What's with all the dad's that don't care for the baby??

[Razpoot]

I'm not with my own partner anymore, multiple reasons, domestic assault being the main one. But he also wasn't taking part in looking after our daughter.

He would rather play video games or chill out 90% of the time. And it's really sad to see, because 4 of my friends with babies at the moment are having this same problem. The dad gaming in all cases strangely, all day, leaves all the work and responsibility to the mums. I used to be a heavy gamer too actually before my daughter arrived, but I dropped these leisures I used to enjoy so much to spend time with her, I only do it now when she's away with family. Why is this so common, at least from what I'm seeing? It upsetting to see my friends get frustrated over the dad refusing to drop some hobbies a bit to spend time with their children. If you have a baby, shouldn't you expect that you're going to lose time for what you enjoyed? It's a sacrifice that it seems some arent willing to make

It depends though, if the father is working then why shouldn’t the mother shoulder the wait ? That’s team work.

I also agree that some men aren’t fussed about having children, but just do it to keep the woman happy.

I also think Formula Feeding doesn’t get enough credit. BF is best in a lot of ways, but what’s the point to have an angry frustrated Mother and a relationship breakdown at the expense of it.

I have no idea. I see a pattern among people I know that it’s the men who don’t pull their weight with house work who don’t involve themselves with childcare. I’m already drilling into my 4 year old when she is playing babies that she must choose a good partner. I hope she learns from out home but my sister managed to marry a man who does less with her children and in the house than our own Dad did even though our Mum was a SAHM and my sister has always worked full time.

@NeurologicallySpeaking

This is not common among the men I know. There is a spectrum but actually more and more are taking shared parental leave and being the sole carer (in the day) when the mother goes back to work.

That's my experience as well. More instances of shared parental leave etc. In our case I work FT and my DP is a SAHD.

Most of my friends have children. All but one mum bf for at least a year. All of the husbands/partners are enthusiastic involved dads. Two quit work to stay at home after mum finished maternity as the woman was the higher earner. What you describe isn’t what I see at all. But none of the men are gamers though they do mostly have hobbies, as do the women.

Sorry your partner is not being a father. I do think many men and women are still socialised to think it’s women’s work to care for babies. How many times have I seen the results of this on MN? Too many to count as well as side effects like women doing it to men by refusing to hire a male babysitter or nanny or use a child care facility with a male employee.

So you say you want positive stories? Well my DH has been a very good father. He actually did bulk of childcare as I was higher earner and my job had a lot of travel. Even now we are down to last DC at home, he still does half the housework and most of teenager care and feeding.

My sister too has a great husband. They had twins and I remember seeing that they’d each have a baby or toddler in their arms. They swap so there was no favouritism. Now they’re eleven and even though my sister is a SAHM, her husband is still very handson and involved when he’s not working.

How old are these "men" you're friends are with, fourteen?

Gaming all day when they have a child to look after, ridiculous. Mum's need to put their foot down and give them a bloody good talking to

They're all being taken for a ride by a part time dad

I’m already drilling into my 4 year old when she is playing babies that she must choose a good partner.

@Thatwentbadly. I hope that you are also saying if her future partner is not good, then it’s not her fault for choosing “badly”?

I’m already drilling into my 4 year old when she is playing babies that she must choose a good partner

You might like to also mention that she doesn't have to have a partner OR children. It's not the only path a woman can take, thank god.

First poster had it: a large minority of men don't want kids, and a clear majority aren't fussed either way. That's why there are no TTC threads on men's forums.

You’ll read endless threads here about the mums at home with the kids while he’s out again doing his “hobby”. It’s pretty depressing. I’m so lucky with my DH who is an amazing hands on dad and loves spending time with the kids... he has time and space to do his own thing at times as do I.

I’ll probably get flamed for this one but I’d never understand how many of them then have more children with the same bloke. If he does sweet FA with one, he’s not going to pull his finger out with the other kids is he? But overall it’s a shitty situation for the mothers and of course the kids.

My husband is into gaming AND he's a good dad- although he has only just recently been able to have time to do much now the children are 6 and 3. He is up with the children now and I'm still in bed and days we're both here the housework and childcare is shared 50-50. I'll go alone to the supermarket this morning and then I'll take the children out for a walk while he cleans and tidies.

There won't be time for him to do any gaming until the children are in bed (unless he plays minecraft with the children which they do some days).

[quote Razpoot]@110APiccadilly Definitely agree, since I'm breastfeeding to it does make the dynamic a lot more mother-focused in the early months. He sounds like a good dad! 2 months is still so young, with so little awake times. Hopefully once she is a bit older, playing with toys etc and happily awake for longer he can get to have some good fun with her. Sometimes my mum takes mine (6 months) for 2 hours or so and then back to me for a feed and she falls asleep, it's a big weight of my shoulders.[/quote]
Why not speak to your OH and give him the responsibility of looking after your DD in the same way that your mother does? If she can take DD for a couple of hours, then your OH can do the same. If, as you say, you have ‘hogged’ her, you’ll need to give him the time to adjust to the fact that this isn’t going to happen anymore.

Having said that, I think that any parent should actively seek time with their children if they are not getting it, as in this situation. He bears the responsibility for that, instead of which he opted to game, rather than spend some time with his DD.
Good luck!

@UseOfWeapons as I said in my first post I'm not with him anymore, he was very abusive

@PlanDeRaccordement

I’m already drilling into my 4 year old when she is playing babies that she must choose a good partner.

@Thatwentbadly. I hope that you are also saying if her future partner is not good, then it’s not her fault for choosing “badly”?

Well she is only 4 so no. But I do think every parent should enough their children to not settle for a partner who does not treat them equally or with respect. I think far too many people, mostly women have been encouraged to settle for less by society. I read Jilly Cooper in my teenage years and looking back at those books I think potentially damaging they can be.

@Thatwentbadly
Well she is only 4 so no. But I do think every parent should enough their children to not settle for a partner who does not treat them equally or with respect. I think far too many people, mostly women have been encouraged to settle for less by society.

But equally, the friends I have that have found themselves in this situation it’s always been a case of a lovely, respectful partner who says they would love children, can’t wait to be a hands on parent, does 50/50 around the house or more, and then.......completely changes once the first baby is born. I see that on threads too here all the time. And what is damaging is often the women blame themselves. They agonise over “red flags I missed” and “I should have known, but my emotions got the better of me” and “it’s my fault, I’ve enabled him by going on maternity leave and doing most of the care from day 1”

So, I agree with you that telling her to choose a good partner is a good thing to say, but if she’s old enough to have that drilled into her at 4, then surely she is also old enough to learn that if she ends up with a bad partner, it’s not her fault. Choosing wisely lowers risk, but is no guarantee. I just don’t want the next generation of girls to end up like these women I see, in that situation with a useless lazy twat AND blaming herself for it!

@GlitterWasp this was so upsetting to read. I'm really sorry you went through that, what a complete and utter arsehole. I have a relative who has a very similar experience, the dad became obsessed with exercise, spent all their money on equipment, would leave for hours and not see the kids. I know it really hurt for her but she's much happier now that he's gone and the kids are happier too, they understand that he wasn't a great father to them

@evouk in their twenties... So definitely got a lot more maturing to do

I think the problem is you don't really know what someone is like until you have had a child with them and it's far more acceptable for a man to opt out of family life.

My baby is EBF and my husband still does his share and more. He does almost all nappy changes, all the burping, shares every bath time with me, plays with him and cuddles him just as much as I do. I’ve never once felt he didn’t pull his weight (sometimes I worry he does more than his fair share and that I should step up!). It’s so sad that so many men don’t step up to the responsibility and do their bit. It’s pathetic and selfish.

Agree with @Fastedbrownie. My DH was very involved and used to have DS for the last feed of the day so I could go to bed early and catch up on some sleep. Sometimes, DS would be crying and I would go and ask if I could do anything but if the answer was no then I would leave him to get in with it. So many in those situations take over and leave the husbands feeling useless.

DH also took shared parental leave and I went back to work. This was a total game changer and has made him a very involved and capable parent.

We mums have to be realistic and be honest about the fact that the babies cry with us too. Why shouldn't Dad have the pain of trying to settle them? It's good for the bond and ultimately the whole family in the end!

I should also say I did breastfeed but DH would give formula for his feeds. That worked well for all of us.

This is going to sound unkind but I do think too many women have a baby far too quickly with a man before really knowing them, you only have to read on here how 'desperate' some women are to have a baby. I think a lot of men really aren't bothered about being a father, they just do it to keep their wife happy without thinking the consequences through.

I don't really know many fathers like the the ones you are describing, in my case we were married over ten years before having a child (by choice) but DH was much keener to have a child than I was and we discussed in great detail - boring but sensible. In those ten years I observed that he was responsible about his work, sharing chores at home, was great with children - volunteered with Scouting, sports coach, looked after his nephews and neices etc, never into 'gaming' etc. It sounds cold and clinical but the result is that he's a great Dad who loves being around his own DC, and in all honestly is probably a far better parent than I am.

And the other point, although though this is always gets called victim blaming on here, is that why do so many women go on to have a second/third child when their DH/DP is such a useless father .

I don’t get the amount of people that day their partners do naff all. How is that attractive? DH and I have been together for 13 years and from the get go it was a very equal partnership. I’m his partner (now wife!) not his mother. I expect him to cook clean and tidy just as much as I do. I work just as hard as he does so it has to be an even split. I find incapability and learned helplessness deeply unattractive. I never went down the route of buying his mother’s birthday cards, doing all his washing if he didn’t do mine sorting his life out. We both had our own hobbies too. It worked for us.

DS arrived this April and can honestly say this has also applied to our parenting. Granted We bottle feed so there isn’t anything I can do that DH can’t. DS will go to both of us settle for both of us. We take it in in turns for the early mornings. DH gets up with him in a morning on weekend so I get a lie in as I do all the nights. It works. I love that DH and DS have a great relationship but I think if we weren’t very equal from the off this would have been hard to foster.

This doesn't represent any of the Dads I know. Off the top of my head yes one is a bit less hands on but that's because he works 10-12 hours a day in order to provide them all with a great life. At weekends he takes over with the DC so their Mum can have a bit of downtime.

Don't any of these Men who 'game all day' have jobs and other responsibilities? Did they actively want the children? Not to judge anyone else's decisions but I could never have kids with someone who didn't really, really want them. I grew up with an absent Dad and want to safeguard my own children against that as much as anyone ever can.