AIBU to be reluctant to send DC1 away on hol with in-laws while I have DC2?

[BadHairFatFeet]

I'm due to have DC2 later this summer. Their EDT is 2 weeks before when we (me, DP and DC1 who's 2.5 yo) are due to go on holiday to Cornwall with my in-laws (plus BIL) for their big wedding anniversary for five days.

The trip was booked ages ago before we'd even decided to try for DC2. My husband actually got the trip dates wrong as we were going to have a break from trying to allow for the 3 of us to go on the trip, if that makes sense! Sod's law I got pg after months of trying with a due date that's v close to the holiday.

My ILs have missed out a lot on seeing us (and DC1) who is their only GC, and this holiday was really something to look forward to. It was one of the first things they said with when we told them the news, and they're now asking about it, ie what our plans are likely to be.

DP and I have privately agreed that it's unlikely I will go as the best case scenario is I'll have a 3 week old if I'm not overdue. Plus I don't know what sort of a birth I'll have. Cornwall is also hundreds of miles away for us. We went to stay with my ILs (also hundreds of miles away) when DC1 was 2 weeks old and I found the travelling, newborn and breastfeeding struggle combo all too much when you're not in your own space.

DP and I have suggested that maybe just he and DC1 join them for a few days, but DP is also not sure if he'll want to be away now.

ILs have suggested that they take DC1 away while DP and I stay at home with DC2. Their reasoning is it might be nice for DC1 to have that week away as he might be feeling left out and unsettled by DC2. This way, they'll be able to focus on him.

I can sort of see the logic, but part of me also thinks if he is having any jealousy issues, is being away from us and not being included in those early days really the right move?

The accom is all booked so they don't need an answer from us yet, and it's so far off it's probably to early to say one way or another how I'd feel. I can't decide if it's a really lovely suggestion, or a bit daft?

What would you guys do?

I personally wouldn't. Maybe a night or 2 as most people who have that support will use their inlaws/own parents to look after the first child while you have the second baby but for a whole week 100's of miles away after having the baby, no way. I know my lo would want to see me and be around me especially during the evenings. Day times is fine as there would be activities to occupy them but evenings and nighttime's he will feel alien and cry for me or DH.

@LemonBreeland

I think sending a 2.5 year old away when a new baby has just been born would be absolute madness. Your DC could feel replaced and abandoned. I also think your hormones might make it incredibly hard on you.

I completely agree. The is is the worst possible time for your 2.5 year old to go on holiday with out. Even if you hadn’t just had a baby I wouldn’t want to send my 2.5yr old off with people he hadn’t seen much of recently.

I had a three year age gap. My eldest would not have handled this well at all. It definitely would have felt like an abandonment to him and he has great relationships with his grandparents. It still would have been traumatic to him. It also would have been horrific for me in the aftermath of hormones and emotions that go along with a newborn. I absolutely could not have had my other child away from me, not at all. And the idea of sending my husband and child away and being alone with a newborn and no support - not a chance! I needed to rest and recover, being on my own with full responsibility for a cluster feeding non-sleeping newborn baby would have been isolating and depressing to me at that stage.

Holidays should be relaxing and enjoyable; this one sounds stressful from any angle - going while heavily pregnant, with a young baby, in any combination of family members - it just sounds like it would be upsetting and far too much hard work. Reschedule it for another year.

I wouldn't. I would worry they would feel pushed out especially if you and DH stay home.
DH and DC going is an option but surely that depends on your birth and recovery - not really something you can or should commit too right now as you might feel pressured to honour any agreement even if you're not feeling up to it.

Hopefully you can change the date 😊

I would if it was me for the same reasons others have agreed.

My youngest is just turning 3 now and I think a holiday away with family he hasn’t seen much this year would be really hard on him. A 6 year old would be different and mine would have loved that at 6, but a toddler is too little to really understand what’s happening. Also I can’t imagine anything worse than having to take care of someone else’s 3 year old on a trip meant to be for celebrating your anniversary. 3 year olds are very hard work. I think it would be a no for me. I would plan a time away with them later in the year instead.