Frustrated SAHD, frustrated working mum - anyone out there the same? any advice?

[drobbin]

Would welcome any advice.

We came back from overseas about 8 months ago and have been struggling to get back on our feet. We are both self-employed and DH has struggled on and off with his profession for years,s ome really busy patches but some dreadful ones.

With two toddlers and bills to pay, I am currently working 3 days and he does 1.5 days. This is causing huge problems. I have the potential to become full time but that would stop him working if any job leads came up (his job is one where work comes up in days not full weeks). He's also adamant about not putting the kids into childcare, I'd rather not but would if it meant ends meeting financially.

He loves our kids but hates being a SAHD. Our friends keep asking when he'll be working full-time and its shattering his confidence every time. His friends in particular seem to be awkward talking to him.

I feel resentful as the plan is always that this situation is temporary, so I can't build my business up and I'm still doing most of the childcare at the weekends plus all the housework and cooking.

I feel like I'm in both the traditional roles of mum and dad.

We can't really make any plans because he is always waiting to hear back from new potential jobs. We are eating into our small amount of savings which was supposed to be for our house deposit. Bizarrely he can still earn more in his profession working a couple of days than getting a low paid full time job which would mean we would have to pay childcare and wouldnt break even.

We are starting to resent eachother. I can see how miserable he is, how it goes against everything he was brought up with - to be the main income earner. I would love to have a bit more time off at the wekends but he'sgoing mad having had the kids most of the week. He's getting more and more down and losing the motivation to follow up work leads.

I don't know what to do anymore. I try being supportive, giving him breaks but end up resenting it when he's lying in every morning. He won't talk to me about money, we say we need to budget and then he goes and spends £50 on something we don't really need. I try not to go mad at him but I find it frustrating when I've worked hard to earn most of our money.

Sorry this is just turning into my own personal cyberspace rant. Just wondered if anyone else's partner was doing most of the childcare not by choice and experiencing these problems. We just seem to be drifitng on month after month.

He's a lot more cheerful when he's working - I think he just needs one break - to find a day or so more a week and he would be so much happier...

that's why we're putting things off i guess. i don't want to lose all time with my kids during the week and he doesn't want to get a full-time job that's much more badly paid and start getting a lot of childcare..

The twin parents I know are all very traditional. Dad works f/t - mum is full time at home.

I couldn't have been my MIL either. She used to cry every day for the first year - how sad and isolating is that...your mum sounds like a star.

is your DH sharing the childcare with you too?

thanks so much for all your advice

Yeah he shares (dh). He's being a complete star actually. It does help that ds is 3.5 and at preschool every morning - roll on next spring for you. dh does 8am to 9am Mon to Thurs plus 12.40 to 3.30 also Mon to Thurs. TBH I think it's quite a lot for a very traditional guy, plus it breaks up his day badly for work. I'm hoping to get some other form of childcare which allows him to work 9am to 3.30pm from January.

One day a week sounds like an excellent compromise and 'headspace' for you all. No parents is so hard [mind boggles at thought]. In our local area we have this information sheet where people often advertise about childcare, do you have anything like that locally? But the best place to start, as I'm sure you know, is the local Childcare Information Service (phonebook or web).

if your dh would be happy to be around at home to supervise, you coudl consider a nanny in training or other younger person, who would do the bulk of the actual playing, but could ask your dh for advice or help. But that would reduce the helpfulness of it, plus they woulnd't be registered, which would mean you couldn't pay them any childcare voucher money.

god I'm really pouring this out. MUST go home....!

cheers choosyfloosy, i really appreciate your help. will look into the options. your dh sounds like he's doing a great job and it's good to know that pre-school makes life easier. have a safe journey home!

Choosyfloosy - some great advice, I'll be taking it myself

You're quite right, my mum thinks she didn't have nay help BUT, someone did her ironing and cleaning once a week, my neighbour would look after me when she went out, and my dad was around quite a bit!

Just wanted to say Drobbin that any decisions you make do not have to be forever. Things will def change when your dts get to 3-3.5 and are really wanting to be with other kids. My dd1 just loved pre-school from the age of 3 upwards.

It's much harder for the one doing the childcare to see that the situation is temporary, for them it feels like a desperate situation that will not change. Also that time is passing them by. I know that my dh is happier if he can see a time when things might get easier, even if it sometimes seems like way off in the future.

Your dts are very, very lucky to get so much time with both of you when they are so young.

cheers fondant, you're absolutely right - it does sometimes feel that the stage you're in will last forever. i'm so grateful that he's at least got some work so that i can have some time with the girls during the week and i know he values his time with them and makes the most of it.

thanks all for such kind and thoughtful advice and support - it helps to feel you're not the only one who's not doing everything perfectly!

x

OMG, you describe my life a few years back with dh doing consulting trying to build up a business and me working full time and paying all the bills. I felt like a full time sahm mom and full time working mom because I only worked the morning and cared for the kids in the afternoon and had to pick up the extra hours in the evenings or early mornings. I grew to resent dh as he slept in all the time and never helped, came down at lunch and left his dishes everywhere and rarely cleaned without nagging. We fought all the time and the more time I gave him (and none for me remember) the more he seemed to take with no change in his attitude. We did get childcare for the mornings when I was at work. A lovely woman who came in and watched them while dh worked upstairs in an office. It didn't work. I resented paying while he was not earning much and he began to come down and order the childcare woman around with his suggestions on childcare. His business was months and months, no pay then a lump payment on a contract but we would have starved if that was what we lived on.

My solution as it was ripping my marriage apart and killing me with stress. I had to tell him clearly this wasn't working and I could not live like this. He had to find a full time job out of the house where he left from 9-5 and earned a steady, regular paycheque. I began to take charge and make the decisions that made sense and, he actually came to agree with most of them. Few years later, we are more financially secure, dh is doing great working outside the home (PS he didn't realize but being at home all the time had eaten into his self esteem and he was despressed without knowing it). I have been able to take a leave from work and be home full time with the kids (and evenhave more babies). We talked through alot of what went wrong in those years and survived the.

My advice, you need to try to take charge as best you can (you are likely beaten down and tired too) and make some decisions and get your dh out of the house. He sounds like mine was, paralzed by fear of failure and unable to move forward. My thoughts are with you but you can move to a better place and improve your marriage. We are stronger for it although I would nto have predicted it at the time.

Christie, that's so kind of you to take the time to share your experiences, things do sound very similar. It's comforting to see how well you moved on from such a difficult time, particulary to have more children which is something I'd love to do.

He really is parylased by fear at the thought of moving forward, that's such a good way of putting it - but we're talking more and more which is really helping. He's been offered the chance to do a set of photos for our neighbours and their kids, something he's brilliant at but hasn't had the confidence to do. He was going to turn it down but with a bit of childcare he'll have time to build this up and see if it works, even if it's just a one -off payment it'll help our finances and his self-esteem

Will keep you posted!

Thanks so much again x