Would you have a second child if your husband contributed very little?

[chuckb4ss]

Assuming he does the absolute bare minimum. Sadly this isn't due to work commitments or anything like that and he actually wants a second. He just does very little, feels he's not the best with babies, seems he would rather be on his phone etc. He doesn't do much in terms of house work/cooking either so it's not like he can help in other ways. I think I would like a second but I think the reality of it with barely any support from my husband may well finish me off. And I will have zero time for myself as I have none as it is. Part of me wonders if I should just go for it and struggle immensely for the first few years? Otherwise I just picture myself forever sad that I never had a second.

How old is your first?

It would be madness to bring another child into a doomed relationship. You should be focusing your efforts on leaving him, not having another baby.

No, because your relationship is doomed. Sorry.

I did but that was because dh worked longer hrs and was barely around to do anything. Not sure I would have if he was hanging around, watching me looking after the dcs, doing chores while he sat on his arse on his phone.
That kind of resentment would make it hard for me to live with him.

Have a second with your next husband!

No not at all

I had my second DC last year just before the pandemic and unfortunately due to completely unexpected factors related to the pandemic DHs work situation changed and he leaves before DC are up and gets home well after they go to bed and works 6 days a week. It’s really tough doing things all by myself and I’m lucky to have very supportive family members who (Covid allowing) have helped; if I’d known that DH would be working like this then I wouldn’t have had a second DC when I did. It’s made better by the fact that when DH is home then he takes the children for me to catch up on sleep and I can see a future where things are different whereas in your situation I’m not sure I could manage the resentment of doing everything myself

I wouldn't because he has shown you what his priorities are and he has shown you that he expects you to do everything.

But given how many threads there are where anyone advising against having children with a known manchild is accused of claiming to be perfect parents (because expecting a man to pull his weight is so bloody unreasonable to some on here 🙄), I suspect you'll get some encouragement to have another child.

It's time for a second husband, not a second child.

My DH was well meaning but found the baby stage hard and I BF for a very long time so a lot of the work fell to me. Our relationship is not remotely doomed and we are very happy but it did feed in to my decision not to have a 2nd.

Of course not, if he is that bad when you are together how will it be when he is not? The marriage is doomed as it is.

Why are you putting up with this, let alone considering a second child with such a man?

I guess the logical thing everyone will say is no, leave consider it in a different relationship later.

Do you think you would actually go through with ending things with him? It is much easier said than done when you have a child with someone. Because if not then you may well end up resenting him just as much for your decision not to have another child than you would for him not doing his share.

The baby years do go very quickly and as exhausting as it is the strain on your relationship wouldn't last forever.

I guess what I am saying is rationally it isn't the best idea to have another. But, rarely people want children for rational reasons. Life is never rosy in all areas either. Even the most perfect relationships to start with can go pear shaped.

Just think though if you are planning on leaving this man one day then the deeper you get in the harder it is to get out. Don't underestimate that. Plus often that extra child can be the difference between whether this is the long term relationship of your life or not.

So, it's not the best situation either way really is it. Life never is though. What is the worst of the scenarios? What can you absolutely not live with? What will you regret more?

Whatever decision you make just know that you have made it for the best reasons at the time.

I'd have a second with someone else.

Maybe, but not with him

I would not even stay with him, what exactly does be being to the table?

No. What if you had a girl? Would you want her to grow up thinking this is acceptable?

Some people are rubbish with little babies but they contribute in other ways while still trying hard to be a good parent.

I couldn’t imagine want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t even aspire to be good partner or parent.

Of course he's keen on having a second, he's not having to do any of the work with the baby you currently have! How does he think he's going to get better with babies or children if he doesn't put the effort in?

feels he's not the best with babies
Such. A. Lame. Excuse. I don't enjoy the early baby stage but I still put the effort in because that's being a parent.

No, I wouldn't have another baby with your husband. My DH commented that the big difference with having two is how much extra he had to do, and he's always been hands on.

Sadly this isn't due to work commitments or anything like that and he actually wants a second.

He wants a second because he does fuck all for the first so what's the increase to him?

Nope nope nope. You will run yourself into the ground.

No. I really wouldn't. My DH does loads, it's still beyond exhausting.

The baby years do go very quickly and as exhausting as it is the strain on your relationship wouldn't last forever.

Something I found striking about OLD was how many people were there after their relationships didn’t survive a second toddler.

The baby years do not last forever but an irresponsible uninvolved parent does.

Nope. This is one of the reasons why DS is an only.

I agree with @IdblowJonSnow. My DH is brilliant and very hands on even when working from home, I’m still finding it really hard work!