How much will having a second baby prevent me from living the life I want to live?

[chuckb4ss]

I am 36 and have a 6 month old and it has been no easy feat thus far but I feel I can somewhat see the light at the end of the tunnel as each week passes. I am contemplating a second which would be sooner rather than later but unsure. I want to start my career from scratch in a field that is extremely common and entry level roles are a dime a dozen. My hope is to progress over the long term (early retirement is not of interest to me). I also want some time for myself for keeping fit, self care, and just working on being the best version of myself which I’m not sure if it that sounds quite selfish. My husband hasn’t been the most hands on thus far and whilst I do have family support, I don’t want my parent spending their retirement taking care of my kids. We can afford nursery fees for two etc and finances overall aren’t an issue. I’m just wondering how much of an impact a second can have? I imagine it will push my plans back by a couple of years, my time to myself may be reduced as there may be some extra curricular activities they attend which their sibling doesn’t so means more running around, is there anything else I have missed in terms of how having a second will impact me?

...they'll need and want to spend time with you for the next ten years, both of them, so working outside of school hours won't really be an option. Or shouldn't be.

Consider the extra demands in time and money if your 2nd child has additional needs.

If finances aren’t an issue, I can’t imagine it will have much impact really at all, though you will be more tired for a few years if close together. Mine are 5 years apart and I was in the middle of a PhD when I had my first. I’ve had no issues progressing my career and having time to do things I enjoy. I work in a demanding field, still get to relax, have a few holidays without dc a year. It’s because we spaced things out so that we could afford childcare and Dh is as hands on as I am. You absolutely do not need a school hours job to have 2 dc it’s no different than 1 in that sense. Dh and I both work full time, sometimes long hours, I have a long commute. But we work flexibly as needed and we each do our bit. Having one is hard but having 2 isn’t considerably harder.

One child fitted in to my life, two children became my life. But everyone is different, so I can't really tell you how you'll feel.

Sorry what, you can’t get a drop as a woman outside of school hours....what trash

OP, I love having 2 (easier in many ways). Those baby years are tough but I was able to progress my career

@Squashpocket

One child fitted in to my life, two children became my life. But everyone is different, so I can't really tell you how you'll feel.

This!

@Ohalrightthen

...they'll need and want to spend time with you for the next ten years, both of them, so working outside of school hours won't really be an option. Or shouldn't be.

Hahahahahahahahaha

One is definitely easier. I felt like I'd got my life and self back, if that makes sense, by the time my first was about three. With the second that hasn't happened.

Agree with the PP who said:
"One child fitted in to my life, two children became my life. But everyone is different, so I can't really tell you how you'll feel."

I’m confused about why your husband isn’t hands on. I wouldn’t be reluctant to have another if he isn’t going to contribute

One child fitted in to my life, two children became my life
One child goes on a sleepover and you have the night off - but not if you have a second child. One child goes out to an activity and you have free time - but not if you have a second child. You can afford to send one child out a lot more often than you can afford to send two. People who will babysit one child may be reluctant to take two. You have twice as much homework to help with, twice as many books to read, twice as many parents meetings at school, twice as much parent-child time to fit into your calendar. If you want to have a life I recommend stopping after one... unless you have some really supportive family members who are willing to share the burden.

This is precisely why we have stuck with one. My life already heavily revolves around my child but I find that with one, you still have time to pursue other interests (just about).

I have a time consuming hobby that I've just been able to get back into over the last yr. It is really important to me and a huge part of my identity. If I had another child I could kiss goodbye to it for another 5 or so yrs and even then, trying to juggle multiple children, work and my beloved hobby would be incredibly hard.

I love being a parent, but I also love my own life and interests. The balance would tip massively against me if we had another.

If your DH cannot become hands on, don’t.

At 6 months, now is the time to insist he starts to step up. Whether you have one child or two ultimately, he needs to get involved.

One child fitted in to my life, two children became my life.

Love this quote - it definitely confirms what I’d suspected! I identify with a lot of what you say OP. I have just the one DD and had always been pretty set on stopping at one, but Covid has made me wobble a little - DD is so isolated right now, there are no cousins/extended family either and I’m worried she’ll have a bit of a lonely life.

But thinking more selfishly I suspect any more DC would be a disaster for us; we both hate chaos, need a least a bit of down time to stay vaguely sane, like to invest time and effort in DD (I think we’d feel too frazzled and stretched in different directions with more), love foreign travel and don’t want to compromise on that... Plus I’m 40 and my career has pretty much ground to a halt since having DD (I’m sort of an accidental SAHM at the moment) so I suspect that with a second DC I’d never properly get back to work, which I’d deeply regret.

Obviously can’t give you personal experience of two, but I always look at all my friends with 2+ DC and think that, while they seem happy enough, their lives are very much defined by their kids - definitely not much happening in the way of self-actualisation! Meanwhile DD is 3 now and I’m beginning to feel like I’m getting some of my own identity back - very reluctant to give that up again.

Oh, and my DP is super hands on - wouldn’t even countenance a second if he wasn’t.

If your DH isn't sharing the load and you aren't desperate for 2 then stopping at 1 would make sense.

I had 2 in 14m.
With respect, life changes when you have children. I love both of mine and I would have the same gap again if I had the chance. There's nothing I would change.

However, your career will end up going on hold for a while because it will have to. You won't have the mental space to be able to dedicate your whole self to everything. Fair play to those that can, but it took me until my youngest was 3 to be able to have some notion of who I was again and how I wanted an achievement to look like.

My advice would be to forget about the career for now - it will always be there if you want it. If you want another child then go for it. What does your family set up look like 10 years from now? If it's with 2 kids then get cracking!

What is wrong with dh ? Does he hVe some problem?
Start leaving baby with him
Let him cope

Two you in for many years of hard work espec as lone parent (which you may as well be if dh does zero) but if you enjoy then long term you potentially have two decent humans

@Ohalrightthen

...they'll need and want to spend time with you for the next ten years, both of them, so working outside of school hours won't really be an option. Or shouldn't be.

I’m sorry, have we somehow gone down a wormhole and ended up in the 1950’s? Have one of these

I meant to have two.
Got three now.
BOGOFF offer on the second pregnancy.
Oops.

Honestly op why do you want a second child with a man who isn't that bothered by his first?

My close friends have one child of 9, and I would say their lives are almost the same as they were pre kids. They both have plenty of time to spend together or separately, they aren’t particularly tired, and they are a team of 3. They can eat out, go away easily, do whatever they want really.

All my other friends, and us, have 2+ kids and life is just massively about our children. I am lucky enough to have be financially OK and have a very involved DH, so I get some time to myself, can go away for weekends etc but still from dawn to dusk I am involved with my children physically, on the days I am not at work. Even when they are at school and I am at home I am spending a lot of time doing things for them.

I wouldn’t change it for the world, I love my life and wouldn’t want my friends life at all. But sounds like you might want to consider whether you really want another.

I always suspected I might only have 1 child, but this thread has confirmed it 🙂

I actually agree with @ohalrightthen to some extent. A child coming home from school to an empty house because Mum is still at work and Dad isnt interested, each night? No great is it.

Do try to leave the baby with DH more - the more parenting they do, the better they get at knowing the baby’s needs, and as a result they enjoy caring for them more. Helicopter dads who only take care of baby occasionally get frustrated and find childcare more difficult... it’s a vicious circle

So don’t let the gap between your parenting grow any wider. If it does, that will be v bad for your career and life aspirations, not to mention your relationship.

Find ways to leave baby with DH more and more as baby gets older. DH will figure it out, and learn to love it.

My own DH found connecting with his tiny baby daughters quite difficult, but as they grew older and more entertaining as toddlers, he’s amazed me. I try to stand back and let him figure it out, just like I’ve had to.

So that’s my number one tip. Good luck x

@Ohalrightthen and suddenly we’ve gone back in time! How is that realistic for the majority of women? No wonder women aren’t as well paid and are missing from senior jobs.
@Letsallscreamatthesistene please do let me know if you’re only supposed to have children if you can afford not to work or find these mythical jobs that are only schools hours and in term time for what 16 years? Obviously primary school age children can’t come home to an empty house so it’s now 16 years that women can’t work for.

OP, When my DD was 18 months I started to feel like things were a lot easier; going away with her was easier and me going away for the odd night was easy. My DH was not particularly hands on during the first 6 months but as DD got older he was and I expected more of him once I was back at work which was probably my error during maternity leave. I was breastfeeding and I did the night wakings because of that and I think he didn’t really know what he was supposed to be doing despite wanting to be more hands on.
I’ve now got a second and it’s taken us back to the beginning as you’d expect and I can see that life is going to be more complicated and busier; two sets of childcare, two children to be off ill most likely at different times, extra curricular activities, friends parties, play dates, clothes to think about, individual attention for each etc etc. It’s harder to ask people to look after both of them and going away takes more organisation. So I think it all puts you back by more than a couple of years. However I think as they get older siblings entertain each other; I’ve got an older DSD and when we would take her on holiday we’d need to play with her and entertain her in a way that with siblings you often don’t. The same for days out and when you’re at home as otherwise they’re playing alone all day.

Hit a nerve have I?

Coming from a family where both my mum and dad concentrated on their careers, I can tell you from first hand experinence it was shit. I was on my own a lot. So if thats the case, then I stand by my comment. Flexible working is more of a norm now, so maybe its not a case of women being off work for 16 years, like you very dramatically say in your post. My point is that it should be a happy medium, but it sounds like the OP is doing it all. The harsh truth is that it isnt fair to farm you child out because you want to concentrate on your career at the expense of the child. That may be an unpopular opinion these days, but I think its fair.