Stop feeding to sleep habit

[Catarinah]

Hi everyone, can I please start with "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it", I'm not posting this to be criticised but purely for other responsive parenting mum's experience and guidance.
My little boy is 1 year old and I'm looking at night weaning because he is still waking hourly for boob and is heavily dependant on boob to sleep and not only and I exhausted, but he's cranky from poor night sleeps. Any advice on breaking the boob to sleep association as gently as possible? I did try last month and he got terribly upset and was then poorly so I stopped but am going to revisit this after he has his jabs next week (I dont want to refuse boob when he needs it). We co sleep too so this I imagine will make is harder? He wont let me put him in a cot as he wakes and he falls asleep every night/nap (unless in pram on a walk) by me feeding him laying down and crawling away. I just want to be able to cuddle him back to sleep or soothe him another way so I can gently stop breastfeeding/reduce night waking but when I tried to swap boon for cuddles last time I was as upset as him, he was crying hysterically and I felt awful. Thanks in advance.

You could look up gentle sleep training and pick something to try. I stopped Bfeeding to sleep at about 7 months as he was eating lots of solids i made sure he was awake after a feed in the night so I could pop him back down awake or he would be constantly feeding every hour if I fed to sleep, it took a while to work but I never let him CIO I offered cuddles and rocking. As he got abit bigger I’d offer water instead of bmilk in the night but if he was ill or teething he needed the night feeds. He did drop them at 11 months & slept through since then he’s now nearly two. Although I’m lucky as he got really attached to a comforter so that’s what helped a lot. Also if nothing was working an he wouldn’t settle I’d just get him up an sit in the living room an let him play for abit untill he got so tired he would fall asleep on the sofa then I’d pop him in the cot, anything but give in an breastfeed back to sleep. I had to do this for my mental health as I had PND & PTSD and topped off with severe sleep deprivation I was a mess. Hope something works for you x

The only thing that worked for us was the husband taking DC when he woke up or was ready to go to sleep.

Time for Dad to step in and be the on-duty parent at night for a couple of weeks!

I think some one else doing night times is the way to go but remember it’s normal for one years olds to wake during the night several times so it may not be thematic bullet you are looking for.

I think if the boobs there he's going to want it tbh.

Do you want to carry on co-sleeping?

I think there’s two ways you can go with this.

First, just remove the boobs from the equation for a while - go cold turkey by getting your DP to do bedtime. It’ll work, but personally I couldn’t go down that route - DH was no good at settling DD and I didn’t want her to feel rejected by me (not saying All kids would, but my DH hadn’t had much time with DD at that age and had never been involved with Bedtime).

Secondly, you can try to get your baby to understand the change. That’s tricky at 1 year, I was doing this later on. But we read lots of stories about it it together before we started and we took it really slowly with me explaining each step. Sure, at that age they won’t understand a lot of what you’re saying, but they make pick up some of it and will get something out of your tone. I used to sing the same lullaby over and over while feeding to sleep for one week. The next week I unlatched her as soon as her breathing slowed and kept rocking Nd singing until she was solidly off. The next week I unpatched her once she was drowsy. Last week I unlatched her when wide awake and put her in bed then started singing. If you don’t mind taking it slow and spending a month g making the change, it works. I’m a big fan of avoidIng crying when possible!

Thanks everyone.
I'd happily continue co sleeping if he woke less, but not sure if that's possible. Although I have recently gone in to feed him and slept in another room whilst husband watches him on camera from downstairs to see what he's like if I'm not there, and he still wakes as much.
I get why sending husband in to do bedtime/wakes would work, but our son really really protests it when he tries, like hysterically... Even if I walk out of the room and he enters he screams crying before husband even gets to him. I'm trying to introduce a comforter and will definitely try to build some other sleeo association with this, song... Shhing or whatever and happy to take my time with getting him off, @crazychemist you're approach seems nice and gentle, how old is your little one?

I started doing the pre-bedtime feed in the living room with the lights on. I would keep my son awake during the feed and then move to his room and rock him to sleep following this. Once he hit one, I night weaned him by gradually cutting down the length of the feeds until they were only a couple of minutes. At that point when he woke, I would offer him a sip of water. This went on for a couple of weeks, I then just offered a dummy/pat and he went back to sleep. I would say he now wakes about 50% of nights but settles with a quick 30 second pat. The rest of the nights he sleeps through.

Tbh, your husband needs to be able to settle his own child. If he's never done it before then it will be tricky but they both have to learn. I'd be leaving them to it for a few weeks.

We are in a similar situation as you. My LO, just turned 1, doesn't usually wake quite as often as hourly but its usually 3-7 times a night. We bedshare and I've just started steps towards him sleeping alone. We put a large mattress on the floor in his room instead of a cot, baby proofed the room and I now sleep in there with him and once he's familiar with that room (last night was the first!), I will leave once he is asleep and go in at first waking. Other things I've found helpful are "the beyond sleep training project" and "breastfeeding older babies and beyond" groups on Facebook. Mine is hysterical if DH sees to him in the night, nothing he does works so we just don't try anymore. Good luck ❤

Google the Jay Gordon method. It's a gentle method designed for cosleeping.

@Ohalrightthen

Tbh, your husband needs to be able to settle his own child. If he's never done it before then it will be tricky but they both have to learn. I'd be leaving them to it for a few weeks.

My husband could settle our baby when he was newborn, but it doesn't work anymore and I cant bear to leave LO screaming hysterically, I wouldn't be asleep anyway if that was the case. It doesn't make sense in our family either, as DHs 6 day working week and health conditions mean that its not worth forcing them to work it out for the sake of the few times he could do the nights. DH takes on more during the day to make up for it

@Ohalrightthen

I don’t agree with this if it’s a breastfed baby, or course keep trying it but it’s not that simple. I think there way harder for the dads to settle as they just want mums breastmilk:

@Catarinah my Dd was just shy of 2 at the time (so a fair bit older than yours, but I got the idea from a friend who did it that way at 15 months). She’s 4 now, so well past sleep issues. Now cosleeping with her baby brothers, but I’m sooooo much less worried about “bad habits” then I was with DD. I’ve come to the conclusion that you can always make changes if you take your time and there’s no such thing as “making a rod for your back”

Im a FTM and my sons being a real pickle about naps and food in general at the moment. Agree with PP, theres so much emphasis on making a rod for your own back but tbh all things come good in the end. Ive learnt to have a much more chilled out approach to life since my son was born 😂

I fed to sleep untill ds1 was 2 then he was old enough to understand basic commands like time to sleep lie down ect. I'm still feeding ds2 to sleep at 15 months though I'm getting fed up of it. So following for ideas as nothing works for me.

@Ohalrightthen

Tbh, your husband needs to be able to settle his own child. If he's never done it before then it will be tricky but they both have to learn. I'd be leaving them to it for a few weeks.

Perfectly sensible on paper, but sometimes not practical - my DH didn’t ever do bedtime when DD was a baby/toddler as he wasn’t usually around in the evenings, or not reliably so because he had a lot of meetings when she would need to go to bed.

He does it every night at the moment while I look after our little twins, but in all honesty it shows he’s rubbish at it! 3 months ago we had a lovely routine, with stories and songs and DD peacefully asleep at 8.30. Right now we have running around, shouting and jumping on the bed until 10.30!

Have recently started a new bedtime routine now bf baby has turned one.

Instead of feeding to sleep I now:

1. Give quick bf
2. Read a book (she cries for this)
3. Lie her down in her cot and sing twinkle twinkle
4. Leave the room (with night light on)
5. Set timer for 5 mins
6. At 5 mins go in if still crying. Lie down and rub her back. (Do not pick up)
7. Leave room and set timer for 6 mins.
8. Repeat, adding a minute each time, till she falls asleep. I usually only go back in 2-3 times. I was amazed that this worked but it does so far!

Thanks everyone. A lot of very useful ideas here. I do follow beyond sleep training on fb too, and im torn between riding it out and doing something to change it... Usually at 4am I'm desperate to make a change in the light of day I'm a bit more chilled about it all. I do stupidly feel like I've made a rod for my own back, although I guess I shouldn't, all I've done is respond to his needs. And as for @Ohalrightthen like I said at the very start, if you can't say anything nice just don't bother. Do you really think after 1 year we haven't tried endlessly to get husband to settle him? Also, we're in lockdown and have been pretty much all year so "I'd leave them for a few weeks" is all very well, but where am I going to go? To the shed and listen to the hysterical crying from there?Very narrow minded comment.

@Catarinah I often feel the same at 4am! does yours wake for long when he wakes? or just long enough for a little feed and straight back to sleep. I try and think of the alternative, if I didnt have boob to sleep, would I be up struggling to get him to sleep or back to sleep. So yes I am woken often, but otherwise nights are usually no struggle, and that helps me put it in perspective a bit. I have a friend who's 16m old sometimes doesn't sleep well, naps or night, and she has messaged me at 1am saying she is sat in the car on their driveway having driven around to get her LO off to sleep, and I actually remind myself of that on tough nights as I'd far prefer to be in bed haha. its not easy though, 1 is still so little. ❤

@boydy99 gosh that does sound terrible, I'm in a whats app group with 5 other mums of babies similar in age, and none seem to have any sleep issues so I guess that makes me feel like I'm in the minority,,, although I'm sure there are many more in the same shoes as me. It varies really, a good night can be 3/4 wake ups and back to sleep within 10 minutes or less. But some nights he wakes a lor, and when he does I can't seem to get him off, it's like he can only sleeps whilst feeding and unlatching him wakes him and he cries (although to be fair, these nights are normally if he's under the weather/teething). Yes you're right, 1 is little, but I feel like I don't want to be in the same boat a year or two from here (we will hopefully want to try for baby no.2) and it looks like I might be.

@Catarinah sounds terrible to me but she thinks my situation where I do nights on my own is terrible! some babies just sleep well and some are maybe sleep trained. yes teething or a cold means we have far more waking than usual too, mine has also realised he likes to sleep laid on me, and by early morning that is the only way he will stay asleep/go back to sleep. I don't think you'll still be in the same boat in a year, and even less so in 2 although I absolutely feel like this too sometimes! in 6-12 months your LO will be more able to understand what you are saying and you will be hopefully able to gently night wean. there is a lot going on around 1 year old too and combined with teething, I guess feeding provides the comfort they are looking for. you're doing brilliantly ❤ Sarah ockwell Smith is quite useful too sometimes if you've not already heard of her. oh and the possums method which you've probably seen on Facebook the beyond sleep training group.

My dd is 10 months and I recently stopped feeding in the night. I did it gradually over probs about 2 months. I had little rules id follow, so it started with feed downstairs in a light room at 6pm. Then I decided I wouldn't feed until midnight after this. If she woke I'd just rock/ hold / read stories if really upset. I was still feeding twice after midnight at that point. Then I decided only to do one feed. That worked well for quite a while and then no feeds but she felt ready. It does take time for their body to adjust us effectively moving their meal times. One book I read said 3 - 5 nights. I would say that things are no easier in a way as she is waking up still but I have to rock her and it's more effort than a quick feed. She did have about 2 weeks of glorious 12 hour no wake ups though so v much hoping we return to that one day.

I agree that you shouldn't worry about making a rod for your own back. I was quite insistent on certain sleep ideals e.g. no dummy, no co sleeping, strict routine and I have dabbled with cio a bit. She's still an awful sleeper and I've chilled a bit and don't blame myself anymore. I liked the poster who said things all come good eventually.

However I did feel, for me, that having little rules or a plan helped me to feel more in control and less like a failure.

Good luck. These babies don't know what they're missing with sleep!

@boydy99 hows the sleeping in the other room working? :)

@Catarinah no change in sleep unfortunately, last night had a lot of wakings! however LO is still in a leap so im hoping when thats over things might improve. and that was only night 3 in there. but it is nice to be able to pop him off the mattress in the morning and he plays with his toys while I snooze for a bit longer! how are you getting on?