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Original poster

I can't respect my mum after she cheated on my Dad 30 years ago. Am I alone?

50 replies

VWLolabunny9119 · 09/01/2021 08:50

I could be bias as I'm a lot closer to my Dad than my Mum. My mum and I get on but it's a difficult relationship which is often a lot of work. My mum had an affair when I was only a baby, left my Dad for this horrible man and left him broken hearted. I know she looks back and regrets what she did as Dad is without doubt the best man she's ever been with. I'v always thought less of her for it and find it harder to have respect for her. Im interested to know has anyone else got a parent who cheated on the other parent and it's forever changed the way you think of them?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2021 08:52

My mum had an affair. I don’t judge her at all. Relationships are complicated.

Chel098 · 09/01/2021 08:57

Is that really the reason why you and your mum have a difficult relationship?
I think as you was a baby you need to let it go.

Original poster
VWLolabunny9119 · 09/01/2021 09:14

@Chel098 No tbh it's one of many reasons. Its not something I hold on too (I have enough other more recent things to hold against her) I'm just curious to know how having a mum or Dad that cheats has impacted other people's relationships with their parents.

OP posts:

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isupposeitsverynice · 09/01/2021 09:17

i don't think either of my parents were faithful. it doesn't impact my relationships with them because it was a million years ago and has no effect on me

Premiumbond · 09/01/2021 09:24

I’m curious as to how you even know this?

PositiveNegative · 09/01/2021 09:26

My MIL did. My FIL came out smelling of roses. But he was quietly difficult to live with in the extreme. She was in despair.

Changedforthisyear · 09/01/2021 09:28

Research parental alienation OP, you have lots of empathy and compassion for your dad and his heartbreak. You seem to have adopted his narrative.

FippertyGibbett · 09/01/2021 09:29

Did she have PND ? Was she feeling the drudge of being a new mum and housewife, and got her head turned by a persuasive man ?
I know you don’t get on, but, as a woman yourself, can you see why she did it ?
My dad had an affair and left, and knowing the reason why now, I can see why he did it.

Marlena1 · 09/01/2021 09:29

OP I used to think people who had affairs were terrible people but the older I get I see it's not all black and white. You will never know what their marriage was like. I'm sorry, I know it must be hard.

FippertyGibbett · 09/01/2021 09:32

Are you closer to your dad because of the affair ?
How would you feel about your dad if he had had the affair, would you be closer to your mum ?

Bagelsandbrie · 09/01/2021 09:33

Just because your dad is a good dad doesn’t mean he was / is a good husband. Two separate things.

I think it’s very sad you judge your mum like this. Having an affair is always wrong but people aren’t perfect.

0blio · 09/01/2021 09:34

My adult children aren't aware that their dad (now my exh) cheated on me several times during our marriage. I don't consider it any of their business, it doesn't affect their relationship with him and I have no desire to discuss it with them.

As you were just a baby, your mum or dad must have told you about the affair. Why on earth would they have done that?

Somebodyotherthanme · 09/01/2021 09:40

My mum has had two affairs (that I know of) one resulting in a pregnancy which she continued.
I discovered last year that my sister is in fact my half sister, she doesn't know we have different dads. My relationship with my mother is strained to say the least.

BornIn78 · 09/01/2021 09:42

How do you know all this if you were a baby when it happened?

Original poster
VWLolabunny9119 · 09/01/2021 09:54

To those who ask how I know this, the affair resulted in divorce and mum left my Dad for the man who then went on to physically assault me and my 3 older sisters for the following 15 years. Mum didn't stop it she just defended him and reinforced the beatings. My Dad has never spoken about it. I only hear about the affair from my mum and once my Dads best friend who said that my Dad was close to suicide after it happened and my Mum left him nearly bankrupt and made it very difficult for him to see his kids.

OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 09/01/2021 10:05

There must have been something wrong in her life or her marriage to leave your dad.
It would be interesting to know what, at that point, made her leave.
I know you can’t answer that, but I always go with the ‘two sides to every story’.

BornIn78 · 09/01/2021 10:06

Well that’s a whole different ballgame.

Surely your feelings towards your mum are more about the fact that she allowed you and your sisters to be assaulted for years without intervening or protecting you, rather than simply “she had an affair”.

CooperLooper · 09/01/2021 10:08

@FippertyGibbett

Did she have PND ? Was she feeling the drudge of being a new mum and housewife, and got her head turned by a persuasive man ? I know you don’t get on, but, as a woman yourself, can you see why she did it ? My dad had an affair and left, and knowing the reason why now, I can see why he did it.
Jeeze it's almost like you're excusing women for cheating on men.... 🤨
Clymene · 09/01/2021 10:08

So actually your mum prioritised an abusive man over her children? That's what you should be angry about, not the fact that she had an affair

NerdyBird · 09/01/2021 10:09

I was just about to ask if the 'horrible man' ended up being your step father. Do you feel that if your mum hadn't had the affair you wouldn't have been subjected to that and that's why you are focused on the affair?

Heartlantern2 · 09/01/2021 10:10

Your the child, a baby in fact when it happened so you have no idea of what actually went on.

Of course in your view your dads the best and you mum probably said that to you to placate you.

It sounds like you haven’t been in a long term relationship yet that involves children.

Bagelsandbrie · 09/01/2021 10:12

@BornIn78

Well that’s a whole different ballgame.

Surely your feelings towards your mum are more about the fact that she allowed you and your sisters to be assaulted for years without intervening or protecting you, rather than simply “she had an affair”.

Yes this. Massive drip feed.
Haggertyjane · 09/01/2021 10:13

I think you've put the focus on this, but it's really about your relationship with her.

My father stayed with my mother but spent every weekend with his mistress from (?) around the age 50. As kids we knew nothing about it, and I am sad my mother had to cope with that but I only remember my dad and his relationship with us, which was distant but caring.

Heartlantern2 · 09/01/2021 10:14

If you was being beaten for 15 years where was your dad in trying to get this stopped?

Sorry you had a shit childhood- that’s disgusting and no one should be without a happy childhood.

BornIn78 · 09/01/2021 10:15

Got it be honest, I’d have fuck all respect for your dad, that he could take back and be in a relationship with a woman who not only allowed, but reinforced, beatings of his children for 15 years.

The pair of them are as bad as each other, your mum and your dad. Prioritising themselves and their relationships, over their children.

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