Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Stand offish with own baby

42 replies

Apple35 · 22/01/2021 07:59

To cut a long story short, I had PND and my baby was premature so spent time in the special nursery.
Since i returned to work, I have been avoidant of my daughter. Leave most of it to my mum in law and partner. When i come home from work all i want is my bed and on days off i just want to be left alone.
I love my baby girl but find parenting overwhelming and my baby is demanding.
Had a heart to heart with my partner last night but I still feel like the worst mother in the world.
I feel like I don't have a strong bond with her and can dread coming home. I get annoyed if my partner asks me to keep an eye on her for him to do stuff and can't wait to hand her back. What kind of mother feels that way or behaves like this? It is like i miss my old carefree life. Any advice or experiences will be helpful. TIA x

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/01/2021 08:11

Sounds like you still have PND. Talk to your health visitor or GP and ask for help.

Thatwentbadly · 22/01/2021 08:12

I agree that it sounds like you still have PND. Did you receive any treatment? It sounds like you need more.

Original poster
Apple35 · 22/01/2021 08:14

Yeah went on antidepressants and had counselling. This might sound silly but I am too scared to tell my doctor or HV incase they think i can't cope and I am a bad mother.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Original poster
Apple35 · 22/01/2021 08:18

No longer on the medication.

OP posts:
Pittapatta · 22/01/2021 08:22

You really need to speak with your health visitor or GP. Try and be really honest with them. The most important thing is to get help so you can begin to bond with your daughter. You need to put her needs first above any feelings if embarrassment

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/01/2021 08:22

I think it's worth going back on the meds. The docs won't think badly of you if you say that you feel the PND hasn't fully gone away and you require medication again.

Quartz2208 · 22/01/2021 08:25

You are not a bad mother you had a traumatic start to motherhood and alongside the PND you still have is causing this. This is not your fault you need to seek help

Cauterize · 22/01/2021 08:50

Maybe the baby stage just isn't for you OP, I also found it very difficult. But as soon as they can talk, walk and become more interactive, things do change.
I also had PND and crippling anxiety and found myself detaching but I just had to force myself to do things with my son, often through gritted teeth, but I tried to fake it as best I could. I found that from 2 onwards I really started to enjoy it more.
What I'm saying is that you won't necessarily always feel this way. The baby stage can be so stressful and unrewarding! Things do change, try and hold on to that

Ohalrightthen · 22/01/2021 10:13

Did the PND ever actually get better, OP? Did you ever feel love/closeness/a bond with your baby? Was she wanted, planned?

Original poster
Apple35 · 22/01/2021 10:37

@Ohalrightthen yes she was planned. I have felt closeness to her but feel detached at the same time. I remember in the neonatal and scared to get close to her in case she died. I still get intrusive thoughts like 'what if you die' and am scared something happens to her.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 22/01/2021 10:39

[quote Apple35]@Ohalrightthen yes she was planned. I have felt closeness to her but feel detached at the same time. I remember in the neonatal and scared to get close to her in case she died. I still get intrusive thoughts like 'what if you die' and am scared something happens to her.[/quote]
I think you need to go back to your GP and ask for more help, it doesn't sound like you've recovered properly yet.

Are you able to take a week or two off work and just spend time with your DD? No MIL, no partner, just you and your baby? Reset the bond?

MedusasBadHairDay · 22/01/2021 10:52

I had the same, the charity Bliss really helped me deal with it. They offered counselling, and told me it was a fairly common reaction for preemie parents. It got better, but it took time so go easy on yourself.

I remember in the neonatal and scared to get close to her in case she died

You've got some trauma to work through, I was exactly the same. Seeing your baby like that is hard - so refusing to let yourself get close is a logical defence mechanism. And having a child in SCBU means you don't get to interact with them in the usual way. It's tough, but one day you will find it's got easier.

Original poster
Apple35 · 22/01/2021 13:32

Thanks will look up more info on Bliss. Just spoke to my GP on the phone and she thinks my PND is still here. She has restarted me on Sertraline 50mg.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 22/01/2021 13:39

@Apple35

Thanks will look up more info on Bliss. Just spoke to my GP on the phone and she thinks my PND is still here. She has restarted me on Sertraline 50mg.
ahhh that is such good news. Well done for reaching out, I know how tough that can be.
MedusasBadHairDay · 22/01/2021 13:50

That's good, glad you've reached out.

Catchingfire123 · 22/01/2021 13:59

Amazing for reaching out. I also got referred for counciling and cbt which really help keep those negative thoughts at bay

sadpapercourtesan · 22/01/2021 14:03

I think it is part of your PND and a response to the trauma of nearly losing her. You're holding her at arms length emotionally to protect yourself. It's not your fault and you're not a bad mother.

I found spending lots of time cuddling my baby helped stimulate the bond and get the love hormones flowing. He was in SCBU after a very traumatic birth as well, and frankly I felt like I had been hit by a train for a long time after the birth.

It will come Flowers

HappyPumpkin81 · 22/01/2021 14:05

I wonder if it would be helpful to schedule in some baby related tasks in your day as well. So for example on Monday you give her a bath, Tuesday you feed her dinner, Wednesday you do 15 mins tummy time with her. That way you are building in activities that will help to develop your bond, but you know when to expect them and they are time limited so you can grit your teeth and get through it if it is challenging. Your partner gets a break and you don’t feel like the baby is being ‘sprung’ on you.

Original poster
Apple35 · 22/01/2021 17:54

@Ohalrightthen I have a week off at the start of February. Was thinking of having a day alone with her. Her birthday is that week too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Apple35 · 22/01/2021 17:55

@HappyPumpkin81great idea. I do enjoy having a bath with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Apple35 · 22/01/2021 17:57

@sadpapercourtesan thank you for sharing your experience. I need to do more with her to increase the bond. Spoje toy MIL tonight about all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Apple35 · 22/01/2021 17:58

Thank you all for your responses. I have spoke to my MIL and doctor today so feeling better rather than suffering in silence.

OP posts:
Mumzuki · 22/01/2021 18:03

I felt quite detached from DD2 when she was born. I used to deliberately build in time to make prolonged eye contact with her, as I read this could help with bonding, but still remember the overwhelming sense of relief when she was about 18mths and it suddenly dawned on me that I loved her.

She’s 11 now and my partner in crime, my source of joy and laughter, my beloved child.

You’re right to reach out, and to seek help, but remember you’ll be her mother for a lifetime and this part of it will pass.

Oneearringlost · 22/01/2021 18:07

How old is your baby now?
When did you go back to work and how long were you on the antidepressants before you stopped taking them, did they help?
You've had an awful lot of change to deal with.
An ideal time to stay on a ( relatively low dose) of anti depressants is 6 months with a weaning off period.
I echo a PP, to have a good couple of weeks of caring for her, to reset the bond, maybe after a month of anti depressant medication?
I'm absolutely sure it will get better with the appropriate help.
Good luck

Annapops1 · 22/01/2021 18:10

Hi OP...you're not alone. My son is now 15 but when he was born I was in a very abusive marriage. I didn't enjoy the pregnancy as I was never given the chance to relax and actually feel the process. It was a complete shock when he was born and I honestly feel like I went through the motions until he was over a year old. He was a good baby but I remember feeling relief when it was bed time, like I'd managed to get through another day! It was only when he was poorly in hospital at 15 months old and I had left him for 10 minutes for a shower that I suddenly felt panic as I couldn't remember fastening the cot sides. I flew back to him and thank god I had fastened them! It was almost like a light bulb moment...like he was really mine! From that moment on our bond grew and shortly afterwards I left my abusive husband. Everyone now comments on how close my son and I are. Speak with your GP and get help lovely ❤️

Swipe left for the next trending thread