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Parenting

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Original poster

Don’t know if I love my baby properly yet

36 replies

duckie1210 · 03/01/2021 18:29

My baby is 18 days old and I’m not sure if I properly love him yet. My brain knows that he is my son and I love him but I don’t feel it in my heart yet. But I don’t know what loving your child is meant to feel like so I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.
He was born by emcs so I didn’t have that moment of pushing him out myself and having him handed straight to me. When he was born I was still in shock from suddenly needing a cs, and obviously didn’t get to hold him until a little while after he was born. Then I only got a few hours with him before they realised something was wrong and he had to go to neonatal for 2 and a half days. So that probably disrupted the bonding experience as well.
We’re getting on alright with him at home, some issues with sleeping and crying but it could be a whole lot worse. I feel like I should be enjoying being with him more which makes me feel bad so then I get upset when he’s upset. I just don’t think I’ve had that moment yet where I’ve fell in love with him.

OP posts:

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Smartiepants79 · 03/01/2021 18:32

This is totally normal. I reckon it took several weeks for me to ‘love’ either of mine!

pringlebells · 03/01/2021 18:34

It's normal, I felt exactly the same and soon felt an overwhelming amount of love for him after a few weeks when I'd had some sleep and got used to the amount of change that came along with him

Moltenpink · 03/01/2021 18:35

It took me months. What helped was telling him out loud that I loved him, it eventually became true. It’s just so overwhelming at first isn’t it?

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happylittlechick · 03/01/2021 18:40

I think this rush of love the moment you first see them is so unhelpful. It's not like that for many women and love can grow over time.

GraciousPiglet · 03/01/2021 18:57

I got no rush the first time round. I was in shock from a slightly traumatic delivery. I do love him now though. Not sure when it kicked in.

Second time around, I absolutely got the rush and it made me realise how traumatised and shocked I was from ds2.

It's not spoken about enough. The rush of love definitely isn't automatic for a lot of people.

Ihaveoflate · 03/01/2021 18:59

I don't think I loved mine until she was closer to a year old and possibly a bit older even. Before that I cared for her and felt protective, but I didn't love her like I do now at 18 months.

I don't know many people who had an instant rush of love. Not saying it's a myth - just not the 'norm' everyone assumes.

LikeTheOceansWeRise · 03/01/2021 19:30

I think this rush of love the moment you first see them is so unhelpful. It's not like that for many women and love can grow over time.

This! I was watching a film yesterday where the protagonist happily pushed out her (first) baby and then wept tears of joy. Oh right! When I had my baby I was mostly knackered and a bit surprised at how angry she looked.

It takes time. You've had a rough time of it too. It'll come and this is totally normal x

Terracottasaur · 03/01/2021 19:37

I wouldn’t get too hung up on it. At 18 days you’re still full of hormones and dealing with recovery from birth, sleep deprivation, huge life upheaval etc. It’s no wonder at all if your feelings are hard to categorise at this point.

Buzzer3555 · 03/01/2021 19:42

I worried that i did not love my daughter as much as i did my son. It grew and i adore her now..to be honest it took a year

sesquipedalia · 03/01/2021 19:44

Totally normal. I loved my DD "logically " but not as her mother until she was 2. I'd do anything to protect her before, but didn't enjoy her before then. Please don't worry, so much shit is churned out about instant motherly love, probably historically by men!

PatchworkElmer · 03/01/2021 19:47

My DS was taken to NICU for 3 days too, and it definitely affected bonding. I had a fierce instinct to protect him from the start and would’ve never let him come to harm, but I think he was maybe a couple of months old before I was absolutely head over heels in love with him? He’s 4 now and I’m still head over heels!

I wouldn’t worry OP. I honestly think it’s probably quite normal, but there’s so much out there about how you ‘should’ feel this amazing rush of love the second they’re born that nobody feels able to say ‘actually, it wasn’t like that for me...’

girlofthenorth · 03/01/2021 19:47

Sounds like you have been through a quite a traumatic time during and after his birth. You need to give yourself time. Have you talked to someone professional about this in real life? I had pnd with my second born and it wasn't until that was properly addressed that I felt a rush of love with my DD . I'm not saying you have pnd- but it's early days- be kind to yourself

NeuroMama · 03/01/2021 19:50

I had a very calm positive birth and I didn't love my LO initially. I was shell shocked and hormonal. I felt a deep anxiety about him being hurt and that is jump in front of a speeding train to protect him, but love has taken time as I've gotten to know him.

Echobelly · 03/01/2021 19:56

This is normal, I think that 'enormous spontaneous rush of love' idea is overplayed.

The first weeks are completely puzzling and you won't know which way the floor is, even if you have an 'easy' newborn, so believe me, there is no need to overanalyse your feelings for your baby. You do love them but there's an awful lot to work through until you can relax into that

Congratulations and all the best for these amazing and exhausting weeks ahead.

Janek · 03/01/2021 19:57

I loved my DD when she was born, but I knew I was going to love her more and I was right. My DMs friend once told about how much she loved her second DD because she already knew how to love a child and I was exactly the same - I grew to love DD1 more, but I already loved DD2 if that makes sense.

Obviously I love them both the same now, despite what they might tell you...

Original poster

duckie1210 · 03/01/2021 20:00

Thanks everyone I feel a bit better now. Just really needed to get that off my chest. I could never say any of this to DH because Im afraid he’ll think badly of me. He loves our baby so much already and I’m not quite there yet. But it’s reassuring to know that I’m not alone.

OP posts:

Candycats · 03/01/2021 20:01

I didn't feel that rush of love for DS when he was born either - I don't think a traumatic birth helped. I obsessed over the fact that I didn't love him 'as much as I should' and spent many hours torturing myself over it. I hate that it's so ingrained into us that you 'should' have that, it puts so much unfair pressure onto new mums. It will come - I think it came for me many months later (probably when DS started to develop his little personality a bit more!). Please give yourself time and don't torment yourself over it

BettyAndVeronica · 03/01/2021 20:06

Don't worry. It's normal, you're in the early days still. Lots of hormones still fluctuating.
That love and bond feeling will come, and stronger the older baby gets.

It didn't happen immediately with mine, either.

cheesebubble · 03/01/2021 20:16

The change you're going through is HUGE! I didn't love mine until he was about 4 months but I never said this out loud when it was the case because I society told me, I push out my baby and I love this bundle unconditionally. Well it wasn't the case. He's now almost 2 and I have never ever loved anything more on this entire planets.

Take each day as it comes, the love will come - I promise xxx

larrythelizard · 03/01/2021 20:28

I nearly wrote a similar post to this when my DC was about a week old. Like you I had a traumatic delivery (although no need for NICU) and failed breastfeeding.

One day, I suddenly realised how fiercely I loved him...at a guess he was a couple of months old - it sort of snuck up on me.

Sending hugs, I've been there. Make sure you talk to someone even if not your DH.

soughsigh · 03/01/2021 20:29

I genuinely think I hated my baby at 18 days. But he was never a sleeper and cried a lot. I didn't really start loving him till he started sleeping 7-5 at 14 months old.

I've only skimmed the thread, but just monitor your emotions for PND. At 18 days, the baby blues are normal but please reach out for support if you are feeling really low. I went on sertraline at 6 weeks old.

FTEngineerM · 03/01/2021 20:32

I said I love you to my DC at 4 months old (IIRC) and I remember being surprised by it just coming out. It hadn’t before that point.

My DP just said it this weekend DC is 6m.

I didn’t get a ‘rush’ at first but I wouldn’t have let him come to any harm at all.

GlmPmum · 03/01/2021 20:48

Totally normal. Took me a good few weeks to fall in love, late one night when I was cuddling him on the bed and husband cuddling me, its just felt amazing x

WhoLettheCatOut · 03/01/2021 21:50

Totally normal, months with my first, I really struggled with him and had some PND. I did tell him repeatedly I loved him out loud a lot but the shock pregnancy and having never really wanted a baby on top of a difficult home life just made it all really hard.

NotBehindTheRadiatorPlease · 04/01/2021 09:09

Honestly, it's totally normal and more common than you think! I didn't get that rush of love that everyone talked about with my DD. I would say I didn't love her until she was a few months old. Before then I did care about her and was protective, but that instant rush of unconditional love? Didn't get it.

She's now almost two and I adore her, but I didn't instantly. My love for her grew.

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