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Original poster

Should I give my children my last name?

28 replies

Elizabeth996 · 01/03/2021 21:37

Me and my partner have decided to end things after 6 years together. We have 3 children together and got engaged almost 3 years ago.

Something that has always bothered me is not having the same last name as my children. Obviously after we were engaged it was something that would happen eventually but obviously now we’re not together anymore it won’t ever happen.

I know some people it might not bother but I’ve always been upset by the fact and I’m genuinely devastated that i will never have the same last name as them now. I have been thinking about asking my ex to double barrel their names but in all honesty I never done it before because our names just don’t sound right together. My name is pretty long and they both begin with the same letter, it just is a bit of a mouthful and I feel quite selfish doing that to them just for my sake 🙈 I have even thought about changing my last name to my late mums maiden name but I feel like my dad would be quite upset by that too 🤷🏼‍♀️ They weren’t together anymore but my mum still had his last name as didn’t want a different one to mine and my siblings (probably where I get the need from!)

It wouldn’t be an option to take my ex’s last name either incase anyone suggests that, and I wouldn’t ever completely change my children’s name, wouldn’t be fair on them or their dad.

I know this is me probably just being selfish and sad but I’m finding it hard to get past. Has anyone dealt with similar or are able to give me any advice?

OP posts:
MrMahoneysPants · 01/03/2021 21:41

You would not be unreasonable but I wonder what you would do if you remarried or had more children since it seems you planned to change your name

wusbanker · 01/03/2021 21:43

You've talked through all the available options here and rejected them, so what do you want us to say?

Original poster
Elizabeth996 · 01/03/2021 21:43

@MrMahoneysPants

You would not be unreasonable but I wonder what you would do if you remarried or had more children since it seems you planned to change your name
Of course currently I am not thinking about any of that, but in the event it ever happened I would now always keep my last name or double barrel so I would always have the same name as my children
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AnonymousAuroch · 01/03/2021 21:45

Why can't you take your ex's last name? That would be the easiest solution.

Original poster
Elizabeth996 · 01/03/2021 21:45

@wusbanker

You've talked through all the available options here and rejected them, so what do you want us to say?
I haven’t necessarily rejected them all. I just want to know if anyone has been in a similar position. Am I selfish for wanting this? Should I change my name and not care what my dad would say and just think about myself? Is there any advice on moving past it if that is what the general consensus is I should do?
OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2021 21:46

I'd take the same surname as your kids. It isn't "his" name, it's theirs.

Original poster
Elizabeth996 · 01/03/2021 21:47

@AnonymousAuroch

Why can't you take your ex's last name? That would be the easiest solution.
It just wouldn’t feel right now. Definitely would be the easiest but it wouldn’t feel right. Up until we have ended things it was something I had looked into doing before we were engaged, then after engaged when we had no plans to marry quickly but it just seemed inevitable that I would have that name one day so I wasn’t as concerned.
OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2021 21:47

I have even thought about changing my last name to my late mums maiden name but I feel like my dad would be quite upset by that too do you mean so you could then double barrel it?

Original poster
Elizabeth996 · 01/03/2021 21:50

@SleepingStandingUp

I have even thought about changing my last name to my late mums maiden name but I feel like my dad would be quite upset by that too do you mean so you could then double barrel it?
Yes, change my last name to double barrel my children’s with my mothers maiden name song with their current last name. It would definitely flow better, still a bit of a mouthful but would sound much better than with my current last name.
OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabeth996 · 01/03/2021 21:52

My main concern with taking my children’s (ex’s) last name would be if I ever did get married or have more children how that would go down with a new partner. I just feel it wouldn’t work out in the future if that ever did happen. Though currently it’s the last thing I can foresee or want to happen I am trying to be realistic for the future too

OP posts:
snoopy8 · 01/03/2021 22:00

Hi OP, I do understand where you're coming from, it's a tricky situation. How old are your DC? Could you change their surnames to yours? It shouldn't be automatic that they take their fathers name.

Original poster
Elizabeth996 · 01/03/2021 22:07

@snoopy8

Hi OP, I do understand where you're coming from, it's a tricky situation. How old are your DC? Could you change their surnames to yours? It shouldn't be automatic that they take their fathers name.
They are 5,3 and 1. I would love to do that but I would feel bad doing that to their dad. We’re still on pretty good terms and understand why he wouldn’t want that, as much as I want them to have mine too. Especially my eldest is at school and would be strange for him as he identifies with his name a lot now. I would feel bad changing his completely. It’s so tricky though, we had arguments each time they were born about it 🙈 I know some people won’t get it but it’s really a hard subject for me x
OP posts:
Tangledtresses · 01/03/2021 22:08

Omg yes!!! Give them your name, as it's an utter arse ache getting through customs etc

But also take his name why????? Utterly bizarre that people are suggesting this

Tangledtresses · 01/03/2021 22:10

Do his name and yours...easy!

HotSteppa · 01/03/2021 22:11

When I got married I thought I would take my husbands name, in the end I didn't, stuck with my maiden name. The kids have his surname and to be honest I wish I had given more thought to sharing a name with the children as they just have his surname.

Our names don't work together double barrelled but I think if I had my time again I might give the kids my name as a middle name so they would carry it with them and have it on documents etc but not for everyday use.

My husband has his biological dad's name as a middle name, they have no contact, and he doesn't use it at all, intact resents seeing it on official docs, though that's because they have no relationship and lots of negative history. His surname is his dad's (stepdad who adopted him at 8ish so 100% done all the Dad-ing and been there for him) he said he would have considered taking my name but wouldn't want to hurt his dads feelings. He totally gets why I don't want to change my name.

I'm OK with not having the same name as the other 3, the kids occasionally seem a bit put out and say they want to change to my name.

Onlinedilema · 01/03/2021 22:17

You can't change your children's name, h t officially anyway. I would just leave things as they are, you were obviously happy with this before. If you do meet someone else and have more children think very carefully before giving that child your new partner's name. I definitely would not change your name to that of an ex partner.

Original poster
Elizabeth996 · 01/03/2021 22:22

@Onlinedilema

You can't change your children's name, h t officially anyway. I would just leave things as they are, you were obviously happy with this before. If you do meet someone else and have more children think very carefully before giving that child your new partner's name. I definitely would not change your name to that of an ex partner.
I’ve never been happy with the fact. We had disagreements each time our children were born, but also were engaged, or thought we would eventually marry and all then have the same name eventually and seemed silly to then change the children’s names again.

I should have pushed harder and looked at this situation and would definitely never make that mistake again, though I feel like I won’t have anymore children anyway.

I definitely won’t be taking my ex’s name.

OP posts:
Firefliess · 01/03/2021 22:26

You could get them changed legally on passports, etc, but leave just the one they already have as the one they're commonly known by at school etc maybe?

But I honestly think you might be better just to leave it alone. They're your children 100% whatever name they have. My kids have my ex's name (we also split when they were small, never married) and I've not found it a problem. I've traveled with them a lot and only on one occasion did the passport control question anything, and that consisted of asking my kids who I was, to which they replied "our mum" looking a bit bewildered, and that was all. Schools are pretty used to parents having different surnames these days. Hospitals do not ever ask for proof of who you are IME (and you'd be listed on their records as their mum anyway) You also might want to think about what you'd do if you changed their name and then went on to marry yourself (as I have done) - if you'd want to take your new husband's name you could end up with your kids not having your name or your ex's (or having a double barreled one with half of it but shared by you)

Maybe just give it a year or so until the split has settled down and see if it still bothers you?

coldsandinsleepingbags · 01/03/2021 22:40

I kept my surname when I married and we ended up choosing to double barrel our names when we had DD. Neither of us loved our names double barrelled as they don't match particularly well but we both wanted our children to share our surname so it was the only way to achieve that! 2.5 years now since DD was born and actually her surname doesn't sound at all as strange as it did to us when we first decided on it. I think that can often be the case with double barrelling - sometimes it just sounds weird/not right/too much etc because you're simply not used to it. But to a stranger they'd probably not really question it. Am sure there are some exceptions to this if names are an absolute disaster together but generally I wonder if you might be finding the double barrel 'top much' just because it is unfamiliar to you. Personally I think it is the best solution and I 100% get you wanting your kids to share your surname. People have often asked me 'what if your daughter gets married and wants to change her name or double barrel with her partner and just keep her father's part of the name' - I'm of the view she can do what ever the hell she likes with her name as an adult without fear of judgement from me! Good luck working this out OP x

coldsandinsleepingbags · 01/03/2021 22:44

I should clarify... DH and I didn't double barrel our names - we kept ours as is individually and just double barrelled for DD.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2021 22:53

@Elizabeth996

My main concern with taking my children’s (ex’s) last name would be if I ever did get married or have more children how that would go down with a new partner. I just feel it wouldn’t work out in the future if that ever did happen. Though currently it’s the last thing I can foresee or want to happen I am trying to be realistic for the future too
But if you were married before you split you;d have his name, do you think a guy would be put off because you had the same name as your ex?
Original poster
Elizabeth996 · 01/03/2021 22:54

@coldsandinsleepingbags

I should clarify... DH and I didn't double barrel our names - we kept ours as is individually and just double barrelled for DD.
Thankyou.

I do wonder if it’s because it’s unfamiliar, they are very similar sounding names though. Both begin with the same letter and end with the same sound, to me it sounds like a lot in one go 🙈 I’m mixed on whether to just do it but them still be known by just one name. But is there any point to doing that, just having it on paper for my sake 🤣

Totally with you on when they are old enough they can do as they please and I won’t mind but while they are young I’d like that connection. I hate having to explain to professionals i have a different name etc, with school etc too. It just makes me feel disconnected which is silly when they are obviously my children! 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabeth996 · 01/03/2021 22:55

That’s a good point to be honest. God it’s a minefield 🙈

OP posts:
Firefliess · 01/03/2021 23:01

You really don't have to explain having a different name to professionals though. Often (eg doctors appointments or parents evening at school) they don't ask your surname at all. The most they'll ever say is "Are you mum?" Never, ever "Are you Mrs [child's surname]?"

Anywhere that does need to know you're surname asks you, and writes it down, no questions asked.

Original poster
Elizabeth996 · 01/03/2021 23:06

@Firefliess

You really don't have to explain having a different name to professionals though. Often (eg doctors appointments or parents evening at school) they don't ask your surname at all. The most they'll ever say is "Are you mum?" Never, ever "Are you Mrs [child's surname]?"

Anywhere that does need to know you're surname asks you, and writes it down, no questions asked.

I’ve had random encounters before, with health visitor, doctors, nursery- even after exposing I was still put as that name on invoice etc! It wouldn’t bother me half as much if it had never come up as much in day to life already 😣
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