Toddler refusing naps - husband can’t cope

[Dreamingsleeper]

My 26 month year old has started refusing the lunch time nap. She’ll lie awake in darkness for the whole 1.5 hours playing with her stuffed teddy. I started to think this was cruel and have begun to implement quiet time instead - downstairs lying on the sofa with a blanket, a book, and sometimes something gentle on the tv like In the Night Garden - as I think she is naturally weaning herself off day time sleep.

However my husband is very upset about this, saying he needs that quiet time in the day to relax without the kids otherwise it’s relentless (he only helps at weekends...never mind the relentless weekdays I do by myself...) He keeps saying we should just leave her up in her room in the dark and she’ll eventually drop off. Even if she doesn’t, she doesn’t seem unhappy lying there playing with her bear. I’m uneasy about this and plan on just carrying on with the quiet time downstairs. I’ve shown him articles that say toddler aged 2.5-3 will gradually cut out the nap but he says she’s still a bit young at 26 months.

Please can you let me know when your toddler stopped napping in the day and what you did as quiet time instead? Thanks

She's 2. TWO. Nearly two and a quarter. You can't carry on talking about their age in months forever.

@blacksax

She's 2. TWO. Nearly two and a quarter. You can't carry on talking about their age in months forever.

I think it's more because there is a huge difference between a just gone 2 year old and a nearly 3 year old. When talking about development or habits it's good to know where on the scale of 2 they are. I know I wouldnt tell someone my DD is 27 months IRL, but on MN it's useful when looking for advice.

My youngest was 26 months and my oldest was about 2.5.

Toddlers normally stop napping at about 2 IME! It's only in America that they nap until they're about four. And I think they tend to put them to bed later, so it evens out anyway.

It is a bit shit that he supposedly needs a break in the middle of the day at weekends but can't possibly let you have one during the week (appreciate it might be difficult if he works out of the home!) but perhaps you could discuss each giving each other a bit of time off during the day so he could go and chill out in the bedroom for an hour or so and then you have your turn.

Honestly though, in some ways I find the dropped nap a bit easier because it means we can start an activity or leave the house around 11, rather than having to be up at the crack of dawn in order to fit things in and have finished them and be home again (or at least in transit) before nap time. And we can actually go out in the afternoon just straight after an earlier lunch, rather than waiting for the nap to be over and a bit of wake up time before getting dressed up in outdoor stuff to go out. I suppose this is more of a pre-lockdown benefit, but it will warm up again soon and things should start to open again.

It's just different really as they get older, life changes. Quiet time is fine for a break really.

She’d be fine in her bed resting for half hour after lunch, a little down time never hurt anyone

For our family, we decided that dropping the nap was preferable to one or both of us having no evening with bedtime going on for up to 2 hours.

But as primary carer, this is your decision to implement not his....

Putting her in a cot in the dark for a couple of hours so she can be out of the way of her dad doesn't sound like great parenting to me

Your DH does know she will eventually drop her nap, right? What will he do then when his weekends are ‘relentless’? 26 month is pretty much bang in average for starting to drop the nap.

To paraphrase a well used Mumsnet saying, ‘You don’t have a toddler problem, you have a DH problem’

We did quiet time instead of naps with both DC from about 18m. We made the bedroom room dim (not completely dark), ensured all was safe and had a baby gate on the door so DC could potter quietly, look at books or lie down to doze.

It makes sense to base your decisions on your DDs needs, not your DHs. With 2 parents at the weekend you both should be able to get a break anyway.

However in response to PPs, it's not necessarily to leave a child chatting happily in their cot. My DS will play with his teddies, watch his star projections, chat to himself. Admittedly the room isn't that dark. He will quickly let us know when he has had enough! I believe it is beneficial to have quiet processing time even if he doesn't sleep.

We are often quick in this country to drop the nap when children start fighting it but this isn't always a reliable indicator they are ready to stop napping. My DS (about to turn 2) has just come out of a phase of not wanting to nap or go to bed in the evening. He us back to sleeping for 1.5 hours in the day and 11 hours at night. We very nearly gave up the nap and did an earlier bed time but felt a nap was still beneficial to him. We had the same with my DD and she continued to nap until turning 4.

That said, if your DD is not tired then fair enough, she is stopping the nap.

My daughter stopped napping in the day at 23 months when she started climbing out of her cot and we had to put her into a bed. She just wouldn't go down after that. I was gutted but accepted defeat. It is really hard I know as my son napped until he was 3 but every child is different. We never attempted any quiet time as DD just ploughed on through the day and seemed to manage. If she got really tired she'd take herself off to bed but that was rare. She's 3 now and will tell me if she wants a nap.

My dd dropped her daytime naps at 17 months, quiet time does not exist in this house because she just won't lay down or sit still. But she goes to bed at 7 and self settles, no night wakes at all so I'd rather that than day time naps tbh, least we get the whole evening to ourselves

Yup, it’s a shock and adjustment when they stop. One of mine was done by 2.5 - just as sibling arrived. But she had to be in bed by 7 as she was shattered. Other 2 went to 3.5 but often needed a car journey to get them off.

Warn him it’s also a shock when they stop going to bed at 7 and you have ages 10-13 ish where they hang out with you at night. Then in the blink of an eye, they are teens and you find yourself in bed before them.

He’s going to have to adjust to normal development.

Thanks everyone. I think I’ll keep offering the nap but then get her up if it looks like it won’t happen. I’d love for her to keep napping! I’m so exhausted with a baby and a toddler and I never get time to myself. I’ve signed up to a bloody postnatal yoga lunchtime zoom class that I’ve yet to actually attend so I’d love it if she’d sleep but in reality I think this is the downhill slope to no more naps.

Yes I agree my husband needs to get a grip. This winter lockdown has hit him quite hard. I get it - it’s a crap time, weather is awful, we have a small house with few places to escape for a bit of peace and quiet but I don’t think we can banish my DD to a darkened room to get some space. Plus as everyone has said - she won’t nap forever and he needs to get used to that!

Also, just to clarify, I have no problem with children doing independent play and I actually think it’s good for their creativity. I think the real reason I feel so worried about leaving her is the fact that she’s not adjusted very well to being a big sister. She’s very jealous of the baby and I can’t bear the thought of her thinking she was being put upstairs in the dark whilst I’m downstairs playing with the baby. Perhaps I’m projecting too much emotional intelligence on her and she’s actually not bothered that she’s upstairs in her cot whilst the baby is downstairs with me but I’d hate to think that’s she’s feeling banished alone up there. She can be quite sensitive.

Mine has gone through several phases of staying awake for the whole nap time for a few weeks, seeming like he needed to drop it, but it’s always come back. He’s 3yrs now and still needs to nap 3-4 times a week. As she’s only just turned 2, I’d err towards it being a bit early. If she’s happy to chill in the dark for now, I’d let it happen and see if the nap comes back. I’d only say it was cruel if you were forcing her in there and she was upset. If she’s happy, then she’s getting much needed rest.

However enforcing naps because the adult needs the break isn’t going to work and DH needs to realise that the nap will go at some point.

@ineedaholidaynow she slept for an hour and a half at which point I woke her up as I didn’t want her to be too off schedule for the day (she usually has an hour and a half). She had another 1hr 45 minute nap this afternoon which she settled really quickly for. I had to wake her up this morning and after both naps which is unusual. I actually don’t know how long she usually takes to settle for naps as I dont usually have the monitor on but because she woke up late this morning and I was putting her down at her normal nap time I wanted to check she wasn’t too awake or upset.

Sleep promotes sleep in my experience. I would keep putting her in her room then the routine is set for when she does need it. You are absolutely winning that she is happy either way. What a dream of a toddler. You must be doing something right.

Could you try putting her down for her nap a bit later? That way if she doesn't sleep she's not in her room for as long and it also might mean she sleeps if she goes down for nap later if she's more tired. Mine is 2, 3 in the summer and she still has a nap. It's usually about 1.5 hrs, altho sometimes less, 1.30-3pm. At nursery they go for nap around 12.15/12.30 so she has 45mins-1hr as she's not as tired at that time. We had nap time as 1 when she was your DC's age but she began fighting it a bit and/or taking ages to get to sleep, so we put it back to 1.30 and she goes straight off to sleep again now. Might be worth a try?

I do sympathise with your husband, my daughter has been resisting naps since about 20 months (now 22). I miss that guaranteed 2 hours of peace so much!!! We have had some days where she has rolled around and played in her cot for 1.5 hours, because I kept thinking ‘she’ll fall asleep eventually...’ but she didn’t. I try to put her down for a nap sometimes now but only leave her about 30 mins, and only if she’s not distressed. If she was crying or shouting I’d give up. I don’t think leaving a baby in their cot by themselves for a bit is cruel if they’re not unhappy.

Parents needs are just as important as kids needs, so if your DH is actually telling you he needs a break then you need to listen. Maybe that's not possible it fair in which case discuss that and use problem solving to find a good solution.
Just because he's not doing enough parenting doesn't mean his needs can be ignored, any more than he can ignore anyone elses needs. It's a bad direction for people to suggest that he shouldn't articulate needs and kids needs take priority in all cases.
For what it's worth my personal opinion is to leave your toddler in the bed if she's happy enough, just try to find the option that makes sure the maximum harmony for the maximum people. But of course listen to your toddler if they say they don't want to stay in their room, and also set the example that if people express themselves they are listened to, even if they don't get what they ask for. Good luck.

I should also have mentioned I'm not taking anyone's side here, it does sound like your dh could do with taking more parenting on, but again that requires communication and listening, if not then apply problem solving together to that problem.

We switched to an hour of iPad time