Parental Burnout!

[RLRapunzel]

Im not entirely sure how to word this but I have 2 DDs (DD1 is 2 and DD2 is 3 months) and i am struggling with burnout I think. Every waking moment of my life is spent with a child in my face. The washing pile is ALWAYS huge no matter how much of it I do, there's always dishes in the sink and toys all over the floor. I'm loading and unloading the dishwasher twice a day. As I'm tidying there's destruction manifesting behind me as quickly as I'm clearing it. I'm just soooo TIRED in every way shape and form. Its all tedious day to day things that I really shouldn't be struggling with.

Im extremely introverted; I have no friends because of it. Before meeting my partner I lived alone and wouldn't see another person sometimes for days at a time. Now I get absolutely 0 alone time. I long to be alone for a few hours.

I daydream about breaking up with my partner just so that I have a regular babysitter and can get time to myself. Which is a horrible thing to think. I also struggle with soul destroying jealously at parents who have parents (children's grandparents) that will take their children for the weekend. Another awful way to think.

I've made a thread before and the consensus was that I'm probably depressed (nothing new there I've been struggling on and off with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 13) but honestly I don't think that's what it is, because if I had a couple of days a month without the kids I think I would be in a much more positive place.

So others with preschoolers who don't have anyone willing to babysit how do you get breaks or release from burnout? Or are you struggling as much as I am?

Why doesn’t your partner help?

Yes, why aren’t you getting any breaks?

I live for nap time everyday and 7pm.

I am fortunate to be able to pay for nursery 2 days a week. It is worth the massive expense

for my mental health.

I too am insanely jealous of those with help.

I have also daydreamed about leaving my husband and getting enforced breaks.

Non Covid times I had a gym membership with a Creche attached. Bliss.

I love my kids but I don’t want to be with them endlessly and in my face for hours, days, weeks, months.

The saying, it takes a village to raise a child is very valid.

It's okay. You can do this!
Just remember this will not be this way forever. Take one day at a time.
You've not long had a baby. Now is the time for you to sleep, sleep and you've guessed it, more sleep! (and maybe squeeze in some exercise if you possibly can).
It's exhausting having children so young. Trust me, you will feel way better if you do and if you can, try your best to establish a routine for both children and when the kids sleep, you sleep, until you feel better.
The dishes will get done when they get done. We are in lockdown - so nobody is coming over to judge. So who cares. It's not the priority. xxx

He does help me (with the kids not the house maintenance) in terms of sharing load (nappy changing, putting to bed, getting dressed, feeding ect) and he does take over so I can take a bath or on really bad days take a nap (because I do night feeds and get up at 6am with DD2 everyday) so i guess depending on your definition of a break you could argue that I do get them but its not enough.

I used to go to the gym 3 times a week and put DD in the creche which she loved precovid also. I miss it so much.

'I love my kids but I don’t want to be with them endlessly and in my face for hours, days, weeks, months.' Yes I feel exactly the same.

I think lockdown and isolation is the root of most of my issue thinking about it

I think it’s a mixture of lockdown and having a 3 yr old and a 2 month old. The first stages of having children this age is brutal but it does get better.

Like you I’m introverted and find the constant neediness of my two very hard. The worst is the morning when one wants breakfast and the other wants to crawl around on the floor and open all the kitchen cupboards and it takes forever to be able to eat my own breakfast.

You have quite a hard age gap and your baby is still very young. I get a ‘break’ by working - would that be an option when your youngest is a bit older? I also know some couples where they take it in turns to look after the children alone and the other one goes off for the day and does something fun, could that be a way to get some time to yourself?

Give the older one screen time while the younger one naps.

I get where you’re coming from. I have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old but the 4 yr old is autistic which brings many challenges. She is in preschool in the mornings but I have her sister then. I have had times where I’ve wondered if I’m depressed or is it the situation.

I’ve turned a corner I think. You need more from your partner. Is he working from home?

I get 30 mins in the morning where I shower, dress, do a 5 minute hitt workout, and do journaling l.

At my partner’s lunch break we share the hour. In my half an hour I do a mindfulness meditation and another destress quick thing like a breathing technique or progressive muscle relaxation. Then I read for the time I have left with a cup of tea.

I’ve had about 4 nights full sleep in two years so I’ve started to really prioritise sleep and control what I can. I wear an eye mask. I go to bed early. I don’t drink coffee after midday.

I’m feeling significantly better, like hugely hugely better and much more able to cope with the demands of parenting in a pandemic. I don’t get much time to myself but I make the most of what I do.

All of the things I’ve started to do, are things I’ve picked up from listening to podcasts. Mainly Feel Better, Live More, and reading a couple of books by Dr Rangan Chatterjee (who also does the podcast). So I
Would recommend that op and making sure you maximise the time to yourself you do get.

It passes. You're in the tricky part where everything is tough and you're sleep deprived. It will be easier come warmer weather when you can get out more. Also in about a year when they play together more and more the age gap will be a major positive. Shirt term pain long term gain. We have 15 month gap and the start was so so hard and that was without lockdown. But it passes. Can you go for a run once a week at weekend before your bath just to clear your head?

Your partner should be stepping up a bit more I think, this isn't sustainable.

I don’t think you’re depressed OP I just think such young children are bloody hard work. I say this as a mother who’s been up in the night breastfeeding my 3 month old and my 3 yr old woke at 5.50!
My relief is the times my eldest goes to nursery. Is that not an option, or any family help ?
As for the house work, it needs to be shared if you have preschoolers. If your kids are at school then yes the SAHP should do it but preschoolers are non stop for 12 hrs a day, you can’t be a domestic goddess too.

Thank you for all of your replies just reading them makes me feel a little better

Working, in theory, is an option. But my problems are;
When I was looking for a job when it was just DD the potential employers were completely put off when they found out I had a child. The whole atmosphere changes. I did well in school but I didn't do any further education so my job prospects are just minimum wage low skill jobs, but these jobs want 24 hour a day 7 days a week availability. Finding a job that won't immediately dismiss the idea of hiring me because I have children is very difficult and I would imagine even worse now covid has reduced the number of jobs. The other problem I found was that even though I was working equal hours to my partner, I was still expected to do all the housework and the bulk of the childcare. It was extremely difficult

I will talk to my partner about taking it in turns for one to stay home while the other gets out for a bit. I think this would be a huge help for me. He had an awful childhood with terrible role models without getting too much into it, and he has never had a long term partner before me. So we have had a lot of issues in our relationship that we have had to straighten out over the last 7 years but things are massively improved now. The only thing I can't get through to him about is housework. The house he was raised in was filthy; mess everywhere, dirt everywhere, smells awful, dishes growing mold in the sink ect. The issue isn't so much he refuses to help its more that if there's only dishes in the sink and not spread all over the sides, or if the mess is confided to one corner and not spread over the whole floor then its 'tidy.' He doesn't see mess and dirt the same as I do iyswim because he was raised in filth.

Also, in classic man fashion if I ask more than once I'm accused of 'nagging.' The term 'nagging' should be illegal, nothing enrages me like a man trying to shoulder their responsibilities by making their partner feel guilty for wanting help by accusing them of nagging.

The only family help is my younger sister and while she has the best intentions she's only 17 and uncomfortable with taking care of the baby. She tends to forget things like nappy changes for my older one too. She is happy is occasionally take my older one for a couple of hours or come over and help me with housework or whatever though. She works full time so its whenever she has the time but still helpful. My dad is really great with my kids and I know would love to see them regularly but he works 60 hours a week and has a 4 and a 5 year old of his own. My mother has no interest in my kids, anytime I ask her to see them is apparently a burden so.

Nursery isn't an option at least until my partner goes back to work because of his current reduced wage. He's a chef so I have no idea when it'll be; not for awhile I don't think.

If your partner isn’t working at all at the moment then you can most definitely get a break! Can’t he take them out for a couple of hours?

Wait - so he’s not working and yet you are still doing all the childcare? Totally out of order. Tell him you’re going out for a walk and let him take over for a couple of hours.

He would never take them out on his own. It was only a few months ago he took DD1 out on his own for the first time ever...

I think I will do that. I always feel so guilty if I pop to the shop without the kids or whatever but I shouldn't, he isn't working at all so its not like I'm taking the we're equal parents right its not 1920

@RLRapunzel

He would never take them out on his own. It was only a few months ago he took DD1 out on his own for the first time ever...

I think I will do that. I always feel so guilty if I pop to the shop without the kids or whatever but I shouldn't, he isn't working at all so its not like I'm taking the we're equal parents right its not 1920

I'm sorry, your main problem is that your partner is a dick who doesn't want to do his share.

Oh my goodness. If he isn't working then there is no way you should feel like this. If you aren't breast feeding then he should be doing every other night feeds and getting up early. If you are then he should be giving you opportunities to get naps EVERY day. Sleep deprivation is hell.

He should also be doing 50% of cooking and cleaning.

When I had my first child, my husband was really ill (including having chemo) so was off work but he still did more than you are describing.

My husband didn't have a great childhood either but would never use that as an excuse to not do better. (I don't mean this to sound sanctimonious by the way, he has his faults of course, as do we all!)

Do NOT settle for this for the next 18 years. You deserve better.

I think your problem is largely to do with your partner too. My DH also had a really tricky upbringing and finds it hard to see mess, but we have made a deal that twice a day one of us clears up the kitchen including unstacking and restacking the dishwasher, cleaning surfaces, emptying bins and sweeping the floors. That person can listen to the radio or a podcast while they do it. The other person gets the kids dressed and brushes their teeth (maybe reads them a story) or does bathtime/bedtime. TBH doing the kitchen is definitely easier! DH also takes the kids out for at least 40 minutes every day while we are in lockdown. Often it’s for longer. That gives me time by myself to breathe and also sort laundry or do admin. If I don’t get that time I get really grumpy!

We also both have a sacrosanct exercise hour every week (I do Pilates on zoom). The rule is unless the children need to go to a&e or are uncontrollably vomiting or something, the partner not exercising has to deal with whatever problems arise.

I think you need to be really clear about your expectations for your partner. Do you have a double buggy? That might make him feel more confident taking them out. Obviously it’s great if your eldest can run around but the main aim is to let them have fresh air and to give you a child-free break.

My DH works full time and I’m a sahm. We have no family to help us. My kids are 3 and 5 now so past the newborn days thankfully

Firstly newborn and toddler is extremely hard work!! Even without a pandemic.

Your DH needs to do more. If he won’t do housework then he should take the kids. My DH doesn’t do much housework really, but he gets up with the kids most days, takes them after dinner, takes them to the park on weekends and did night feeds and things when they were babies. After a day at home I’d rather clean the kitchen than spend any more time with my kids so it works for us.

When my DD was a baby, DH did a lot of the toddlers care. So getting him up and fed and dressed on a morning so I could sleep in until he went to work, and then he did bath and bedtime for him the majority of nights. I did the majority of the night feeds as I function better at night and also mostly bf, but he’d give a bottle around 10/11pm so I could go to bed early

If your DH isn’t working then you need to carve up the day and make sure he takes his turn too

I’m reading your updates and DH needs to pull his weight. Exactly what is he doing if he’s not doing, not looking after the kids and not doing the housework?

For contrast I’m a sahm with a 4.5 yr old and a toddler. I do bast majority of nights as bf but DH will try and resettle the youngest if she wakes early. DH does an hours of home schooling/playing with the oldest while I do nap gone during the week. He does bath time every night and we split the kids for bedtime. He finishes off cleaning the kitchen and does any other house jobs I tell him need finishing.

Erm well he's sitting on his phone playing games all day and chain smoking

It doesn’t sound like he adds much positive to your life.

Any chance your two year old can go to nursery? Even just two mornings a week might help.

He needs to either shape up (maybe go to couples therapy so it is a neutral outsider telling both of you what to do, instead of you telling him) or gtfo

Jesus. You found that shit attractive enough to get pregnant again by him? That’s not in any way acceptable, plus, his smoking will be putting the infant at risk of SIDS, even if he does it outdoors. Your boyfriend is the problem.