I have no clue what to do with my child, please help!

[supermum128]

Hello fellow mums!!

I recently found out by accident that my 14 year old daughter has been texting and calling a boy who is 18 years old and I don't know what to do about it.

I want to be a reliable and good parent and my gut tells me this boy is trying to exploit her but I don't want to be the uncool strict mom who doesn't let her experience anything.

Help????!!

Well the boy is pretty much committing a crime, so you tell your daughter it ends now. Did they meet only online or do they know each other IRL?

Since when is it a crime for an 18 year old to talk (text) to a 14 year old?
What crime is he committing? None that the OP says. They are texting and talking. Wow. If it wasn't for covid they could be at school together. Not in the same classes but could meet in the library, drama club, canteen, football field, lesson support group.... and dozens more places.
Are 6th form kids meant to stop communication with the younger students they day they turn 18?
Crime? Really?

@Ilovemaisie
We don't know the content of the messages but I highly doubt they're purely platonic. What 18yo wants to mix with a 14 year old girl anyways?

Have you seen the messages? I’d be concerned. My son is 17, nearly 18 and would have zero interest in a 14 year old girl.
Talk to her, see what she has to say and go from there. Is she a sensible girl?

Let’s also consider the possibility that perhaps she has lied about his age and told him she is older than he is. She wouldn’t be the first girl to do that.

I would find that out first before painting this guy as a groomer.

If she has been honest and he does know she’s 14 then don’t worry about being ‘uncool’ and put a stop to it.

As another poster said, 18 year old boys are not generally sociable with 14 year old girls unless there is some kind of motive.

Lied about her age - obviously.

But you're supposed to be the uncool strict mum that's literally your job as a parent! Nip it in the bud now, no 18 year old should have any interest in a 14 year old.

Trust your gut and be open with your daughter about your concerns. Look at some healthy relationship material with her so she understands what control and exploitation is herself. Monitor the texts and calls. Explain to her that at 14 you are responsible for her welfare, and you have to make decisions together to ensure she is safe. Tell her you trust her but you have more experience of men so want to make sure she is safe. If there is any way of finding out more about him do, fb search or through mutual friends. It could be perfectly innocent unfortunately in my experience it wasn't.

Ok you need to see the content of the messages etc, you pay the broadband/ contract etc you get to see.

Find out who he is, is he actually 18

Tell him your daughters age and explain you do not allow any further contact

I would plan a side by side activity where you can chat without confrontation or pressure like walking the dog or washing up. I would chatter about your day and hers and weave the theme into your chat.
I would mention that you are concerned about both members of the friendship as you wouldn’t want the lad to be in trouble but that it is your job to be on her side of things.
Listen and see what you can hear.

Ask her if when she is 18 she would want a 14yr old boyfriend...she will say yuck no way which can open up a conversation about why it’s not ok the other way either

MiddleClassMother some 18 year olds can have a shared interest with 14 year olds. It's not unusual. Maybe they have been texting about a shared interest in chess or gardening.
Ok. Probably not but I still can't understand why you think the 18 year old is "pretty much committing a crime". What crime? It's not illegal for 18 year olds to communicate with 14 year olds.
From the information the OP has said they have just been talking/texting. Without knowing the conversation there is no way to determine if this is 2 kids chatting about music or novels or whether the conversation is of a sexual nature. If it's the second then - yes - this should stop. If it's just 2 people chatting and having a friendship then what 'crime' is it?
supermum128 just talk to your daughter and say you want to be introduced to the boy (obviously via text/phone/email) and talk to him. That's the only way you will know if this is an unsuitable relationship.

Lolling at the teenagers texting about gardening or chess

Nope, no way at that age would l let my also 14 year old dd talk to an 18 year old. End of.

It’s NOT platonic, why would a boy that age be interested in a 14 year old?

21 and 25 is fine. 14 and 18 isnt. You need to be the strict uncool mum.

All teens talk about is sex.

Letsallscreamathesistene. My dd talks about ‘The Queen’s Gambit’ quite a lot! Never about gardening though!😂

Preparing for the flaming here but I have experience with this given I was the 14 year old in this situation when I was younger.

While I might have legally been a child at 14 I knew what I wanted and how to how to get it. Mind you this was when me and my 14/15 year old mates could get into bars and pubs with no idea. It certainly wasn’t the grooming / predatory situation that my parents thought, I actively pursued the relationship. My parents were furious, tried to stop it etc. It just made me try even harder and be even sneakier. Approach this carefully, don’t go in all guns blazing. It could have the opposite effect of what you’re trying to achieve. @NellietheNumpty approach is good imo.

To be fair The Queens Gambit is quite good, though id put money on the content of an 18 year old boys and a 14 year old girls messages are about that with no underlying agenda

Sit down and watch this together

This is the blurb to go with it
Kayleigh’s Love Story is a film about aspects of the last 13 days of the life of 15-year-old Kayleigh Haywood.

The Leicestershire schoolgirl was groomed online by Luke Harlow, a man she had never met, before being raped and murdered by his next door neighbour Stephen Beadman.

The film has been made to serve as a warning to children and adults of the dangers of grooming and sexual exploitation following Kayleigh’s tragic death in November 2015.

Visit www.leics.police.uk/police-fo... for information on the dangers of speaking to people online, online grooming and to show your support for our CEASE (commitment to eradicate abuse and sexual exploitation) campaign.

Letsallscream yes I agree. It probably is a bit 'lol' to think they are chatting about gardening or whatever. It's probably unlikely.
But....on the other hand you never know. But as I said upthread an 18 year old and a 14 year old could be in a extra curricular group together through school so there may be times when they actually want to - shock horror - talk to each other.
Until the OP talks to her daughter and talks to the 18 year old I think it's a bit unfair to jump to the conclusion he is a perv and committing some kind of 'crime'.

I’ve been a secondary teacher 25 years.

My safeguarding antenna are twitching at this thread.

Maisie I think you're assuming a lot there to try and make it ok.

Im a nurse and have to have regular safeguarding training due to the role im in. This thread also makes my safeguarding antennas twitch.

Letsallscream I am not trying to make it 'ok' but from the tiny bit of information the OP has given it doesn't scream out this is dodgy straight away. If the OP comes back with more information we would be able to tell.
I just think it's a bit of an insult to the 18 year old boys that I know to instantly assume they are all sex maniacs. Not all of them are.

But neither do they hang out with Year 9.

Year 13 and Year 9 do not knock around together.

Passing awuantainces through siblings? Possibly

‘Friends’ texting each other? No way.

The gap between these 2 age groups in terms of sexuality and experience is massive. It’s not an innocent friendship.

All the OP said was "I have found out my 14 year old daughter had been texting an 18 year old boy".
If I were the OP my first question would be "Oh who is it? Anyone I know?" not jump straight away to it being dodgy.
The OP hasn't come back so she might not read this but.... just talk to your daughter.