I am my 1yo's third favourite person

[BoomyBooms]

This has been upsetting me for a couple of weeks now. I have spoken to my DP about it and he tries to understand and be supportive but he is now getting upset at friction between me and his parents, and I don't really know what to do.

I have just returned to work (part time) after a year of maternity with my first baby. It's been good for me, I've needed something to use my brain again and DS loves his two days at kindergarten and one day with grandparents.

So as not to drip feed I did struggle immensely with maternity. I found it very boring and like hard work and I did have mild pnd. But I always always loved DS and was responsive to him and tried my hardest to give him anything and everything he needed.

About six months ago I had to come to terms with being DSs second favourite person after it became clear that DS just adores his dad. He thinks he is hilarious, and generally is more excited for him and focussed on him than he seems to be with me. He is very generous with affection with his dad too. Fine, this isn't about my ego, this about DS having a loving relationship with both parents.

He now also seems to adore his nan more than me - when I take him off her at drop off (she and FIL are our childcare and support bubble) he reaches to get back to her instead of me and when she's around I might as well be invisible.

It just really hurts me because I try so hard to be a good mum, I do so much for him and I love him so much. I'm the one that puts effort into games for us to play together, I read up on all the baby care and cook him lovely things, read to him, take him for walks, chat away to him all the time, and I've done all the planning and preparation for his upcoming birthday party. I cry about it sometimes.

The problem now is that I'm horribly jealous of my lovely in-laws. I'm angered by little things and comments they make like reminding me to send a hat or telling me what DS does or doesn't like. I know that's inappropriate of me and of course I want them and DS to have a lovely relationship. I'm being very sensitive about it.

How do I manage my sadness and jealousy in this situation other than just bottling it up? Is there anything I can do to make DS like me more? I can't just keep talking to DH about it because it upsets him too.

My DS used to gently push me out of the room when his once-a-week nanny arrived. (He could barely reach my bum but he'd do his best to manoeuvre me so I'd be facing the door, and then he'd very gently shove encourage me out of it.)

This was a good thing. I left the room completely satisfied that DS was happy and loved for those hours he was with her.

DS also always had a deep attachment to my ex, who was basically Saturday Fun Dad, except he wasn't even that much engaged.

Meanwhile, I was the unexciting furniture, the one there every day. He never ran towards me in excitement, though he was always very loving.

He's now 19, and I have such a good relationship with him. He knows he can depend on me. He knows I will always be there for him. He's not three years old, so he knows the difference between Fun Carer and dependable parent. (And there is totally a place for Fun Carer! Fun Carer is a good thing!)

The poster who said upthread that you are like gravity has hit the nail on the head.

I'm angered by little things and comments they make like reminding me to send a hat or telling me what DS does or doesn't like Irrational, but this would mildly annoy me too

But I really doubt you’re number 3 . I completely agree with this: You are the centre of his world. Now he’s exploring making relationships with other people. It’s great that he and they are good at it, because it’s a massively important skill. He’s good at it because he’s already learnt it with you. Don’t be sad, you’ve succeeded brilliantly.