I’ve bonded with baby, but has baby bonded with me??

[Simonsayshaveacuppa]

This is going to sound silly, but I feel like my 11mo baby doesn’t really have any particular feelings towards me. I’m the primary caregiver and I work so hard to be really affectionate, present and proactive with her, and I get all the feelings towards her I expected to get, but I don’t feel like it’s reciprocated. I read so many fluffy quotes about how ‘all baby wants is their mum’ and ‘you might not be perfect but you’re perfect to your baby’, bonding starts in the womb and they know your smell and voice before being born etc etc, but even as a newborn I never felt like being close to me made any difference to her. The only time she seems to want me is when she wants to breastfeed. At Christmas we saw some family which of course has been a massive rarity since she was born due to covid, and I was secretly hoping she might show signs of wanting specifically me rather than being passed around a load of randoms, but nope no sign of me being anyone in particular to her. She scratches and bites me quite a lot, including while breastfeeding, which I get irrationally upset about even though I know she doesn’t mean it in a nasty way. Honestly feels like a complete stranger could swap with me tomorrow and she wouldn’t notice. Has anyone else felt like this? Is it possible that I will feel loved by her when she gets older or is she just aloof by nature? And is it totally narcissistic to be worrying about myself when I should just be happy that she’s happy and thriving?

I posted nearly exactly this the other day, here is the thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/4159834-I-am-my-1yos-third-favourite-person?msgid=104483819#104483819

Basically no, you're fine, she's fine, it's normal and healthy. My favourite analogy is the idea that mum's are like gravity - absolutely essential and hugely valued, but always there and taken as a given!

She just doesn’t see you as a separate person yet, and that’s a good thing. It means she knows you’ll be there for her no matter what and having such a secure attachment means that she will be happy to be around new people. It won’t be much longer before she realises you are actually two different people and then she’ll get clingier

Don't worry, as far as she's concerned you're part of her! My DS's were the same and they're very affectionate now they're old enough to understand that I'm an actual separate human

Thank you all for the responses! Interesting that you think she sees me as part of her, and it does kind of make sense.

@BoomyBooms, I just read your thread. A few mentions of PND- I’ve been wondering for ages whether I might have this but I thought it would be more where the mum is struggling to love the baby rather than perceiving it the other way round? How would I actually know if I have PND?

I posted something like this when my DS was around 10 months old, I felt exactly how you do now, I also thought I had PND. He wouldnt cry for me or be bothered at all if I walked out the room, he seemed to prefer other people to be honest 🙈

He is almost 3 and I have to say he is a complete mummy's boy. I think because I was always there he didn't get that I was seperate. He took it for granted that I was always going to be there I think.

I would say I noticed a change at around 2ish and he's just got more mummy obsessed the older he gets. I am self employed and work from home when he's in bed so he still has me here all day every day. He loves his daddy and seeing his grandma (we're her support bubble) but I am beyond doubt his safe place.

Just keep doing what you're doing, I promise things will change, you sound like you're doing great

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/3454551-Is-this-some-kind-of-PND-Or-just-how-all-moms-feel

This is my old thread on my old username, just so you can see how I was feeling and how things change, if you feel like you have PND then obviously you should seek help though!

It's strange reading my old post now when all I hear every day is mummy mummy mummy 😅

One day you'll be wishing you could just go to the loo in peace while she follows to 'help you' or continue to chatter at you and you'll look back and laugh ruefully. Honest

I had PND with my second and it had nothing to do with the baby, who was gorgeous and fairly easy.

I was struggling with my older son who was being diagnosed with ASD at the time, plus my in laws grossly over stepped the mark and put me in a very dark place. Because my hormones were all over the place, it was PND, as I probably would have coped better with those things had I not just had a baby! But I had no problems bonding and never felt that my baby didn't love me. He's always been such a snuggly little thing, even now 4 years later.

I hope you feel better soon.

@simonsayshaveacuppa I'm really sorry to hear you think you might have pnd. Tbh in these circumstances there must be lots of us. I think I've had it relatively mildly compared to some, and it's not really new to me because I've had problems with depression for a long time. Have a look at NHS moodzone as they have a simple diagnostic tool, or you could give your health visitor a ring because they have an actual questionnaire to help you figure it out.

My baby is like this - I see it as she is so secure in her attachment to you that she doesn’t worry when you’re not touching her. That’s wonderful, great job!

There is the thing called the wonder weeks. It goes through all the stages of development. They don’t realise they are separate until about 10 months. And then they will cry when you go out of sight because they think you are gone for ever.

I used to look at the app to understand what they understand at each age. (There is a book but I just used the app to get an idea).

Don’t worry. You are the only one in the world that smells like you and all she knows. The family visit went well because she is content and happy. You’ve been part of that.

Also if she bites and scratches you can cut her nails or file them. I don’t know about biting but hopefully it will just be a phase. (Even breastfeeding has different stages.). The Kellymom website had a section about breastfeeding manners. Ways to stop things that babies do. I don’t know how to explain it but when they older you can make sure that it’s mutually “mannered”. Kellymom has loads of stuff but it’s a bit too much unless you like to read loads.

Oh sorry!!! I got mixed up. I thought you meant 11 weeks.

“Breastfeeding manners” definitely look it up. Very appropriate now. You don’t have to put up with things that make it less enjoyable. Better to deal with it.

Well done! I think you are doing a great job under difficult/impossible/unbelievable circumstances. You have gone through the pandemic and a baby at the same time. X

Don’t worry. You are the only one in the world that smells like you and all she knows. The family visit went well because she is content and happy. You’ve been part of that.

My baby is like this - I see it as she is so secure in her attachment to you that she doesn’t worry when you’re not touching her. That’s wonderful, great job!

My baby is a similar age to the OP’s and gets really upset when left with other people and I’m not there. These posts make me feel like I’ve done something wrong, like not helped her be secure or confident enough or something.

Read this it's very short, but a perfect example.
"Can you say mama?" "No, DADDY" www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/4172107-can-you-say-mama-no-daddy

No lockdown, your baby is just more aware of that one thing, that's all. They have a moment around 9 months if I remember correctly when they get clingy. This year, lots of babies won't have had that moment, because mum hasn't been anywhere!

I totally get what you're saying.

I've one-year old twins. When they were born, they didn't seem to care less who held them. They didn't seem to know my smell and voice. I put this down to them being so young, that they didn't know the difference.

Now they're older, one twin is snuggly with me, and is shy with other people. The other twin is completely independent, and is fine with being held by others, and never looks for me. I don't feel like I'm a "special" person to him.

It's compounded by the fact I work very long hours, so they're with a childminder (in my home) all day. I'm afraid they'll think the childminder is "mum" and I'm like a "dad" only seeing them after work. I'm afraid the childminder will be their "safe space" if they fall and hurt themselves, not me.

Hopefully they'll work out soon that I'm their special mum.

IME Kids who have a good bond to their mum take them completely for granted.

At that age DC was the same - I really felt he could take or leave me. He reserved all his worst behaviour for me and he also used to scratch and hairpull while I was feeding him which I found upsetting. (I tackled this by making sure he had a stuffed toy to hold while he was feeding as this kept his hands full.) Anyway he’s six now and thinks the sun shines out of me. Absolutely I’m his favourite - the other day he actually told me I was perfect just the way I am. His dad barely gets a look in. Your child is taking you for granted because she knows you’ll always be there, you’re her rock.

IME Kids who have a good bond to their mum take them completely for granted.

@MagdasMadHouse So my baby doesn’t have a good bond with me then, because she cries when I’m not there?

My first thought too was PND. Please contact your gp for a consult. Congratulations on your lovely girl.

hatelockdown don't take it to heart. You can't compare two different babies in two different situations and being passed round relatives while your DM is there isn't the same as your DM not being there. After all, even on this thread, twins are very different.

My DS2 has barely been away from me in his life due to being breastfed then having lockdown. I'm really slightly worried about how he'll react to nursery school when the time comes but the bond will always be there even if it shows in different ways.

Your baby is very securely attached to you, which gives her the confidence to go off and explore other situations and other people confidently! It's a compliment to your parenting. Have a read about secure/insecure attachments... It's very interesting.

@hatelockdown. Please don't worry, that's not what it means. Does your baby stop crying quickly and is easily comforted once she is returned to you? That is also a strong sign of secure attachment. Babies who feel some anxiety when separated from their parent, but who are easily soothed and happy again on being reunited. Of course, there are many different personality types, so babies react differently to these situations, but secure attachment is measured in quite a few different ways.

Does your baby stop crying quickly and is easily comforted once she is returned to you?

Thanks @Somethingsnappy - yes she is. I just worry that she doesn’t have the confidence to go off and explore other situations, as you said in your last post. I worry I’ve done something wrong.

@hatelockdown.... No, you absolutely haven't done anything wrong. It's personality type. Your baby is still very young and that confidence will grow as she gets older. Babies develop this independence in their own time. For example, I have four children. Two of mine were very similar to the OP's as babies and one was more shy, like yours and her confidence grew and became more apparent when she got to about two years old. It's just that lots of people do seem to worry that they're baby doesn't love or need them if they are very independent from a young age and this is not the case at all. In your case, your baby feels confident when she is close to you, also a sign of great parenting. Her indeoence and willingness to explore further away from you will grow in her own time.

Their baby, not they're baby. Stupid typo!