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Parenting

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Original poster

AIBU? Husband sleeping in

30 replies

Hpsaucey77 · 20/02/2021 07:50

So this may be a long one but a bit of background....

I have been married to my husband for 3 years and i love him very much. We have a 2.5 year old daughter together who is hard work but so adorable its unreal. I am now 15 weeks pregnant with our second child and have been so exhausted. This year due to covid i was made redundant in april and apart from a few temporary roles i have been out of work ever since. Finacially this is ok for us, not the best but ok. My husband works full time from home 8-4 monday to friday. My daughter goes to preschool 3 mornings a week from 9-12.

My daughter has a great routine and has slept through the night since 5 months old with a wake up time of 7am. My husband will stay in bed until 7:55 and then come down stairs make himself a coffee and go straight to his office. Meanwhile i have already been up for an hour with our 2 year old. On a saturday he will stay in bed until between 9 and 10 am. If i am lucky he will get up at 7 on a sunday but this is not consistent and will also have an extra couple of hours in bed most weeks. I am exhausted and would just like a couple of those days for it to be me who gets to sleep in. Am i being unreasonable to think this? I know it sounds petty but it bothers me alot. When i speak to him about it he just says, im asleep and you dont wake me? But i dont want to spend 10 minutes of the morning begging him to get up instead when he manages to wake up at 8 everyday without my help!

I feel like he thinks that because i am out of work he is entitled to more rest but i am running around after a very energetic toddler all day and trying to keep up with housework. My husband doesnt even come out of his office for lunch breaks and then when he has finished work he still doesnt play with our toddler much even though she desperately wants to see him.

I feel this has been more of a rant than anything but im just so tired and emotional!

OP posts:

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 20/02/2021 08:30

When i had my son last year I felt bad my husband doing night feeds or getting up early when he works Monday to Friday 7am till 5pm but then as time went on I started to realise that being a parent is a full time job. My husband could sit at work for 30 mins and enjoy a nice warm meal or just sit for 5. I couldn't. I had a new baby to look after every second of every day. I know people say sleep when baby sleeps but who does that really. I used to slob on settee and that's about it. He then got put on furlough for 4 months which was bliss so we took it in turns having a lie in every day. My baby turns 1 on Wednesday and still has one feed around 5am which we take in turns daily. We also take in turns his night time routine and every Saturday and Sunday we take it in turns of a lie in. Could you not relax once baby goes to nursery.

I'd be upset if my husband didn't play with our son after work. That would bother me for sure. If I was you I'd leave him to work between his hours that he would normally work in an office i assume and forget him coming out at dinner because in normally circumstances would he come home for dinner but when he finishes at 4 he pulls his weight with baby and help you. Honestly I thought looking after a baby was going go be a walk in the park and tv binges but it's really not. It's such a hard job. Plus your trying to run a household.

Regardless whether he works and you don't you both have a job to do. Apart from your three mornings a week where you can have a relax.

Hope you are okay x

olympicsrock · 20/02/2021 08:39

There’s no reason why he should have more lie ins than you. He could get up at 7 two weekdays and 8 the other 3 days. You each have a weekend lie in.

Original poster

Hpsaucey77 · 20/02/2021 08:44

@Couldntthinkofausername24

Thanks for your reply! I know what you mean about him coming out at lunch as for sure he wouldnt do this if he was actually at his usual place of work. I think its just an extra thing that gets to me that he could just come and say hello for 5 minutes as he is able to. When my lg is at preschool i usually run errands, deffinately one of those days i will go and do our food shopping and come home and sort all of that out. I will do housework on the friday and on wednesday mornings i do a voluntary phone call with elderly people in our area so yes i do get to sit down and have a good chat then! There have been occasions where i have relaxed on one of those mornings but it doesnt go unnoticed by my husband and if anything is a miss later on he will make a comment. For example a few weeks ago i dropped lg off at preschool and came home and did nothing but watch tv as i had slept about 2 hours that night. Later in the afternoon my husband came out to make a coffee and was dismayed when i hadnt got the coffee cups out of the dishwasher yet. I know that it is my job to keep the house up as im not working but surely he could unload a dishwasher? Im just worried as this pregnancy goes on and things get harder physically for me that i dont have much physical or emotional help.

OP posts:

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Original poster

Hpsaucey77 · 20/02/2021 08:48

@olympicsrock

Yes!! This is what i have suggested on a few occasions which either end in him not knowing why he should do that and me getting upset or him agreeing to do that but never actually doing it. I also dont see why i should have to wake up to wake him up to be groaned at and him reluctantly get up.

OP posts:

jaffar · 20/02/2021 08:52

@olympicsrock

There’s no reason why he should have more lie ins than you. He could get up at 7 two weekdays and 8 the other 3 days. You each have a weekend lie in.

I'm not sure I agree with this. OP isn't working, the child doesn't wake early and is at childcare three mornings a week so OP gets alone time.

I think wanting to trade off at the weekends is fair, one lie in each, but I think the rest is normal.

What would bother me though is he doesn't seem to have a desire to see
His child before work or at lunch when he can? That is odd.

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 20/02/2021 08:58

It's absolutely not your job to do all the housework and shopping. You 'work' just like your husband does. I'd be really upset if my husband commented on me being sat around. Does he work through his lunch? I bet he doesn't.

ellenpartridge · 20/02/2021 08:58

I think you should share the weekend lie one, one each. The week day mornings sound ok to me given you have alone time during preschool.

Original poster

Hpsaucey77 · 20/02/2021 09:17

It seems there are different opinions on this, i think im just tired and over emotional.
Thankyou for everyones input

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2021 09:31

One weekend lie in each is fair. Agree it the night before so you’re not having to wake up to kick him out of bed.

Unless you live in a mansion I doubt there’s 9 hours of housework to do a week so can’t you rest and have down time while she’s at preschool? An hour of chores a day then a nap or some tv or a bath or whatever?

It’s sad he doesn’t want to spend time with her and you need to discuss that properly before you’re stuck wrangling a toddler and a newborn.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2021 09:31

@Couldntthinkofausername24

She gets 3 hours off 3 days a week so it’s not constant “work”.

Original poster

Hpsaucey77 · 20/02/2021 09:38

@AnneLovesGilbert its not a mansion but it is a large 5 bedrom house over 3 floors. So its not a 1 hour a day job. Im not complaining im just saying it takes me longer than an hour.

I appreciate i dont have my child with me for 3 hours 3 times a week. But i am pregnant too and i rarely get to just sit down guilt free or without comment from my husband.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hpsaucey77 · 20/02/2021 09:41

In the afternoons and the days where i do have my 2 years old as well as weekends there is not much housework going on as she is very demanding and takes a lot of my attention. As 2 year olds do! So those days where she is at preschool for 3 hours it is pretty much taken up by housework or shopping.

OP posts:

Vodkabulary · 20/02/2021 09:41

Going against the grain a bit but I don’t think the week DAy situation is that bad. Ok you’re up early with your DD but she sleeps through and you get 3 mornings a week when she’s in pretty school to chill a bit.
I think weekend lie ins should be spilt (that’s how DH and I do it)

Before I get jumped on I’m also currently not working at home with a 1&2 yr old plus home schooling our 8 yr old. None of them are in childcare so I’m with them all day everyday. I’m not pregnant but do have a herniated disc and really severe sciatica which means I’m on lots of medication that makes me feel worn out and tired. I tend to have a little nap while my kids nap for an hour in the afternoon and my 8 yr old does quiet reading.

DinosaurDiana · 20/02/2021 09:41

My DH always lay in bed until he decided to get up. Usually around 11am, and that was with 3 kids.
He has now taken early retirement and never gets up before 10.30am.
It’s just how he is and I never put my foot down, never thought to.
It’s one of the reasons I resent him now.

Vodkabulary · 20/02/2021 09:42

Also OP we also have a 3 story 5 bed house so I know housework can be a pain but tbh i manage to fit it around having my 3 kids

Woodlandbelle · 20/02/2021 09:45

I have to say that you have three child free mornings a week. Sorry but you don't have it that bad.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2021 09:47

If cleaning is the problem I think you need to lower your standards or get a cleaner. I can’t imagine spending 9 hours a week shopping, cleaning and tidying and I have a clean presentable house and a nearly two year old with me full time.

How are you going to manage with a second child and a resentful husband?

ThePricklySheep · 20/02/2021 09:47

So he thinks the toddler is easy? Well he won’t mind having her for a few hours at the weekend then. You could do some (gentle) housework to make it fair.

Then if he decides she’s not so easy, then you discuss sharing her at the weekend, you both take turns to have a lie in and a couple of hours to yourself.

Original poster

Hpsaucey77 · 20/02/2021 09:51

I dont have it that bad, i agree, some people have it worse, some people have it better. This was really a little vent about things that are bothering me. I am concerened about this ongoing when we add a newborn into the mix but will have to wait and see if my husband will help out at that point. It just makes me anxious. Like insaid, i get 3 mornings a week without my child. But those 3 mornings are not spent slepping or sitting around theybare spent being very busy.

This thread has helped me realise its fine, im not alone in this situation and not much is going to or should change.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hpsaucey77 · 20/02/2021 09:54

@AnneLovesGilbert they are not my standards they are my husbands. He does work all week after all and really doesnt want to be doing housework afterwards or at the weekend. We cannot afford a cleaner

OP posts:

imisscashmere · 20/02/2021 09:57

Erm, can we look at OPs actual question? Whether she should get an occasional lie in?

As many people have said, obviously the weekend lie ins should be shared. And no, she shouldn’t have to wake up her lazy ass husband. She’s pregnant for God’s sake, if she’s shattered he could step up and give her both.

I assume those people commenting that she doesn’t have it that bad during the week are jealous of her childcare situation. That doesn’t mean her husband should get to sleep til 9/10am on the weekends and sack off all parenting responsibilities.

DinosaurDiana · 20/02/2021 09:58

You need to have a chat about how much help you will need when baby arrives. You also will need to let the housework slide a bit in the beginning !
I remember a dressing gown with big pockets being useful - so you can pick stuff up as you go, put a basket/box at the bottom of the stairs for things that need to go up, and a set of nappies etc and changes of clothes upstairs and down.

Original poster

Hpsaucey77 · 20/02/2021 10:11

Also across the week i have 9 hours of 'free' time. My husband has 11 extra hours in bed a week. Thats more than an extra full nights sleep.

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 20/02/2021 10:21

Going back over 20 years when mine were little and I had two eighteen months apart my husband did nothing, well apart from play with the children in the garden.
I became a sahm and did everything in the home and child related. I do not recall him ever getting up with the children in the morning, but neither do I recall resenting him for this. He worked out of the home and my role was seen as to be staying home and doing everything.
At the time it seemed right and fair, but of course times have now changed and I can now see how unfairly the load was actually distributed.
The thing that stands out to me is that your dh seems to resent you sitting down and doing nothing, that would set alarm bells ringing.

EntreMummy · 20/02/2021 10:42

OP - just because you’re not alone in this situation, some people have it worse than you (or in other words, don’t get the childcare you do)

Does not mean your situation is “fine” or that “not much is going to or should change”

Your husband is not pulling his weight now either in terms of parenting or running the house.
You are not a skivvy and maid just because you are a mother and he is not your lord and master just because he is the one earning the money right now.

You are pregnant, your body needs rest. I’m afraid, whether he is working or not - he needs to step up and be a parent and yes, even do the occasional bit of housework.

Women do not need to put up with this kind of treatment - it makes my blood boil that women see this is as just normal, that’s life, because the man is working then let him off any other responsibilities.

Once you have two kids, it is going to get harder and you are going to have to let some things go - like the housework.

If your husband’s standards are high then he can be the one to meet them!! Let him do the cleaning in a big house. Or he can pay for a cleaner and sacrifice something else.

Sometimes I feel like I must be on another planet from the majority of posters on here - because I have an equal marriage where we have always shared responsibility for our children and for domestic duties. And lie ins! (In fact my husband is the one who always got up early with ours when they were tiny as I was breastfeeding in the night.)

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