Am I the worst first time mum in the world?

[KateEC91]

I have a 1 year old and have spent much of this past year in a complete haze.
I still sometimes cannot believe that I have a baby. I still feel abnormal when we manage to get out... I wonder if other people are looking at me thinking that im a complete fraud. I’m in my head the whole time just wondering if I feel how other mums feel. I watch them cooing with their babies seeming completely at home, whereas I still feel like this is all alien to me and I feel like i’m acting out the part of ‘mum’ rather than it feeling natural.
My main concern is how I feel when doing certain tasks. My baby seems to make everything difficult. Screaming during nappy changes, clothing changes, being put into his snowsuit, into carseat etc. He isnt happy with any of those things I am so disappointed in myself at how irritated I get by this. I try to be calm but some days (more than half) I swear in my head and grit my teeth to get through it. Nothing about my reaction feels motherly or kind. I then see countless mums on social media speaking about their blissful days with their ‘best friends’ and I just cry reading them. Out of guilt and jealousy.
I find motherhood a total mixed bag and I haven’t got a whole lot of enjoyment out of it.
My baby is currently going through a hitting phase which isnt fun, obviously. He also arches his back and screams whenever i move him closer to me (if he crawls off to somewhere I cant see him) and throws a tantrum if i take something off of him. My partner text me this morning asking how its going and it took everything in me not to text back... hell. ☹️
My mum constantly coos over him and says how babies are just the best thing ever and how my early years were the best years of her life. I feel the complete opposite and am crushed by guilt by that feeling. Most of the time all I want is a break, by myself, to be me. During covid, this has been absolutely impossible and I have felt frequently at my wits end.
Am I the most ungrateful, undeserving parent ever?

Babies are hard

Babies in lockdown are even harder

Becoming a mum is a steep learning, even steeper without access to the normal social activities to build your village.

Social media is fake. Nobody posts photos of when it’s midday, no one is dressed, the baby has just poonamied and everyone is in tears!

Be kind to yourself. It’ll get easier and more fun, I promise.

Thank you all so so much for such lovely replies. I genuinely was petrified at what other mums would say, especially at the frustration I sometimes feel. To know that I’m not alone (and that you aren’t either) is such a huge relief.
Sending you all the biggest virtual hugs and thank yous. I really really wish that I had been able to meet fellow mums like yourselves this year but sadly it wasn’t to be. So thankful for mumsnet.
Tomorrow is my sons first birthday and thanks to you all, I feel a bit more normal than I did this time last week! Hopefully I’ll be able to enjoy it more rather than constantly fret over whether or not i’m a ‘real’ mum xxx

Constant swear out loud when getting squirmy 1.5 year old in any thing with straps or clothing , generally get him dressed in stages
You sound perfectly normal comparison is the thief of joy

I didn't enjoy the baby years much as a first time mum. It really is non stop. Mine are teens now and, even with the challenges that that brings, I find it easier.

That said, I wish I had been more honest with myself and sought help for my mental health sooner. I'd had a lot of other problems in the run up to early motherhood and in the early years and zero support network. I often felt like you

To be honest I can't believe I ever went on to have a baby number two!

Baby stage was horrendous, I really didn't enjoy any of it, except looking at them when they are asleep and looking like butter wouldn't melt!

I just wasn't cut out for motherhood of very young children. It's relentless, boring and I received very little back (don't worry they both made it into adulthood unscathed).

I got joy out of them aged 5 +

Try not to feel guilty, it doesn't help.

I feel like I am kind of like the mum you describe - I feel comfortable with the role and even though I don't know what I'm doing it doesn't cause me great angst. (Although my baby watches loads of tv and eats Ellas kitchen pouches so not Instagram mum)

However sometimes I shock myself at the rage I feel when he is doing something irritating like not going down for a nap. I know logically in my head that I have some nights where I toss and turn so why should he be any different but I sometimes just feel blind rage and have to put him down and leave the room. I would never hurt him and feel so guilty about it. So I guess what I'm saying is that I think it's totally normal to feel irritated / bored / like an imposter. As long as it's not going down depression route and obviously being locked down is certainly not helping, then relax and give yourself a break.