Fussy eating - why does it push our buttons?

[Feelbetterfamilies]

If you have a fussy eater, how does it make you feel and what is it that gets to you the most about fussy eating? (Or are you completely Zen about it?!)

I think what gets to me most with my fussy DD is that she is so averse to trying anything new in case she doesn't like it, and won't try it properly (i.e. takes the tiniest micro nibble, instantly says she hates it and spits it out) whereas if she would just eat it a few times, even reluctantly, she'd find more things she likes.

However I am quite accepting - I usually make two meals, one for her and one for me and DS, because I've learned there is no way she will eat something she doesn't like, ever - no consequence or bribery or anything has ever worked, I think she would literally rather starve - and slowly, bit by bit, she does widen what she'll eat. She will suddenly decide to try something without me pushing it, and add it to her diet.

One reason I accept it is because the things she likes and doesn't like are very specific and not particularly aligned with junk or pudding etc. She hates almost all sweet drinks and puddings, all fruit, but likes certain vegetables - so I know she's not trying to just get out of healthy eating. She just genuinely dislikes most food.

I just try to make sure, within what she likes, that she gets enough of a range of nutrients. Things that might be seen as junk, like pizza and hot dogs, are a triumph for me when she starts liking them because that means she'll get some tomatoes or protein.

She does have some ASD-like traits and that's another reason not to push it. She's very similar with clothes. We make more progress if she can change at her own pace.

It's been around 18 months of fussiness for us so I'm basically resigned to it now. The one thing I do find frustrating is going from a child eating pretty much everything to a limited menu in a short space of time. I'm lucky that she's towards the top end for both height & weight and very active so not concerned really though it would be nice if she would occasionally try something new.

I think the stress for me was because being feeding your child feels like the most basic level of parenting and I wasn't able to do it. I felt like a failure.
I have four DC all have had fussy stages, though some more limited than others.

DH and I had completely different experiences with food as children.
His family were strict, they often would get in from school and go straight to bed when they smelled what was for dinner to avoid conflict.
I was never punished or made to eat anything I didn't want to but there was a lot of cajoling to try things or have just one more bite.
This caused issue with DC1 and meal times became a battle between the three of us.

When DC2 was born I was determined not to make the same mistakes, I read a lot around the subject and there was a programme at the time called house of tiny tearaways which was really informative.

The best bit of advice I had was that as a parent it's my job to provide a healthy varied diet, as a child it's their job to eat it. This helped with the feelings I had about failing. I wasn't failing, I was providing healthy food.
It also helped DH with his feelings about control he couldn't control whether the DC did their 'job' or not.

This changed our mealtimes completely. Our only rules were to sit at the table and not to say anything negative about the food. It did take some resolve to completely ignore what was or wasn't being eaten. We changed to letting our children help themselves to help with waste.
Grandparents seemed to struggle with it, they couldn't seem to resist passing comment, cajoling, bribing, etc.
We weathered the storm through and now have four brilliant eaters who will try most new foods they come across.

The waste of money when you cannot afford to waste money is annoying.

"Can I ask whether your decision not to get stressed about it is something you've come to because of your own parents' reaction to your own fussy eating as a child?"

My parents were pretty accommodating.
My mum doesn't have a good relationship with food. She eats emotionally and struggles with her weight. She thinks that being forced to eat things she didn't like as a child contributed to her poor eating habits as an adult so she was always very conscious of not forcing her own children to eat if we were not hungry or if it was something we didn't like.
My dad is a GP and regularly has parents ask him about their children's fussy eating and nutrition. He tells them that one of his children are nothing but potatoes for 15 years and turned out absolutely fine!

@beautifulmonument

"Can I ask whether your decision not to get stressed about it is something you've come to because of your own parents' reaction to your own fussy eating as a child?"

My parents were pretty accommodating.
My mum doesn't have a good relationship with food. She eats emotionally and struggles with her weight. She thinks that being forced to eat things she didn't like as a child contributed to her poor eating habits as an adult so she was always very conscious of not forcing her own children to eat if we were not hungry or if it was something we didn't like.
My dad is a GP and regularly has parents ask him about their children's fussy eating and nutrition. He tells them that one of his children are nothing but potatoes for 15 years and turned out absolutely fine!

Thanks for elaborating. It sounds like your mum did a good thing there - and no doubt it was all the harder for her given her own struggles. I agree that learning to trust our own fullness and hunger is so important. I imagine it's a really hard one for GPs - I feel for them. I'm not sure there are many options for GPs to refer onwards, and at the same time, I doubt it's an area many (any??) are trained in. They must often be left feeling as though there's not a lot they can do to help in this area.

@Kottbullar

I think the stress for me was because being feeding your child feels like the most basic level of parenting and I wasn't able to do it. I felt like a failure. I have four DC all have had fussy stages, though some more limited than others.

DH and I had completely different experiences with food as children.
His family were strict, they often would get in from school and go straight to bed when they smelled what was for dinner to avoid conflict.
I was never punished or made to eat anything I didn't want to but there was a lot of cajoling to try things or have just one more bite.
This caused issue with DC1 and meal times became a battle between the three of us.

When DC2 was born I was determined not to make the same mistakes, I read a lot around the subject and there was a programme at the time called house of tiny tearaways which was really informative.

The best bit of advice I had was that as a parent it's my job to provide a healthy varied diet, as a child it's their job to eat it. This helped with the feelings I had about failing. I wasn't failing, I was providing healthy food.
It also helped DH with his feelings about control he couldn't control whether the DC did their 'job' or not.

This changed our mealtimes completely. Our only rules were to sit at the table and not to say anything negative about the food. It did take some resolve to completely ignore what was or wasn't being eaten. We changed to letting our children help themselves to help with waste.
Grandparents seemed to struggle with it, they couldn't seem to resist passing comment, cajoling, bribing, etc.
We weathered the storm through and now have four brilliant eaters who will try most new foods they come across.

Thank you for sharing that - great to hear a happy ending - and really helpful to know how you got there.

It's been a pain to find anything for DC to eat sometimes if away from home. We bought what seemed like their usual foods in other countries & they wouldn't touch them. Or we had to scour a menu, or think carefully what restaurant to go to, or make a special shop to get something suitable.

Other parents complained to me that DS didn't eat what he was given on a playdate; I wasn't upset at all if DS ate nothing, but the other parent seemed quite put out.

I wanted them to eat a range of veg & fruit not junk food. So had to strictly limit access to junk. Variety of veg for the fussiest one, that took years of coaxing to achieve (he was like 8 finally). He's hugely better now but still fairly restrictive.

On the positive side, what they liked was cheap, easy to prepare & predictable when at home (could use usual supermarkets). I never felt offended if they dislike what I eat ; I don't offer stuff they won't like.

I do have a special trigger button... MNers who post "My child eats nothing!" and then they give very long list of wide variety of foods the child eats that includes no junk food.  When pressed, they mention a long list of junk food and some drinks, too, that child will also consume. These people don't know what it is to have a truly fussy eater.  They are moaning about <span class="italic">nothing</span>.  I am trying to learn to not give a toss & hit 'HIDE' quickly.

@HerselfIndoors - yes, for some children it takes a long time and can be quite scary for them. Thanks for sharing that.

@lljkk

It's been a pain to find anything for DC to eat sometimes if away from home. We bought what seemed like their usual foods in other countries & they wouldn't touch them. Or we had to scour a menu, or think carefully what restaurant to go to, or make a special shop to get something suitable.

Other parents complained to me that DS didn't eat what he was given on a playdate; I wasn't upset at all if DS ate nothing, but the other parent seemed quite put out.

I wanted them to eat a range of veg & fruit not junk food. So had to strictly limit access to junk. Variety of veg for the fussiest one, that took years of coaxing to achieve (he was like 8 finally). He's hugely better now but still fairly restrictive.

On the positive side, what they liked was cheap, easy to prepare & predictable when at home (could use usual supermarkets). I never felt offended if they dislike what I eat ; I don't offer stuff they won't like.

I do have a special trigger button... MNers who post "My child eats nothing!" and then they give very long list of wide variety of foods the child eats that includes no junk food.  When pressed, they mention a long list of junk food and some drinks, too, that child will also consume. These people don't know what it is to have a truly fussy eater.  They are moaning about <span class="italic">nothing</span>.  I am trying to learn to not give a toss & hit 'HIDE' quickly.</div></div>
This, so much this >.<

DS14 has ARFID, he's Autistic and eating has been a battle since he self weaned at 11months and refused to touch milk unless it was on cereal thereafter.

He has the same 2 meals for breakfast, 1 meal for lunch and about 4 or 5 acceptable 'main meals' which i can eke out to maybe 8 if i mix/match the foods.

He doesn't eat fruit or Dairy, unless its cooked cheese on the pasta dishes he'll eat, or milk on his breakfast cereal, he doesn't eat veg, so i have to blitz/hide it in pasta sauce.

He only drinks water.

The best piece of advice i got from the GP when i was pulling my hair out during a phase where he would only eat if it was 'stolen' from my own plate of food, was it doesn't matter WHAT they eat, so long as they're eating. its Fuel thats important.