I've been checked out as a parent

[LittleMango]

Hi,
I don't even know where to begin with all of this and I don't want to make excuses because I know I've been absent and done a bad job.
I'm a young single mum - the first year of my child's life was so hard. The hardest time of my life (abuse from my child's father, social services involvement, moving 3x for safety and a court case against my child's father). Now it's been a while since any incident and no social services involvement anymore.
My child is almost 17 months now (he was 2 months premature too) but I feel like he's behind on everything - talking and walking. He doesn't say any words but he does understand some stuff, he's not took any steps by himself. I feel like it's because I've not been there
I'm physically present of course but I'm absent mentally. We don't play any activities during the day, we rely on cocomelon and little baby bum (it was easier when he was younger because he needs were less complex compared to now). I'm not sure what he's after when he's moody or crying. I feel so lost and I don't know what do... I want to change all of this. But I don't even know where to begin.
I don't have the most amount of support - it literally is just me. He goes to nursery twice a week while I'm at work and I feel like that helps his development. I just feel like I've got 3000 things to do and not enough time and sometimes aiding my baby's development and playtime is at the bottom of list Partly because I don't know what I'm doing, time and just my own mental health issues.
I feel like I'm going to raise a child who feels like his emotional needs are neglected and that's the last thing I want to do. I have his father constantly emailing me accusing me of being a bad parent because I don't "let" him see our child and sometimes I think it would just be easier to give in because I wouldn't be doing everything alone and have some support.
I just want to be a better parent
Sorry for the ramble

If you have a bath, I’m sure he would love if you joined him in it sometimes. An easy way to have 20 mins together having fun

Can you talk to your health visitor about parenting classes...this may boast your esteem to know you’re not getting it all wrong and hel you develop some new skills. Even online I’m sure there must be something
If that’s not an option what about mums and toddler once lock down eases- much easier it’s other kids and mums around to copy or muck in with.
Seems to me like you just don’t know what to do and need some “training”. I hated playing with the kids as such...much preferred to do things like crafting, or walks etc. I also loved “teaching” them...
You can’t be good or enjoy doing everything with them. Identify 2-3 things you enjoy and your child enjoys/ benefits from...set yourself a plan of doing a little every day.
And just chat to your little one....witter away, ask them questions even if they can’t answer to get their curiosity sparked

Sorry to jump in again OP. I might be way off the mark here but it really does sound like you've had such a tough start, I'm guessing 2 months early meant a NICU stay, plus moving multiple times and dealing with your ex. When you say you're physically present but feel mentally absent, I'm just wondering whether you've had time in all of that to just bond with your baby. On top of all the other excellent suggestions here, it could be worth giving yourself a moment here and there to really just hang out together. Snuggle under a blanket (if he's a snuggler, some like to be on the go constantly!), try giving him a little massage and see if he likes it, have a bath together, put on some music and dance with him. Just give yourself some time to appreciate the amazing little person you've made and to remember what an enormous job you've done keeping him safe and healthy and loved.

As others have said, children develop at completely different rates and it's completely normal for children to take a little longer than expected to develop skills like walking or talking. Your little one sounds like he's doing fine developmentally.

Try to take some very small steps to interact with him. One of the important things you can do is try to smile whenever he looks at you. It can be a silly, fake, goofy smile but he'll love it and it helps develop his connection with you. Even when you don't feel like smiling, faking it might help you genuinely smile a bit.

Spend some time just with him, you can lay him on the floor and hold his hands to make him clap whilst making eye contact with him and smiling. Try talking to him in full sentences too e.g. 'Would you like a biscuit?' 'Let's read a book'. And when handing him something repeat the name of the object. You don't have to do these all the time but the more you practice using them the more natural it will feel.

There's a document www.foundationyears.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Development-Matters-FINAL-PRINT-AMENDED.pdf that we used when working in a nursery. It shows what children should be doing at each age and stage and how adults can support their development. It's not set in stone so if you see your little one doesn't fit each category or hasn't developed the skills, that's ok. I don't think I've ever met a child who met every milestone at the 'right' time. This might help you realise what skills he needs and what activities you could do with him to help.

It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed, especially considering your circumstances. Please do speak to your GP for mental health support, and to your health visitor for advice on supporting your son. You are an excellent parent because your son is loved, safe, provided for. Over time you can work on your skills to support his emotional development and he'll be okay in the meantime.

See if the Home Start Scheme is available near you. It's staffed by trained volunteers who (pre-Covid) come to your home and just offer support and advice for you, from the perspective of having had a young family themselves.

www.home-start.org.uk

You sound very caring and aware. Have you considered Homestart? You could ask for a befriender for two hours a week and this might feel supportive. At the moment it’s zoom and phone calls but once lockdown is over it will be meetings again. They are non judgmental and can be helpful. Just having an extra friend who understands can be reassuring.

One quick suggestion about the walking. One of mine would only walk if he was holding something, it could be my hand or a toy. So i would switch my hand for a squishy rubber duck toy and he would walk on his own.

I would also say that lots of small activities is the way to go. Some (free or cheap) things my simialr aged son likes:

big bucket of water (or bath, or that plastic tub you wash up with) and let him splash and put some toys in
reading books together
pots and pans with spoon to bash, maybe a few bits of rice crispy or cornflakes in to stir around
moving things like toys or household objects from one container (tupperware box, shoe box, whatever
kick a ball (crumpled paper works! holding your hand to start)
stacking towers and knocking them over (towers out of old boxes or whatever you have)
peekaboo with you and him hiding under towl / blanket / wahtever
trips to local park, encourage to pick up sticks, stones, leaves and play on any park toys
pick him up and spin him around, tickle

Places like poundland have loads of cheap little bits like bubbles to entertain them.

I think at this age just keep talking to him, saying his name, sing songs. Mine was a later walker than some too, and honestly OP I cannot tell you the difference it makes! Very soon your boy will walk and your life will get 50 times easier. They find it way easier to entertain themselves then.

This website is great www.parentclub.scot/topics/play-learn?age=3

Thank you everyone for your replies and suggestions! I wasn't expecting so many so I can't reply individually but thank you everyone 💖
I've begun to write a list of little activities I can do throughout the day with my baby to help us both feel engaged. Suggestions of just talking through what I'm doing in baby-friendly manner are really helpful thank you!
Someone hit the nail on the head when I said I need a bit of "training" in parenting and I agree.
Your replies have also made me realise some of the things I'm already doing as well so thank you all for that ❤️
Things with my baby's father are always updated with the police and he is only able to communicate with me through email which I ignore most of the time because it's just abuse. I'm fortunate now to have got me and my baby to a safe place.
I've said thank you a lot but I really mean thank you all for the support. Your replies have made me feel more confident with starting small until it falls more into place.

I thought I'd add in some ideas here below for what I do with my 18 month old in my 15 bursts of activity with them (other than the obvious reading books or playing with toys...) I'm always looking for ideas for what to do with mine because it can get tedious and repititive at times, so I hope it helps OP...

-Go around the house labelling things - he points at something I tell him what it is or I point at things and tell him what it is
-Look at pictures on the wall and talk to him about the pictures/the people in them
-Crawling up and downstairs counting as we go up and down
-Putting a bit of water in a washing up bowl and playing with rubber ducks or small teaspoons and tupperware boxes to move the water around
-Flicking through mummy's magazines and talking about the pictures in there, ripping out pages and scrunching up into a ball
-Looking at the fruit bowl or veggie drawer of fridge, letting DC pick up items, naming them, describing their colour, texture etc

Another tip I picked up from a mate who's a speech therapist - every time I do something as part of a routine (e.g. putting shoes on to go out, or brushing hair in the morning, or washing hands after eating etc), I use the song 'here we go round the mulberry bush' but I change the words and use it for routine things I do, because the repitition of the words within the song help the child learn the word. So e.g. when putting his bib on at mealtimes I sing 'this is the way we put on your bib, put on your bib, put on your bib' etc. It's tedious but I've been doing it for a few months now for most routine things we do and I've noticed it helps my son to recognise words and remember them.

When I took my DD out in her buggy I would talk to her about what I could see, so 'look at the red bus'.... followed by singing the nursery rhyme 'the wheels on the bus'...Or point out the colour of the sky, the colour of the trees. I'd count steps if I was going up or down them. etc

Obviously at a very young age I wouldn't expect her to have a conversation back but I hoped that hearing me talk and use colours, descriptions etc would help her learn new words.

It was also something I could build into every day activities without having to set specific time aside

Could you do something similar with daily chores? Talk to your DS as you're doing the cleaning, tell him what you're doing, get him to 'help'

@mintyneb

When I took my DD out in her buggy I would talk to her about what I could see, so 'look at the red bus'.... followed by singing the nursery rhyme 'the wheels on the bus'...Or point out the colour of the sky, the colour of the trees. I'd count steps if I was going up or down them. etc

Obviously at a very young age I wouldn't expect her to have a conversation back but I hoped that hearing me talk and use colours, descriptions etc would help her learn new words.

It was also something I could build into every day activities without having to set specific time aside

Could you do something similar with daily chores? Talk to your DS as you're doing the cleaning, tell him what you're doing, get him to 'help'

Oh, counting steps and 'BIG step, little step, 1-2-3-BIG STEP and down!', 'there's a cat' and spotting shapes in cracks in pavements and fire engines, buying 'Apples, one, two, three apples' and 'Yellow bananas, red strawberries'. As the kid got older and she said 'Red Stawby', 'That's right, strawberries are red, what else is red? [looks on fruit display] Here we go, Red Apples'. All learning and engaging.

Works brilliantly for the child. Trouble comes when the kid is at school and you're muttering to yourself 'Red strawberries, bananas 1-2-3' as other shoppers give you that look...

OP, you're doing great. Everything will come in time - but pretty much narrating what you're doing really helps you develop that interaction, communication and understanding. And, what I think you probably need most of all - confidence.

Read books, great time for you both to bond and a lot better for his development that cartoons or screen time! He won't mind if it's the same book over and over! There are loads of ideas out there and usually HV will give out leaflets with age appropriate activities? Play music, sing to him. What NEEDS done? House work, plenty time for that when they leave home! Play with your child, you don't need to spend money give him a box of safe household objects to handle and explore. They often prefer these to toys anyway at this age!

The easiest thing you can do to help your child is to talk with them. Not at them as in directing them to pick things up or eat their food but just chatting .
All day long .Just chatting about anything and everything. Whats in your head(not worries ) ? Don't keep it in there - say it out loud. Like that woman's coat on TV? Say it and point and smile. See something nice on a cookery programme - talk about buying it and cooking it and all of the nice tastes and smells it brings.
Want to buy something in an advert ?-name it and talk about how much nicer your life would be with it in. Silly things like that.

Trying to keep it positive if possible .Just because its not nice to be a child with adult worries to think about.

If youre on the internet talk to him while you browse. Tell him what youre doing .

There are lots of other great ideas by PPs for activities which you can incorporate into your day to day life without getting outside your comfort zone but make chatting a habit and you will have a changed child .

Of course that does mean that one day aged 40 you'll be sitting on the bus pointing out the red car to the bemused man next to you but hey! .