Fussy eating - why does it push our buttons?

[Feelbetterfamilies]

If you have a fussy eater, how does it make you feel and what is it that gets to you the most about fussy eating? (Or are you completely Zen about it?!)

For me, I feel personally rejected when someone rejects food I have made. This is MY issue and not the fussy eater's problem. To avoid rejection, I try very hard not to offer a fussy eater anything they can "fuss about". I appreciate this probably exacerbates their fussy eating habits. I really wish I could be more "zen" about it. I should try to adjust my broken thinking and not adjust my life to theirs.

Because our parents made their issues around us eating our issues
.. As did their parents.. Stemming from the war and living off rations.

Its an awful toxic cycle we're all stuck from a time we lived in fear for our lives and where the food was coming from ... Makes you wonder what awful cycles we're starting now.. Probably something to do with kids being resilient :/

I haven't got a fussy eater. But on the very rare occasions part of the meal is left untouched I then worry about nutrition. Fussy eaters tend to eat bland unhealthy food. That's the only time it would bother me. I can't stand watching other children only eat nuggets or chips for example as it makes me worry for their health

For me (with dd) it’s just because i know she isn’t getting a wide range of nutrients I.e. the only veg she’ll eat is cucumber and carrots and the only meat is chicken. Also ds18 won’t eat pasta/potatoes and I get worried he’s not getting enough carbs (he’s 6”3”) he lost a lot of weight last year and has been a bit funny about his diet since.

So for, it’s just worrying about nutrition.

*so for me

I think we're programmed to nourish our children and so when they turn that down it presses instinctive buttons beyond our control.

My DS is fussy but has some favourites; chicken tikka and rice, sausages, rice, couscous and cucumber!

He is 5 now and is starting to try more things. As long as he is eating as varied as we can make it then I am happy

I was very lucky in that I had twins; one of whom was a very fussy eater and one of whom was an amazing eater.
I fed them both exactly the same food at exactly the same time in exactly the same way.
Right from weaning they followed the same pattern. I was able to see it was nothing I was doing wrong and there was nothing I could do to change it - it was just how they were.
I think some children just have very sensitive taste buds (supertasters) and others don't so aren't fussy.

www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/body/articles/senses/supertaster.shtml

It affects us deeply as parents as at a very primitive level we want our child to eat in order to survive.

The main frustration for me is the time wasted cooking things that then get thrown in the bin 20 minutes later. Hate the food waste too. AND always having to go to the same couple of places for a dinner out due to such limited likes from the kids.

It's SO annoying when they won't even try things, or suddenly decide they 'don't like' something they loved the day before. Don't get me wrong, I know everyone has likes and dislikes and that's fine, but not every little thing, or something not being cooked exactly the way they like it - eg a roast potato being slightly browner than usual!

I worry about her being hungry, but I realise that is me projecting anxieties. I agree it's also cultural and food (and the eating of it) was a huge thing in my childhood.

@MadamMadness

For me, I feel personally rejected when someone rejects food I have made. This is MY issue and not the fussy eater's problem. To avoid rejection, I try very hard not to offer a fussy eater anything they can "fuss about". I appreciate this probably exacerbates their fussy eating habits. I really wish I could be more "zen" about it. I should try to adjust my broken thinking and not adjust my life to theirs.

Thank you for this - it's very honest and self-reflective of you. Good luck with making any changes you want to make.

@OwlWearingGlasses

I was very lucky in that I had twins; one of whom was a very fussy eater and one of whom was an amazing eater. I fed them both exactly the same food at exactly the same time in exactly the same way. Right from weaning they followed the same pattern. I was able to see it was nothing I was doing wrong and there was nothing I could do to change it - it was just how they were. I think some children just have very sensitive taste buds (supertasters) and others don't so aren't fussy.

www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/body/articles/senses/supertaster.shtml

It affects us deeply as parents as at a very primitive level we want our child to eat in order to survive.

Wow, that must have been hard - but like you say, at the same time reassuring to some extent. Are they still very different in their eating habits now? And thank you for sharing that research too. It's so true that food doesn't taste the same to all of us.

@Bibidy

The main frustration for me is the time wasted cooking things that then get thrown in the bin 20 minutes later. Hate the food waste too. AND always having to go to the same couple of places for a dinner out due to such limited likes from the kids.

It's SO annoying when they won't even try things, or suddenly decide they 'don't like' something they loved the day before. Don't get me wrong, I know everyone has likes and dislikes and that's fine, but not every little thing, or something not being cooked exactly the way they like it - eg a roast potato being slightly browner than usual!

Thanks for sharing that - I think you've expressed what a lot of people feel and experience, especially when fussy eating has been going on for a while.

I'm pretty zen about it most of the time.
I was a very fussy eater as a child and teen but now I eat practically everything, eat healthily, am a healthy weight and no health issues (in my mid 30s).
From my own personal experience and what I have learned about nutrition I don't believe it's a big problem if children don't always eat a well balanced diet. It's certainly not worth getting stressed and upset about and upsetting your child over.
I do think there's a difference between proper fussy eating which is consistent and annoying stubborn children (DS2 I'm looking at you) who basically like everything but stubbornly change their mind every day about whether they'll eat it or not just to assert their independence. They need different strategies.

God, loads of reasons, I challenge any parent to be truly zen about it! I think the foremost 'button' is any parent's natural instinct to nourish and feed their child which after all is the main thing you need to do to keep them alive, most people's no 1 parenting goal! When you know they haven't eaten properly for hours/days and they still won't eat no matter what you do, it's horrible. Worse when they are ill/tired/constipated and the not eating is making things worse but they worse they feel the less they'll eat and so on and so on. It also plays into the fear of being judged that most parents have to some extent, if your best friend/MIL/MN knew that you've been feeding your toddler on nothing but nuggets and plain bread for weeks on end, or conversely they've eaten nothing at all because you refuse to feed them nuggets and bread, you feel like they'd be calling SS on you which is not a nice thing!

Then as others have said there's the feeling of rejection when you've put a lot of effort and love into preparing nice meals that should please the child, and they wail and scream as though you've presented them a plate of slugs or gruel, that really jangles your last nerve! This is particularly bad if you have a 'capricious' fusser, one that will eat something one day with relish and ask for more and then howl and reject it the next day with no discernible pattern . I think this is partially a power struggle, the slow melancholy process of letting go that starts the day they leave the womb, the steps towards them being more and more autonomous and asserting control over their own lives, it starts with them preferring chips and beans over your lovingly-made casserole and ends with them walking up the aisle to marry that boyfriend/girlfriend you always hated, in both instances you really quite want to firmly correct them (!) but probably best to keep your mouth shut and play along with their ideas

Then of course there's the practical annoyance of your food and time budget not allowing for them to dictate their own menu 5 times a day (and change their minds in between, and then still call what you give them disgusting!) as if your house was a cafe, and having to spend yet more time and effort storing, binning eating their rejects when you have better things to do.

Basically toddlers and small children are mini despots and exactly as terrifying/sanity sapping to live under, there is no pleasing them sometimes no matter what you do. You couldn't pay me to go back to that stage I'm afraid!

@1940s

I haven't got a fussy eater. But on the very rare occasions part of the meal is left untouched I then worry about nutrition. Fussy eaters tend to eat bland unhealthy food. That's the only time it would bother me. I can't stand watching other children only eat nuggets or chips for example as it makes me worry for their health

Nutrition worries is another common concern for a lot of parents, especially because we all know what our children "should" be eating to a far greater extent than ever before.

The thing helped me feel better about it was to think long-term.

No one meal matters, no one day matters.

It's cumulative and it's habit building not win / lose at anyone moment.

I found myself totally fed up of fairly bland and familiar meals though and the daily providing of them. It gets old!

Maxelly very good post.

I think some of it comes from baby days when you are so desperate for them to sleep and you think that if they haven’t had a decent meal they will be waking up hungry
Also embarrassment and feeling you’ve failed.
Disappointment that they don’t share the same pleasures as you
Frustration that you’ve spent time preparing something that will be wasted
Worry about nutrition and health.

@beautifulmonument

I'm pretty zen about it most of the time. I was a very fussy eater as a child and teen but now I eat practically everything, eat healthily, am a healthy weight and no health issues (in my mid 30s). From my own personal experience and what I have learned about nutrition I don't believe it's a big problem if children don't always eat a well balanced diet. It's certainly not worth getting stressed and upset about and upsetting your child over. I do think there's a difference between proper fussy eating which is consistent and annoying stubborn children (DS2 I'm looking at you) who basically like everything but stubbornly change their mind every day about whether they'll eat it or not just to assert their independence. They need different strategies.

Thank you for sharing that - it sounds like your own experience of coming through fussy eating has had a positive impact on the perspective you have with your own children - which is great to hear (and reassuring for others too). And I think it's so true what you say about different strategies working for different children depending on what it is that's at the root of their behaviour when it comes to food. Can I ask whether your decision not to get stressed about it is something you've come to because of your own parents' reaction to your own fussy eating as a child?

@Crashnburn

I think some of it comes from baby days when you are so desperate for them to sleep and you think that if they haven’t had a decent meal they will be waking up hungry Also embarrassment and feeling you’ve failed. Disappointment that they don’t share the same pleasures as you Frustration that you’ve spent time preparing something that will be wasted Worry about nutrition and health.

Both of mine were born on the 9th centile, so I was under pressure to 'fatten them up' - hard for a first time mum whose dd fell asleep every time she was fed (and who wouldn't sleep anytime she wasn't being fed)! So I can definitely relate to the impact that baby days has on a very personal level. Thank you for sharing it all - it really does cut through to so many of our deep instincts and anxieties as well as the irritations from the more practical side of things.

I can't get worked up about it. Mine used to eat everything and then literally overnight one day just stopped (currently being assessed for ASD). He has about 10-12 foods he will eat, they are all beige, bland and predictable, plus fruit. As far as I'm concerned, he gets all major food groups, even if that is in the form of yogurts, cheese, fish fingers, turkey dinosaurs, waffles and toast. He gets offered what we're eating each night so if he fancies trying something he can. He doesn't though. Ever. He has a multivit with iron every day and has no digestive issues. I won't allow mealtimes to become a battleground.

@LetItGoGo

The thing helped me feel better about it was to think long-term.

No one meal matters, no one day matters.

It's cumulative and it's habit building not win / lose at anyone moment.

I found myself totally fed up of fairly bland and familiar meals though and the daily providing of them. It gets old!

Maxelly very good post.

Lovely advice - thank you. Yes, as with so much of being a parent, not losing perspective is key!

I have a very fussy toddler, she has sensory processing disorder and potential autism. I used to get so frustrated that she doesn't want what I offer. It's taken me months to realise that as an adult without any developmental issues I don't always fancy a main meal, or sometimes I just want to eat crap. Why can't out children have those days too? Once you start to shift your mindset and remember they're just tiny versions of us, it becomes easier to let go.

For me, I think there's two main things you need to make sure your children are doing. Eating, and sleeping. If your children are fed, and get to bed safely, you're doing a reasonable job.

I also find it exhausting sometimes to do everything I need to do (full time WFH, take care of the house, various errands for family etc) and still come up with a decent meal for us all each night. So when someone pipes up that they're not eating what I've cooked, it's irritating, and yes, it pushes my buttons. I don't purposefully cook things that I know people don't like - but they'll suddenly decide they don't like pasta, for example, after it being a really easy and happily accepted go-to meal for several years previously.

I have issues with anxiety and depression though, so daily tasks sometimes overwhelm me anyway. It'd be a whole lot easier if people just ate what I made!

It’s frustration as effort spent making the food is wasted and also because we understand the need for a balanced and healthy diet. Also I make the effort to eat food I don’t like for the sake of my health.

I’ve got one that’s ok with food and one that goes through ridiculously fussy phrases- I try to not respond and just give the 2 food he’ll eat that week