Stand offish with own baby

[Apple35]

To cut a long story short, I had PND and my baby was premature so spent time in the special nursery.
Since i returned to work, I have been avoidant of my daughter. Leave most of it to my mum in law and partner. When i come home from work all i want is my bed and on days off i just want to be left alone.
I love my baby girl but find parenting overwhelming and my baby is demanding.
Had a heart to heart with my partner last night but I still feel like the worst mother in the world.
I feel like I don't have a strong bond with her and can dread coming home. I get annoyed if my partner asks me to keep an eye on her for him to do stuff and can't wait to hand her back. What kind of mother feels that way or behaves like this? It is like i miss my old carefree life. Any advice or experiences will be helpful. TIA x

Big virtual hug for you.

You are doing all the right things. You will come out the other end of this.

@Oneearringlost yeah a lot going on. In the space of a year my daughter was born by emergency c section and was in neonatal for four weeks, Covid lockdowns, back to work and then got a promotion so had to go full time.
I have a week off at the start of February so will look to do as much as possible then

@Annapops1 bless you and thank you for sharing your story. I was in an abusive relationship before i met my husband and know how hard it is. You are so brave. Spoke with my GP today and now back on antidepressants as of tomorrow.

@TheSockMonster Thank you lovely. Means a lot.

You do love her very much, it's really obvious. Look at what you've done today - posted for advice here, reached out to MIL and the GP and got medication organised. You've taken actions to get yourself into a better place for her - those actions are loving her, as much as cuddles and bathtimes are. I really think you'll be OK and the bond will grow

Not the same thing at all, but I was very poorly with a breast abscess after my first DC was born and I remember looking at him on a number of occasions and thinking ‘my life was better before I had you”. Then crying hysterically at what a terrible mother I was!

It seems so funny to me now, as my baby boy very quickly became the centre of my world. He and his siblings are the best thing to ever have happened to me and a source of constant joy.

I know it’s not the same as your situation, but I don’t think these feelings are all that uncommon.

Spending a day together sounds like a good plan, something I found that helped a well was to make sure I spent non-productive time with DD. Eg. Not feeding her, winding her, changing her nappy. So it felt less like a chore.

@sadpapercourtesan thank you xx

@medusasBadHairDay I'm starting little by little. Started my meds today and having a bath with her later. Spoke to my husband too and told him the doc thinks i still have PND.

He was a good baby but I remember feeling relief when it was bed time, like I'd managed to get through another day!

I felt bonded with my baby from very early on, but I still feel like this most days!

Good morning, thank you for your reply. Really hope you start to feel the benefits of your medication soon sweetheart. Xx

@Annapops1 Thanks. I have now started helping out more with the baby and feel better for it xx

Well today i had a meltdown. Only be on meds a week so will take some time. Told my hubby how depressed i feel and how i think i hate being a mother. I know deep down I don't but she can be so demanding and is at the stage of constantly moving. I thought i would love being a mother but i miss my old carefree life in a way. Scared i made a mistake becoming a mother.

What kind of mother feels that way or behaves like this?

One who is still struggling. Please don't be hard on yourself and speak to your GP or HV.

@Cam2020 spoke to my GP who has put my on an antidepressant. Will speak to my HV though.

It will take time, you’re allowed time. Things are tough enough at the moment without blaming yourself.

Adjusting to being a mother is incredibly hard, and continues to be hard, but that doesn’t mean you’ve made a mistake, just that you’re struggling. I hope your DH is being supportive.

Remember that it takes a few weeks for antidepressants to balance out. How are you feeling now?

@Palindromic Still feeling down but having issues at work too. Will get my doc to review my meds this week xx