Talking about death to a 5 year old

[HangOnToYourself]

DS is just 5, today he walked into the room and asked me if it was true that one day when he is old he will die. I asked who told him that and he said his daddy (my ex) did so I'm pretty annoyed with him but that's a whole other thread!
I asked if he had been worried about it and he said yes and I asked how it made him feel and he said sad. I had no idea what to say or how to reassure him.
I didnt want to lie so I told him it was true but it was a very very long way away and that he would go to heaven and be with his family (I dont believe in heaven but his little scared face looking at me I didnt know what to say).
I feel churned up about it now and i think that's partly because i cant bear the idea of even thinking about that but I'm worried he is scared and thinking about it but I have no idea how to answer or what to say to him. Can anyone offer any advice on ways to talk about it and what you have said to your children to reassure them?

I can’t say the topic has crept up for us yet, how did that conversation come about!

“I didnt want to lie so I told him it was true but it was a very very long way away and that he would go to heaven and be with his family”- I would’ve said exactly this. He will forget all about it soon hopefully.
There are books you can get, but I’d honestly try not to dwelling the topic! Is he having nightmares or anything?

Dwell on the topic, even!

All 3 of my dc have been interested in the idea of death at 4/5/6, I think at that age they realise that things die, so before being annoyed at the ex maybe find out where the conversation came from?

I am honest with my dc, yes people and others things will eventually die, usually it happens when they are old and their body stops working.

I have no idea how it came up he literally walked into the room and asked me which is why it caught me so much off guard! I asked his dad what on earth he was thinking having that kind of conversation with him but he denies that he did.
I think not dwelling on it is wise I'm just trying to be prepared in case it comes up again as I imagine there are good and bad ways to deal with it

You just need to be factual and n it make it into a big deal, dc are naturally curious. My 4 year old was asking when I would die just the other day, I said hopefully not until I am very old and that was the end of it,

It’s the same as with questions about sex and babies as periods, just be factual and you will find dc are very accepting.

If you have family pets this topic tends to arise naturally. I remember discussing it with my granddaughter around 4 years old. I told her that everybody gets a turn at life and then when their turn is over, they die, usually when old like her Guinea pig and her great grandad.

I appreciate it caught you off guard but it's perfectly normal for a 5 year old to ask thdse sort of questions. I certainly wouldn't be angry at your ex. Explaining it in simple factual terms is the best way to approach it, definitely no wishy washy nonsense about going to sleep so you did the right thing in being direct. Does he have any older relatives or pets through which getting older and dying might come up?

DD lost her first great grandparent at about 6 months. She lost another 2 by the time she was 5 and her favourite at 7. She attended all the funerals. We’ve never hidden the truth of death. Never mentioned heaven. Have answered whatever she asked honestly. Used science - the we are made of stars approach. Let her be sad. Reminded her that we don’t have to forget those we love. And that 1/8th of her “recipe” (before she could understand DNA) came from her favourite GGP.

I lost a sibling as a young child and was shielded from it. 40 years on I’m still dealing with the unresolved grief. It’s not kind to inhibit child growth that way, believe me.

Yes I get what people are saying about bot being angry with the ex I just know him well enough to know it wont have been handled sensitively and will most likely have been said to wind him up (same ex spent the first 3 years of his life in prison for abusing me and currently lives with his ex cell mate and frequently tells DS if he doesnt behave he will get "beatings" which has resulted in the school pulling me to one side to talk about him threatening to give other children "beatings" etc so I have a very short fuse with him)

It's a common age to be interested in this topic. They are often interested in superheroes or goodies shooting baddies then realise dead means something.

When my Dd was 5, there was a few instances of her tearing up about the thought that I would die one day. Hard to console someone when it's true.

The interest is natural, and there is no point lying. I found the best way was to tell DC that they would not die until they are very, very old. Young children find it so inconceivable that they will ever get old that they find this comforting - it's almost like saying it will never happen, but without lying to them.

There is a trickier conversation to be had, once they realise that sometimes people do die at younger age, but I wouldn't tackle this with a 5 year old unless he brings it up,

I’ve always said what you did. That you need to be very old.
My own gran was still alive then so I used her as an example.

Unfortunately we have recently had a death in the family, so the topic has come up with our DC aged 5 and 7.

I don't think there is any right or wrong way of dealing with it. We kept it factual, this is what happened, this is what will happen at the funeral. DC have obviously learned about religion in school, so they asked about going to heaven etc. That prompted conversation about that's what people believe, what did they believe etc. I remember the conversation ending with DS2 who is five talking about baby Jesus getting a helicopter up to heaven after the resurrection. .

I think it's best not to dwell on it too long. Be prepared for more questions when they are ready, but I wouldn't bring it up unprompted.

Thanks for all the responses, some very helpful advice and it's really appreciated

The update about your ex makes it even more important that you're brave about these kinds of topics. Don't skirt around things to avoid your son getting upset. He needs to know that he can bring things up with you and you're not afraid of his emotions.

Be prepared for more questions when they are ready

Also brace for them asking anyone they think of as old when they are going to die

Both mine became very interested in the concept of death at around 5, it’s common.
Like others I told mine that it happens when you’re very old or very poorly. Sadly my brother died when he was neither old nor poorly (tragic accident) so I’ve had to explain that too.
My oldest dwelled on it for a while, my second forgot about it fairly quickly,

My DD is 5 and the topic comes up quite a lot at the moment. She talks a lot about a pet that died 2 years ago and how much she misses him - at the time I said he had gone to heaven, so now she thinks there is a kind of afterlife place called heaven that everyone lives in when they die. I'm happy for her to believe it at this age, she is quite an anxious child so I don't want to upset her. I've told her people and animals die when they are old or very sick and whilst it is sad for the people they leave behind because we don't see them anymore, they are happy because they are in heaven.

Your ex sounds horrendous, sorry to hear that update.

I had non-Heaven success with “being dead isn’t anything to be scared about - you weren’t sad before you were born, were you, because you weren’t anything at all, so you won’t be sad after you die either. Being dead isn’t good or bad, it just Isn’t. Although someone dying can be sad for the people left behind because they miss the dead person and spending time with them”
That leads onto “a good thing to do if you are feeling worried about death is to spend fun time with people now” if required.

When I was little, death was explained to me like a queuing system, in that people and animals and plants had to die to make space for all the new ones being born and growing. Otherwise we'd be overrun with insects if nothing died.

I didn't find it very comforting tbh (using an analogy about pest control when a child is grieving a loved family member is possibly not ideal). There are some nice, reality-based approaches described in this thread though. I do think trying to dodge or lie about this stuff can make it scarier.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Be prepared for more questions when they are ready

Also brace for them asking anyone they think of as old when they are going to die

Oh god I didnt even think of this but this is 100% what he would do 🙈😂

@BestZebbie

I had non-Heaven success with “being dead isn’t anything to be scared about - you weren’t sad before you were born, were you, because you weren’t anything at all, so you won’t be sad after you die either. Being dead isn’t good or bad, it just Isn’t. Although someone dying can be sad for the people left behind because they miss the dead person and spending time with them” That leads onto “a good thing to do if you are feeling worried about death is to spend fun time with people now” if required.

This is a good way of talking about it. I think there is an element of me projecting my own anxieties as I have quite an overwhelming fear of death so part of me thinks he wont be able to handle it because I get quite panicky thinking about it but the advice on here of staying calm and logical I think is very helpful.

is one my children enjoyed around that age, as well as this book - Lifetimes: A Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children Book by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen, I think there is a video version on youtube as well.

There are a lot of resources out there. Personally - as someone who celebrates Día de Muertos, but doesn't believe in an individualistic afterlife - I try to talk about it in an age-appropriate way as part of life though I'm not sure I'd describe my method as reassuring. I do avoid euphemisms like being 'lost' or anything that associates sleep or leaving with death, but I also don't associate it with illness (I don't want them to think every illness is deadly) or old age (they're already aware that's not true). It's part of life like the seasons, we talk about those that have died and our ancestors (looking through findthegrave was interesting for mine). We talk about how we don't know when we'll die, we may have feelings about how we want what's left of us treated after death or what we think comes next or we may not, and that's okay.

BestZebbie puts it very well, and is how we have tackled it. My DCs are 6 and 4yo, and I have unfortunately lost both of my parents in recent years, so this is a topic that has been much discussed. We have answered questions simply but honestly. I agree with the PPs that you tend to get another set of questions days or weeks later once they have processed the last lot of answers. The hardest thing for me has been the blunt and matter of fact way they talk about their GPs having died sometimes (when the grief for me is still strong), but that is just a reflection of the "it's just a part of life" way we have explained it to them. The most important things for me was not to include anything about a heaven, because as comforting as that can be it is not what we believe, and to ensure they understood that death is permanent and GPs would not be coming back.

It isn't a nice topic to have to talk about, but I don't think hiding it does any good.

On a similarly awkward-to-discuss topic OP, it might be worth thinking about how you are going to handle the 'where babies come from' subject now, if you haven't already. That is another that has the opportunity to totally catch you unawares. Much easier if you already know how you will navigate around the bits they aren't ready to learn just yet.

The most important things for me was not to include anything about a heaven, because as comforting as that can be it is not what we believe, and to ensure they understood that death is permanent and GPs would not be coming back

I'm a non-believer too, but the heaven thing is tricky because they will get told repeatedly by other people that heaven is where dead relatives/pets are. So it's confusing for them if their parents don't mention it at all. I found that, even at 4-5, you can have a simple conversation, explaining the concept and that some people believe it - and that it's up to the child to decide what to believe. One of mine decided to believe in it for pets but not humans - which tells you something about a 5 year old's priorities