I've been checked out as a parent

[LittleMango]

Hi,
I don't even know where to begin with all of this and I don't want to make excuses because I know I've been absent and done a bad job.
I'm a young single mum - the first year of my child's life was so hard. The hardest time of my life (abuse from my child's father, social services involvement, moving 3x for safety and a court case against my child's father). Now it's been a while since any incident and no social services involvement anymore.
My child is almost 17 months now (he was 2 months premature too) but I feel like he's behind on everything - talking and walking. He doesn't say any words but he does understand some stuff, he's not took any steps by himself. I feel like it's because I've not been there
I'm physically present of course but I'm absent mentally. We don't play any activities during the day, we rely on cocomelon and little baby bum (it was easier when he was younger because he needs were less complex compared to now). I'm not sure what he's after when he's moody or crying. I feel so lost and I don't know what do... I want to change all of this. But I don't even know where to begin.
I don't have the most amount of support - it literally is just me. He goes to nursery twice a week while I'm at work and I feel like that helps his development. I just feel like I've got 3000 things to do and not enough time and sometimes aiding my baby's development and playtime is at the bottom of list Partly because I don't know what I'm doing, time and just my own mental health issues.
I feel like I'm going to raise a child who feels like his emotional needs are neglected and that's the last thing I want to do. I have his father constantly emailing me accusing me of being a bad parent because I don't "let" him see our child and sometimes I think it would just be easier to give in because I wouldn't be doing everything alone and have some support.
I just want to be a better parent
Sorry for the ramble

To your dc you are the most important person in the world.. You have successfully kept him safe from his df for one. Block all means he has of contacting you. Report him to the police for harassment if necessary.. Have you seen your GP? I had a bad time with my exh and similarly felt detached from my dc for a while. He suggested I had ptsd symptoms although was wary of pushing for am official diagnosis.. Felt good to talk to him about how I felt... You certainly won't be judged op.
Talk to your health visitor of you have concerns about his development.. Remember all dc are different.. One of mine was 15 months before he walked. My dgs was 7 months!! A bloody nightmare he was!
You are doing great - you are both safe.

Hi OP, it’s so positive that you can recognise this as an issue. My DS is 20 months and I know how hard it can be to find motivation at times. I think if you’re struggling this much, sometimes setting really small goals for the day may help. You could start off small, for example, ‘at 9 o’clock this morning we’ll play ball for 15 minutes’. You could use the word ‘ball’ lots and lots while playing passing the ball to each other or hiding the ball behind the cushion. Even short spurts of engagement like that will be invaluable to your baby and you’ll feel really accomplished after doing it. Please let me know if you’d like any more bitsized ideas. You can do this!

I agree with PP about talking to your health visitor if you’re at all worried about development. They’re there to support you, not judge you

Small steps. No use going from what your currently doing to 100% different overnight.

Can you change 1-2 things you think would help for a week, before changing something else.

Maybe -
no tv 1-2hr before his bed, that time just for 1-1 playtime and reading with him.

And get him outside everyday for at least 30 mins. Either in garden, local walk, park. Use pram if needed or let him practice walking very slowly

It’s fine to have time to do bits you need do as well.

@Snowymcsnowsony sometimes I do feel so detached from my baby and then I feel guilty for feeling detached. Like a never-ending cycle.
I know without my baby I wouldn't have pushed myself to leave the abuse. If it was just me I'd still be in it - so I'm grateful for that but it's just hard sometimes. Thank you for your reply.
@MoroSun Bitesized activities is actually very helpful way of thinking of things. I didn't think of that. I would love more suggestions? Thank you!
I have talked to my health visitor before and they weren't super worried because he does understand things but I get worried because of this guilt that I'm actively not giving my baby enough engagement and maybe that's the issue.

@Caspianberg I think small goals sounds do-able and I'll think of a couple of things that I could change. Thank you for your reply, it's very helpful on getting started on "changing."
For walking outside he'll do so if he's holding my hand but he wouldn't take steps by himself. Not sure why at the moment because he's definitely sturdy enough.

Hi OP. You sound like you've had so much on your plate already, and the fact you're thinking about your little one's development alongside everything else shows you're a great mum. Definitely speak to your health visitor if you can, but just to put your mind to rest a bit - anything up to 18 months is considered normal for walking, and that's for babies born at term. And a lot of babies don't talk much till they're older - remember that signs and animal noises also count as words.

With that in mind, I'd definitely echo what others have said, start small and carve out a tiny bit of a routine at a time. A specific hour when the tv goes off, get outside every day, even if it's just a short walk in the pram. And don't forget that interacting with your baby doesn't have to mean dedicated play time. Have him in the kitchen with you when you cook, give him a plastic bowl and a spoon and let him "help" (I give my toddler vegetable peelings to stir, etc), get him to help you load the washing machine etc. Even if he's not interested in getting involved and just watches you, that's fantastic for development.

Go easy on yourself too. It sounds like you've had a tough start to parenthood and it's fine to need some downtime, everyone does.

Hi op sounds like you've had a rough time. Some good advice on here. I just wanted to tell you that my friends son didn't walk independently until 19 months, and he's now a really active bright 5 year old. Just happens that way sometimes, there was no reason. You've done well to get where you are, and keep your child safe. Best wishes to you x

Are there any family support charities in your area OP like this one
You sound like you're doing an amazing job, and as PP have said, just try and do one or two little things every day, this will soon become a habit and then you can build on this.
Have you spoken to nursery about development - do they have any concerns?

They develop in their own time but it's really easy to blame yourself if they seem to be "behind". My DS born on due date, has two engaged parents, extended time with me as I didn't go back to work till later, loads of classes and activities and still didn't walk till 17 months and didn't talk till after 2. Have a chat with your HV but sounds within normal development to me.

You've obviously had a rough time of it so cut yourself some slack. I agree with PP about starting small - you see all these pictures on soci media and it's overwhelming. Big one for me is sitting on the floor with DS - at this age they'll be playing along side you rather than really with you so if he's playing with blocks you can sit and play with blocks too (just build a tower!) and talk about how high it is, or the colours you've used, or who might live in the tower. It's modelling good play and language skills. You only need to do 10 minutes or so here and there throughout the day.

you need to ignore the ex mithering - I assume he doesn't see your child for good reason - he is abusive and you have been on the run literally moving 3x. I would spend a bit of time each day with your child when your focus is not elsewhere - allow yourself that time, read tactile books, build things and knock them down, help him toddle about holding a hand or sofa surfing, I might also try teaching him a few baby signs if his speech is a bit delayed - it would reduce the frustration - so sleep, drink, food etc. Try and take the time to sing and do actions as well that he can join in with, please also speak to any support you have from DV or SS it is definitely a lull downward that is entirely NORMAL in your circumstances.

Just get off the internet and play with your child. Set aside, 3 or 4 half hour slots in the day, when you will focus solely on your child and their needs. Sing a song with them with actions, read a story pointing out things in the pictures, go for a walk pointing out whatever you see, do 'exercises' moving around. TBH it sounds as though you are making excuses, you brought the child into the world and it is your responsibility to parent. I know this sounds harsh but you need to act and not whinge on the internet. Your DC only has you.

ps I would make sure you have a set email for him to communicate to and only check in once in a while and frankly for the most part try and ignore him. If you can I might also try and direct emails to a third party for them to pick out where you need to respond and ifnore the other red herrings

Big hugs 🤗
Play time make most important even if you maybe read to him or play in the Bath and lots and lots of cuddles .
Emotionally involved is very important to your little ones development, so try not to worry about household chores ect ect .
It must be difficult take one day at a time xx

I’m so sad you’re blaming yourself for this.

It’s not your fault, you keep a roof over your baby’s head and they’re warm, safe, clean, fed and most of all loved.

They won’t be crawling into school at 5 years old, some are doing things far sooner than others but it literally doesn’t matter if HV/GP says all is good.

I don’t have any useful advice, I like the things that have already been mentioned.

Hi,

Have you spoken to your local children's centre? Children's centres are amazing and will be keen to help you work out how to have fun with you son. Sessions are free. I was a young mum and went regularly, there are a real mix of parents there and I found it reassuring to discover that mid 30s parents with lots of money also struggled with the same issues like sleeping and feeding.

Otherwise, baby steps for you as well as him. 3x a day Set a timer for 20 minutes, get out a toy and spend that 20 minutes copying what he does with toys and talking to him about it. One thing I used to do with crawling babies was make a tower of blocks, which they inevitably knock over, joke about them being Godzilla and then make the tower again. Don't be scared and feel like you have to say certain things or play in a certain way. As long as you are letting them explore in their own way, with you there, chatting to them and touching the toys/books, that engagement will come naturally.

Do you take him to the play park. Again, just follow him around and he crawls and chat "oh, do you want to go on the swings?" The park can be good for inspiration, you can copy what other parents are doing and games they play.

Hi op,

Just wanted to send you a hug. My DS never did any of those either and I had loads of concerns but since 18 months, pointing came, pointing to request, sharing interest and now at 22 months, he follows instructions (a little if he wants to), has about 30 words (bit behind) but is learning something new (words and actions) everyday. I felt like I was talking and engaging with a brick wall but as soon as they start responding, you naturally engage more to teach them. We relied on a lot of Cocomelon and baby bum but now he is copying everything and has started repeating their A B C's and their actions. Speak to your Health Visitor about your concerns but from my own experience, my DS was a different baby at 17 months compared to 18 months and let alone 22 months. So much has changed. From about 11-17 months was very slow for us. Hence why I had loads of concerns, but from 18 months it has picked up rapidly hence why I felt like I have wasted a good 6 months of his life just stressing that I wasn't doing enough. I think as pp mentioned please speak to your HV, that's what I did...

Also, if your baby is concentrating on one skill trying to walk for instance, it's natural they will put the communication side second on their to do list. Every child is different and my HV told me to not compare. Also we are in difficult times where we can't go to places as everything is closed, just give loads of cuddles and talk to them even if you aren't playing with them. I would cook and tell DS what I was cooking and was going through step by step what I was doing and naming veg and utensils or if I was cleaning I would explain what I was doing in very simple language. If I took him for a walk, I would point at everything and tell him what they were or would follow his pointing and telling him what they were.

Take care of yourself x

Is there court ordered indirect contact op? If you haven't been ordered to update your ex you can bloody well choose to block block block..

Hello op, I'm sure you're doing more than you think. But it's exhausting and overwhelming certainly and no playgroups to go to.

Have you watched the baby club and the toddler club on CBeebies?

Watch them with your baby and pretend it's a class. They are lovely. And have simple ideas.

Oh OP you're a good mum as shown by what you've done to escape the abuse - well done I can't imagine what it must have been like.

I don't have the experiences you have had but I sometimes struggle with entertaining my toddler, 1 - 2 are hard ages I think. And that doesn't make us bad mums!

I agree with a previous poster's suggestion about bitesize chunks of time, that's what I do for my sanity. I'll do a 15 minute burst of activity with my DC (reading books or playing with them on the floor etc) and then they entertain themselves for 15 mins in a safe space where they can't hurt themselves (playing with toys or playdoh or whatever). And repeat over and over. Whilst they're entertaining themselves I can put the washing on etc. If the weather's nice we do this out in the garden - 15 mins of me pushing them on swings or walking around garden talking to them etc, followed by 15 mins of them playing on a blanket by themselves with toys whilst I drink my hot drink and read a book or whatever. So for the 10 hours that DC is awake for every day, 5 hours of that time is spent with me interacting with him. But I still get plenty of time to myself to have a hot drink in peace and go on my phone or read a book, and also to get things done around the house.

You're a great mum OP

Hi OP,

I'm probably echoing what a lot of others have said but my advice would be contact your health visitor to share your worries around walking and talking and for guidance. Assuming you're in England as from 12th April (fingers crossed) baby/toddler groups should be re-opening. Local libraries and children's centres offer free groups which as well as being great for your little one will give you a chance to meet other mums.

For your own mental health contact your GP and talk this through. I know in my area (Norfolk) there's a well-being service which you can refer yourself too and then can be assessed and sessions with a trained mental health professional are set up (via phone call/video call at the mo). Your GP should be able to refer you to this if it's available where you are too.

Have you any family/ friends you can reach out to? I know during COVID times it's particularly difficult but a walk with someone can really lift your spirits.

Also, if your abusive ex partner is contacting you via email then you can contact the police about this, it's harassment. There are also services you can contact such as the national domestic abuse helpline, refuge etc.

Sending you lots of love x

I really feel for you OP. A child is hard enough work when you have support,and a partner, and no covid stress!!!

The bitesize activities are really good idea. And just remember that this year there are millions of fantastic parents who have ended up resorting to the tv to entertain their children (the whole day)

Take care

For walking outside he'll do so if he's holding my hand but he wouldn't take steps by himself.

He may just need to build some confidence and holding mum gives him a bit of security. A few short walks with things that grab his attention and he may start to build on that.

A bit of time reading, playing with toys for a short time, doesn't take much to entertain them. As the weather is improving more opportunity to get out.

If you were 'checking out' or a bad mum then you wouldn't be asking.

Hi OP I just wanted to drop in to say my daughter didn’t walk independently until 21 months old. Every child is different. Some great advice on here!

Well done to get this far OP, it sounds like you've had a really difficult time of it and made huge improvements to you and your babies life. It must have been really hard to get to this point, you need chance to breathe and realise how much progress you have made. I agree with a pp that if you don't have to have contact with your ex can you block him? Having him drip poison into your mind won't be helping your confidence. Can you build interacting with your baby into whatever else you are doing? I used to pop mine in the highchair while I washed up or cooked, with little baby bum on and sing along, passing DC an object, bit of food, bubbles from the sink, etc as I chatted to them about what I was doing. They love to potter about with you while you get everything else done if you go a bit slower and find ways to let them join in. Their daily routine, mealtimes, bath times are all new sensory play experiences for baby and the chance to interact together, you don't have to do any particular games. I agree getting out the house helps too as you've only got them to focus on.