Should I give my daughter her crazy dads surname

[cresida]

Please read fully.

So I had a new partner and I got pregnant pretty soon after we got together. I'd known him for years as we once worked on a project together back in 2014. We tried to date before but I had other life things going on. We stayed in touch and during lockdown we began a relationship. He was excited about the pregnancy to begin with as this was his first child. After a few weeks he started to distance himself and things got awkward. I think he has his friends warning him against going all in with the family plan he'd proposed in the beginning because they've had bad experiences. Within 6 weeks of me finding out we were broken up.

We had quite a big altercation, I wish I could explain what happened on here but it's too specific and if he ever stumbled across this he would know this is about him, but long story short his behaviour was craaaaazy that day.
I sent him updates about the baby at his families request throughout pregnancy which he ignored.
My 7yr old son and I (different father) ended up being HOMELESS because he convinced me to give notice on my beautiful apartment and then before the breakup he backed out of our plan to move in together. My landlord refused to cancel my notice and due to being so sick during the whole pregnancy I had to shut my business down.
Throughout my pregnancy his family knew I was in hospital for a lot of it. He NEVER checked on me or the baby from 9 weeks (when we broke up)

The day I went into labour I called him and told him I was in labour. I had to convince him to
Come. He came and was excellent. I was determined to put all the issues to the side and ignore the fact that he hadn't been here, hadn't done anything he said he's do and had been spreading rumors about me to make himself sound better after the breakup.

When the baby was born he was great the first 24 hours. I chose the baby's name a few months before she was born. Let's say her name is Lily Rose Andrews, (middle name after my mother). He didn't say anything initially but within a week he started to say he didn't like the name and he wants her to have his surname. Let's pretend it's Frenelucia (it's an equally odd and hard to pronounce name). I was annoyed at this but I compromised and agreed to double barrel and let him also come up with another middle name. He also wanted to change babies FIRST name to Margaret.
He didn't like this idea and argued with me saying I wasn't compromising.

The day after the argument he said he wanted a DNA test because I've refused to compromise??? There had never been a question of paternity. He also said he didn't want to talk until that was done. I was fine with that because it meant peace. He then went on to send my family and I a slew of messages, harassing us.
When I went to the DNA centre, he had told them the baby's name is Margaret Frenelucia😒😒
I corrected them and told them her actual name.
So just to recap, he hadn't been around during the pregnancy, he hasn't contributed anything financially aside from a pack of vests. Lily is 2 months old and he's seen her once since birth.
I now don't want him on the birth certificate because of his unpredictable behaviour or to give her a double barrel name.

Please tell me what you think

No, give her the name you want, not double barrel and don't put him on the BC! He sounds awful.

Your name.
I live abroad and it can be a hassle travelling with your child when you have different surnames.

Everything is simpler if you have the same name. He can always change his at a later date if he wants to.

I would give her your name because his behaviour is worrying, but not because his name is hard to pronounce, that sounds verging racist.

Name your daughter whatever you want. The father sounds hard work and unreliable. She will always have you to rely on. I don't see where he has earned the right to a say here.

Don’t give her his surname and don’t put him on the birth certificate; he sounds crazy and the fact he hasn’t seen your baby for so long says it all. By not putting him on the birth certificate you protect yourself and your baby from him being able to just take her from you and it gives you control over his contact with her. He can go to court obviously and change that but he’d then have to answer to what he’s done

No to birth certificate and surname.
There are certain things that can’t be undone and these are two prime examples.
If he wants these things he needs to earn them.

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.

He sounds flaky and controlling. Stick to the name you have given her, it's beautiful.

As a single mum myself (he is now an adult), no way on earth I would give up my residence for a new relationship, but what's done is done.

Personally I wouldn't give baby a partner's surname unless you're married or in an (extremely) stable relationship.
I would however put his name on the birth certificate for your daughter's peace of mind when she's older. It's her family history after all.

@Lockandtees

I can’t believe you even need to ask. Of course give her your name. I think you need to stop contacting him completely. He doesn’t sound like a nice person to have around. Sort out child maintenance and then have no more to do with him.

Out if interest, why did you want him there when you went into labour when you hadn’t heard anything from her for your entire pregnancy? He’s the last person on earth I would have wanted at the birth in the circumstances.

To be honest I didn't want him there. But I didn't want him to be able to say that I left him out and didn't give him the opportunity to be there. Just so that when Lily is older I can truly say I did all I could.

He's not going to become a good father or partner no matter how much you compromise. Maybe you called him to the birth because you thought seeing his baby born into the world would change his mind. It hasn't. He's the same person who made a pregnant woman homeless. And his family seem to support being that way.
A pack of vests doesn't buy a say in the name.
You are better off forging your own way.

@Iflyaway

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.

He sounds flaky and controlling. Stick to the name you have given her, it's beautiful.

As a single mum myself (he is now an adult), no way on earth I would give up my residence for a new relationship, but what's done is done.

Thank you 😊

Yeah, not my best decision. I completely regret it but at the time he was saying how he wanted us to start over in a new place and build together bla bla bla. I didn't want to be the one to say no and seem like I didn't want to do the whole family thing. I also was very scared of the idea of living alone with my kids as I really struggled with my son when he was born. Thankfully it's been a lot easier this time around

Absolutely your name and he has no say, would not put his psycho arse on the BC either

100% no to birth certificate and surname.

If you’re in the UK, he would have to go with you to register the birth and he doesn’t sound like he’s accepted your choice of name so it’s just going to be awkward.

He’s flakey, he’s already let you down massively. He can apply to go on the birth certificate after the DNA comes back, if he can be bothered. My guess is that he’s making a huge fuss about these things so that he can justify walking away to himself.

@OverTheRainbow88

I would give her your name because his behaviour is worrying, but not because his name is hard to pronounce, that sounds verging racist.

Definitely don't mean it to sound racist as both he and I are black and from very similar backgrounds. No racism here

Of course your name and not on the birth certificate.

I would also not be sending updates, don't bend over backwards to try to involve him - it's his child he's supposed to want to be involved. Also make sure you make a child maintenance claim as he should be contributing financially to his child

@Lockandtees
To be honest I didn't want him there. But I didn't want him to be able to say that I left him out and didn't give him the opportunity to be there. Just so that when Lily is older I can truly say I did all I could.

@Iflyaway
Thank you 😊

Yeah, not my best decision. I completely regret it but at the time he was saying how he wanted us to start over in a new place and build together bla bla bla. I didn't want to be the one to say no and seem like I didn't want to do the whole family thing. I also was very scared of the idea of living alone with my kids as I really struggled with my son when he was born. Thankfully it's been a lot easier this time around

@OverTheRainbow88
Definitely don't mean it to sound racist as both he and I are black and from very similar backgrounds. No racism here

Your choice of name. Under the circumstances I wouldn't include any of his choices. Sorry OP but he doesn't sound nice. Congratulations on your baby daughter

Name change fail going on there, op.

No, baby has your name. Just your name.

You've now given multiple examples in your follow-up posts of you making decisions to your own detriment because you felt obliged to give him what he wanted and apparently didn't value your own needs enough to think they mattered.

For instance, having him at the birth to give him some kind of experience instead of considering your own needs and who would best support you.

I think you need to start working on your assertiveness asap. Otherwise you're going to keep ending up in shitty situations, getting poor outcomes and spending life frustrated and disappointed.

"Compromise" doesn't mean giving the other person what they want regardless of the cost to you.

If you don't value your own needs and wishes, and don't think they're important enough to advocate for, nobody else is going to respect or defend them for you.

Why are you bending over backwards to accommodate a man who has treated you so poorly?

Sharing a surname makes life so much easier with schooling, travel, doctors appointments etc. Does this man really sound like he is going to be bothered about any of that? He wants to put his stamp of ownership on the baby and then wander off again.

You’ve got the DNA test, use that to claim maintenance and keep him at arms length until the baby is old enough to start talking about contact if he wants it.

No bloody way. Give the baby your surname

@user141635812632

To be honest assertiveness isn't an issue for me.
If anything I've had to opposite said to me and that's probably one of the things he didn't like about me because he's very controlling.

In regards to labour tbh I didn't actually think he would come. Either way, if he came and hadn't been a good birthing partner, my sister is a midwife in that hospital and was ready to come in if need be.

The moving thing was purely just bad decision making. But without being too specific because of a break clause in my long lease, the decision to move was also time sensitive. If I could go back, I would have maybe still opted to move but just on my own at a later date

And in regards to the name, in all honesty I want him to have no parts in it. None at all. It really was a struggle to compromise with the middle and double barrel. But as the registering of the birth isn't happening for a while due to Covid I figured I'd watch and see how involved he is (because he claims he will be involved) until near the day of registering the birth and had he done his bit, I could be okay with it.
I posted this mainly to confirm that I'm not being unreasonable by wanting to exclude him completely from the birth certificate and name.

I know a few women who really regret giving their baby the surname of a terrible father. It causes issues. He’s not been there, he’s not showing signs he’s likely to be there. He’s treated you appallingly. He doesn’t get the right to decide her name. So it’s your name. And don’t take him to register the birth. Fathers can be added later but it is incredibly difficult/impossible to remove parental responsibility once granted.

Definitely your name.
And I would not put him on the BC either.
Being on the BC gives him parental responsibility and the right to have a say in all sorts of things. He could veto your choice of school for example.
Because he has DNA evidence he could go to court and get PR, but that would take effort abd more than the cost of a pack of baby vests on his part.

You can tell your Dd who he is, show her pics, in due course maybe there will be a relationship between her and her paternal family. He doesn’t need to be on the BC for any of that.

Look back over this whole story and see how many times you did things at the suggestion of others: left your home, kept contact with him when he was ignoring you, put other peoples possible feelings above your own in asking him to be at the birth..,

You are your lovely Dds Mum, rise up, be fierce in her behalf, tread your own path.

And congratulations

I didn't want to be the one to say no

I didn't want him to be able to say that I left him out (of your medical procedure?)

Do you at least recognise now what damaging thought processes these are for your decision-making?

There is nothing wrong with saying no. In fact it ought to be something you are comfortable saying.

Sometimes people spout off when they don't get what they want. It doesn't hurt you and it sure as hell doesn't mean you weren't right to say no. You can't go around giving in to things you don't want because you're scared of the reaction.

I can truly say I did all I could.

Noble, but that idea should only extend to things with positive outcomes and that are within your own control.

Trying to appease a controlling man is not something you should be applying that to. Or trying to modify another person's behaviour.

In this context, it should mean that you had healthy boundaries to protect you and your daughter, that you asserted yourself over what was important, and you left open the door for him to fulfil his responsibilities and show himself capable.

Not that you chased after him, repeatedly giving in to unreasonable demands, enabling his shitty domineering behaviour, placing his wishes above his daughter, and making disadvantageous decisions in a quest to appease him.

One path is healthy, the other dysfunctional.