Consequence for DD(6) hitting

[TheDukeissoHot1]

What do you feel is an appropriate consequence for a 6yo DD who struggles to control her temper & regularly hits both DS(10) & me?

When she loses it she will scream, shout, insult me, throw things, deliberately damage something of DS’s or physically attack (scratch/hit/spit/kick). It is vile behaviour.

She has no additional needs, behaves like an angel outside of the home. We do not hit or smack our children. Our DS(10) is very gentle natured & has never hit her or us.

Have been trying to deal with it for a long time using naughty step/time out, loss of favourite toys and screen time but doesn’t seem to have any effect. I want her to realise this behaviour cannot carry on.

Current situation with lockdown really not helping and I desperately need new strategies.

Yes I’m a clearly a shit parent or my ‘consequences‘ would have worked years ago. Please, no judgemental posts, am looking for helpful, constructive advice.

Oh OP, sounds like maybe she just needs to be at school. We are in a similar situation to you (DH keyworker out of the house, I’m at home working FT, also could claim keyworker status). I settled on part time school for all of our well-being.

Regardless of all this, anger management is something she’s going to need to work on, and it’s not easy because it’s so instinctive. Often the outburst happens so quickly. Well done for heaping on the praise when she did well. With the sobbing I would just go with lots of empathy and vocalising the feelings (oh, I know you don’t like doing your work on your own, I know you miss school, it’s sooo hard isn’t it - channel Sybil from Fawlty Towers). Name the feeling, acknowledge and validate it and move on, because that’s the skill she’s going to need for herself.

I went on about diagnosis a lot earlier, and it still applies, but it’s also irrelevant. Whether or not there is a diagnosis there, she’s still the same person. The only reason for pursuing as a parent is to get that extra lee-way with school etc

I’ve been contributing to both these threads and am confused about what I’ve said where www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4179511-autism-in-girls?msgid=105147588#105147588

Thanks for being so supportive @Flamingolingo it really helps. I’m just going to keep on trying hard to catch any outbursts and help redirect her as much as possible. Like you say it’s very difficult to catch them all as they often happen so quickly.

In terms of school her behaviour there is excellent, so there’s probably no merit in pursuing anything. We tried with DS (who does show signs at home) and after monitoring him for the best part of a year, they had no concerns with his behaviour at school so they wouldn’t take it any further.

Yeah, I get that. I wouldn’t have got diagnosis for my child if school had much input. His came via other routes and school were surprised.

@Flamingolingo

Yeah, I get that. I wouldn’t have got diagnosis for my child if school had much input. His came via other routes and school were surprised.

That’s interesting. What other route did you take? We went to the GP first of all when he was 3 but they wouldn’t do anything unless he struggled at school & they were also concerned, so we waited it out for a few years, then as he was still struggling we approached school. The head was fab about it & took our concerns very seriously but staff couldn’t see any issues so that was that. The head felt he probably held it all in during the day and then let it out in his safe space.

Very similar to us then. We had access through speech therapy. We saw someone at preschool age for a persistent stammer and ‘advanced’ language. Some of his behaviour in those sessions was raising questions rather than alarm bells, so the speech therapist sent him on. All the way through it was unclear to us whether there was something there, but there is something about him that experts can see and nobody else can. He too seems like an absolute peach except at home

She was perfectly safe in her room and eventually ended up playing by herself with her playmobil. She was much calmer when I went to speak to her and we discussed her behaviour and her emotions, said it was perfectly acceptable to feel angry, but hitting DS/me or calling me names was not going to be tolerated. I followed through with the consequence and she missed her Minecraft time but will be given the opportunity to go on it again tomorrow.

I would add empathy and internal locus. So "I am sorry you missed Minecraft time. I know you love that. But you won't hit next time and you'll be able to have Minecraft." So the power is with her not you.

My just turned 6yo is exactly the same ..at wits end xx

I’m going to have a look and see if I can find the chart my DD was given by her speech therapist. It shows reactions and what they’re proportional to, but I can’t remember what it’s called. It has really helped DD regulate her emotions.

@MrsTerryPratchett thankyou, I’ll try & make sure I phrase it in that way next time. I did (sort of) point out that it’s her choice to make but how you worded it is definitely better!

@Kab30 you have my every sympathy! Hopefully next week marks the beginning of some sort of return to normality and a (hopeful) improvement in behaviour for them both. It’s been such a stressful time!

Let's hope hun ...normality might help ...or as close as we can get at mo xxxx