To be genuinely amazed that so many people have children

[aoneandatwo]

I’m a first time mum to an 8 month old baby and often struggle with parenting - it’s so repetitive, draining, hard work and relentless. It really does change your life so completely and utterly and that is a huge shock to the system!

Having experienced motherhood myself, I’m now quite amazed that so many people have kids and manage to be successful parents - and am even more amazed at those who go on to have a second or even a third.

I wouldn’t expect most people to have run a marathon or climbed Mount Everest, because both of those things are very hard to achieve - yet parenthood seems even harder in many ways but almost everyone seems to do it and do a good job!

@PatchworkElmer

I guess the problem is that you have no idea of the reality until you’re fairly committed and baby has arrived! You’re right though- I’m amazed by people who have more than one 😂

How do people have no idea of the reality though!? This is what I find wild. As people constantly talk about how hard it is. Maybe people just think they will do better?!

How do people have no idea of the reality though!? This is what I find wild. As people constantly talk about how hard it is.

I knew it was very, very hard (mainly from reading lots of posts on Mumsnet!) but even that didn’t prepare me for just how hard it really is. I think it’s genuinely impossible to truly understand it unless like other posters have said, you’ve had direct experience of young babies (like living with one for a period of time). I didn’t know anyone with a baby when I had mine and had never even held one before, let alone changed a nappy!

I’m now quite amazed that so many people have kids and manage to be successful parents

I'm not sure about the successful part, but most of us do our very best and that has to be good enough. I feel like a failure mostly, but my love for my kids is unyielding and boundless. So if you measure success that way... then yes, it's a parent's greatest one. I don't know how people have 4 and beyond kids. I think you have to really love, love, love occupying all of your mental space with kid stuff. If you need mental space and time to yourself, 2-3 is the magic number. I do think that with each child, we think we'll improve. Don't delude yourself with that one. Own who you are as a parent and be kind to yourself. It's a bit of a slog in the early years, but later on, having kids is what makes this a life worth living... worth fighting for (as my brother is doing right now... fighting to live so he can see his children grow into adults).

Haha I totally felt the same! Until DD turned out 2.

Being a first time parent is like jumping out of a plane blindfolded with no prior training and a faulty parachute. I’m expecting DC2 in August and feel much more prepared!

Babies are such hard work. Parenting is hard- it’s the very reason Mumsnet was invented!

@Theworldisfullofgs

By the way I found the babies tedious...

Definitely

2nd ones are easier too. Even if it’s shit you know it won’t last forever. With the first that’s not so easy to know! 😂

I didn’t know anyone with a baby when I had mine and had never even held one before, let alone changed a nappy!

I was surrounded by babies and nappies growing up. I was a proper mini-mother hen. And then I grew up and had my own. Holy smokes, it's amazing how the euphoria of birth slides into 'WT absolute F am I doing?' territory in a matter of days! I think with your first, you lose 'you'. Your identity does this massive, overnight shift and suddenly- and for the rest of your life- it's not about you anymore. Nothing is ever about you, ever again. And it's a total shock to the system. And then you realise, 'It's not about me. It never was'. And this is truly liberating and beautiful. You become part of something you've created: A family. Something that was always in you to create. Miraculous stuff. And it's just a ride like no other. So baby's 2 and 3 and the rest are easier because you've earned the stripes and you're now so comfortable with yourself.
It's a bit of a bumpy ride, the foray into parenting (be nice to each other, you and DH. Cut each other huge slack. This is all 'first time' to you both- it's easy to be critical of each other because of the exhaustion). But then you get into the groove, get into the swing of things, and you realise you're pretty awesome and this baby is just a non-stop miracle. And then you have another one.

Congratulations. Don't forget to hug yourself, OP. Look after you and take it easy.

A huge part of me agrees with you!

We're very successfully biologically programmed to crave children. Plus before the first one, we don't actually KNOW how hard it is, and even when people tell us, we tell ourselves they're exaggerating because our biological urge makes us ignore all reason.

Thankfully the vast majority of us have no such programming to want to run a marathon or climb Everest.

@ILoveAllRainbowsx just to balance this out - there are upsides, very many, and of course this is why people have children (and often more than one). You'll have to take parents word for that of course but I promise it is true.

That's definitely the sensible way round to do it @ILoveAllRainbowsx

I find it baffling when people aren't sure of having kids and decide to have them just in case they regret not doing it. They don't come with a gift return receipt!

Just to add that I love my baby. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted kids but am now so glad I did - and I believe it was absolutely the right decision for me. If I was offered a chance to go back in time and give her back, I 100% would not. But at the same time it is extremely hard work!

I think I just answered my own question

Although a lot of your posts ring true for parenthood in general, you've also had a baby in the middle of a pandemic! Things are even tougher and more ground hog day this year, much more so than normal.

We are all just practising and pretending... no matter what age our kids are!

(2 teens here, still practising and pretending!)

It can be hard at times but the good outweighs the bad and makes it all worth it.

By the time you want to have another baby you are starting to get enough sleep to feel better, you totally forget how crap the newborn stage is because you were in a trance the whole time from lack of sleep.

@aoneandatwo every says this too about needing direct experience. Obviously I have that which is fairly unusual without being a parent I understand. But for me nothing taht happened or how things were for my sister and her husband was surprising to me. It was as hard and awful at times as I expected. But I'm child free and have been in a relationship with my partner for 16 years so I've have plenty of time to consider this. Maybe as I don't see many positives in parenthood I have been more focused on the negatives?!

But your original point still stands! I'm amazed how many people do it and especially manage to do it and do anything else.

We're very successfully biologically programmed to crave children.

Speak for yourself, mate!

As a non-parent, very much by choice, having kids has always looked like a complete nightmare to me. The thing I have always struggled most to understand, however, is that even if parents were naive about the realities of having their first child, and then finding it incredibly hard, as everyone seems to, they then knowingly decide to have more. Why?

I have concluded that some women’s brains must be wired very differently to mine....

@NameChange37836

When do they learn to bring you the remote? I want that stage please 😂

My almost 2 year old has been doing that for a while... but unfortunately he's now also learned how to use the remote to change the channel to the cartoons

People ate not going to be showing their trials and tribulations when out and about.
It's like going to someone's house and marvelling how tidy it is when they have three young kids. Because they are having guests It's tidy - believe you me it is not like that most of the time!
I found babyhood completely boring too.

Speak for yourself, mate!

Well obviously I'm speaking about humans in general.

It's what you're used to though. An 8 month old baby is really boring but also pretty easy to look after, they don't really need much. One new baby can be a shock to the system and is a huge adjustment, but I've got three children now and I would find looking after one small baby quite easy now.

Things change too. A three year old is loads of fun and in many ways easier to care for (just throw a sandwich at them etc) but also has tantrums and a lot of self-will which can be hard to manage.

My kids are 1, 3 and 5. I find them all a joy and three has been easier than one for me, but that's not to say it isn't hard and relentless and quite boring at times.

I do think having very low expectations helps, I don't really expect my life to be glamorous or exciting or anything other than quite mundane and ordinary, and so I'm quite content!

I had our 3rd dd after a 9 year gap with the other dds. I thought it would be a doddle as I was an older mum and my first two were quite easy. My lovely now 14 year old was a massive wake up call and I felt overwhelmed and not at all prepared. Because I already had two I was assuming people would think I was an old pro so no trouble. I remember bumping into an old friend in town one day when dd was about 2 months old and we had gone out because all she did was cry if she wasn't feeding or being walked. My friend asked how I was and I replied great. She looked at me and said 'you can tell the truth you know'. To me that was permission to admit I was feeling rather overwhelmed and not enjoying it at all! Its ok to say that and its ok to feel that. I absolutely adore my 3 girls and now have an amazing little grandson but yes seeing people with new babies I do sometimes think rather them than me. My lovely friend went onto have 2 more in her late 30s and then her fourth in her mid 40s. Shes trashed bless her. Her ds has been very very hard work and my friend and husband always have that wtf look to them. But they absolutely love him to bits and he is a great kid. Anyway sorry its a long reply. I do love my kids and sorry to say but even when they leave home and carve out lives for themselves they are always your babies and you will always worry. My older dds are 26 and 23 now and I do still get anxious about them. Its a fun ride you've just got to enjoy it as much as possible and don't fret when you just feel like you want to get off xxxx

I sometimes wonder about this too. My two are 10 and 8 and you couldn't pay me enough money to go back to the relentless baby-toddler-small child years