the baby naps and at night - although this is proving harder than normal right now as he seems to be going through some sort of sleep regression.

Friends have totally fallen by the wayside as I’ve just not had a chance to respond to people’s messages for weeks.

I don’t have any time for self care - my skin is dry, my hair is hideous, I never wear make-up, barely any of my clothes actually fit and I feel like a slob most of the time. I know it doesn’t matter in a way as with lockdown I’m not seeing anyone anyway (apart from DH), but it does affect my mood.

I know loads of people have it FAR harder than me (those with more than one child for starters) but I’m finding it all such a relentless grind.

I look back at my old life, when I thought I was so busy, and I can’t actually believe I felt like that, it’s almost laughable.

Has anyone got any advice?

None. It's shit. Biggest regret ever.

Yup, you've summed up parenting pretty well there. I've got two, both preschool age now, and I guess it's slightly easier, but the only way to cope is to lower your standards a bit. Who cares if the house is a mess, if the food isn't perfect, if you are 75% dry shampoo and caffeine, this stage won't last forever.

Sounds normal. Don't expect it to get better for a few years.

How old is your baby? It's so hard! It does (slowly) get better

Turning 40 and the contrast with child free friends and family is exceptional. I swear I look ten years older, as well as being poorer.

It’s all worth it for the Kodak moments though - isn’t it?

You could use childcare rather than working when DC naps & sleeps?

Urgh. Parenting with small children is tough. How much is your DH doing to share the load? You mention lots of what you’re doing/not doing but I wonder how equally everything is split?

A dishwasher immediately, you can sterilise in it too. Also a decent washer dryer. Baskets and tubs to chuck stuff in, it doesn't need to be organised. Give yourself a break and try not to be a perfectionist x

He’s 11 months, so I’m over the hardest bit in many ways - although his sleep still isn’t great.

I think the person who talked about lowering standards is probably right, but mentally it really gets me down having an untidy house - like when there are piles of stuff mounting up and I can’t find what I need, or the lounge is covered in dust.

Nursery and a cleaner aren’t an option as we don’t have the funds.

I love my beautiful boy, just wish I could hand all the cooking, cleaning and washing to someone else!

It’s all worth it for the Kodak moments though - isn’t it?

If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I would still 100% have my baby. But it is also relentless!

The most important thing you need to know is that IT WILL NOT BE LIKE THIS FOREVER.

Like you I struggled massively with the lack of spare time and freedom and hated it. But it's got much better. Mine are 8 and 9 now and despite lots of issues with DS who has additional needs, I do at least get time to myself at weekends and lie ins.

Oh, and I'm a single parent who works full time. When I just had my first, was on Mat leave and still had a DH I couldn't imagine being able to work even part time. You adjust.

It WILL get better, you’ll find your stride. But for now, be kind to yourself. Sleep when you can, try to eat healthily, don’t be afraid to ask for help.

It is relentless! Good enough is fine. And those older people who stop you in the street and tell you how precious these times are are massively annoying. But they're right 🙈 There will come a time when you'll be able to just huff them in and want time to stop. Mine are 2.5 and 5 and it's already going too fast
This time last year I felt like walking out the house and not looking back

Yeah it is so hard. You’ve described my life for the past two and half years with two under two.

I will say that once they turn one it does get easier, mine suddenly started sleeping, once they are walking and stable on their feet you can leave them with some toys and cbeebies in the next room whilst you tidy etc.

It def gets easier. Absolutely need lower expectations too - if it helps I never think “I just won’t clean the house” but I say to myself it’s fine to leave the house for the day and do it on the night when kids asleep or I will say ok I’ll leave that washing pile until Saturday.
It sort of helps me to plan washing my hair, tidying, life admin etc. When I’m having a really busy day and I can’t get anything done I don’t stress about my grotty hair, I just think “it’s ok because I know I will be washing it tomorrow morning”

I don’t know if that makes sense but it feels like I have a tiny bit of control in the midst of the chaos.

Every few months I look back and realise it’s got slightly easier - hopefully you will start to feel that too

Are you a single mum? If not, your partner should be stepping up to help with some of this, so at least you're not doing it alone. You otherwise will just not be able to go ahead with part time work, it is a huge ask for you right now.

It's certainly not abnormal. It's also getting used to it first time around - by the time I was on my third, I was much more practised at the baby stuff and at my routine, so had more free time (or would have, if there weren't two other DCs needing attention too!)

One big tip is to do as many jobs as possible when your baby is awake. You can play together while you do it, it will take a lot longer but be happier. You can do this while you cook (e.g. 'baby, this is a sweet potato! Do you want to touch it? Ooh, it's rough', or put on music and make your chopping go to the beat) or while you do the washing (put them in a bouncer and they will spend happy minutes watching the water flood in and the machine go around, then let them feel different fabrics, play peekaboo behind a flannel), and mine all used to love going to sleep in the sling or cot while I did the hoovering or dried my hair after a shower, it's great white noise.

For the deep cleaning with chemicals etc, I used the Organised Mum Method so it was 30 mins, 5 days a week, and got DH to hold the baby. Even better if you have funds for a cleaner, even once every 2 or 4 weeks. I'd fund a dishwasher first though!

For cooking, make it easy for yourself, lower standards. Egg on toast with an unchopped hunk of cucumber and a few cherry tomatoes is a relatively balanced meal, and ready meals and freezer food aren't evil. Again, if you have a partner they should be helping, you can do a big batch on the weekend so your weekdays are easier.

Its the hardest job I've ever had but I wouldn't change a thing. See it someone can have him for a few hours whilst you get the house how you need/want it. Then once its done, have set times when you clean. So for example when baby is in bed at 7, cleaning is 7-8. Don't worry about it during the day. Then say washing clothes and preparing food is at 9am when baby is napping. Just try not to put pressure on yourself but a schedule really does help!

Yep I find it relentless too.
I love her so much (always feel like I have to just state that first, before I have a moan) but I don’t enjoy it. I won’t have another.
I feel guilty about every single thing I do/don’t do.
Having an untidy house brings me down and she keeps bringing all her crap downstairs, moving things from room to room constantly. I hate mess but I also hate tidying especially when it’s someone else’s mess. (I know this unreasonable btw)
Some things have got better as she’s got a bit older but I’ve forgotten what I enjoy.
I feel the same though op, I don’t regret having her. And I totally get where you are coming from re: thinking I was busy before I had a baby. Oh my god the freedom!! I didn’t appreciate it at all. I would love to go back for just one day though and lie on the sofa all day and have a nap and watch tv that isn’t kids tv or just sit in silence.

Don't worry about the dust. Cuddle your baby. Run a cloth over surfaces every month or so but otherwise, forget it. One day he'll be able to make his own breakfast, get himself showered and dressed and it will all be much easier. Until then, one day at a time x

I am in the same boat, which also feels like it is filling with water sometimes and I can’t plug the holes quick enough.

I’m trying to maintain the house, can’t stand it being untidy, and it drives me nuts when I’m tripping over stuff, don’t have the worktop space to prep food (because I’ve not tidied up), or can’t find a clean vest in the drawer if DD has a poo explosion. Or your sat there for a split 5 minutes with a cup of coffee looking at the dust on the tv unit.

Also trying to work part time to keep my business going whilst DD naps or sleeps in the evening. But then finding time to play, wean, go on a walk, cook meals and general life is draining. I am a single parent too, so no support of a partner, and in lockdown not much help off friends or family.

I’ve put DD with a childminder one day a week, I’ve found it’s helped so much. I can do a chunk of work, whilst also sorting the washing, cleaning round, and then it’s easier to manage through the week. That one day is knackering, as it’s none stop. In the long term I will increase the hours, but she is only 4months. As a PP suggested I also use the Organised Mum Method. Can your DH/DP help with some hours, so you can get a chunk of things done / split the chores?

It is really tough.

My ds is 10 months and I try to do as many chores as I can with him so that I can have a bit of time to myself when he's asleep (rather than having to do chores then). He 'helps' me unload the washing machine, sort clothes etc - it obviously takes 1000x longer than it would otherwise- but I tell myself it's quality time! I also sometimes put him in a sling on my back when I'm cooking.

Same here. Especially the part re old life and thinking we were busy then...

It gets better. Honestly, I hated the baby years. Babies are cute but they suck the life out of you. In a lot of ways, it's a damn sight easier being pregnant.

But this is really a very short time. I know it seems endless now but it passes.

So much good advice (tomorrow I’m going to try doing chores when the baby is awake and involving him!) and it’s a relief to hear from others in the same boat, makes me feel like I’m not alone. Thanks everyone.

I think the part time working is very hard - if I didn’t have that it would be so much easier. It’s the needing to work during naps and at night that I really struggle with, because there’s barely any down time. It’ll be easier when he goes to nursery, but that is over two years away!

It's completely normal and whilst it's irritating now, it passes quickly. Do what you can to get by for now and it'll get easier. I found Frozen food, bottles in the dishwasher (when they were old enough) life changing!

Sorry OP, that's normal. It changes over time, though I've never found it gets "better" - just new issues/challenges/problems with each stage. Parenting is bloody hard work.