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Original poster

Age when family start to look after your DC? Babysitting

53 replies

Opalfruits2 · 25/02/2021 07:35

Hi we are due in July 2021, we had a mmc last summer and this will be our first child.

My MIL looked after her first GC x1 day a week (from 7.30am to 5pm) from when he was 10 months up until 4 years old when he started school. At first was he wasn’t even walking yet and it seemed very young to have him looked after ALL day, but alas, no kids yet, what did I know?! Not my issue and of course it is his grandma so . MIL did say she was exhausted after the whole day with GC, she did and still does work full time but got one day a week off for specially for this. Fast forward to now, she’s SO excited for another GC of course. I do get on with her generally.

ANYWAY so I was talking to my mum about how it worked in DPs family as above, she was adamant that I shouldn’t leave baby with anyone for that long a period until they are at least 2...?

Curious as to what MNer’s think?

I know this will be mine and DP’s baby and ultimately our decision. I work from home, so I am in a good position when baby arrives. There is no need for my MIL to have this GC in the same fashion, but she has already started mentioning she can’t wait to have ‘this baby on a Friday again!’ and that it will be ‘our day’. Which is sweet, she is so excited. But you can see the niggling concerns I have, there will certainly need to be some boundaries as I cannot see myself leaving baby with her all day from 10 months in the same way lol sorry, especially as I do not NEED to do this!

I’m just second guessing myself as DP and I are both first time parents, he only has his side of the family to compare it to and no one else has had kids yet on my side!

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

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Enterthedragons · 25/02/2021 08:27

You won’t be able to work from home effectively with a baby around, no matter how flexible your work. You’ll be grateful for her help and a little break once baby is actually here.
We don’t get any help from GPs with our DC and I’m very jealous of those that do!

HeartShapedMoon · 25/02/2021 08:35

I would definitely take tour MIL up in the offer if and when you feel it's right. And if your MIL is capable of it.

My first baby went into full time nursery at 7m. At about 9 months both my mum and my MIL had the baby for a day each in my own home. (8:30 to 6ish) It was a lovely experience for both of them and lessened the fees for me.

Do you think your mum said 'not before 2 yrs' because she would be nervous of you asking her to have the baby and she feels she wouldn't cope as well as MIL and she feels funny about that?

brokengate · 25/02/2021 08:41

I think much depends on the child as well as points above. My older Dd is ridiculously hard work at 2, whereas at ten months mil would have managed fine. A full day now possibly not. She really is at exploring, running, pushing every boundary stage. 10 months she was crawling but could be contained in a play pen and napped nicely.

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SpacePug · 25/02/2021 08:43

I went back to work when my baby was 7 months and my mum has had him sleep over every Friday night since then (give or take the odd week for holidays) he's 2 now and absolutely loves going to Grandma's every week. I don't think there's anything wrong with a Grandma having her grandchild for a whole day once a week while you work/get a break. You'll probably look forward to it each week like I do 😂 though I have a newborn now who I obviously keep at home while toddler goes off to grandmas so dont get a break as such. My mum has already mentioned when can she start having little one for sleepovers too when he's older

Flittingaboutagain · 25/02/2021 08:48

Hi OP

I largely WFH and will do a lot after mat leave. My mum will have the baby 9-5 one day a week I don't need longer as won't be commuting. During mat leave I will also do some other work on the side from home and she has offered to have the baby two mornings a week for that to help top up earnings. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. 8-6 is not necessary if you don't have a long drive or if MIL can collect and drop off baby.

Flittingaboutagain · 25/02/2021 08:52

Also my mum has offered to have the baby overnight now and then whenever I feel ready. I had my brother's baby for them when it was 7 weeks old and my SIL cried with relief from getting a bit of sleep the first time I did as baby was waking up every single hour for weeks. I think I'm going to be biting my family's hands off but also will be prepared that every baby is different and we can't be sure you we'll feel either.

TheJerkStore · 25/02/2021 08:56

MiL starting babysitting pretty much straight away. She would have DS for a couple of hours at our house and sometimes stay over. She started having DS overnight at hers from around 12 weeks and would have him around once a month. She will also have him for a couple of nights at least once a year so me and DH can go away together - in normal times obviously!

DS is 6 now and loves staying over and has missed it this last year.

Original poster

Opalfruits2 · 25/02/2021 09:02

@HeartShapedMoon wow - I could make a whole other thread on my mum but it’d be too triggering right now. Will just say she was not pleasant. As adults our relationship is good (loving) and she overcompensates for it, I feel. I have no doubts she will be a different grandmother to the mother she was.

Can’t believe I didn’t see the dynamic you mention, could very well be her knowing (at some level) she did not cope very well so is worried! More to think about. Thank you.

Yes temperament of DC so important too, soo excited to meet our child!! I know the first GC has always been headstrong and a bit boisterous/lashes out - MIL struggled. She says to me that ours will be laid back because me and DP are. I chuckle with DP about this as that means nothing

OP posts:

DinoHat · 25/02/2021 09:04

This varies so much. I’ve never left my DC overnight and he is 2 (bar an emergency stay in hospital) I was due to leave him for him for the first time when he was 18m but Covid cancelled the wedding.

He didn’t stay with grandparents for more than a couple of hours until he was 1ish.

Ohdofuckofdear · 25/02/2021 09:10

I've babysat for my nephews and nieces from when they were about 18 months old,my parents looked after my nephews and nieces from when they were around 3.

Myself and my DH first looked after our DGrandson when he was about 3 months old and we loved it and he had a lovely time with us but were only in our 40's so that may make a difference,but at the end of the day it doesn't matter what your Mum thinks because it's your baby so you have to do what's right for your family and your MIL.

miltonj · 25/02/2021 09:15

It also depends on what your baby is like. Just wait and see how everyone feels at the time!

OverTheRainbow88 · 25/02/2021 09:35

You’re thinking about something that is about 14 months away. Anything could happen or change by then, you don’t have to decide until 13 months time and see how you feel closer to the time. Go along with it for now with mil and reasses closer to the time not giving it any more time at the mo.

Mine started at nursery at 10 months 7.25-5 ish 3 days a week.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 25/02/2021 09:39

I dont think you can have a solid plan about this type of thing now. You can have a vague idea but putting anything concrete in place is a bit of a waste of time I think.

I think not leaving the child with anyone for an extended length of time before they're 2 is a bit OTT, but then im a working mum with an 11 month old so perhaps my viewpoint is skewed. From a personal point, my son seems to love nursery. He goes 3 days a week 0715-1630. They get up to all sorts there that I just cant provide in the home environment. I think he gets a lot from it.

Sootess · 25/02/2021 09:54

Your mum is definitely OTT
I didn't leave mine with anyone (except for short time) until about 5 months.
MIL having baby for 4 or 5 hrs from a few months old will be lovely for both of them,

Teamox · 25/02/2021 09:57

Don't forget to factor in the absolute exhaustion to your working time too. I did some (very small amount) of freelance work from around 3 months. But getting up every few hours in the night absolutely killed me and my ability to focus on the work. I could only really do it at the weekends when DH could have the baby for a few hours at a time between feeds. Even that work at weekends was mentally tough to get into when i just wanted to spend time with the three of us or visit family and friends. (Or sleep!)

GrumpyHoonMain · 25/02/2021 14:00

@Opalfruits2

Hi we are due in July 2021, we had a mmc last summer and this will be our first child.

ANYWAY so I was talking to my mum about how it worked in DPs family as above, she was adamant that I shouldn’t leave baby with anyone for that long a period until they are at least 2...?

Curious as to what MNer’s think?

I’m just second guessing myself as DP and I are both first time parents, he only has his side of the family to compare it to and no one else has had kids yet on my side!

Thanks in advance

That’s a strange comment from your mum. Plenty of babies go to nursery from 3-6 months. Do you think she’s telling you politely she wants nothing to do with childcare until 2?

GrumpyHoonMain · 25/02/2021 14:02

DS was left with Mum for the day at 2 weeks old (with plenty of expressed bottles of milk) when I needed hospital treatment and DH had to go back to work. So it just depends on the quality of the caregiver. 10 months is absolutely fine if it’s what you want.

Bibidy · 25/02/2021 14:14

I would guess that most children go into some form of childcare as soon as their mum goes back to work, and for some this is well before 1, let alone 2!

Also - don't forget that just because your MIL looked after her other grandchild from 10 months doesn't mean she will expect to do the same for your child.

Personally, the only time I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a baby with someone else for a day is when they're really tiny and that's more for the babysitter's benefit!

yearinyearout · 25/02/2021 15:24

I think it totally depends on your family and the relationships you have with them. My dm had my first from day one pretty much, she would have her for a few hours while I slept (both of us were at her house) and when she was a few weeks old and I was poorly with an infection she had her overnight. MIL started having her for the odd afternoon when she was about ten months old (I went back to work P/T)

yearinyearout · 25/02/2021 15:32

I forgot to add, I think it's important for the GPs to build a relationship with your baby, and the best way to start building that is for them to be allowed to look after baby for short periods of time.

You'll probably find that having someone the baby is happy to be with will come in handy when you do want or need a babysitter. How willing do you think baby would be to stay overnight with them suddenly as a 2 years + toddler having not been used to it from early on? If you're happy to be sole carers and not use babysitters that's fine, everyone is entitled to do things their way but I was delighted to have children who were excited to stay with their grandparents 😊

hatedbytheDailyMail · 25/02/2021 15:34

ANYWAY so I was talking to my mum about how it worked in DPs family as above, she was adamant that I shouldn’t leave baby with anyone for that long a period until they are at least 2...?

Sounds like your mother was trying to tell you not to ask her to do full days of babysitting!

mindutopia · 25/02/2021 16:24

Personally, I wouldn't have either of our parents looking after our dc for a whole day as routine, particularly at that age. They just aren't the sorts who could manage a baby or young toddler, and there are health and other issues involved. We have had our mums stay with ours for an evening (we put them to bed, they sat in the other room in case of emergency) from 8 months, but not often. I think it's a lovely offer, if they are well and sprightly enough, but it wouldn't be something I'd personally regularly do but I think completely depends on your relationship and the grandparent in question, how close they live, where it will happen, etc.

mindutopia · 25/02/2021 16:26

That said, it's important to add that you won't really be able to look after a baby and work from home. Not except in cases of emergency where there is no other childcare. So you will need childcare if you plan to go back to work, unless you have the sort of part-time job that can be done in the evenings after bedtime or a few hours on the weekend. That doesn't mean you need to use family though.

ParkheadParadise · 25/02/2021 16:31

My sister had dd overnight at 3 weeks.
My inlaws had her occasionally overnights from 6 months. When she was about 1 she stayed 1 night a week with my inlaws. She's also been on holiday (7days) with them.
She regularly stays overnight with my niece and my sisters.

MeadowHay · 25/02/2021 16:36

I had to go back to work 4 days a week when DC was 9m old. DM had her 1 day a week and she was at nursery the other 3 days. She has had a strong bond to her DGM since she was tiny and she definitely sees her as an additional significant caregiver after DH and I. I'm so glad they have this strong bond as I lived very far away from my own grandparents and never had that type of relationship with mine.

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