How do you deal with a disrespectful husband?

[Margo34]

Really noticed since baby arrived, she's 14 weeks now.
He can't settle her and gets really frustrated with her to the extent I don't trust him not to hurt her and have to intervene.
He won't get involved with bathtime 'because he's scared' but he'll happily take that time I'm bathing her to enjoy /waste to himself.
He doesn't help with bedtine and has a go at me when I take her upstairs to bed at 9pm. He'll happily enjoy that time to himself in front of TV/on the sofa then get himself ready for bed and jump into bed with a cheery 'goodnight' even if I'm still settling baby at 10/10.30pm 'well what am I supposed to do?' - you are supposed to help, join in, or over to take over for a bit so I can rest too.
He either gets up with her begrudgingly with an 'ALRIGHT!' in the night or not at all. He never offers, I always have to ask/tell him to help eg with winding, nappy, cuddle for comfort. She's breastfed and sometimes I'm up an hour at a time with her, he won't help for 10 mins without a fight. Apparently it is more important for him to sleep than us all to get sleep.
He'll hold her for 15mins max and so doesn't understand her cues. Then gets frustrated when she cries. It's a vicious cycle. 'She's tired. She's bored. She wants a cuddle. She's cold...' etc.
He says, after 15mins of holding her, that we beef to give each other an hour a day for ourselves. I'm lucky if I get an hour a month to do pilates. He takes mornings to himself, extends his day WFH to himself by staying upstairs and piddling about online for a couple of extra hours before wandering down 'what's for dinner...?', he takes her bedtime as time for himself, he takes 40mins 3x a week for exercise to himself, he takes shower time to himself, he takes twice weekly virtual pub time to himself. It's not reciprocal. We're not a team. I feel I'm being disrespected and when I raise any of it with him or ask for time to myself that he acknowledges we should give each other, I get a 'so....?' response. I can't even shower alone without him ringing her up in the bouncy chair to watch me so he gets MY shower time to himself too.
AIBU to expect some help parenting? She's EBF but that doesn't mean he gets a free ticket to do nothing!

How do you and your partners share parenting?

God, he sounds awful. My husband and I share it completely. My baby is also EBF but he does 90% of nappies, most of the winding, we do bath time together, he will hold the baby for naps or settle him in his cot, he takes him out for walks so I can sleep, plays with him etc. In every single respect except feeding he does as much as me or more than me.

Your husband is being deeply selfish and unfair - she’s as much his baby as yours and therefore as much his responsibility.

That is insane, and you are definitely not being unreasonable to expect more of him.

My mum gave wise advice when my first DD was born. Totally meddling (!), but she pulled my DH aside as I was giving birth. She said: breastfeeding a newborn and recovering from birth are a full-time job of themselves. So, the mama doesn’t lift a finger for the first month except to feed the baby.”

It was a challenge that DH (thankfully!) took to heart, at least the first 2 weeks while he was off work. I didn’t do a single diaper change or outfit change, and I only settled the baby (apart from feeding) maybe 1/2 the time. At first DH asked “how am I supposed to know what to do?” But my mum’s reply was “how is the mum supposed to know any better than you are? What extra information does she have that you don’t have?” He stepped up to the plate in a major way, and 3 years (and another kid!) later he still probably does 60% of the childcare (I have a really intense job that requires a lot of travel).

I might ask your DH the same: why should you be any better at this than him? And then maybe (Covid restrictions permitting) actually leave him to figure it out for a couple of hours between feeds. Set a time each day when you get some space to yourself and go for an hour’s walk. It will be good for him and for the baby to have some bonding time!

Could be a tough conversation and adjustment though. Good luck!

my ex was the same. he won't get better. you need to end it. sorry.

If you don’t trust him not to hurt baby?! Err that is a major concern!

I’d be making plans to escape. He clearly is not a decent human being and is showing his true colours.

It sounds like he doesn’t think caring for baby is his responsibility at all and I don’t know how you overcome that. Have you actually had it out with him?

I have a ten week old and my partner is out of the house 6am-5pm Monday to Friday. He picks up groceries on the way home and cooks dinner for us. When he arrives home he takes the baby to give me a break and then we all go out for a walk together. We bath baby together and I dress her while he starts the dishes. We chat in the nursery when I breastfeed (couple time! Hah) and then he takes over settling while I finish the dishes.

OP congratulations on the birth of your baby- they are wonderful but a bomb going off in your life & the parents tend to scatter to opposite corners which is not unusual and you are in this position. He’s shit scared and worried and because it’s easier he’s taking it out on you. Agree with PP tough conversation around you are both learning and he has to dive in. I nearly chewed my arm off trying not to tell my DH odd dangling the baby by its ankle ( joking but that’s how it feels with raging hormones when your DH does the smallest thing wrong ie you saying he doesn’t know her clues). He doesn’t know her clues because he hasnt spent time with her learning them. He needs to make meals is number one! He needs to spend day 2 solid hours a day with her at least while you leave the building and go for a walk ( sleep in the car under a duvet round the corner). Start there, small steps - he has to get involved and I think he wants to but is not going to admit it’s a thousand percent harder then he imagines and he is scared. I bet he’s a high achiever & used to getting his own way which doesn’t work with a baby

My DH is the same. Everything he ever did for my daughter had to be filmed or photograph so he could tell his parents.
My daughter is seriously disabled so it’s extra difficult.
Does he care...no! 3 years on and I’m desperate to leave.
Don’t be me.
Tell him directly he needs to do very specific things and not to do others, or you are done with him.
You don’t need an adult child on top of your baby

I'd find it hard to believe that you didn't see this coming. Men like this make it obvious as to who they are. Did you think he would change when the baby was born? The fact you can't trust him with the baby says it all, really.

This is so unfair OP, you really should sit and talk to him about ways he can help out more so it's more of a team effort. If he doesn't change after that then it's time to start plan B - the getaway.

Get the hell out, ASAP. You and your infant deserve love and respect. Fuck him

My husband did the same. Two years later, we're at the point of divorce. Don't be a walkover, set boundaries. It's something I never did- it felt easier to do it all myself but the bitterness and resentment soon set in.

What do you mean he might hurt her? This is very worrying

40 years ago this was typical. it's not really the done thing now but an easy default setting for many men.
unless you want to go straight to plan b, and leave i suggest easy wins for him.
easiest is the stroller ride around the block/preferably longer.
maybe other posters can help identify a few other easy wins so he becomes accustomed to being with the little one alone.

Sounds just like my partner when we had our daughter 7 years ago. 7 years on abs he isn't any better. Walk away.

Jesus, you don't trust him not to lose his shit and hurt her?? Notwithstanding everything you've mentioned about his selfish behaviour, this is completely unacceptable.

I would be telling him it's time to shape up or ship out, and any sign of aggressive behaviour towards the baby and he'll be dealing with the police. He needs to understand how serious this is and how serious you are about it ending now.

@aquamarine1029
No, didn't see it coming. We're in our second decade together and it wasn't this way before. We didn't have a baby before either though.

His attitude stinks OP. I don't think you can change it though. This is his daughter, he should want to do these things.

My DH has Aspergers and when baby was tiny he found it hard to know what to do and he didn't know how to talk to her. I had to be quite direct in terms of his tone and help him get to grips with things (sensory overload can be an issue) but she's 6m now and he's great with her. When he's home (key worker) he easily does his share of nappy changes, winding etc. DD is ebf so he can't do that but he runs around doing house jobs when I feed and has always said he can't do the feeding but he can do other things to help whilst I feed her.

He gets more alone time than me, but he does his best to give me some. He suggested the other day that he take DD out for a couple hours on his day off so I can have a proper break without hearing her chatting or yelling or playing and have more of a chance to switch off. He adores her, I'm so proud of him and his relationship with her. His family are a bit peculiar and very emotionally unavailable, it's amazing to visibly see how much he loves DD.

You take your baby and you leave. You report him to SS.

Time for a proper 'wtf are you playing at' conversation OP. I doubt it will do any good but at least you'll know you tried. Single parenthood is actually easier than trying to coparent with someone who lets you and DC down constantly ime and I think it's something you'll probably have to consider unless he has a sudden epiphany when you speak to him. You and DC deserve better than this though so he needs to step up or fuck off.

If you can't trust him not to hurt her, you need to fucking leave. It might be inconvenient and upsetting and hard for you, but it's not about you anymore. You might have been happy to put up with this sort of behaviour before, but you have a child now and she deserves better. She can't protect herself. it is your job to protect her.

"to the extent I don't trust him not to hurt her and have to intervene"

That's really worrying op I am a first time dad with DD who is now 22 months. It's not easy and takes practice but he should be fully engaged in learning and supporting - especially cooking cleaning etc.

He should have had an instinct that kicks in to protect and support his wife and child - he hasn't accepted he is a parent at all. Babies soon grow into toddlers and it's even harder.

It's crunch time - either step up NOW and FULLY engage as an adult man with a wife and a infant or fuck off and be a man child elsewhere.

There's brilliant resource on YouTube called dad university -

I think you need to lay it all out and have a proper talk with him, at a time when the baby's asleep. Tell him:

• Exactly what you expect of him (I know he should know already, but this is about solving the problem not being in the right) - he may not be fully aware of the huge amount of work involved in parenting if he's only at the fringes of it
• That this isn't the 1960s - parenting and free time should be shared equally. This means that if he has 40 minutes 3 times a week for his hobby, you get that time elsewhere in the week. This should be non-negotiable
• It's OK for him to be frustrated with a crying baby, but he can never act on this. He will deal with it better with time.
• If you are working with the baby, he should be working around the house - so if you're feeding the baby and there are pots to wash, he should be doing it. This is the fairest way to parent and keeps resentment to a minimum
• It's OK for him not to be a perfect dad at this stage and to read all the baby's signals first time. This will come with practice - which will come by spending time with her alone without you to bail him out!

I agree he sounds pretty nasty right now, but theres a chance he just doesn't realise what he needs to do to step up. Have the talk, then if there's no change consider your options. Best of luck

My exh was the same. We divorced in the end. It wasn't that he couldn't adjust and join in with parenting his child it was the fact that he didn't want to despite really wanting to be a dad. 🤷🏻‍♀️

‘I don’t trust him not to hurt her’ you should not be in the same building as him, obviously.

Did he want to be a father? Do you think he loves her? It sounds as though (apart from the selfishness) he is also frustrated at his lack of ability with the baby. I know people will howl that it shouldn't be necessary but have you spent time showing him how to do things with her, showing him you do trust him to be able to look after her?