Deciding whether to have another child with a massive age gap since having the first

[DappledOliveGroves]

I'm going round in circles and really need to make my mind up as to what to do.

I have a DD who is almost 20. I had her as a teenager. I'm now 38, almost 39, and trying to decide whether to start trying to get pregnant.

I had always wanted more children. For various reasons it didn't happen. I was a single parent for a lot of the time with DD.

DP and I started TTC last June and I got pregnant first time. Had a MMC at 10 weeks which was horrible and traumatic.

I started a new job in September and as such, put TTC on hold until I had an idea about how the job was going. So far it's fine.

I'm now in a position to decide if we take the plunge and start TTC again, or if I draw a line and go back on the pill. It's driving me mad and I don't know what to do for the best. DP also has adult children from his first marriage.

I absolutely want to be pregnant. I want to experience pregnancy again. What I'm worried about is the child rearing for another 2 decades and going back to square one.

I loved from when DD was aged 3 to 11 or so. It was a lovely time. Baby years were hard as she didn't sleep, and teenager years were pretty awful too. She's now doing really well and we have a very close relationship.

I worry about lack of sleep if we have a baby. I worry massively in case it isn't healthy. I worry about having a child and regretting it. I worry about getting postnatal depression. But I just deep down want to get pregnant. I can't reconcile this desire to get pregnant with the worry about having another child. What if I didn't love the child, what if it went off the rails, what if it became a fanatic or serial killer?

I didn't worry about any of this when I was pregnant with DD. I desperately wanted a child and never entertained the notion that she would be anything other than perfect. And I was so lucky. Now I'm consumed with fear and am so jealous of people who have large families with healthy children and who didn't have to agonise over the decision of whether to have more.

If someone tells me to draw a line and not have more then it feels like a kick in the stomach. My instincts want me to get pregnant. My rational head thinks we could have a very nice lifestyle, early retirement and a fair amount of money if we didn't have a child. But then it's closing the door on my dreams of having further children.

Has anyone been in this position? What did you do? Do you have any regrets?

Not in your exact position no, but I was 37 when I had my second pregnancy. You can totally do it, you'll be fine and if you don't it'll be a regret you'll always have. Good luck!

I don’t see the age gap as being as issue. As long as you are healthy enough and financially able to, I would go for it.

Hi OP

I'm same age as you with DC age 6 and 4 and I am driving myself mad thinking about having a third.

However I very much think this is my body wanting a last baby before I hit peri menopause or something. And I get that panicking feeling of quick quick before it's too late.

Do you not want to enjoy your freedom and independence. Also like me I wonder if you're looking at some years through rose tinted glasses. Imagine being in your 50's going through teenager years again. Oh and all the sleepless zombie nights of no sleep. Teething, weaning, potty training....

After many hours of debate I realised I want to be pregnant, give birth and have a baby but then not do the whole toddler onwards thing so ultimately I am not going ahead.

Kids are always a blessing but want to provide you with a different view. Good luck with whatever you decide! x

Not in exactly the same situation but there is 15 years between my eldest daughter and my twins. Although really wanted more children it was hard with twins. I couldn't go back to work for what seemed like ages but my eldest helped loads as DH worked abroad a lot.
I was 36 when pregnant and by the time they started school I did feel the oldest mum in the playground. I look at friends whose kids are all grown up now and do feel we are still tied for a fair few years yet. Compounded with elderly parents it's hard.
Don't get me wrong I love my kids very much, I'm so grateful they are all healthy and happy and as a family we are very close.
I would say go for it but be fully aware of possibly having a multiple birth as the chances increase with age.

I have a similar age gap between my eldest and youngest.

I'd say that having this kind of age gap has positives and negatives. On the plus side you have so much more patience and experience , I trust my instincts so much more as an older mum. The downside would be the physical stuff that comes with age. My last pregnancy absolutely knackered me! I had horrid back pain and had to take maternity leave far earlier than I wanted to because of this. Also , the sleepiness nights are harder , I believe I'm entering perimenopause right now and I have a 3 year old that is cutting molars and therefore not sleeping well. It's bloody hard.

*sleepless

Ironically if it were twins I'd be elated - my best friend has twin boys and seeing how close they are and how they play together is lovely!

Where we live is full of older parents so I'm not too worried about that. My biggest concern is what if I went ahead and something went wrong, or the child had additional needs, and I spent the rest of my life regretting it.

So many people - where people are asking if they should have a third or fourth child - are told they should be thankful that they have healthy children and not risk having a child which might turn out to have health issues of some sort. For some reason, though, this is never mentioned when deciding whether to go from one to two children.

I suppose I'm so used to having had a child - from being a teenager onwards - that a lot of my identity is wrapped up in being a mother. I really don't know what the life plan would be if we didn't have a child.

Getting pregnant is a risk for everyone. Under 40 if you want to I would go for it. Depends on how much you like your life as it is now and how much you want the big changes baby will bring. Depends on where you see yourself in 10,15,20 years.

It would be like having a separate second family - the baby will mostly likely not feel like a sibling to your DD. How would you feel about that, and how would she? Would she feel replaced?

I’m not saying don’t do it - just be prepared for it to be a difficult family dynamic. I would talk to your daughter if you haven’t already and ascertain her feelings so you can deal with them sensitively.

I think DD feels conflicted. When I was pregnant, before the miscarriage, she had mixed views. She's been living abroad for the last 15 months so not sure if she'd feel more involved if she was living at home.

I think she feels that any baby I had would have a proper family, that she didn't have (her father buggered off as soon as I got pregnant and she has no relationship with him). On the flip side, she had a very close relationship with my mother, who was like a second parent to her in many ways, but who now has severe dementia and is in a care home, so any baby we have wouldn't have a relationship with my mother at all. So it's swings and roundabouts.

I worry whether I'd love a second baby as much as I love DD.

I think you'd be crazy. To conceive and birth during a pandemic is madness, with medical care compromised and social activities curbed. Environmentally, the planet is in a disastrous state and is only going to get worse. The future for our children is scary. I'd definitely not have children now and one is enough.

My siblings are older than me (10 and 20 years respectively) and we do not get along. Everyone’s different though, it could just be my weird dynamic and work perfectly fine for your children.

They used to lecture me a lot, act like a literal pseudo parent, be really bossy and controlling etc. Partially because my parents were more relaxed parenting me in comparison to my siblings as they had mellowed out with age, so my siblings were resentful that I was treated “better” in comparison to their childhoods.

We never really got that normal sibling experience, we didn’t share the same friends or know what was going on each other’s lives etc.

I agree with @Terracottasaur that your children may not “feel like siblings”. That’s certainly how I feel anyway.

I don't feel too concerned about sibling relationships. I think DD would be excited and involved as and when she's around but I don't have an expectation that they'd have a normal sibling relationship so to speak. I do hope that DD would be able to help bridge any generation gap and help provide dialogue and understanding during the teenage years. But she may well have her own children by then.

I worry about tiredness and being too old. But then again I do need less sleep now than I did when I had DD as a teenager, so I ought to be able to manage....

I have a 26 year old, an 18 year old and 10 year old. All get on great. Not exactly the same position but it gives a 16 year age gap between my first and my last. It has enabled me to be able to do the fun family things for longer, made Christmases more fun etc. I'm very happy I had my (unplanned) third child! I would totally go for it.

I have a massive age gap between my dd's 23years.
Dd2 was a surprise baby I didn't find out I was pregnant until was 5 months.
I definitely wouldn't have planned another child @38.
Sometimes what's for you doesn't go by you.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

@ParkheadParadise notwithstanding the unplanned aspect, how have you found things? Is your daughter healthy? How does your older child feel? Do you have a strong bond with your youngest? Sorry for all the questions!

Do it! I’ve got 15 years between my daughter and son and I’m 6 months pregnant. Don’t regret it at all.

@DappledOliveGroves
My dd2 was born on her due date healthy. She's 5 now started school in August. She's one of the best things to happen to us.

My eldest is 27, my youngest 3.

Family can make room for all sorts.

The worry of loving another child as much as your first is true for most I would say, but your love just doubles, so I wouldn't worry about that.

But your other worries are all totally valid, and I wouldn't just take the advice of a stranger saying 'go for it' when they don't know your personal situation. Only you know how you will feel if the child wasn't healthy. How much income you have and how it will impact your retirement etc.

My youngest is only 4 and even now I can't imagine going back to square 1 with all the sleepless nights and stress it brings to a relationship. And IMO it does put a big strain on the relationship.
If it were me I would enjoy spending time with my DH uninterrupted, spend time on myself, gym, spa, holidays, gardening, reading, water sports, spontaneous sex. Ahhh. A woman can dream 😅
It may not be long before you're a grandma yourself, then you can enjoy them and also give them back 😁

@ThisIsM all very valid points! But then I think of the fun that one can have as a family too. I've done lots of exotic holidays over the last five years, with DP, so don't feel deprived if we did family stuff. I just want to go to Disney World with young children . I went there three times with DD and they're the happiest memories.

My dad was born when my grandparents were 40 and had two much older siblings (they had a miscarriage with an oopsie baby the year before and then decided they really wanted it).

They were fine, my uncle aunt doted on my dad (they are still incredibly close).

It's doable. But just make sure you don't rely on your daughter to help as that can breed resentment

DD is currently living on the other side of the world, and when she gets back will be living in London for uni, so no expectation at all for her to look after any potential baby. Though am sure she'd be very up for holidays to Orlando with us all 😅.

@DappledOliveGroves I would be too. Will you take me :)