Parental Burnout!

[RLRapunzel]

Im not entirely sure how to word this but I have 2 DDs (DD1 is 2 and DD2 is 3 months) and i am struggling with burnout I think. Every waking moment of my life is spent with a child in my face. The washing pile is ALWAYS huge no matter how much of it I do, there's always dishes in the sink and toys all over the floor. I'm loading and unloading the dishwasher twice a day. As I'm tidying there's destruction manifesting behind me as quickly as I'm clearing it. I'm just soooo TIRED in every way shape and form. Its all tedious day to day things that I really shouldn't be struggling with.

Im extremely introverted; I have no friends because of it. Before meeting my partner I lived alone and wouldn't see another person sometimes for days at a time. Now I get absolutely 0 alone time. I long to be alone for a few hours.

I daydream about breaking up with my partner just so that I have a regular babysitter and can get time to myself. Which is a horrible thing to think. I also struggle with soul destroying jealously at parents who have parents (children's grandparents) that will take their children for the weekend. Another awful way to think.

I've made a thread before and the consensus was that I'm probably depressed (nothing new there I've been struggling on and off with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 13) but honestly I don't think that's what it is, because if I had a couple of days a month without the kids I think I would be in a much more positive place.

So others with preschoolers who don't have anyone willing to babysit how do you get breaks or release from burnout? Or are you struggling as much as I am?

Okay I don't want to sidetrack the thread too much but maybe some context would be helpful

When we met my partner helped me escape domestic violence and hid me from my abuser and helped me piece my life back together. Yes, I wish he would quit smoking and he does play on his phone too much but I probably wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for him. The problems in our relationship just don't seem like make or breaks in comparison to being physically attacked and locked in a room for the weekend.

But back to the topic at hand; yesterday I spoke to him about watching the kids while I go for a run and he said it was fine and I did go (although I walked ) and it definitely made me feel better. I also told him I want to take naps more regularly because having more sleep helps me keep in the right frame of mind. I don't mind doing all the night feeds and getting up in the morning tbh but I need the catch up; he was fine with that too. I am always reluctant to ask for things like this because I feel guilty. I think lack of communication of my needs is also to blame.