How do you deal with a disrespectful husband?

[Margo34]

Really noticed since baby arrived, she's 14 weeks now.
He can't settle her and gets really frustrated with her to the extent I don't trust him not to hurt her and have to intervene.
He won't get involved with bathtime 'because he's scared' but he'll happily take that time I'm bathing her to enjoy /waste to himself.
He doesn't help with bedtine and has a go at me when I take her upstairs to bed at 9pm. He'll happily enjoy that time to himself in front of TV/on the sofa then get himself ready for bed and jump into bed with a cheery 'goodnight' even if I'm still settling baby at 10/10.30pm 'well what am I supposed to do?' - you are supposed to help, join in, or over to take over for a bit so I can rest too.
He either gets up with her begrudgingly with an 'ALRIGHT!' in the night or not at all. He never offers, I always have to ask/tell him to help eg with winding, nappy, cuddle for comfort. She's breastfed and sometimes I'm up an hour at a time with her, he won't help for 10 mins without a fight. Apparently it is more important for him to sleep than us all to get sleep.
He'll hold her for 15mins max and so doesn't understand her cues. Then gets frustrated when she cries. It's a vicious cycle. 'She's tired. She's bored. She wants a cuddle. She's cold...' etc.
He says, after 15mins of holding her, that we beef to give each other an hour a day for ourselves. I'm lucky if I get an hour a month to do pilates. He takes mornings to himself, extends his day WFH to himself by staying upstairs and piddling about online for a couple of extra hours before wandering down 'what's for dinner...?', he takes her bedtime as time for himself, he takes 40mins 3x a week for exercise to himself, he takes shower time to himself, he takes twice weekly virtual pub time to himself. It's not reciprocal. We're not a team. I feel I'm being disrespected and when I raise any of it with him or ask for time to myself that he acknowledges we should give each other, I get a 'so....?' response. I can't even shower alone without him ringing her up in the bouncy chair to watch me so he gets MY shower time to himself too.
AIBU to expect some help parenting? She's EBF but that doesn't mean he gets a free ticket to do nothing!

How do you and your partners share parenting?

He sounds absolutely dreadful. I’d be telling him he starts acting like the husband and father you both need or he can get out. You’ll probably find it easier when he’s not there.

The fact you worry that he’ll hurt her is terrifying.

@justilou1 report him for what?

He sounds awful OP. Do you have anyone else around to help you out? He might get better as the baby gets easier, but maybe not. If he wont listen, will he read a letter?

Sounds very difficult for you and not to mention he's missing out on a relationship with his child.
It's definitely not right that you're lumped with all the work you are both the parents. My son was ebf but there was plenty of other stuff i could do as well if not better eg nappy change, holding him to sleep, playing with him, walking him in the pram or pushchair for hours to nap etc etc.
Presumably in his mind kids are the mother's job, does that reflect his own parents setup? It's hard to break the example set by your own parents and none of this springs out until you actually hit that circumstance.
Another thing is he might not know what his role is and not have that learning mindset. I know i struggled with role models for the kind of father to me, for mothers there are loads of ways to get involved that are presumed, but for fathers it's that little bit more difficult to get involved.
Hope that but of perspective helps, but fundamentally it's not ok, and it's on him. Best of luck,

you need to get out if you feel he might be aggressive towards your baby. seriously. I know you'll have to do everything, and that seems daunting, but trust me that all the things you do now will seem so much less like hard work when you're no longer burning with resentment at him being sat on his arse somewhere. your worry and your fear that he might hurt her is a heavy burden to carry as well, this will be churning away in your subconscious all the time, and your baby will be picking up on it. you will be surprised at how much easier it is alone.

My exh was like this, any excuse to do nothing around the house and with the kids. We dragged on for a few years until I could no longer stand the sight of him or contain my resentment and anger over his behaviour and the damage it had done to my career.

But I never once thought he might harm them, that's different, if that's the case you need to leave now. Women end up going to prison and being vilified in the media over that kind of thing. I read a headline just last week 'mum jailed for allowing dad to murder baby' - nothing about the murdering pig himself grrrrrrrr.

I get up with DS (7 months) in the morning (thankfully he sleeps through the night). DH gets up at 7.30am and takes him for a cuddle whilst I have a coffee before heading to his office (WFH). He works from 8.30 - 5 so I entertain DS during the day but DH will make me lunch and come through occasionally to offer coffee. When he finishes work at 5pm he comes straight through and plays with DS whilst I make him a coffee. DH baths him and I get him ready for bed. DH does last bottle feed and settles him into his cot while I deal with the washing. Once DS is sleeping, DH will make us dinner and then do the dishes which allows me to sit and relax/watch the soaps/go for a shower.

I could not and would not put up with a DH like yours. My mum always told me, 'you get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated'. Please don't put up with his lack of support, respect or consideration. You and your DD deserve better!

This isn’t on. Our baby is EBF so I do all the night wakes. DH offered to help but, tbh, he’s more use to me during the day time to help wrangle our older child if he’s had a decent night. We’ve discussed expressing but too much faff and baby prefers breast and doesn’t settle properly after a bottle. DH would help resettle after the feed but I don’t see any point in us both being exhausted, so I’ve encouraged him to sleep in the spare room. It’s my choice, I know he’d help more at night if I let him but I prefer to have the extra help in the mornings.

So I do all night, but then DH gets up with our toddler at 6-7am, feeds and dresses him and gets him to nursery. He then takes the baby when he gets home from 8-10am so I can catch up on some sleep, then hands baby back and log straight on for work. Sometimes he’s already working with baby in the sling.

During the day, he pops in and out as he know I get trapped under the baby, to make sure I’ve got food and drink etc.

As soon as he logs off work around 5, he collects the eldest from nursery or sorts his dinner if he’s already at home. I’ll then sit with both kids while eldest has a bit of tv and DH has a break. He then baths the eldest and often the baby too, I do stories and tuck in. He changes most of the nappies. He holds the baby most of the evening so I can eat my dinner in peace, as he knows I’ll be up all night.

On weekends, he takes the baby more during the day. Sometime he takes the toddler to the park with baby in a sling so I get an hour to myself.

In short, your DH isn’t doing nearly enough and baby being EBF or “not knowing what to do” are not adequate excuses. It’s worrying you think he might hurt the baby. You need to have a serious discussion or make some big decisions.