Husband seems uninterested in our 9week baby

[Missworry92]

Hi ladies,

I feel that my husband is not interested about our baby who is 9weeks old. He doesn't do much with him, occasionally plays with him a little bit or takes him for a cuddle for a few minutes but that is it.
My husband normally works 6days a week and I get that he gets tired but surely he must know that I'm exhausted, I say it all the time. He is currently on furlough and will be for another 10days or so but he does not wake up during the night to help with the feeds. In fact he doesn't feed him..he did few times in his first weeks but now everything is left on me. I express my milk and he knows that there's plenty of milk in the fridge which just needs to be warmed up. I've said loads of times that I'm dreaming of a night when I will be able to rest fully and just sleep all the night through... I've told him that he seems uninterested and that he doesn't help me.. so the day after he did try a little bit more, he changed his nappy once, helped to bath him and played with him for maybe an hour. The next day, all forgotten and back to nothing.. he says he is always anxious about money etc with work but surely he can't just let me do everything. Also just to mention that he does cook dinner more often now that he's on furlough but that's it. Do you guys think thats normal? Do your husbands help you a lot? During the night I take my boy with his moses basket downstairs to our living room where I feed him, get him to sleep and pump before coming back upstairs with the baby in his basket and me back in the bed, the dad sleeps through and is hardly interrupted during the night. Let me know what you think girls please. My anger is just getting bigger towards him.

Sorry to hear this and congrats on the birth of your baby

Is this your first baby? Is it his first?

My oh wasn't great with newborn either. Because I breastfed, I think he felt redundant and useless. He got better with time and when we introduced formula deeds. I think men do tend to sleep through the sound of crying better than women.

Sounds like yours needs a big kick up the ass. Make a deal with him that you need to alternate nights on and off dealing with baby.
Especially if he is on furlough. Make sure he knows what he is doing and that he is confident in doing a feed and handling the baby etc

It may help for you to go out alone for a walk and give him time alone with baby where he has to be the main carer for a couple of hours

It's not okay and you need to be more direct with your husband. When he's not working there's no reason why he can't do 50%.

Try to address it now before you become the default parent for the rest of your son's life!

Hi OP,

My fiancée was pretty similar when our son was that age! I think a lot of men take a bit more time to bond with their babies than we do. They love them dearly, but at 9 weeks they can't do much interacting. My son is now 6.5 months and over the past couple of months my partner has become so much more involved as ds actually gives something back to him now! They play all the time and he's always happy to help.

We are similar to you in that he works 6 days a week and long hours, he leaves the house at about 4:30am and gets in about 6pm so he is tired too. Try and hold on and know that it should get better when baby starts interacting more!

P.s my partner doesn't help in the night still, but no way should you be having to go downstairs in the night. Feed that baby in bed!! If that wakes your partner then that's not your problem lovely. It's unfair to do it all AND to go downstairs.

When my partner comes home now I make a big fuss with ds and he gets so excited to see him, so really my partner has no choice but to take him for a bit 😂 working long hours is hard but being a Mumma is just as hard if not harder!

It will get better 💐

If he's not working I would expect him to be doing 50% of the parenting! It might be a confidence thing, he might just see you being a total natural and think you are happy to be picking up all the slack.

Maybe you can be more explicit with how you expect him to help. So mornings he takes baby and does first bottle and first nap, then you take over from 10am or whatever. Then it's his turn again after lunch. Do you think that would help?

For me, asking my DP to 'help more' didn't have much impact, because it wasn't structured. I also didn't want to be 'asking' him to change a nappy or wind the baby etc as if it was a favour to me. He should just do it without being told! So while I do nights, he's on duty from 5am onwards til he he starts work. If the baby wakes after 5am, it's his responsibility and I don't have to delegate to him. It works for us, and has stopped my resentment towards him and his useless nipples boiling over!

I think you need to agree a clear division of labour e.g. 'tonight can you do all feeds/feeds before 2am', 'today can you do morning shift with baby'. You shouldn't have to ask but hints often don't work!

It's tricky when men don't feel their life needs to change. You are pretty much working 24 hours. It is fair enough to expect him to step up when working and especially when furloughed.

Why doesn’t he want a proper relationship with his son? They change constantly when they’re so small, it’s amazing.

He should be doing half of everything and he should definitely be getting up at night so you each get an equal chance to rest.

I bf and did all nights but DH changed and dressed her, took her in the bath or shower with him, took her for walks in the sling, played with her and chatted to her. She’s his daughter, he wanted to know everything about her and know how to care for her and soothe and entertain her.

Yours needs a major kick up the arse. He’s not working, this is bonus time to bond with his child and he shouldn’t be leaving you exhausted and not bothering with your son.

I'm not making excuses here so please don't think I am but could it be that he is so used to you doing everything he just stays out of the way? I know it's not easy due to covid but could you perhaps go for a walk for an hour or something and just leave him to it? I know my DH felt like he had to do everything my way when in fact baby knows he's not me and they needed to build their own relationship. He was much happier and confident after a few times without me there interfering.

If it's not that and he is just lazy, keep talking now otherwise the resentment will creep in. He should be doing more. It does get easier as they interact more but they should be building a relationship now.

Wow so you do everything and he's just sat around currently. Not ok!

Also why are you going downstairs to feed baby, you must be knackered. Carrying baby up and down stairs in a moses basket isn't safe for an awake person let alone in the middle of the night. Get a next to me cot and feed in bed. Dh can then put baby back to sleep once you've fed him. You don't need to do everything!

My baby is 9 weeks also and as a comparison my partner helps during the night, he changes her, baths her, holds her for me whilst I need a shower etc. Your partner is not pulling his weight at a all. Is he struggling to bond with the baby or is he just lazy/thinks it's women's work? I'd sit him down and tell him that you need more support. I accept that as being the one on mat leave the baby is more my job and my partner still works full time but he wants a relationship with his daughter so he plays an active role when he can. I'm shocked your partner is off work and still won't chip in. Could he be feeling over whelmed with the change a baby brings? Inthink you need a good chat with h xx

My husband wasn't overly interested in our DD until she started laughing at around 3-4 months. He described having a newborn as having a very demanding house plant .... It doesn't do anything but any change in feeding/environment will make it upset 😂
However he did help because he could see that I was exhausted and I wouldn't have tolerated him being around if he hadn't helped.
At 9 weeks DD was very colicky, she screamed 4-9pm every day. When dh got home from work
at 6pm he would be handed screaming DD straight away so I could have an hr to do whatever needed doing. He didn't dare to complain.

That's awful, I feel for you op. My DP is very actively involved in looking after our DD. On the weekend (when he isn't working) he always does the night shift, he offered this. Even on his work days in the evening he will normally do everything with DD for a couple of hours while I make dinner, do housework and have a bath. A few times i have thanked him when he took her, he always says you don't need to thank me she is my baby too. She is our first baby. I can't believe that your OH isn't voluntarily being more involved 🙄 it's so hard during the first few weeks as well. Please be honest with him about how you feel and what you need him to do. Also, could you ask him to be in charge for an afternoon for example to have a break, maybe this will open his eyes as to how much hard work it really is!

I wouldn't be happy with that, no.

It's all very well saying that small babies aren't that interesting for fathers, but it's not like they're that interesting for mothers either! Women just get on with it because they have to.

We split parental leave 50/50 and always split the nights, regardless of who was working. It's really fucking hard and you need to be a team. Anything less from my husband would have killed our relationship for me.

I d be very annoyed if my husband was acting in that way.

We split the nights regardless of if he's working or not, DH recognises it's not particularly safe health wise or for baby if I don't get solid sleep when possible.
He feels bad that with working full time that I have our baby much more of the day and continually says he couldn't do what I do.

Honestly I d be very clearly telling your husband he needs to step up and do X Y Z and remind him that as you pump milk he has no excuse not to do some feeds with baby and that by giving you a break he ll learn his own ways to play with and comfort baby.

Him not bonding with newborn yet = normal

Him not doing 50% of the work anyway = unacceptable

Have a talk when you're feeling calm and be specific about the tasks you think would be fair to share with him. Negotiate from there.

Eg he could do all nappy changes and bath times, you do all feeding and night waking. You share laundry, shopping & cooking by taking turns.

It's not helping. It's his baby, his house, his dinner, it's his responsibility as well as yours.

No, I wouldn't be happy at all - he's on furlough, he has no excuse for not doing his share. I get that babies are dull (I've got a 9 week old too), they don't do much but there's plenty that needs doing - changing, feeding, endless washing.... My DH is WFH full time, when he finishes work he either takes over with the baby care or makes dinner for us. We've got a 3yo too so we take it in turns to do her bath & bedtime. Weekends are 50/50 - I did the early start this morning with both kids while DH had a lie in, now he's currently cleaning the bathroom with the toddler "helping" and I'm sat on the sofa with DD2 asleep watching TV.

Can you ask him to make a particular baby task his thing he does every single day? Bathtime worked well for us. You could tell him you desperately need more sleep, so you want to try a routine where you go and have a nap immediately after dinner whilst he gives baby a bath followed by a bottle of expressed milk and hopefully she goes to sleep after the milk. Then you get a chunk of sleep before dealing with the night wakings and he gets a perfect opportunity to bond with her. Lots of babies love baths so hopefully he starts to enjoy doing that for her fairly quickly.

My husband did nothing really but I breast fed so there wasn’t much he could do at night. And he was at work so I didn’t expect him to help. However given he’s off work and you’re pumping, there is no reason for him not to help. I’d ask for specific help if you want him to get involved. Like teach him how to re heat the milk, burp him etc. He may be nervous.

Can i ask OP...
Was the baby a planned thing or a happy accident?
He mentions worrying about money - was this something you discussed before the baby?
How good was he at doing his equal share around the house before this?
Did he do any research into babies or have any siblings?
Did you discussion division of labour before the baby arrived?
Just trying to get an idea of whether he's just not getting how much there is to do or how involved he should be because you didnt have those discussions and he might have had traditional example at home where his mum did everything or something and he's just not bothered to think about it too much etc which would be very sad for you.

Did you have a conversation about how you would approach parenting before the Aby was born? If so what were his thoughts? It sounds like he thinks you're the default parent.

Unfortunately way too many men seem to think they can have children and live life as they did before but with a kid in tow when it suits. I think you need to address this ASAP as it sounds like you're on different pages around expectations. This is only going to create a devision in future.

Thank you ladies...
My husband took the baby this morning just before 9am and let me have a lie in which was amazing and he hasn't done that before, I am hoping that he's starting to understand! I've thanked him a few times this morning too to hint that I need more of that. He also took him for a walk this lunch time so I could clean the house. This is our first baby and my husband is quite old fashioned thinking some jobs are for men and others are for women..
My husband is very fiery and he gets angry quickly and I think I'm just worried to bring it up too much as we will be arguing. He thinks that I'm giving the baby too much attention as I respond to his every cry quite quickly and he always says that I should just leave him cry etc and we end up arguing...
I was trying to conceive for a long time, about two years and he remembers me saying "I want to have a baby" and now just throws it in my face. My husband is 11years older than me and I think he is just set in his ways as this is his first baby too.
Thank you for all of your replies ladies @LikeTheOceansWeRise @BendingSpoons @Quail15 @handsandfeet @Ticklemynickel @AnneLovesGilbert @user159

Could you make some of the baby's routine his responsibility? For example can he always do baths (mon-friday) and then do a feed afterwards? It would give you a break everyday and if it becomes part of the routine its easier. This can then extend to bedtime stories and things later on.

@TDMN @Plussizejumpsuit @MrsSmith2021 @Babyiskickingmyribs @LudoTrouble @Ihaveoflate @1990shopefulftm @Whyistheteacold I'm sorry if I didn't tag someone.
The baby was planned for sure, we discussed a little bit about raising kids but never spoke about taking care of an infant. Before the baby arrived I was doing everything and I think he is used to it. He occasionally did the cooking and he does the manly jobs around the house is something needs fixing but cleaning etc is all for me. He always says he has anxiety etc due to work (not happy what he does and now pandemic so not earning enough)

He needs to educate himself urgently into how not to be an aggressive male, how not to produce an angry son, how to parent, and how not to be a misogynist. If you ever do realise that his behaviour choices are not acceptable, he will have to parent his kid 50% of the time.

(You don’t need to tag everyone)

I think you need to tell him, not hint. Once he's done things once, he should see that it's not all for you to do.

"It's your turn to change this nappy."

"Can you do bath time?"

"I'll do this feed but I need you to do the next one so that I can sleep a bit longer."

"Please can you take (baby) out in the pram for an hour?"