Am I the worst first time mum in the world?

[KateEC91]

I have a 1 year old and have spent much of this past year in a complete haze.
I still sometimes cannot believe that I have a baby. I still feel abnormal when we manage to get out... I wonder if other people are looking at me thinking that im a complete fraud. I’m in my head the whole time just wondering if I feel how other mums feel. I watch them cooing with their babies seeming completely at home, whereas I still feel like this is all alien to me and I feel like i’m acting out the part of ‘mum’ rather than it feeling natural.
My main concern is how I feel when doing certain tasks. My baby seems to make everything difficult. Screaming during nappy changes, clothing changes, being put into his snowsuit, into carseat etc. He isnt happy with any of those things I am so disappointed in myself at how irritated I get by this. I try to be calm but some days (more than half) I swear in my head and grit my teeth to get through it. Nothing about my reaction feels motherly or kind. I then see countless mums on social media speaking about their blissful days with their ‘best friends’ and I just cry reading them. Out of guilt and jealousy.
I find motherhood a total mixed bag and I haven’t got a whole lot of enjoyment out of it.
My baby is currently going through a hitting phase which isnt fun, obviously. He also arches his back and screams whenever i move him closer to me (if he crawls off to somewhere I cant see him) and throws a tantrum if i take something off of him. My partner text me this morning asking how its going and it took everything in me not to text back... hell. ☹️
My mum constantly coos over him and says how babies are just the best thing ever and how my early years were the best years of her life. I feel the complete opposite and am crushed by guilt by that feeling. Most of the time all I want is a break, by myself, to be me. During covid, this has been absolutely impossible and I have felt frequently at my wits end.
Am I the most ungrateful, undeserving parent ever?

Sort answer, no!

Stay off social media, people only post their highlights, I guarantee they have sworn on their heads and gritted their teeth too. And the commodification of motherhood has given a lot of first time times a false sense of what the realities of motherhood are.

I'm 9 years in and I still frequent rly find it all overwhelming! At 1, I'm not surprised that you do, it's perfectly normal.

Seek out help if you think you need it, be that from family or through your Gp if you're worried about PND. But honestly, acknowledging and owning your feelings about motherhood is the best thing you can do to help yourself move forward. You'd be surprised how many people feel the same, you're not alone.

You're doing great! You've had to deal with being a first time parent during a pandemic, so do bear in mind that you're playing on a pretty high difficulty setting. Please be kind to yourself.

My immediate observation from your post is that it sounds like you're spending a lot of time (over) thinking these things - that can be a sign of anxiety or depression, do you think perhaps either of those might be impacting you?

In terms of your baby fighting against things like nappy changes, clothes etc, would it help you at all to frame this in terms of it being a sign of his growing independence? Mine is totally doing all that stuff (I can barely get him in the bath, he just goes rigid and protests at great length) and yep, it's really irritating. Here I am, trying to get through the various things we need to get done, and he's just making it ten times harder. I think it's normal for me (and you) to find that hard work. But it sounds like it's really getting you down, which is why I wonder whether a chat with your GP might be helpful?

Sorry to hear you're struggling. It sounds like you're doing really well, but you deserve to feel happy and comfortable in your life, and I hope that happens for you soon.

No you are not! Babies can be lovely but equally babies (and toddlers) can be very hard work. I was impressed the swearing was just in your head! My dh finds parenting hard and the thing i keep telling him is 'fake it til you make it.' Smile at them, care for them, sing to them. He asked me the other day if I actually enjoyed playing trucks with my son as I looked like I loved it. I was like 'um, I'm 37 so no not really but I'm pretending because it makes our 3 year old happy!'
Dont be too hard on yourself. Parenting in a pandemic is so fun

I have a 1 year old too. It is really hard. I also have a 4 year old so I can compare a life with a baby pre lockdown. Still hard but very different.

What you described is how my 1 year old is at the moment. And not all babies are like this. Your DC will grow out of this stage, I won't lie, 2s are hard, but as they get through that it is very different and more enjoyable.

Don't be hard on yourself. You should tell your partner it is hell. I find venting to mine makes things easier. Good luck

Babies are hard and it can be very boring and relentless. At least in normal times, you could meet other mums, go to baby groups and see their joy in the world around them but the same old walks and people isn't doing much at the moment. I have a 1 year old and a 5 year old and my 5 year old is so much easier / fun to be with. I love my 1 year old, she's gorgeous but it's hard work.

Oh man, absolutely not! We all have this weird idea in our heads about how it's going to be when the baby arrives and it surpasses expectation in some ways and hugely disappoints in others.

The adjustment is hard. So so hard.

My DS had colic so he screamed for a solid hour or two from 6pm onwards. That lasted until 4 months in and he was so full on from that point forward. Wouldn't concentrate on things for more than 3 minutes. Wouldn't sleep without me right next to him, feeding him. Wouldnt nap for longer than 30 minutes at a time. I had no time to myself.

So I feeeeeeeel your pain.
It's so much harder in lockdown too.

Give him something to play with when you're changing him. Anything that he doesn't usually get to -i used to give my DS like a pack of wipes with the lid still on, or a teething toy or a box to look at. Should distract him enough enough you change him.

Try and create a safe place if you can. We gated off our lounge, put all the delicate stuff out there way so he could literally explore wherever he wanted and we didn't have to be hovering like like helicopter all the time. It saved my sanity really.

And above all, go easy on yourself. The adjustment is hard but I didn't really start enjoying it until about 1 year in 🙈 different with 2nd baby as I knew what Im doing this time round. But first time is hard.

Absolutely not.

FTM as well. I hated the time of DD being 6-12 months. Everyone kept saying after 6 months parenting got easier/better, but for some reason it went the opposite way for me. It might just be you're more of a toddler+ person than a baby person as well. Heaven knows that since DD (17mo) has started walking and communicating a little it's gotten so much better for me.

Plus as PP said, you're parenting in a pandemic. There's nothing open to do. No groups, no cafes, no soft play, no zoos. Nothing. Nothing to break up the monotony. Nothing fun. At this point it's just gritting our teeth as yet another poxy day in this poxy lockdown begins. Oh. And the weather's shit too. Yay.

Put down the social media. It's all lies. People are only ever going to put up pictures that show them in a positive light. They're only showing the silver lining to what might be a gigantic grey thunderhead.

You're far from the only person to be feeling this. You're certainly not ungrateful or undeserving. You might not feel like it, but you're doing a great job.

My ten month old sounds v similar - changing nappy getting in the car etc drama drama tears. Is hard work. This morning he was cross as I wouldn't let him fling his water cup everywhere or eat the remote so sorry not much advice but sending solidarity

The baby and toddler years were like that for me too
Aged 3 onwards I started to feel confident and like a proper mum
Now I've got a 7 year old I can actually say I enjoy it and we love each others company .
You cant be the worlds worst first time mum ..
Because I was !

I became a MUCH better mum when I went back to work full time. I now love spending time with my toddler and really appreciate her, whereas having her full time is honestly hell. I’m not built to do mum things full time and maybe you are the same?

Baby years are hard, I thought I would love it, I love babies, but actually I didn't. I always felt overwhelmed by being at home with her without any activities to go to, we went to every playgroup, baby massage, baby sign language, rhyme times going. I had no idea what to do to keep her entertained just at home. Only now that she's 2 and a half am I really starting to enjoy her, she has a proper personality and we can converse and it feel much more engaging.

Practically, make life easier for yourself by letting him crawl where he wants, set up baby gates or barriers anywhere unsafe. Baby proof so he doesn't get hold of things he can't have. There are ways to avoid all these little fights that make the day stressful.

@KateEC91 if it helps, I adore my five year old DS but i adore him because of the person he is, not because I have any particular enthusiasm for the 24/7 company of babies or small children I approached the baby stage as a necessary step to the bigger picture of having an older child; it removed the pressure to ‘enjoy’ it. I think what you’re feeling is normal - it’s hard, dull and stressful parenting a small child. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them.

I have 4 children and me and my husband both find them irritating and stressful a lot of the time! . I think this is normal? We also have lots of happy times with them too of course.

However - as they get a bit older it is easier to enjoy their company - this weekend, me and my 11 year old DS are planning a Mexican meal night for the family - we enjoy cooking together and having a laugh. We also enjoy watching movies and things like The Simpson’s.

My youngest is 2 and although she is lovely, a lot of the time, especially because of lockdown, we are just trying to survive the day. To keep her happy I play the boring games and read the same stories over and over. When she is having a massive tantrum about something stupid I look calm-ish on the outside but inside I am cursing and my heart is racing with stress!

No, I am, and it's taken me years of practice to get this shite, so don't think you can just come along and steal my title after a mere year. Upstart.

Could have written this word for word.
Have an almost 5 month old baby, and really wondering if I'm cut out to be a mum most days.
Sending solidarity

Oh god I hated the bit from 6 months to 12 months. Still not sleeping, having to feed food AND give milk, and mobile with no bloody sense of danger. I felt like I was in a state of constant high vigilance, unable to achieve even the slightest household task beyond the endless fucking washing up. And it was so relentless and BORING. Things that helped were antidepressants, a counsellor who said my feelings were an entirely rational response to the position of women rearing children in Western society(!), going back to work, and my daughter getting to be six months older and not having to do bottles and weaning and all that crap. And we’d baby proofed the house so I was less anxious about where she was if she went out of my sight. And getting more sleep was a game changer. Feel your pain - but it does get better and they get so much more fun as they get older.

Ugh you are not alone. My little one is 9 months and I'm in constant disbelief that life can be so hectic yet so painfully boring at the same time. I spend all day washing up, wrestling her during nappy changes or reading the same book over and over. All whilst covered in banana or eggs.

Instagram is full of FTMs looking amazing, with babies who nap in their cots for 3+ hours at a time whilst they work out. It's all shite and it's not real.

When are people going to realise that social media is NOT a representation of real life?!?! There is a thread a week saying something similar to the OP. Everyone struggles, everyone's babies shout going into snowsuits, everyone's relationship suffers a bit at times. Once you realise social media is a lie you will feel much better.

My baby is 10 months old and moans constantly, it’s exhausting. I think like others have said, it’s a difficult age.

I know what you mean about acting a part, too. When I see other mums with their babies, they all seem like such naturals. Whereas I’m convinced that I very obviously don’t have a clue what I’m doing.

Totally normal, nobody will post on social media that theyre babies have drove them to breaking point, im sure most of us are guilty of just posting the best bits in life. My son had severe reflux as a baby and cried, screamed, arched his back etc constantly. I ended up with PND i was so hard on myself too looking back. I just wanted to be perfect like everyone else. The second time round ive definitely took pressure off myself and just try to get through each day as best (and semi sane) as i can. I remember the dramas of getting them into snowsuits, car seats, THE PRAM when theyd arch their back and straighten their legs and slowly slide down before i could clip them in! Little sods! Try to be abit easier on yourself, parenting is so hard some people just hide it better

No
You are not
Having a baby is hard and boring and demanding and you're sleep deprived

I can't imagine how you have coped with all of that on top of all this Corona anxiety and lockdown

Please be kind to yourself I am sure you are doing a brilliant job.

Swearing in your head is fine

Also worth remembering that the genuinely dreadful mums don't give a shit that they are bad mums because they are in such a bad place.

Not the worst at all !
A lot of what you say resonates with me. I spent the first year feeling like a 'fake mum' while everyone else seemed to be so natural, as if it was totally normal to suddenly grow a human and then love it more than life. That wasn't my experience!
I had bad PND, I'm not saying you do because actually a lot of what I felt I think was very normal. I just felt so guilty for feeling that way that I beat myself up for it and developed pnd.
Babies are SO boring for a lot of people, including me. I really didn't like being at home all the time, I didn't know how or when to entertain him, and I hated all the baby classes and that kind of thing.
Once I realised that, I started to relax more and get to know my baby on my terms. A big change for me was when he started saying words, and it's just got better and more fun from there. I truly love being with him now, it just makes more sense to me, and have naturally grown to feel more like a mum'.
I think you only realise it after you've had a baby how much expectation there is to conform to society's view of motherhood. Theres literally no room for anything other than the standard- instantly falls in love, instantly enjoys being at home with a non talking infant, instantly fulfilled by playing with playdoh all day type mum. Even as a modern, working person, I sort of expected that I would be so overcome with love and maternal instinct that I would suddenly change into this kind of mum.
But of course I didn't! Don't feel any kind of shame for coming to motherhood in your own way, in your own time. And fuck me, covid has made things a gazillion times worse. No wonder it feels weird to go out.
Is there anything you could do to feel a bit more positive about things- it really helped.me.to go on holiday with my son (sadly not right now but maybe in the future?). Sending love x

Aww OP honestly, this morning DS almost 2 was particularly tired and has a cold; we had meltdowns over:

• nappy change
• which bowl to have breakfast in
• getting undressed
• then getting dressed
• drinking the toilet water
• going out
• getting in the car
• wanting his nose wiping
• but not with those wipes
• going back in the house
• taking his gloves off
• wearing his slippers to bed

Ultimately I let him wear his gloves in the house as I’d lost the will to live. When he went down for his nap I could have cried with relief.

But I’ve still taken loads of photos of him from the laughs In between and could quite easily have posted a lush photo on social media about the cracking day with ‘my bestie’

It’s not all rainbows and unicorns for anyone, I promise.

Some days and phases are definitely better than others, and it does get easier to deal with, in my short experience!

Definitely not! I feel you & sending a big virtual hug! My little boy is 10 months old and whilst I absolutely love him dearly every day feels somewhat a chore. However we are in this wonderfully weird world where we can't go out to soft plays, see friends, mix with other new mums or even get that longed for break for a few hours where our family can take them off our hands for a bit. I wanted to remind you that to have gone through motherhood, as a first time mum, in a pandemic you've done bloody amazing!
My little boy was so so longed for for years, our ivf worked and everything was so beautiful then boom! this madness happened and every blissful moment I imagined was plagued with anxiety, guilt for feeling bored and I found myself absolutely zoning in to every minor thing my baby did/didn't do compared to others because...well, that's all I could really do with my time. I find myself in a haze all day like yourself, I can't concentrate and feel on autopilot most of the time. I do have PNA however I tell myself when I'm feeling that way to just breathe, take a moment out the room even if it means my baby screams the place down - and go back when you feel ready.
Completely get the whole toddler stage drama - my boy is 10 months and he surprises me with his little dramas of not 👏🏻 bending! 👏🏻 screaming if I try to put him anywhere, biting, crying at a nappy change or being changed. It can be so flustering when that happens but remember it's just their way of expressing themselves. I've probably spent too much time (just because it's the only thing to do 😄) trying to get into my boys tiny mind and working out what makes him happy, cross and frustrated - distraction!!! Distraction all the way as PP said giving them something that's different to a toy like a brush or the wet wipes.
Also...social media is the biggest liar of all liars! I have new mum friends on there who post so many things of how wonderful their days are, they also have made blogs about weaning journeys making everything look perfect and I feel so guilty for giving my baby cheese spread on bread, carrot puffs, banana and yoghurt for lunch when their baby's have advocado wraps, risotto and bloody unicorn glitter for theirs. But when I message them, their lives are by no means how they show them on social media and if anything I think Dya know what...we've got it pretty easy when I come to think of some of the problems they're experiencing.
My boy naps for half an hour only in his pram and is constantly on the go so I am desperate for hubby to come home. Some babies blissfully sleep in their cots for 2 hours at lunch time and I crave that!
Everyone parents differently and every baby is different so please remember you are not alone with how you feel 💕 if you do feel generally unwell or have any intrusive thoughts please do get in touch with your gp, they're there to help. One thing I've learnt through this craziness is that you are still you, just a different version of yourself, making time once little one has gone to bed to have a soak, watch some Netflix or doing something you're passionate about is a must...not sitting flicking through people's stories it just makes things worse.
I hope that helps & one things for sure, once the weather is a little warmer and we're not cooped up in the same room all day it'll hopefully lift a weight just being able to get outside or go for a picnic.
Feel free to pm anytime & know you're not alone xx

Babies are really hard work! Anyone who acts like it’s all rainbows and unicorns are talking out of their arses. And it’s easy to say with 20-30 years distance that the baby years were the best times of your life. Remember you are providing around the clock care for another human on limited sleep. And of course you feel stressed when babies arching their back to get dressed etc it’s super annoying! You sound like you are doing a great job. I hope you have support, do make the most of any offers of help if you can