How much will having a second baby prevent me from living the life I want to live?

[chuckb4ss]

I am 36 and have a 6 month old and it has been no easy feat thus far but I feel I can somewhat see the light at the end of the tunnel as each week passes. I am contemplating a second which would be sooner rather than later but unsure. I want to start my career from scratch in a field that is extremely common and entry level roles are a dime a dozen. My hope is to progress over the long term (early retirement is not of interest to me). I also want some time for myself for keeping fit, self care, and just working on being the best version of myself which I’m not sure if it that sounds quite selfish. My husband hasn’t been the most hands on thus far and whilst I do have family support, I don’t want my parent spending their retirement taking care of my kids. We can afford nursery fees for two etc and finances overall aren’t an issue. I’m just wondering how much of an impact a second can have? I imagine it will push my plans back by a couple of years, my time to myself may be reduced as there may be some extra curricular activities they attend which their sibling doesn’t so means more running around, is there anything else I have missed in terms of how having a second will impact me?

Well yes of course you’ve hit a nerve; I think the majority of working mums feel pulled between home and work but few of us have the financial means to make a real choice about it. In my workplace are no flexible hours offered and if I come out of the workplace then I’d have to retrain. I don’t intend to lose my financial independence and teach my daughter that the career and degree women work hard for should be thrown away.
Also I grew up with parents like that but instead it taught me independence, ambition, that women are equal to men, a close relationship with my sibling, that doing good things in the world is important and that the most important thing is to make time you have together into quality time.

My parents worked, I’ve always had the utmost respect for my mum and she’s my best source of support now that I’m a working mother myself. So for those with a bad experience it’s probably due to bad parenting, not the work itself.

I have two: one is 3y3m and the baby is 1y2m. It is just getting a bit easier now that the baby can walk independently. In non covid times I'd probably be able to go out in the evening if I wanted to, or take a class or run etc. Dc2 is exclusively breastfed though so maybe if I had ff ti could have had more of a life sooner.

If I'm honest though, a 6mo baby isn't really indicative of what a child is like. 6mo babies usually are stationary, nap often, easily amused, fed with milk mostly. For me the really hard stage came at about 20 months when they are very active, very temperamental, eating a lot, not consistent with sleeping through etc. It's honestly the toddler years that are really tough in my experience. Thiugh I was heavily pregnabt/had a newborn throughout most of it. DC1 is getting easier now he is 3 and a bit.

Your husband sounds useless though. 'Not hands on' basically means a shit parent, non?

My second is rounding on three and I feel I'm coming out of the fog. I'm clear of sleepless night, breastfeeding, and very nearly nappies. I don't have to have a baby in my lap on the plane. I'm kicking my career up a notch and I've started writing again, which I haven't done since I was pregnant with #1. I can and did have weekends away on my own. However, this is supported by a 4 day flexible job, a nanny, and a DH who does his bit, plus a 3 year age gap. If you are going to be doing all the parenting and aspire to have a life as well, I would strongly recommend sticking at 1. I would recommend kicking your DH into gear however many you have. You deserve and need the support and your baby deserves two equal parents.

A child coming home from school to an empty house because Mum is still at work and Dad isnt interested, each night? No great is it.
Well if they were under 12 I’d think you’re a pretty crap parent for thinking that is something people do so wouldn’t be interested in your ideas of good parenting. Obviously, the op would sign them up for after school care so they are looked after (if there aren’t grandparents keen to help). Like my child is.

Honestly op depends a lot on the child. But there aren’t that many efficiencies. Dress one, then dress the other. Soothe one, then soothe the other. Help one have a drink while the other screams, then help the other. Adore them but they do take a lot of energy! And a very hands on father to balance the load since I work full time. (Because who can find a good school hours job seriously)

Oh, and unless you absolutely sailed through pregnancy, don't forget to factor in how hard it is being pregnant and still having to parent a baby or toddler. You can't just go to bed when you aren't working like you can in your first pregnancy. I have comparatively easy pregnancies and I worked out in both right up to birth, but I remember chasing my toddler around a garden centre at 35 weeks and completely losing my shit because it was so hard to catch and lift him. I also had a bad bout of anaemia in the first tri and had to take several weeks off work, but I still had to parent.

I thought the same as you and decided to go for it.

I’m now pregnant with twins! I really struggle with one at it is.... so waiting to see how things turns out. 🙈 Twins runs in my family so it’s my own fault really!

Just a warning!

@timeisnotaline yes, id agree that its not great parenting. Hence my comment about it not being great. Im not sure why you're not interested in my views on parenting considering we've agreed its not great. Also, some people DO do that. I see it in my line of work. So I dont just think some people do it, they actually do it.

And user14, yes of course people dont have the choice because of finances. I also work, but I also work flexibly. Im lucky my workplace offers that. This discussion is based on our personal circumstance though, im happy to continue if you want to DM me instead of derailing the OPs thread.

All the OP has said is about her career, she hasnt given her persepctive on child care, what her hours are etc. My argument was perfectly valid in saying her career shouldnt come first. Im not sorry if that offends you, its my perspective.

The comment about your husband is sufficient to say don't have another one. Put it this way, he doesn't do much/anything with one, do you think he will suddenly step with 2! Concentrate on yourself and your child.

@Toddlerandtwinstobe

I thought the same as you and decided to go for it.

I’m now pregnant with twins! I really struggle with one at it is.... so waiting to see how things turns out. 🙈 Twins runs in my family so it’s my own fault really!

Just a warning!

Congratulations and good luck. We did the same. Took us forever to decide after a medically complex first born and then.... Like buses.... DH was always adamant we weren't having 3 but 🥰🥰🥰 three boys

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

And user14, yes of course people dont have the choice because of finances. I also work, but I also work flexibly. Im lucky my workplace offers that. This discussion is based on our personal circumstance though, im happy to continue if you want to DM me instead of derailing the OPs thread.

All the OP has said is about her career, she hasnt given her persepctive on child care, what her hours are etc. My argument was perfectly valid in saying her career shouldnt come first. Im not sorry if that offends you, its my perspective.

You literally said that if she had a second child, she could only work school hours.

All OP said about career was that she intended to change career. Not that she would be working seventy hours a week and travelling all the time.

No I didnt. Another poster said that.

I said that its not great to come home to an empty house each night if the OPs concentrating on her career, and the husband isnt interested. Ive also said in another post that it should be a happy medium.

In my experience having 2 children works best if you take a divide and conquer approach with your partner with things such as night wakings, bedtime routines, keeping the house in a reasonable state etc.

If your partner isn’t doing much to help with one, any resentment that builds up will increase 10 fold with two! Based on what you’ve said, I would strongly suggest you stick with one unless he is prepared to step up.

What @Cauterize said!
I don’t know about your situation OP, I am from a family of four girls and my mum managed to get a new job and buy herself a horse and take us along to the stables etc so if you set your mind to something it is manageable!
Personally, I am stopping at one because I want my own life back and to spend time with my one daughter and be able to do lots of things with her.

I said that its not great to come home to an empty house each night if the OPs concentrating on her career, and the husband isnt interested. Ive also said in another post that it should be a happy medium.

Who sends children below secondary school age home to an empty house these days??? This is what after-school clubs and childminders are for. Mine went straight to a lovely family setting at the childminders. Once they reach secondary school age, they can take themselves to after-school activities or come home if they prefer.

Thats lovely for you and your family. To answer you're question about who does that these days;

1. parents who have kids and parent the same way they were parented. 'It didnt do me any harm' sort of thought process.

2. parents who cant afford childcare but need to work.

3. parents who just dont bother to organise anything.

If you dont think any of these types of families exist, I think you need to perhaps look outside your privaledged situation and realise not all families are the same as yours.

I come across these in my line of work. So, despite your disbelief, they do exist.

Have you thought about pursuing the career first and establishing yourself a bit, then in 2-3 years time revisit the second child idea? By then your first will nearly be at school and you will have a better feel for whether you can (or want) to juggle everything.

I do empathise. I have one and have contemplated a career change for a while, I have been given a fabulous opportunity to retrain but it would pretty much mean not being able to have a second child (I am 38 and the training for the job involves at least 2 years back at uni). I heard a quote today that got me thinking and it was something like 'wanting everything but not being prepared to sacrifice anything is a quick route to difficulties'. Maybe it is about prioritising what is the most important thing to you, and where you want to be in 3, 5 and 10 years and take it from there (easier said than done I know!).

God this is a fairly depressing thread, as I sit here with DS2 (11 weeks old) on my lap, now wondering if I’ve made a horrible mistake 🤣

That said, while I worked, DS1 became the main focus of my life (through my choice) so I had no expectation of getting back to my pre-child life. I reduced my work hours a bit to have some weekday time with him, and DH and I would rotate if we wanted a night off separately to see friends or what ever. We already have sod all family support so rarely managed to get a babysitter for a night out together when we had one child (kept meaning to find a paid sitter but didn’t get around to it).

My heart melts when I see the two of them together and I can’t wait until they are old enough to play together (and yes, argue too, I’m sure!).

I figure we’re in for a tough few years but once DS2 starts sleeping, I’m hoping it’ll be easier. Get him through the toddler years, potty training and get naps behind us, and hoping it’ll get a bit easier again. I love our family weekends out etc though and, while of course everyone needs some time to themselves, I’m happy to spend our spare time with our kids. I’m more worried about that time flying by and suddenly I’ll have two sullen teenagers who don’t want to spend any time with their parents as it’s not cool. But I guess my approach is different to what the OP wants.

Agree with other posters that 6 months old is not a good indication and would wait until your baby is older to make any decision about a second child if you’re not sure.

@FizzingWhizzbee123 thanks so much for this, we are about to start trying for number 2, similar family situation to yours and this thread was really dragging me down! Good to hear something positive!

Having two is utterly awesome! Watching them play together is fab. I actually get to read the paper and have a cup of tea. Friends with just one always say they are being bugged to play etc.