Deciding whether to have another child with a massive age gap since having the first

[DappledOliveGroves]

I'm going round in circles and really need to make my mind up as to what to do.

I have a DD who is almost 20. I had her as a teenager. I'm now 38, almost 39, and trying to decide whether to start trying to get pregnant.

I had always wanted more children. For various reasons it didn't happen. I was a single parent for a lot of the time with DD.

DP and I started TTC last June and I got pregnant first time. Had a MMC at 10 weeks which was horrible and traumatic.

I started a new job in September and as such, put TTC on hold until I had an idea about how the job was going. So far it's fine.

I'm now in a position to decide if we take the plunge and start TTC again, or if I draw a line and go back on the pill. It's driving me mad and I don't know what to do for the best. DP also has adult children from his first marriage.

I absolutely want to be pregnant. I want to experience pregnancy again. What I'm worried about is the child rearing for another 2 decades and going back to square one.

I loved from when DD was aged 3 to 11 or so. It was a lovely time. Baby years were hard as she didn't sleep, and teenager years were pretty awful too. She's now doing really well and we have a very close relationship.

I worry about lack of sleep if we have a baby. I worry massively in case it isn't healthy. I worry about having a child and regretting it. I worry about getting postnatal depression. But I just deep down want to get pregnant. I can't reconcile this desire to get pregnant with the worry about having another child. What if I didn't love the child, what if it went off the rails, what if it became a fanatic or serial killer?

I didn't worry about any of this when I was pregnant with DD. I desperately wanted a child and never entertained the notion that she would be anything other than perfect. And I was so lucky. Now I'm consumed with fear and am so jealous of people who have large families with healthy children and who didn't have to agonise over the decision of whether to have more.

If someone tells me to draw a line and not have more then it feels like a kick in the stomach. My instincts want me to get pregnant. My rational head thinks we could have a very nice lifestyle, early retirement and a fair amount of money if we didn't have a child. But then it's closing the door on my dreams of having further children.

Has anyone been in this position? What did you do? Do you have any regrets?

“
I worry about tiredness and being too old. But then again I do need less sleep now than I did when I had DD as a teenager, so I ought to be able to manage....”

I had our second at nearly 40, only 9 year gap and they’re fabulous together as adult and nearly adult.
I know I was a much more relaxed, less stressed and happier mum second time round, much of which I think was due to my age. Baby was much more laid back too 🤷‍♀️

I do think I'd be more relaxed. We have a nice house, nice neighbourhood filled with families, savings, good careers. But Christ, the worry about whether it's a good idea or not. I was so utterly oblivious, when I had DD, to all the horror and things that could go wrong in life. I knew theoretically that nothing could be guaranteed in terms of a healthy baby but was blissfully unaware of the heartache and stress that children bring.

I still sleep awfully because I worry about what DD is up to on the other side of the world. If she's sad for any reason, or stressed, then that still directly impacts on me and my mood reflects hers. Thankfully she was a very happy child and had no trouble at school until sixth form, but the thought of having a child that struggles socially or is bullied just breaks my heart.

Certainly life would be easier if I didn't have a child. I'd have fewer grey hairs. But then I dream of being pregnant again, wake up and realise I'm not, and feel so sad.

We have also had some great Orlando holidays, made better by having a younger one with us. Honestly, I think he has made everything more fun.

Dd2 has definitely brought laughter into our lives.
Also been on great holidays since she arrived.

Just go for it I say!

It sounds like you really want it, tbh. I think you might look back with a lot of regret if you don’t go for it.

I’m 32 and I have two brothers in their early 50’s!

It's so hard. One reads horror stories where someone decided to have one last baby and then something went wrong, or the child had lifelong disabilities, and the marriage fell apart and the woman regrets her decision, can't work, has no life and wishes she'd never gone down that route.

I know DP worries that about the things that can go wrong. He had his children when he was in his twenties and was blithely relaxed about the whole thing. I think my miscarriage really caught him off guard as he just expected that the pregnancy would be fine and there'd be a baby at the end of it. I was more cautious, worried a lot and was very aware that many people I knew had miscarried. I'm quite superstitious and worry that the miscarriage was a sign that I shouldn't have more children and should be content with what I've got.

But then I want to go through pregnancy, I want to breastfeed again, I want to go on family holidays and to nativity plays. I just don't want to have a child, ruin everyone's life (including the child) and regret the decision.

@DappledOliveGroves I feel your pain. Slightly different situation. My DS’s are 18 & 15 and I really want a 3rd child with my husband. I am 42 and he is 47 so I just don’t think age is on our side. People say why would you want to go back to sleepless nights/nappies etc. but I genuinely loved it when my kids were babies. I also can’t get the thought out of my head and whenever I think of not going ahead it really upsets me. Sorry, don’t have any really advice other than you have to do what’s right for you. I think we are probably not going to go ahead, but that’s more age related than anything. There is always a risk with any pregnancy, I just think as we get older, we think about it more. Good luck with your decision.

I'm 16 years older than my only sibling.
She is my absolute best friend.
Best thing that happened to our family.

Mum was 23 when she had me and 39 when she had my sister and says the second time was much easier.

@Flo0109 a lot of people can't understand why I'd want another child when on paper I could live the life of Riley. Mortgage will be paid off fairly soon, we have money, holidays, nice car. But honestly, the years when DD was at primary school were just so wonderful. Christmas was brilliant, Easter, her birthday parties. It was such a lovely time and I'd so like to do that again.

@DappledOliveGroves I completely agree. I really miss having younger children around. I did initially like the freedom of my older DS’s being more independent but miss all the things we used to do. Like you say, holidays, Christmas etc. I keep thinking maybe being stuck home for 9 months due to COVID hasn’t helped the situation and worry that is what is causing my feelings but I have always wanted a 3rd but was never the right time due to moving etc.
People say just wait til you are grandparents, you can enjoy them then give them back but I want the whole thing lol!

@DappledOliveGroves I could have written a lot of your original post!!

Practically the same age gap between my first and currently pregnant with my second.

Only you know your family dynamic & reasons for wanting a second child / the age gap. I do not regret it in the slightest - very much planned (ask me this again during the teen years!!). My first is probably more excited than myself or dad for the new arrival! And honestly it's been the best bit of the pregnancy - watching her reaction and excitement. Obviously I have no idea about your daughter / family dynamics, but families always have their ups and downs. I couldn't imagine having 2 close together, but yet a lot of people do. Different horses, different courses.

And the whole 'not feeling like siblings' - my first has decided to stay home for uni to form a daily close relationship with her sibling. No pressure from me, or even gave her the idea - all from her. It's very sweet. Myself and youngest sibling have 15 years, and 5 years between myself and middle brother - I am much closer to my youngest, but that's because of personalities not 'feeling'. So yeah; only you know your family dynamics - good luck