Is it just me?

[JDAVE]

Hi,

I feel like I need a rant. I've genuinely had enough. I feel like I am the sh**est mother ever. I can't get a handle on my emotions, I can't keep up with my housework. I find myself crying all the time.

I am on medication for depression/ anxiety because I have PTSD which was diagnosed just after my eldest (3 next month) was born. This is from a trauma I suffered 18 years ago.

My son is the absolute son of Satan. Seriously, I just cannot cope with how he is sometimes. He will sit and just break things and look at me and smirk. He will hurt his baby brother (7 months old) just to make him cry. Some things I just ignore, I.e if he tips all his toys out when I have just cleared them away. I will ignore because I feel like it's an attention thing.
I've tried the naughty step but he just makes an escape out of the front door. I put a chain on the door and he ripped my door frame off. (Hard to believe a 2 year old done it, but he is the size of a 4/5 year old)

I am in contact with a behavioural woman but I just don't feel like anything she is saying or doing is helping, she needs to actually see what he is doing. I don't feel like talking about it will give the full extent of how he behaves.

Im so depressed, I don't want to say it but I really dis like my child. And I beat myself up about feeling that way every single day.

My partner seems to just want to be in work, he works every hour that he can. And then goes to work in a different job in the evening. My house is an absolute mess, I've got washing coming out of my ears. I'm due to go back to work next week and all I want to do is cry.

I have my mum and dad that help when they can, but I also have a sister (who I don't speak to) that has recently made a dig that my parents are bringing my child up, and this has just brought me to my knees because I feel like I am trying so hard and to have someone say something like that is just spiteful. I know she has only said it for a reaction but none the less it really hurts. But I feel like maybe my mum should have stuck up for me there, or is this what everyone is thinking?

I'm literally in a mess. Please someone tell me it's not just me.

It sounds like a really difficult situation?
Does your partner need to be doing jobs?
Have you sat down and talked to him about how you feel?

@Thatwentbadly not particularly. He earns a decent wage which covers our bills and we have left over at the end. I have stressed to him how badly I am feeling and that I am struggling but I have to watch what I say because he throws it back at me in arguments. For instance the other day he said that I wouldn't cope without him and that I should go and kill myself. So he has taken that from
Me begging him not to work extra because I could really do with him home so I could have a shower and that I talked to him about my mental health struggles not so long ago.
😩

Your partner is telling you to go and kill yourself?! This is a bigger issue than your washing. No wonder your depression is continuing.

@Thatwentbadly it was during a heated argument about the washing and toys being everywhere. I'm trying to not react to what he says. But it's difficult when I have a teething baby and busy toddler. I can't interact with anyone as we are in tier 4 lockdown and I only just about managed to deal with the last lockdown.

Op if you have money over at the end of the month, then you need to see a councellor online, to get to grips with your anxiety and depression and to learn to love yourself a little bit.

Your son senses your weakness and will play up more.
You are so busy beating yourself up unnecessarily, you are wasting your energy.
I realise it is hard, but can you put a plan into place for your house,
eg get rock solid oversized babygates everywhere so your son can be confined to one room if you are putting a wash on or cooking.
Designate a room to have toys, a TV etc if you have space, accept the mess in there.Don't let it go all over the house, tell him it is his special play space, make it cool and fun.
Then find somewhere to set your baby up elsewhere but in sight so he gets the 'treat 'of playing in his space or watching TV, whilst you keep baby safely away, (at 7 months a baby gym and bouncer is all he/she needs)
Try and set up a routine, talk him through it in the morning and as you go through the day. Make quiet times too ie snacks in front of a favourite programme, so that you can do a task or two in the house.
Make a rough plan ie, breakfast,a walk/park mid morning to tire him out, then a reward of a movie whilst you do an hour of housework.
Lunch, games in 'his special playspace', mad hame in garden, followed by quiet game or play in 'his room'
Although this may not exactly work for you, you could tweak it for your circumstances.
Good luck

Can you get your son in nursery a few days a week? At 3 I assume you'd get some funding?

@Dragongirl10 we have the gates everywhere. But space is limited, my living room is our toy room. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I'm in the process of trying to sort it all out. So it doesn't constantly look a mess.
I'm currently having CbT therapy for my ptsd. I only get maternity allowance at the moment and when al my bills are paid I'm left with nothing. So I can't really pay for any extra help unfortunately. But I will try making a plan and set out some stuff with my son and see if that helps. Maybe a bit of structure to his day will help.
Thank you. X

Yes I'm in an area where we get 2.5 hours free a day. So I try and do bits then. But I only really have an hour by the time I get home and then get baby fed and then get ready to go back and pick him up. But from April we will have some extra hours.

@EspressoExpresso Yes I'm in an area where we get 2.5 hours free a day. So I try and do bits then. But I only really have an hour by the time I get home and then get baby fed and then get ready to go back and pick him up. But from April we will have some extra hours.

I'm so sorry things are so tough for you OP. The biggest red flag of your posts has been the update where your partner tells you (a mentally ill woman) to go kill herself. Even in the depths of the worst arguments, this is unacceptable and it sounds like your partner could be a contributing factor to your mental health problems. Really think about this relationship and whether you'd be better off in the long term without it. Best of luck to you x

@mum2bin2021 thank you. I hope things get a bit better. When we argue he always puts it down to my meds. Because at one point I was so busy I kept forgetting to take my medication. And his argument is that I forget to take them. He thinks it's hilarious. I have tried to leave but he says that I will have to leave and he keeps the house. And then I will leave and he phoned me up and guilt trips me. He knows how to play on my emotions and make me feel guilty. I'm aware of what he is doing but I just don't have the energy to do anything about it.

From your update it seems the bigger problem is your DH op, no wonder you are feeling depressed, so many things at once.

In the current situation (COVID)unless he is abusive it may be good for you to work on getting your DS into better behavior and perhaps routine, and getting yourself feeling stronger.

I agree with PP in the longer term do you really want to stay?
I am sure your MH would improve without him.

Wishing you support and a virtual hug.

OP you have so much going on. I’ve been through some of the things you are going through but not together, martial issues

@Dragongirl10 when I sit down and think, I think you are right. He is the problem. I don't know what to do for the best.

Thank you for your advice and virtual hug. Xx

@Thatwentbadly that's the thing, I don't tend to speak out because I think, people are going through worse or loads of people go through this every day, get a grip and get on with it. And then I suffer in silence. X

Sorry I was half way through the message and toddler pressed post!

What I was going to say is I’ve been through PTSD, martial issues (not abuse), being overwhelmed with lockdown and struggling to keep on top of everything thing in the house but not all at the same time. You have a huge amount on...
Hang on kids have poured water everywhere I will be back again

I definitely don’t mean people have it worse, not at all!

I can only tell you what helps me
TOMM for homework - have a look at her website, it’s based on the idea that you clean one room a day. At the moment I don’t do the focus room.

How to talk to little kids book helps me. But I think this is the hardest issue.

I honestly think your DP needs to pull his weight of fuck off. It sounds like things are difficult at home and he is avoiding home. Can you write him a letter about how you feel, wait a few days and rewrite it without the anger and show him?

You can’t solve all these issues in one go. Take baby steps towards all of them.

Oh and lower your standards, never iron and save up for a robot hoover approx £150.

OP your update made me so sad, it seems as though your partner is abusive. If you can summon the energy, please consider contacting a support group, even women's aid. Your life will not be like this forever, there's light at the end of even the longest and darkest tunnel.

My Mum was stuck in an abusive (physically and mentally) relationship for 16 years because her depression was so deep she couldn't see a way out. She slept for 20 hours a day as she just couldn't cope with life. She got out eventually and is now happily married in a healthy relationship. You can and will feel better... getting through the days when you feel so low is an achievement in itself. If you can ask for help, please do. Depression will tell you that you don't need/deserve help but - you do! What would you tell a friend in your situation? I wish I could bottle up some positive energy and send it your way. Depression may tell you that you're failing but I can promise you, every day that you get through is a win and you're doing your best. X

Crikey OP sounds horrendous. Agree with pp you have mostly a DH problem.

To get DS to stay in time out at about that age I used to have to put him in a room (his bedroom, a bathroom) and stand outside holding the door shut.

And yes I couldn't do that anymore if I wanted to because at 5 he is strong enough to break the doors 😖

Your boyfriend is a scumbag, whose name is on the tenancy/mortgage? Get a plan to get yourself and those kids away from that revolting man and stop listening to the drivel that flows from his mouth.

@JDAVE- I have to say I think your feeling this way because of your partner. It’s so unfair for him to be out of the house as much as he can and leave you like that.
My heart actually breaks for you. You need support, they are both your children and the fact he can’t see what a difference a bit of help from him would make is just awful.
Big hugs sweetheart 💜

It's difficult for you but I think you can get yourself out of this rut. You need to take control of your time. Your son is 2 so he will sometimes misbehave. He doesn't understand. It's going to he a process for him to learn how the world works so don't expect him not to do things which are naughty. But keep correcting him and realise that age 2 is one of the most challenging ages. If you keep putting in time with him, taking him out for exercise, playing with him at home. Things will get better. Try and recognise his good points rather than focus on things he does wrong. With housework a daily routine will help. Finding the best time to do washing. You may need to do a load a day. And writing a to do list. Keep chipping away at it all day and you will get there. Also keep your stuff to a minimum and get rid of things you don't need. The less stuff you have the more easy it is to manage. Check out stay at home mum routines on YouTube and use those to motivate you and get tips from. Good luck x

@Thatwentbadly thank you, I will
Try some of your suggestions. I will write him a letter and see if that helps. I don't know if it will make any difference. He's always been a selfish person so I don't think that will change. But maybe if he is aware fully how I am feeling he may stop and think in the future. Thank you. X

@mum2bin2021 I know, I'm having a break from therapy at the moment with it being Christmas and my therapist is poorly. But due to go back next week so hopefully things will start to improve slowly with my mood then.
It is a difficult time in our relationship, I just try to keep looking forward. I feel like I could sleep for hours but I know that I have to get up and keep going for the children as they are both young. I think my little boy is picking up on my mood because he keeps getting unbelievably upset because he wants to go and stay in my mum and dads. I had an hour of him crying uncontrollably last night after waking up at 1.30am because he wanted to go and stay with them. 😩