I am my 1yo's third favourite person

[BoomyBooms]

This has been upsetting me for a couple of weeks now. I have spoken to my DP about it and he tries to understand and be supportive but he is now getting upset at friction between me and his parents, and I don't really know what to do.

I have just returned to work (part time) after a year of maternity with my first baby. It's been good for me, I've needed something to use my brain again and DS loves his two days at kindergarten and one day with grandparents.

So as not to drip feed I did struggle immensely with maternity. I found it very boring and like hard work and I did have mild pnd. But I always always loved DS and was responsive to him and tried my hardest to give him anything and everything he needed.

About six months ago I had to come to terms with being DSs second favourite person after it became clear that DS just adores his dad. He thinks he is hilarious, and generally is more excited for him and focussed on him than he seems to be with me. He is very generous with affection with his dad too. Fine, this isn't about my ego, this about DS having a loving relationship with both parents.

He now also seems to adore his nan more than me - when I take him off her at drop off (she and FIL are our childcare and support bubble) he reaches to get back to her instead of me and when she's around I might as well be invisible.

It just really hurts me because I try so hard to be a good mum, I do so much for him and I love him so much. I'm the one that puts effort into games for us to play together, I read up on all the baby care and cook him lovely things, read to him, take him for walks, chat away to him all the time, and I've done all the planning and preparation for his upcoming birthday party. I cry about it sometimes.

The problem now is that I'm horribly jealous of my lovely in-laws. I'm angered by little things and comments they make like reminding me to send a hat or telling me what DS does or doesn't like. I know that's inappropriate of me and of course I want them and DS to have a lovely relationship. I'm being very sensitive about it.

How do I manage my sadness and jealousy in this situation other than just bottling it up? Is there anything I can do to make DS like me more? I can't just keep talking to DH about it because it upsets him too.

"Is there anything I can do to make DS love me more"

OP you have said mild PND have you had a diagnosis or treatment?

You DO NOT need to put your time and emotions into making DS love you more!

You need to love yourself more!!

You are his MUM. It's all getting bigger and bigger in your head but please stop trying to 'win' love with your DS sometimes surviving is all you can do some days. I'm sure he loves you very much but ranking his love is self destructive

All kids love people who are fun and give them treats, it doesn't mean he loves you any less. You're his mum, he's just too little to realise that love is about more than sweets etc.
Please don't feel bad about it, just carry on doing what you're doing and give him lots of hugs x

Often...
Mum is constant. They can rely on mum for anything.
Grandparents, Dad's etc, who arent around as much in those early days, and more of novelty.

It's also why they act up more for Mum than other people.

Your son loves you. And knows you will be there whatever, to cook his meals, read him the story, snuggle with when upset.

This is so normal and actually a good thing! He is securely attached to you and knows you will also be there for him. He doesn't need to show off and impress you! Also, mums/primary carers do get boring, don't they? If you do most of the care then he is used to you and other people are far more exciting! He will go through phases of having either you or your partner as his "favourite" (my 4yo told me he loves daddy best the other day and kindly added "I quite like you too mummy" - honestly it just made me laugh!). If you love him and are spending time with him and caring for him then you really don't need to do anything else. If you feel not properly bonded then do seek advice from your GP as could be PND as pp have said.

This is so normal and actually a good thing! He is securely attached to you and knows you will also be there for him. He doesn't need to show off and impress you! Also, mums/primary carers do get boring, don't they?

This. I have a three year old. She routinely tells me she loves her grandparents, her friends, friends' siblings, the ice cream man over the road and most memorably her mate's uncle who she's never met. It's fine. Our relationship is great.

Clearly your PND is at issue here, please get support to think through how it can impact you. But remember that the secure bond you have means that DC feels freedom to explore and engage with others, and that's a good thing.

Agree it shows security. Dad and nan have novelty value so get more of an excited reaction. You are part of the furniture and taken for granted. This has its pros and its cons.

Bet he wants you when he’s tired, upset, hurt himself etc.

Thank you sorry I asked, 80 moves and ithinkhedidit - this is normal then? I didn't know it was normal. Everything's all 'attachment parenting' and 'mum is baby's favourite person' I thought it was abnormal for such a young baby to seemingly prefer other people.

Shake it off you've hit the nail on the head. Thinking like this does feel self destructive, I'm just not sure how to stop worrying about it. Yes I've had pnd diagnosis and treatment.

Wearywithteens your comment reads unfairly brutal to me. I didn't know this was normal. Of course his existence isn't about my ego. Of course I want him to develop healthy relationships.

Ithinkhedidit that made me laugh. Perhaps this is something I really will have to get used to. I'm not sure how to judge whether we are bonded or not. He definitely is a happy little thing and we are both happy when we are together! There could be more fun in our days but that's only a lockdown thing tbh.

Mine was like this at his age. You are boring mummy. You have always just been there, much like walls or the floor.

Mine is obsessed with his daddy, granny and grandad but it's always mummy he needs when he is tired and upset. A mummy cuddle will stop him crying quickly but a daddy cuddle doesn't quite do the same job.

Also, the favourites do come and go. I am currently my son's favourite, but daddy was for a good 6 months or so because he works long hours over the summer.

I personally love seeing my son interact with his grandparents, and it's great hearing him ask for granny and grandad (they provide essential childcare as allowed in Scotland). I loved going to my grandparents as a child, and I want that for him too. Mums will never be appreciated in the same way.

Even though it is normal, it definitely hurts sometimes. My 7yo still runs downstairs excitedly when DH gets home from work. Boring old mum is the person who makes her tidy her room and do schoolwork. (and play games, build Lego, watch DrWho, bake cakes etc....)

One of my dts didn’t even use my name properly until around 18 months.
We would show him photos and he would be able to name everyone - apart from me.
I was always there and just a constant safe person which is lovely and exactly what dc need - a safe and secure attachment.
It’s great being that person, you just won’t get to be the one who they’re excited to see because they just trust that you will be always be there.

I read something about parenthood that stayed with me - that our babies don’t belong to us, but that we belong to them. You are your baby’s universe, his everything! You are the safe place and that means love, but everything else too. Motherhood is so tough - it has caused me to think about my relationship with myself constantly. I reckon this can only be a good thing as it means we grow, evolve and learn in doing the toughest job there is. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job and please be kind to yourself - it sounds cliched but when I feel like this I try and tell myself what I would tell a friend. It’s been difficult with lockdown but all these wonderful relationships with any family members have such a positive impact on your little ones life and development and over time it is lovely to watch.

You are like gravity, op. Totally essential, don't even need to check if you are there- of course you are. You barely exist separately from him, in his head. He doesn't need to reach for you because in many ways you are him/he is you.

You don't need to be his favourite person, you are his most important person.

The most important thing is he is loved and people love him.

You are his mum and I promise you when he gets one of the usual kiddie illnesses, you are the only one he will want.

I think it's absolutely true that you are the most important person - I've read even cuddles from mum lower a baby's stress levels more than a cuddle from anyone else. It's just your baby won't necessarily show it! He just expects and knows you will be there and that means he is very securely attached. Also clingy phases are equally as normal (just in case he suddenly hits a phase of separation anxiety!). Babies go through so much learning and developing- you just need to be there for them. You're doing a great job! Try not to worry!

I left my 6 year old dd's dad and went from never having spent a night apart from her, to going for 3 weeks without seeing her except for on facetime. It couldn't be helped but I was worrying myself sick that she'd stop loving me or she'd forget me, or she'd not want to come and stay with me when the time came etc, but once she was with me everything was fine. I had never felt any worries before about my dd loving me and it must be upsetting for you to feel that way so often. Like others have said, I think it's a sign of his security though. He knows you're there, you're the constant. He's excited with others because they are more of a novelty. I think you need to try and feel reassured that he loves you and that's why he behaves this way, but if you find that you're still struggling then maybe it's your pnd and maybe you will need some extra support.

Definitely normal OP

I know it's not a switch you can turn off but I definitely feel toddlers can sense a mood. Ie. If I'm having a bad day we will clash a lot quicker than we normally would.

Happy mum, happy baby.
Remember to love yourself too

You sound like you’re doing everything right and this is a total normal phase. Maybe get checked out for PND for your own sake, not your baby’s.

My second was the same. He said eeeeeveryone else’s name before mine. Always so so excited to see DH or to see my Ddad (who was and always is completely befuddled by tiny babies, it’s not like he was even making an effort 🤣). Sometimes it’s not until they need you that you see the depth of their affection. But be assured you will see it.

And then just when he gets really aware of loving you, then comes the stage of “I love Granny more, she lets me have chocolate cake and watch TV while I’m having tea” etc etc.... they are fickle sometimes 🤣 it’s normal and it doesn’t reflect his deep love and need for you. 💜

I must be about number 5 on DDs list. I just enjoy the extra sleep when she's up yelling for her dad at 3.30am.

You are the centre of his world.
Now he’s exploring making relationships with other people. It’s great that he and they are good at it, because it’s a massively important skill.
He’s good at it because he’s already learnt it with you. Don’t be sad, you’ve succeeded brilliantly.

Who's he naughtiest "for"? That's the person he feels most secure with - honestly!

Plus some of this is developmental in terms of his becoming an individual and his age and his new routine.

Get more support for the Pnd which I suspect is what's influencing your insecurities.

My dd is 20 this week (yes I feel VERY old) she and I have had many discussions about our relationship and her behaviour as a child. I had several periods where it got me down that she mainly "acted up" for me! And seemed to reserve "best behaviour" for others, a lovely relative pointed out that she likely felt pressure to behave well for others as she didn't know how far she could push THEM but she knew I'd always be there for her.

Mums are almost always the soft cushion to fall on. He's still so very young and you're still struggling to come to terms with being a mum, it takes a while and takes some longer than others. You'll get there

Totally normal for babies to appear to be closer to any number of people and that will continue to some degree his whole life. Wait till he's a teen and you barely get a grunt!

I've looked after many other people's children as well as my own dd (ex childminder and nanny) and it's really totally normal

Yeah I would get used to it if I were you. I do bloody everything for all my kids and my youngest tells me he loves daddy more, draws pictures of me throwing him into a volcano and pictures of me harming animals... I'm always taking in strays and I'm the one who feeds the animals in this house. Honestly I can't win. My older ones tell me I'm cringy and embarrassing and they hope they're as stylish as their nan is one day. I don't take it to heart, I know I'm just boring old mum to them but also I grew up in a very insecure relationship with my mum and I was CLINGY beyond anything to her and I realise now that's because I wasn't secure in my relationship with her

Ah I felt like this when DD was a similar age, I reckon I had undiagnosed PND. I did have specialist long term therapy to work on our bonding and things which was really helpful and helped my MH immensely. By discharge I was satisfied that we had a strong loving bond and I didn't agonise over every little parenting decision I made anymore. Also they do often go through phases. Around that age my DD did seem to have a small preference for her dad but since she's been about 18m old she has had a strong preference for me and to be honest I bloody hate it. The hystrionics just cos I need to pee or whatever do my nut in and I wish she would get over it but it's been over a year now and ongoing.

Wow such a fantastic response - thank you EVERYONE. Im so relieved, and comforted. You have explained it to me in ways that make sense. I like the gravity theory. I also like the picture of you throwing your child into a volcano.

I'm going to keep this thread and come back to it when I'm worrying about this again, and make myself get my head straight.

You also prompted me to ask DP to come down for grandparent drop off this evening and o saw that DS wanted to reach back for his Nan just as much as he does for me. And he then in fact wanted to be passed around all of his favourite people! I have just reduced my antidepressant dose and I'm wondering whether that's not helped. I'm going to keep a close eye.

This is completely normal, hes only 1 he doesnt understand the concept of favourites. Most likely because you're the one who's there 24/7 itll seem like he loves other peoples attentions much more but trust me, he doesnt.
The fact you're so upset about it is most likely the post natal depression, have you discussed this with your health visitor or a doctor? It can often cause irrational thoughts and feelings.

My 3 year old can, and always has, been the same way with my mum. And when I'm there and my mum is too its often like I dont even exist because she goes straight to nanny for everything "I dont want you to put my shoes on, I want nanny" "no nanny has to take me to the toilet not you", I just roll my eyes and let her get on with it because at the end of the day when shes feeling cuddly, or scared, or wants something special its mummy she comes to ❤