AIBU to be reluctant to send DC1 away on hol with in-laws while I have DC2?

[BadHairFatFeet]

I'm due to have DC2 later this summer. Their EDT is 2 weeks before when we (me, DP and DC1 who's 2.5 yo) are due to go on holiday to Cornwall with my in-laws (plus BIL) for their big wedding anniversary for five days.

The trip was booked ages ago before we'd even decided to try for DC2. My husband actually got the trip dates wrong as we were going to have a break from trying to allow for the 3 of us to go on the trip, if that makes sense! Sod's law I got pg after months of trying with a due date that's v close to the holiday.

My ILs have missed out a lot on seeing us (and DC1) who is their only GC, and this holiday was really something to look forward to. It was one of the first things they said with when we told them the news, and they're now asking about it, ie what our plans are likely to be.

DP and I have privately agreed that it's unlikely I will go as the best case scenario is I'll have a 3 week old if I'm not overdue. Plus I don't know what sort of a birth I'll have. Cornwall is also hundreds of miles away for us. We went to stay with my ILs (also hundreds of miles away) when DC1 was 2 weeks old and I found the travelling, newborn and breastfeeding struggle combo all too much when you're not in your own space.

DP and I have suggested that maybe just he and DC1 join them for a few days, but DP is also not sure if he'll want to be away now.

ILs have suggested that they take DC1 away while DP and I stay at home with DC2. Their reasoning is it might be nice for DC1 to have that week away as he might be feeling left out and unsettled by DC2. This way, they'll be able to focus on him.

I can sort of see the logic, but part of me also thinks if he is having any jealousy issues, is being away from us and not being included in those early days really the right move?

The accom is all booked so they don't need an answer from us yet, and it's so far off it's probably to early to say one way or another how I'd feel. I can't decide if it's a really lovely suggestion, or a bit daft?

What would you guys do?

I think sending a 2.5 year old away when a new baby has just been born would be absolute madness. Your DC could feel replaced and abandoned. I also think your hormones might make it incredibly hard on you.

I'd probably have done it personally, but my DC1 adores grandparents and would have a whale of a time being fussed over. DC1 spent 3 solid days staying with GPs when I was in hospital having DC2 in any case and loved it.

I think it comes down to how your child and you would react.

ILs have suggested that they take DC1 away while DP and I stay at home with DC2. Their reasoning is it might be nice for DC1 to have that week away as he might be feeling left out and unsettled by DC2. This way, they'll be able to focus on him.

Nice idea in theory, but the reality is that your ds needs his parents to provide security when a new sibling comes along, not grandparents he’s barely seen for ages. There is no way I’d have let someone take one of my children away when a new one was born, there are far too many ways it could result in jealousy or resentment. Apart from that, it’s bonding time for the family, you can’t bond if one of you isn’t there.

I definitely wouldn’t do this. Bound to end up with jealousy and resentment from DC1, I would be focusing on having some nice time at home all together. I also wouldn’t want to be hundreds of miles away from my young DC in case something went wrong. If they’re decent people they will understand.

Can you move the holiday forward?

@Notmoreuodates5 we're going to suggest this as it seems the easiest solution.

DC1 and DP going away is still on the table, but i'm not sure this is any better?

Is your eldest currently 2.5, and so will be three when this holiday happens? I actually don't see an issue- he gets a special holiday with all his other family, gets utterly spoiled, and you get a chance to work out a bit of a routine. It's not like you're trying to get him out the way, if at the time of the holiday he is having any issues with separation, then obviously I wouldn't send him, but I know mine would have gone without a backward glance of even the seed of an idea they were being got rid of- as 9bviously that's not the situation

No I wouldn’t
I think it would suggest to DC1 that you are sending him away because you have a new baby (I know that’s not the case). You all need to bond as a family

I would, my ds would have seen a trip to the seaside with his grandparents as a treat not as being sent away.

@SD1978 yes he'll have just turned 3 so will be a bit older

@Hoppinggreen this is my worry! Especially as he's spent so much more time with us because of the pandemic.

I left my son with mum (in our own house) for two nights while we had dc2 - he worries about us leaving him everytime we go to visit now (2 years later).
For a child that is used to spending a lot of time at grandparents house, no problem.
But if your child doesn’t see much of ILs and not used to doing overnight stays, especially in an unfamiliar place plus new baby in his house when he returns, I wouldn’t.

I have a new baby abd DS 4

He's just been to his grandparents for a week as I was struggling

He's seen it as a holiday. We pitched it as the baby is sad he can't go too as too little

He was perfectly happy

I'd agree, it hopefully will be a treat for DC1. If however, it becomes a problem for DC1, your DH can join them for the rest of the trip.

So I actually disagree a bit with previous posters.

If you like your inlaws and they are good grandparents that DC1 also likes, I actually would say it’s a great idea

The last bit of pregnancy is so tough, and worrying about childcare when you’re going into labour is stressful

When I was overdue last month, my midwife said that women often don’t go into labour until it’s clear to do so - for me that meant closing my business, and ensuring my DC1 was at her aunties for a few days.

When we got home, we made sure baby was in a cot on her own when we introduced her to DC1. We also always referred to the baby as ‘dc1’s sister’ never ‘mummy’s baby’. We made it like this was all especially for DC1 (she was also 3 at the time like your little boy)

It worked so well - I had a stress free labour and now DC1 adores her baby sister, no jealousy yet.

On the flip side, definitely do NOT send DP away!!! You need your birth partner nearby at all times and being on your own would be such a worry.

Good luck, it will all work out in the end :)

I'd leave any decisions about this until the last minute (if the dates can't be changed in advance). If baby is 3weeks old by then, I'm sure dc1 and dp would love to have a few days away and you can enjoy the peace at home. Equally, if baby is overdue/a few days old, I'd keep everyone home.

I'd not go down the dc1 alone route - it would be dc1 and dp or no one.

I don’t think it would necessarily be traumatic for DC1 to have a holiday with adoring grandparents tbh. It could be a big child treat. Depends on the relationships really.

We went to Cornwall from 5 hours away at 3 weeks with DC3 though, with the in-laws! It was fine. I would wait & see.

Honestly I think I would try and go too. I know it's hard with a newborn but actually it means more people to help, no cooking etc. Obviously depends on when you have the baby and your health.

Or move the holiday but if it's for an anniversary then that's harder.

No, this just all seems mad. For a start they want you to make a decision what that is 6 months away! You don't have a crystal ball, you dont know when the baby will arrive, how the birth will go, how long you will be in hospital. Even suggesting sending DH and child is mad, what if you need is help. Again you will not know till you have had the baby. I would not risk my DC1 going away and coming back feeling left out, reached or jealous, with someone he has hardly seen for how long? There are fair too many variables that could go either way and them wanting an answer not is crazy. And reading between the lines they sound demanding with this scenario and why the hell did you travel with a 2 week old to them last time. (And make sure you read up as babies in car seats for long periods is a huge no no now). Do what is best for your family. Not them.

I wouldn't do it, DC1 is too young to understand and may feel pushed out. I get the holiday is booked, it's an anniversary, etc etc etc but you're having a baby! I'm afraid that trumps just about everything.

Do what works for you, your newborn and DC1 who is about to have their little world turned upside down

I think take it day by day and go what feels right at the time, I would've been fine going when DS was 3 weeks old, it would've been lovely to be with family in the sun.

Only you know the answer to this @BadHairFatFeet.
Some toddlers think new babies are dull as dishwasher and would much prefer a seaside holiday with adoring grandparents than being inside with an exhausted mother and crying baby. My DD couldn't get enough of her baby brother and would have hated the week away.
I used to love little holidays with my grandparents when I was little, but we are all different. Why don't you wait until nearer the time, then decide.

Dish water, not dishwasher - thanks autocorrect!

I can't think of anything that would make a child feel pushed out than sending him away after a new baby arrives.

I would leave it open because you just don't know, but having had a 2 year old and a newborn twice (3 kids) and both times I have been in hospital and away from 2 year old prior I wouldn't send dc1 away.

Dd1 struggled with me being in hospital for 2 days after an EMCS with dd2 and I was in hospital for 2 months prior to dc3 so when I came out a week after his birth, dd2 was very clingy and needed me just as much as the baby did which made things harder. They are still very little at 2.5 to be away from their parents for that length of time and then come back to such a big change.

First, I think trying to make this decision now is madness. There are simply too many variables. The baby might come early and as it's a second one you might find the whole experience much easier and be happy to go on a family holiday where there are other people to help. Or the baby comes late and you're still in the newborn fugue and frankly need everyone close. If dates can't be changed, then I'd be asking ILs to understand that it's just too tricky to decide now.

As for sending DS, that is entirely dependent on DS and his relationship with his grandparents. If he's the kind of child who would love a week at the seaside with grandparents and you could tell him that you and baby are super sad you don't get to enjoy the same treat, then do it. But only you and your DH can know. A compromise could be DH taking hi for a few days then leaving him behind if DS is happy to do so.