I can't respect my mum after she cheated on my Dad 30 years ago. Am I alone?

[VWLolabunny9119]

I could be bias as I'm a lot closer to my Dad than my Mum. My mum and I get on but it's a difficult relationship which is often a lot of work. My mum had an affair when I was only a baby, left my Dad for this horrible man and left him broken hearted. I know she looks back and regrets what she did as Dad is without doubt the best man she's ever been with. I'v always thought less of her for it and find it harder to have respect for her. Im interested to know has anyone else got a parent who cheated on the other parent and it's forever changed the way you think of them?

My mum also betrayed my dad he took her back 4 times, she ping ponged between my dad and her affair bloke.
My brother's wife had several affairs he took her back three times. She eventually left for a different married man and broke up his family too.
Some people are toxic and care not whom they hurt. No guts to end a relationship first before starting another.
I agree with you @VWLolabunny9119

Jeeze it's almost like you're excusing women for cheating on men.... 🤨

This. Is there always a “reason” for cheating? To me, there never is. If your relationship isn’t working, leave before you have the affair.

O/p did you live with your mum? If so why didn’t you move in with your dad if you were being physically abused?

I don’t think your feelings towards your mums are about the actual affair. It’s about the man she chose to be with and the fact she didn’t protect you from abuse. If the man she’d had an affair with was a lovely man and treated you and your sisters perfectly would you still be focusing on the affair all these years later or would you just be happy your mum was in a good relationship? It’s not really about how the relationship started, it’s about what came after.

@BornIn78 my mum and dad never got back together?

I’ve totally read it wrong and read as if your mum and dad got back together sorry .

The massive drip feed hasn’t helped.

Where was your dad while all this was happening then?

@bluebluezoo

Jeeze it's almost like you're excusing women for cheating on men.... 🤨

This. Is there always a “reason” for cheating? To me, there never is. If your relationship isn’t working, leave before you have the affair.

O/p did you live with your mum? If so why didn’t you move in with your dad if you were being physically abused?

I tried, I ran away several times but nobody listened until I was 16 and then did move to my Dads. Dad tried to win custody of us all but at the time the courts were always if favour of the mother.

@bluebluezoo

Jeeze it's almost like you're excusing women for cheating on men.... 🤨

This. Is there always a “reason” for cheating? To me, there never is. If your relationship isn’t working, leave before you have the affair.

O/p did you live with your mum? If so why didn’t you move in with your dad if you were being physically abused?

Indeed. Why not leave....yeah I know its complicated....and an affair in the mix helps how... cheats excuses

@bluebluezoo

Jeeze it's almost like you're excusing women for cheating on men.... 🤨

This. Is there always a “reason” for cheating? To me, there never is. If your relationship isn’t working, leave before you have the affair.

O/p did you live with your mum? If so why didn’t you move in with your dad if you were being physically abused?

I’m not excusing anything, I’m trying to put forward a reason as to why she did it. Maybe her marriage to ‘the best man she’s ever been with’ wasn’t as great as the OP thinks it was.

It was also very difficult as a child to speak out about the abuse when you were constantly terrified as a child and it was promised that things would be worse if you did. Dad should have rescued us of course but I really don't believe he knew how bad things were. I know I'm probably protecting him but can you blame me when having every other weekend at his was the only happy memory I have of my childhood.

Your DM doesn’t deserve your respect if she failed to protect you.

Both mine did at different times later divorcing, sorry to hear it has impacted on your relationship with your mum but it hasn’t really affected me. My parents’ sex lives are their own business thankfully!

Your parents are as bad as each other- your excusing your dad for allowing it to happen and blaming the courts or your mother. He should and could have done a lot lot more!

I have no idea why you are starry eyed for your dad?

Your mum sounds terrible too- I’m sorry this happened to you, you deserved more.

I think the cheating on your dad is a tiny detail compared to the fact that she allowed a man to beat you for 15 years. Judge her for that. If you choose to judge her harshly then no one would blame you.

What about your 3 older sisters how do they feel about your mum? Didn’t they ever speak to your dad?

I think you have adopted your dad's narrative. I was gonna say "women have further to fall" but then the drip feed happened. I was in a similar situation only luckily my nasty sf wanted to move far away and I voted with my feet to live with my dad. dm divorced sf after he knocked her to the floor. I dont try and understand her, she's only human, I sort of try and show her respect and not to judge her on her past behaviour. but this is only after therapy and a written apology from her.

You’re blaming the divorce for your mums failure to keep you safe.

They are two completely different things, yes I think you should be angry that she chose to expose you to an abuser.

But cheating, yes cheating is awful and I personally don’t think there is an excuse for it, but to hold a grudge for so long isn’t healthy. Have you convinced yourself that if she hadn’t cheated the divorce wouldn’t have happened? It probably would have, but at a slightly different time, she would be the same person so she would likely make the same mistake and fail to keep you safe.

Some parents don’t keep their children safe, you couldn’t change that, you can however seek help to enable you to unpick and better cope with the things that happened in your childhood. My mother was abusive, she refused our dad access and would call the police to say we had been abducted when we did manage to see him. It took a long time for SS to actually do anything about it, by then we were nearly adults so it was too late. So while we all have a different experience, I do very much understand misplaced anger, that anger may sometimes be helpful, but it is not a longterm coping strategy.

@Chel098

What about your 3 older sisters how do they feel about your mum? Didn’t they ever speak to your dad?

I'm not really sure, I think a couple of things might have been said. I think by the time we were at an age to be listened to my dads new wife made it clear she didn't want us living there with him full time.

Today everybody wants somebody to blame and it is very easy to have your perception of events accepted by strangers online and your feelings validated.

Life is complicated, we all make stupid decisions, bad choices and hurt others. I am presuming you allow yourself to do these things and expect others to accept your apologies.

Afford the same to others, and shock! horror! even your parents.

You're not alone OP. Not a parent, but after all parties had died I found out about an affair between my Grandmother and another member of the family that had gone on when I was small. A long story that had far reaching effects on the whole family.

She was never an easy Woman to like anyway (bigoted and judgemental about other people, as if she sat on some ivory throne of perfection ) but finding this out dissolved the last respect I had for her. I genuinely wish that my kind, loyal Grandad had left her and found someone more deserving.

After a lot of anger about it that I won't go into here, It actually came as a relief in the end. I'd been feeling guilty that I wasn't grieving her 'enough' and the news that she'd actually been a worse person than I'd thought absolved that guilt. I now go about life as if she never existed.

@Heartlantern2

You have got too be joking, Did you not read the OP's comments or has your man hating made you blind to the facts.
The Op's mum left her DF, almost bankrupt and suicidal. She made it difficult for them to see their father. What was he supposed to do?? Kidnap them??
Sometimes things are as they are and victims can be men (as well as the kids) with the perpertrator being a woman. There is no need to make up facts to try and blame a man.

OP the reason you have distance between your mother is not because she prioristed a man over her family, its because she prioritised her own selfish needs over her family. She showed for many years that she put your and your siblings were last in her thoughts.
I would also forget about this though it will only cause negativity for you. But in the same respect she doesnt deserve your love, just because she is your mother biologically. Love and spend time with those you care about, and keep a distance from those you dont and feel good that you arent doing anything wrong.

My dad had an affair and left my mother ( and us). I used to think cheating was the worst thing and that he was terrible for doing it. As I've got older, I've realised how complicated relationships are and while I don't condone cheating, I don't judge him the same way I used to for it. I do however judge him for being a shit father. Just because you divorce your wife, doesn't mean you divorce your kids. That feeling has intensified since I had kids, I can wrap my head around cheating, but leaving and having almost nothing to do with your children? I just can't see how a decent person could do that.

I'm really sorry this happened to you OP but the drip feed really has nothing to do with your opening question.
You've asked people to share stuff which as it turns out is completely irrelevant to what really went on.

Ok so its not the affair that makes you have a strained relationship with your mum. Its what came from the affair. Those are two different things.

Hi OP,

My mum cheated on my dad multiple times when I was a teenager. She would take me and my sister on these 'dates' to meet her many lovers.

My dad was willing to forgive her as he was so in love with her still but she decided to divorce him and took half of his money and the house (she hasn't worked since i was born. I'm now 29).

It almost destroyed him and he had to move in with his brother and later lost his job. He was pushing 50 and didn't manage to get a job until just before he did. Not through lack of trying, but his confidence was rock bottom.

Luckily, he remarried and was incredibly happy in his relationship until he passed, but my mum cheating on him affected him greatly.

I've still not truly forgiven my mum and our relationship is still very fraught. She has many mental health issues that she refuses to acknowledge. It's sad really.