Husband seems uninterested in our 9week baby

[Missworry92]

Hi ladies,

I feel that my husband is not interested about our baby who is 9weeks old. He doesn't do much with him, occasionally plays with him a little bit or takes him for a cuddle for a few minutes but that is it.
My husband normally works 6days a week and I get that he gets tired but surely he must know that I'm exhausted, I say it all the time. He is currently on furlough and will be for another 10days or so but he does not wake up during the night to help with the feeds. In fact he doesn't feed him..he did few times in his first weeks but now everything is left on me. I express my milk and he knows that there's plenty of milk in the fridge which just needs to be warmed up. I've said loads of times that I'm dreaming of a night when I will be able to rest fully and just sleep all the night through... I've told him that he seems uninterested and that he doesn't help me.. so the day after he did try a little bit more, he changed his nappy once, helped to bath him and played with him for maybe an hour. The next day, all forgotten and back to nothing.. he says he is always anxious about money etc with work but surely he can't just let me do everything. Also just to mention that he does cook dinner more often now that he's on furlough but that's it. Do you guys think thats normal? Do your husbands help you a lot? During the night I take my boy with his moses basket downstairs to our living room where I feed him, get him to sleep and pump before coming back upstairs with the baby in his basket and me back in the bed, the dad sleeps through and is hardly interrupted during the night. Let me know what you think girls please. My anger is just getting bigger towards him.

You are right ladies, I struggle to be more direct but I have to push myself otherwise he won't get any hints and I will start to hate him..

@Missworry92

Thank you ladies... My husband took the baby this morning just before 9am and let me have a lie in which was amazing and he hasn't done that before, I am hoping that he's starting to understand! I've thanked him a few times this morning too to hint that I need more of that. He also took him for a walk this lunch time so I could clean the house. This is our first baby and my husband is quite old fashioned thinking some jobs are for men and others are for women.. My husband is very fiery and he gets angry quickly and I think I'm just worried to bring it up too much as we will be arguing. He thinks that I'm giving the baby too much attention as I respond to his every cry quite quickly and he always says that I should just leave him cry etc and we end up arguing... I was trying to conceive for a long time, about two years and he remembers me saying "I want to have a baby" and now just throws it in my face. My husband is 11years older than me and I think he is just set in his ways as this is his first baby too. Thank you for all of your replies ladies *@LikeTheOceansWeRise* *@BendingSpoons* *@Quail15* *@handsandfeet* *@Ticklemynickel* *@AnneLovesGilbert* *@user159*

I notice you say 'I was trying to conceive' instead of 'we were trying to conceive' and then him throwing you saying 'i want to have a baby' back in your face, what do you mean? Did he ever actually want a baby or did he think he was 'giving' you one and therefore its your responsibility? Oh op im really sad for you.

I would be worried about leaving the baby with him as you mention his temper. Does he have any other kids? Do you have a job?

I don’t like the sound of this fiery temper and you being scared to be honest with him. That’s abuse OP, he’s got you walking on eggshells afraid to tell him what you need because he’ll shout at you.

Away from that, and it’s very serious, especially as some men become abusive and ramp it up once you’re exhausted, distracted and vulnerable when pregnant or caring for a new baby, if he was a sexist pig who thought housework was beneath him then chances were never great he’d embrace the additional work of a newborn like changing nappies, laundry and tidying. He may change if he decides he wants to, but you both accepted the wonky dynamic before you brought a child into the mix. A man who won’t clean up after himself won’t be cleaning up after a baby. They just don’t.

It’s good you had a lie in but there are a bunch of worrying things in your post and your updates.

What other support do you have around you? Friends? Family? If you’re in England you can have a support bubble, anyone you like, as your baby is under a year old. I think talking to someone you trust about what’s going on might be wise.

@TDMN I wanted a baby more than him, I'd like to think that he wanted a baby too, he was excited when I told him I was finally pregnant and when we went for a scan to find out the gender of the baby. The signals seemed correct if you know what I mean.
He was very supportive during labour as the birth was difficult and he was there with me every minute. When the baby was the first few days he was helping with cleaning and cooking etc and then two weeks later when he went back to work it seemed that he started losing interest in the baby and was too tired to help me with housework etc.
@lalafafa he does have a temper but he wouldn't physically hurt me nor the baby, I know that, he doesn't get violent just very verbal. I was working full time and now on mat leave and hoping to go back to work after 9months but only 3days a week, the baby will have to stay with dad at least once a week when I'm working. And he does not have any other kids, this is our first.
@AnneLovesGilbert he wouldn't hurt me but he is very verbal. If I say something to him, he manages to turn it around somehow and make things sound like I'm making things up in my head or it's my fault and not his.. I've told him before that I feel that he is controlling, but not in a way that he tells me not to do things but in a way that I feel guilty and stop myself from doing those things. Don't know if that makes sense but for example my friends might invite me to go somewhere and I will tell him about it and just by his facial expressions etc I can see that he's not happy about me going so I don't go and then if my friends ask another time I just say I can't straight away cause I know he wouldn't be happy.
I live in England and my mum comes to visit from time to time but she's working full time so can't be as often as I would like and I can't say any of this to my mum as she would get involved (happened in the past) and that just creates more drama and arguments between me and my husband.

It’s not a good relationship. You should be able to go out and see your friends without fearing his reaction. There are many types of abuse love, they don’t all involve black eyes and bruises. He absolutely is controlling. I wouldn’t tell him you think that again but I do hope you feel you can talk to someone.

What happened with your mum in the past?

Your post makes me so sad op.

He’s not a good man. He’s controlling, quick tempered and you don’t feel able to speak to him as an equal.
Some men just don’t make good fathers. My ex husband was one of them and I’m much happier without him. You deserve better
What happened with your mum? I’m assuming she’s not keen on him either?

@AnneLovesGilbert @Uncomfortablynumbed
It's a long story but back in April in the first lockdown when I was only a few months old pregnant he said he was leaving me, started packing his stuff and he wanted to go home (to another country). As it was a lockdown and we were constantly together we were just arguing a lot and my pregnancy hormones didn't help as I was quite moody. So he said he was leaving and I was talking to my mother as we are close and I needed someone to talk to. She told me at that point that she's not very keen on him and what she thought about him. The day when he was supposed to leave, he couldn't go anywhere because of the lockdown all the borders were closed and we carried on arguing etc so I've called my mum to pick ne up and take me to hers so I wouldn't have to be with him. When my mum arrived she wanted to be protective and went to talk to him telling him he can't stress a pregnant woman like that etc my mum talked down at him and was telling him that he has to leave the house as the house is mine (mortgage only on my name) he doesn't respect my mum as she has been with a married man for about 12years now and he thinks that she is the last person to give advise on relationships. I didn't leave with my mum that day and I just stayed home avoiding him in another room. I can't remember if it was the same day or the day after that he started to apologise and beg me to take him back. I am very stubborn and was telling him to leave for a few days. Anyways he kept begging and I gave in eventually and let him stay and we made up. He now always says that he wasn't actually planning to leave, he just wanted to see my reaction. We haven't argued since then. When we are in good terms and he is in good mood we have a lot of laughs and everything is great and I tell him how much I love him and need him etc and he does the same, can't live without me etc and we make stupid promises that we will always fight for each other and never give up on us.
My mum said as long as I love him she will support me whatever decision I was going to make (to take him back or not) and since then we haven't spoken about him like that but there is tension between him and my mum now as I feel they both dislike each other but pretend like they don't mind.
I don't want another row like this and don't tell my mum anything he does wrong now.

Oh OP I feel so sorry for you. Your mum sounds great and your husband sounds awful. You already do everything for the baby and have a house where your husband isn't on the mortgage - you sound like you'd be so much better off as a single parent.

I'm also a first time mum to a 9 week old and my husband has taken half of all night shifts since I started expressing, done half of all nappy changes, has done every single item of laundry, and generally shows me and our baby that he loves us with everything he does. This morning he took her from 6am-11am while I slept. This evening he took her from 6pm-10.30 while I made dinner/cleared up/spent an hour having some time to myself. There are people out there who would love you like that. Don't settle for someone who doesn't show you they love you with their actions.

Op, my partner was absolutely useless with our baby when he was that young. He showed no interest at all. He’d come home from work and I’d beg him to hold the baby for a minute so I could go to the toilet (my baby has silent reflux and had to be held upright for most of the day). He would refuse and would go to the bedroom and ‘get dressed’ for 45 minutes- and still be useless after. Luckily, he became a much better dad once ds got to about 18 months. In fact, he adores him and loves playing with him now. Nevertheless, don’t let your partner get away with pulling his weight. It’s seriously not fair. I let my partner get away with it due to the typical newborn phase exhaustion. It felt easier to just get on with it. That doesn’t mean it’s right. You need more support as you’ve had a baby during this pandemic. If you can manage it, use your energy to talk to him about how he’s making you feel. You deserve better.

@Missworry92 You are in a very abusive relationship. In your original post it just sounds like he is a bit crap and lazy, but your subsequent posts contain so many red flags for abuse.

In summary he is aggressive, manipulative and controlling. As a result you don’t feel able to communicate your feelings with him directly for fear of his reaction, and his reactions stop you from doing things that you want to do. It’s toxic, and it’s abuse.

It’s really important that you don’t cut yourself off from your family and friends right now. I really think you should speak to your Mum again, without your partners knowledge and work out what is best for you and your baby.

@Missworry92 Also this may, or may not, be relevant but.....

Is there a reason for expressing milk and bottle feeding rather than feeding baby directly from the breast?

Ordinarily I would assume it’s so that feeding can be shared between parents, but that’s clearly not happening in your situation, so I just wondering what the reason for expressing each night was?

Pleydont stop talking to your mum or your friends, you need them now more than ever

Thank you all. I just think I can't end things..
@RoseBud2016 I breast feed and express. Unfortunately my baby latches on but doesn't stay on the breast for long, max 10mins both breasts. He had tongue tie cut just before Christmas but that hasn't sorted it. I feed him with madela calma bottle so it would be more like a breast. The feeding specialist said just to stop the bottles which I did for two weeks but my milk supply was getting lower so I'm back at breast feeding and expressing as he still seems hungry after breast xx

During the night I take my boy with his moses basket downstairs to our living room where I feed him

No, you stay in bed and feed the baby in your bedroom. Most new mother do this, don’t they?

I wanted a baby more than him

I know a few women who wanted babies more than their husbands did. Guess what? They did all the work while their husbands did nothing. A couple of them split up with their husbands. Your posts should be used as a stark reminder to all the women who post on MN saying that they want a/another baby and their husband/partner does not.

Don't know if that makes sense but for example my friends might invite me to go somewhere and I will tell him about it and just by his facial expressions etc I can see that he's not happy about me going so I don't go and then if my friends ask another time I just say I can't straight away cause I know he wouldn't be happy.

This ^^ is a massive red flag. He sounds controlling, abusive and quick to anger. Please don’t allow him to isolate you from your friends or your mum. What country is he from?

Your updates sound even more depressing. If the house is in your name, please ring fence that so he can’t get anything from it when you split up (not if, but when). Make a will and put it in trust for your baby if necessary. You need to take legal advice IMO.

@Missworry92

Ah ok- that’s a relief. I was concerned you were doing that because of him! I know some controlling men aren't happy with baby being breastfed. I wondered if he was one of them.

Please speak to your Mum again about it all and get some support. You need to discuss your options and make a plan.

I've told him that i will be starting to feed him in the bedroom soon as he is almost outgrown his moses basket and I want him to be in our room until he is 6months old so the cot bed will come to our bedroom for a few months. My husband said oh well you can still take him downstairs to feed, but I said if I do it downstairs, by the time I bring him upstairs he will be wide awake so it's just better to do it in the bedroom. My husband didn't say anything after that, he didn't seemed impressed but I guess he knows I'm right.
This morning also I asked him if he could do one feed during the night and his response was "the more I help you the more you ask" .. he walked away for a sec and then came back and said yes I can do one feed - wasn't the happiest tone but it ended like that. He has been avoiding me and a baby today, he went to cook and stayed in the kitchen for like 3hours just avoiding us and he is hardly talking to me today..

Hi op please don't think you have to exclusively breastfeed and don't be pressured into this. The midwives and health visitors always always tell you what's best for baby but they don't know what's best for everyone. There are bigger issues at play. Fed is best right now

Have you thought about introducing a formula feed? Maybe late at night. Give that to husband fo do and then you can go go bed early, have a good few hours sleep and do the middle of night feed when baby wakes. In bed! You have to work as a team. He can't leave it all to you, you'll be over tired and then that affects everything: your mood, your ability think clearly. You'll burn out quickly

Regardless of how this man treats you, he sounds like a bully, and maybe not for you long term.

But the immediate priority is to survive the next few weeks and months. You have to pull together as a team

@peanutbuthead thank you. I express milk so my husband could always give him a bottle. Unfortunately my baby only latches on for 10mins to feed from the breast and then he wants a bottle. I'm trying to carry on like this while I still have milk, trying to avoid formula for as long as I can but if I have to introduce it, it will be fine.
And I am telling him that he has to help me more so I'm hoping he will pull it together xx

My husband is very fiery and he gets angry quickly and I think I'm just worried to bring it up too much as we will be arguing. He thinks that I'm giving the baby too much attention as I respond to his every cry quite quickly and he always says that I should just leave him cry etc and we end up arguing...

He has been avoiding me and a baby today, he went to cook and stayed in the kitchen for like 3hours just avoiding us and he is hardly talking to me today..

This is really not good OP .
It’s so much more than just not being interested in the baby.
Do you have any outside support? People to talk to?

@TwilightSkies I've got my mum and my best friend but I don't want to talk to them about it because I know that they both secretly dislike him and I don't want to give them more reasons to dislike him even more..
I've joined peanut app where you can chat with other mums so hopefully will meet someone that way xx

They probably already know about his unreasonable behaviour, and that is why they dislike him.

Which country is he from?

I don't want to give them more reasons to dislike him even more.

Why? Why are you trying to cover up how badly he treats you?
You need some real life support.

@Ginfordinner he's from Slovakia.
@TwilightSkies I don't want them to dislike him whilst I'm with him, I can say things when I'm mad and then regret it after as there would be tension between them after and I'm just avoiding that.
When things are good with him, we're great so I can't just end things plus I want my child to have a dad next to him xx

As for the night feeds OP, you're taking the baby downstairs out of sight, out of mind for your DH. While you deal with all the responsibility on your own downstairs through the night. Sounds very, very lonely to me.

Perhaps more importantly though, every post you add makes your DH sound worse and worse. He's got you walking on eggshells wanting him to be in a good mood. You sound a bit scared of him. There's nothing great about that. And your baby will pick up on it as he gets older. I really feel for you. Had a BF like this who (surprise surprise) is now my ex.