What's with all the dad's that don't care for the baby??

[Razpoot]

I'm not with my own partner anymore, multiple reasons, domestic assault being the main one. But he also wasn't taking part in looking after our daughter.

He would rather play video games or chill out 90% of the time. And it's really sad to see, because 4 of my friends with babies at the moment are having this same problem. The dad gaming in all cases strangely, all day, leaves all the work and responsibility to the mums. I used to be a heavy gamer too actually before my daughter arrived, but I dropped these leisures I used to enjoy so much to spend time with her, I only do it now when she's away with family. Why is this so common, at least from what I'm seeing? It upsetting to see my friends get frustrated over the dad refusing to drop some hobbies a bit to spend time with their children. If you have a baby, shouldn't you expect that you're going to lose time for what you enjoyed? It's a sacrifice that it seems some arent willing to make

On one hand, I think there's a large minority men don't want the babies, they have them because it keeps the mother happy or -worse- it was an accidental pregnancy. If they didn't want the baby before it was born, they're not going to want it after.

On the other hand, I think a lot of mothers are hypercritical and possessive of the baby and after getting belittled for the twelfth time that day for how they're holding their own baby they just say fuck it, do it yourself, and clock out. You can't deny the father the chance to bond with the baby in his own way, then get annoyed when he has little interest/knowledge when things get tough.

Men dont want babies, but they'll take tge glory.

Yes, you could be right. I'm not sure how the dad feels about the children but it could very well be a possibility that they didn't want them as much in the first place

I agree with your second part, although it was a bit twisted in my own situation. Ex was constantly criticizing that I was possessive, and to an extent I probably was a bit e.g. she is a very light sleeper and can't be moved from one person to another or she wakes up, she is breastfed so all the feedings were down to me. That turned into "you're just hogging her", and I didn't want her to get nipple confusion so on I wanted to wait a bit before giving her bottles and that turned into "you just want her all to yourself". He complained to me and to his parents, that the reason he didn't do anything was because I didn't let him, when the truth was he avoided any work at all costs whenever I tried to get him involved from day one. I think in his case he believed it was a woman's job. He would take her for 10 minutes a day and then give her back to me so he could game or drum. If I asked him to spend longer with her he wouldn't and would get angry

This is not common among the men I know. There is a spectrum but actually more and more are taking shared parental leave and being the sole carer (in the day) when the mother goes back to work.

I think with very tiny babies it can be tough for the dad. My DH wants to be hands on and adores DD. DD (2 months old) prefers me because I am the source of milk. If I'm with DD and she's upset, at the end of the day, I can put her on the breast and she'll calm down. DH can't. He does look after her, but if I'm honest, less than either he or I would really like. Hopefully once she's on solids this will change. (It had better, I'm the main earner, so once my maternity leave is over, she'll have to put up with daddy looking after her!)

Not that any of that is an excuse for never changing a nappy, or not trying to spend time with your baby. (DH is good with nappies and does far more changes than me!)

Anyone who drums [not in a rock star way] and games all day is never going to be a catch.

@NeurologicallySpeaking That's really reassuring to hear! It makes me happy that there are men taking a lot more responsibility, just wish it wasn't so unfortunate in my case that my friends aren't having that experience

Patriarchy/sexism! We live in a sexist society. I didn't even realise to what extent until I had children.

Hm I don’t think it’s fair to label the majority like this though. It’s sad that there are some.

But my OH has been downstairs with our 1year old since 5am while I sleep (trowel through MN) - this is a very common practice. Sometime’s I get up and do the same for him but it’s mostly him letting me catch up.

We also take in turns bathing and putting to bed however most of the time we do it together anyway.

I think I’d be leaving if I didn’t get any help. No one wants to raise a baby and a adult child.

@110APiccadilly Definitely agree, since I'm breastfeeding to it does make the dynamic a lot more mother-focused in the early months. He sounds like a good dad! 2 months is still so young, with so little awake times. Hopefully once she is a bit older, playing with toys etc and happily awake for longer he can get to have some good fun with her. Sometimes my mum takes mine (6 months) for 2 hours or so and then back to me for a feed and she falls asleep, it's a big weight of my shoulders.

@Razpoot it is super recent. I would say there has been a change in the last two years in my circle. I'm fortunate that my DH is besotted with the babies so I'm currently in the bath while he feeds the baby and makes our older DD breakfast (we did this the other way round yesterday)

@TerrifiedOfTrying4No2 I was honestly hoping to see some stories about good experiences like yours.

I don't want to influence them too much (my friends) in leaving them since I don't feel it's my place but I know 2 of them are considering it, I think they're just getting really frustrated

I think Fastedbrownie hits the nail on the head.

Plus it's considered socially acceptable for this large minority of men to do very little and if anyone says "why do we keep accepting it" then they get shouted down and accused of expecting women to take responsibility for men's actions. Some men are deliberately/selectively useless and they are 100% responsible for their actions. It doesn't mean as women we should accept it, or continue having babies with men who have already proven that they don't pull their weight.

@Razpoot I breast fed my dc but my dh would still get up in the night and settle them after feeds.
He didn't do as much nappy changing and bathing as I did but he spent a lot of time with dc because he wanted to.

My ds loves gaming yet is still a hands on df to our dgc because he wants to be with him.

Saying the mum never gives the dad a look in is a cop out imo.
If a dad wants to spend time with his dc he will.

Perhaps I was lucky and perhaps my dh was a good role model to our ds.

When we discussed having babies - even before we got married 1 we had conversations about it would look like, in general terms (for example: childcare, division of labour etc. That has evolved since our first pregnancy but essentially I’d never have had babies or settled for someone who didn’t realise that eg in our small house his games stuff would have to go away to make space for a baby.

I am surprised by how few couples seem to do this. Eg my friend proudly telling me her husband had changed his mind and agreed to push buggies once the babies had arrived.

Mostly I’m sad for the children though as it sets it up for another generation of stereotypes.

Patriarchy/sexism! We live in a sexist society. I didn't even realise to what extent until I had children.

This ..with fucking bells on

Amongst my social circle, I've seen this more than I expected to. The partners all seemed like 'good guys' and planned to be involved fathers.

I do think the reasons varied though. There were some men who said they felt pushed out by their partners especially when the babies were young but this did improve as the children grew up. I still think they didn't really try enough and if you can't get as much time with the baby, do the fucking washing up or cook a meal!

The others were more difficult. It's like the a switch flipped and they became sexist idiots as soon as the baby was born or sometimes during the pregnancy.
Two blokes I know became jealous little boys. Drinking more, going out, badgering new mothers for sex, doing fuck all in the house and generally being arseholes when there wasn't really any clues beforehand.
Relationships broke up and it was really shit.

I do think there's a prevailing attitude that life changes for women but not so much for men. Also, that once the mat leave starts they see all the housework and childcare is the sole duty of the little woman and stop seeing it as their responsibility too.

Unfortunately I had this with my DH to a worse extent but many friends have it to some degree. It seems that men enjoy all the glory of having a baby but aren't so keen on the work. The man's job is often seen as more important making it a case of he who cannot be disturbed or he who needs to rest. Unfortunately this is often egged on my MIL or DMs as was in my case who tell stories of martyrdom where they catered large parties a few days postpartum and their partners never did a night feed or nappy. The issue now is that I work and contribute financially which seems to be forgotten. We had to have a few come to Jesus talks and we now have a rota for 'night shifts'. I also found gaining more independence and economic power essential to redress the balance but many women will not do this. Some of my friends simply do not want to work (I know). One even said she wanted to leave her DH but that she thought he should continue to support her financially to be a SAHM! Women should be encouraged to remain as independent as possible and men need better role models

I think there are a few reasons for it, in no particular order:

• Some men have an innate belief, however well they hide it pre-parenthood, that anything to do with children is 'women's work' so they don't have to do it
• Related to this, there is still a strong belief among men (and a lot of women, tbh) that women are innately suited to childrearing and men are not - this can be used as an excuse, but some men genuinely believe that they aren't capable of taking a primary responsibility of looking after children
• In cases where the woman has pushed for having children, or in bad cases given an ultimatum, this can lead to an attitude of 'she wanted the baby, so she can take care of the baby'
• Some men just are not emotionally ready when the child is born and react by withdrawing into what was familiar from their 'old' lives (this tends to improve as the baby gets older)
• Some men are not given the space to develop their own parenting style ('You're holding the baby wrong!')
• Too many men don't start from the principle that leisure time should be shared equally - if, for example, an hour of gaming had to be traded off for an hour for the mum to have to herself, I think you'd see a big difference.

I mean there are just some men that are fundamentally unsuited to parenthood, but it not always the case that low engagement with a baby = lazy arsehole

@NeurologicallySpeaking you must move in an extremely liberal circle. Myself aside (I took 3 months shared parental when my son was 9 months old) I know of one other couple that split their parental leave. I was the first person in my company (FTSE 250) to ever request it apparently.

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

Anyone who drums [not in a rock star way] and games all day is never going to be a catch.

This. Who gets into a relationship with a man who does gaming every waking minute and thinks "ah, I've found the perfect man to father my children"?!

Gaming is very addictive and while some people can stick to doing it at reasonable times, others want to do it all the time. If he can't / won't cut down before becoming a father it's naive to assume he will do so after baby comes.

Same with other addictive things like alcohol and drugs.

It's a wider problem though, not just gaming. As Bertie said it's because patriarchy, innit.

I have six men in my social circle, all with dc under 10. None of them act in this way. They all do a fair share/ have the dc alone/ do housework and cooking/ take the kids out or away without mum etc. This includes my own husband.

I don't know how you fix it if they don't want to opt in.

DH wasn't fussed about having a baby whereas I was. However from the start he recognised that he had 50% responsibility for his own child. When DS was a tiny non sleeping baby DH would send me to bed early and would do any wakings up to midnight on week days. Then at weekends he did all night wakings (DS was ff so appreciate this doesn't work for ebf). Obviously when DH was at work I did all care but as soon as he got home he would be handed the baby for a while.

Now DS is almost 5 and still not the best sleeper so we alternate nights and we each have a lie in at the weekend. DH does 60% of bedtimes. During the day we both take equal care of DS. He is more independent now so we do get some time for hobbies during the day but if he wants to play with us we either do so as a family or DH and I take it in turns. We always go out for a family walk every day too. In non Covid times we would head out on family days out too.

DH likes gaming but he restricts it to the evenings.

Sometimes gaming can come in handy with small babies, like when DS won't sleep lying down and we have to take it in turns to hold him upright at night. DP will put him in the sling and then play a game on his computer so that he won't fall asleep like he would if he watched TV or read a book.

He gets up in the night and holds him for 20/30 mins after each night feed so that I can get back to sleep before DS comes to bed (as he's so noisy), because DP can fall asleep instantly whereas I take a while.

Not the case in my circles.

At DS1's christening, my DF (retired police and very 'traditional' was gobsmacked because all the men were holding the babies and the mums were enjoying a glass of wine! I will never forget his face and his muttering...

Agree with PP, I didn't want to have children with XBF's, but I did when I met DH and saw him with his DN and my godson.

We went on to have 4DC and he is wonderful with them.
His friends are all the same. One of them was scared of the newborns but made up for it once he got over that, and is excellent now the children are a bit older.

In my group of five close friends, not one of the DHs is like this. They just aren't it's a bit alien to me. Why would you tolerate it?

My DH isn't a gamer (thank god!) but he is into a sport. He still has some time to do this (we have two children under five) but far far less than he did pre children just like I have far less time to do my hobby. When we were waking at night with the children as babies, he got up and did feeds once they took bottles, changes, settling etc.

Why would you have children (knowingly) with someone who was going to be uninterested in their children? It would totally put me off someone if they were useless, how immature and selfish.