Should I have another child? Advice needed please.

[Toastandtea1]

I posted this in AIBU but realised it prob belongs over here in parenting so ...

Context: I am happily married with one DD (3 yrs old). Have always wanted 2 children for as long as I can remember. Think I like the idea of child having a buddy to play with etc / don’t want child being only child (although saying that my husband is only child and is the most well adjusted person I know)

However... I developed several chronic illnesses over the last few years since daughter was born, one of which could be made worse by pregnancy/having a new born (or could be made better there’s no way of knowing). Also complicating matters, my first pregnancy with DD was hard. Mental health issues were triggered by severe sickness. It ended up being a complicated pregnancy with quite a traumatic birth with emergency c section.

I think part of me wanting another is to try again as it were, to prove to others (and myself?) that I am able to be “healthy-pregnant” (even tho I’ve got several chronic illnesses on the side). Hope that makes sense?

AIBU for wanting another child??

I'm in the same boat as you Op, HG severely affected my mental health with DD and I would so love another but am too scared. She is 8 now and I regret spending so many years scared... if you want another , go for it xx

I think if another pregnancy would put your mental and physical health at risk, you'd be jeopardising the happiness and stability of your existing child in order to give them a sibling they might not even get on with! I'd stick with one if i were you.

I obviously cannot comment at all on the effect of pregnancy and giving birth on your other health conditions, as I don't know what they are, or anything about that, so firstly I'd recommend discussing that with relevant HCPs if you have questions/concerns about that.

Aside from the health implications, I would say have another child if that's what you actually want - not if all you want is another 'go' at pregnancy and birth. Becoming pregnant is about creating the child - who will go on to become an adult child after all - the pregnancy and birth are the means, not the purpose of creating a child. I am sorry if that sounds patronising or anything, it's just you did mention that as a possible motivation in your post, and I don't think that is a positive motivation for creating a child. Especially because if you raise expectations about having an amazing pregnancy and birth this time around and go for it, you mind find that is not your experience after all. I'm not sure if you are aware or not, but the fact that you had HG first time around massively increases your risks of having HG again with subsequent pregnancies. Iirc from the research, most women who have HG in their first pregnancy go on to have it again with a second, and usually worse the second time around as well. There is a charity called Pregnancy Sickness Support (PSS) who might be able to talk through the HG research/implications with you if you're interested. That's obviously just about likehilood though, it doesn't mean that you as an individual will have it again, of course.

To share my own background just as it may shed light on my post a little - I have a 2.5 yr old DD and we are ttc our 2nd. I had HG during pregnancy and a traumatic assisted delivery which resulted in long-term, not insignificant pelvic floor damage.

@XJerseyGirlX

I'm in the same boat as you Op, HG severely affected my mental health with DD and I would so love another but am too scared. She is 8 now and I regret spending so many years scared... if you want another , go for it xx

Oh gosh I’m so sorry you had HG too. Hope you can find peace eventually

@Ohalrightthen

I think if another pregnancy would put your mental and physical health at risk, you'd be jeopardising the happiness and stability of your existing child in order to give them a sibling they might not even get on with! I'd stick with one if i were you.

I think you’re right. I wouldn’t dream of risking my DD’s happiness, I just feel I’m taking away from that by not giving her a sibling?

@MeadowHay

I obviously cannot comment at all on the effect of pregnancy and giving birth on your other health conditions, as I don't know what they are, or anything about that, so firstly I'd recommend discussing that with relevant HCPs if you have questions/concerns about that.

Aside from the health implications, I would say have another child if that's what you actually want - not if all you want is another 'go' at pregnancy and birth. Becoming pregnant is about creating the child - who will go on to become an adult child after all - the pregnancy and birth are the means, not the purpose of creating a child. I am sorry if that sounds patronising or anything, it's just you did mention that as a possible motivation in your post, and I don't think that is a positive motivation for creating a child. Especially because if you raise expectations about having an amazing pregnancy and birth this time around and go for it, you mind find that is not your experience after all. I'm not sure if you are aware or not, but the fact that you had HG first time around massively increases your risks of having HG again with subsequent pregnancies. Iirc from the research, most women who have HG in their first pregnancy go on to have it again with a second, and usually worse the second time around as well. There is a charity called Pregnancy Sickness Support (PSS) who might be able to talk through the HG research/implications with you if you're interested. That's obviously just about likehilood though, it doesn't mean that you as an individual will have it again, of course.

To share my own background just as it may shed light on my post a little - I have a 2.5 yr old DD and we are ttc our 2nd. I had HG during pregnancy and a traumatic assisted delivery which resulted in long-term, not insignificant pelvic floor damage.

My main condition is ME CFS and at the point where I need electric wheelchair for out and about. The problem with ME CFS is some people get better when pregnant, some get worse and some stay the same so it’s a huge risk. To be honest my husband and I had a heart to heart about it last night and realised that it really is too risky to attempt another pregnancy. As much as that breaks my heart I have to be sensible.

I think you should only have another child if you really want another child. Don't have one because of a rose tinted idea of an ideal sibling relationships. It very definitely does not always work out that way. DC2 could end up being the bane of DC1s life, either in childhood or adulthood.

@Toastandtea1 I don't know anything about it, but I can understand your concerns now that you've explained, and it sounds like you've now made your decision, hard as that was. Wishing you all the best and hope you can make peace with your decision.

If you really want another one - go for it!!! 9 months of possibly poor physical and mental health (which you are aware of and can seek support for during the entire time) is a small sacrifice for a lifetime of happy memories with your husband and children. You have to think long-term here about what kind of future you want.

@HayJkl I think you've missed the part where another pregnancy could cause life-long, serious exacerbation of her existing chronic health condition - she IS thinking of the long-term, that's her concern?

I wouldn't. I have a friend who had a very premie (24wk) baby and both spent 3 months in hospital in another country. Friend nearly died also due to blood loss. They are now expecting a 4th and again in hospital at 26wks, having spent Xmas apart from their children and its touch and go everyday. They will be there until baby is born. Of course I wish them nothing but the best and hope for good health but can't fathom how they would put their body through it again and risk leaving their children motherless. I wouldn't have another just for the sibling aspect either. It may not live up your expectations.

@HayJkl

If you really want another one - go for it!!! 9 months of possibly poor physical and mental health (which you are aware of and can seek support for during the entire time) is a small sacrifice for a lifetime of happy memories with your husband and children. You have to think long-term here about what kind of future you want.

Minus points for reading comprehension- pregnancy could have serious health implications, long term!

@HayJkl

If you really want another one - go for it!!! 9 months of possibly poor physical and mental health (which you are aware of and can seek support for during the entire time) is a small sacrifice for a lifetime of happy memories with your husband and children. You have to think long-term here about what kind of future you want.

Can you not have any happy memories with one child then?

@reefedsail

I think you should only have another child if you really want another child. Don't have one because of a rose tinted idea of an ideal sibling relationships. It very definitely does not always work out that way. DC2 could end up being the bane of DC1s life, either in childhood or adulthood.

That’s what I worry about, what if they just really didn’t get on. I think I just want to give DD a chance to be an amazing big sister which I reckon she’d be. But is that naive thinking it’s that simple?

[quote MeadowHay]@Toastandtea1 I don't know anything about it, but I can understand your concerns now that you've explained, and it sounds like you've now made your decision, hard as that was. Wishing you all the best and hope you can make peace with your decision.[/quote]
Thank you for your kind words. If you have a free moment, the Action for M.E. explains the condition well: www.actionforme.org.uk/get-information/what-is-me/what-does-me-feel-like/

@HayJkl

If you really want another one - go for it!!! 9 months of possibly poor physical and mental health (which you are aware of and can seek support for during the entire time) is a small sacrifice for a lifetime of happy memories with your husband and children. You have to think long-term here about what kind of future you want.

I’m loving the optimism but we don’t know that I would end up ok. The risks are pretty huge to my health and my relationships with everyone basically (I already rely on family a lot for childcare support)

@Mumbum2011

I wouldn't. I have a friend who had a very premie (24wk) baby and both spent 3 months in hospital in another country. Friend nearly died also due to blood loss. They are now expecting a 4th and again in hospital at 26wks, having spent Xmas apart from their children and its touch and go everyday. They will be there until baby is born. Of course I wish them nothing but the best and hope for good health but can't fathom how they would put their body through it again and risk leaving their children motherless. I wouldn't have another just for the sibling aspect either. It may not live up your expectations.

Oh my word I’m so sorry to hear about your friend, that’s so very sad. So they have 4 children now? What happened with the 2nd and 3rd births??

I say go for it. Biologically there is so much to be said for having as many kids as humanly possible.

That's from someone with severe mental health issues - I just feel so much stronger knowing my kids will always have each other - and it makes me feel stronger too, strengthened by the love they have for each other and for me. A big family is a happy family.

But I have no direct experience of ME so shrug

@BeautifulSofa

I say go for it. Biologically there is so much to be said for having as many kids as humanly possible.

That's from someone with severe mental health issues - I just feel so much stronger knowing my kids will always have each other - and it makes me feel stronger too, strengthened by the love they have for each other and for me. A big family is a happy family.

But I have no direct experience of ME so shrug

Wow.

A small family is also a happy family.

@BeautifulSofa

I say go for it. Biologically there is so much to be said for having as many kids as humanly possible.

That's from someone with severe mental health issues - I just feel so much stronger knowing my kids will always have each other - and it makes me feel stronger too, strengthened by the love they have for each other and for me. A big family is a happy family.

But I have no direct experience of ME so shrug

I’m really sorry I don’t really know what to say to this comment 😳

@bookworm14

A small family is also a happy family.

Thank you 😊 we are very happy as our little team of 3, I just worry that she could be happier as a 4?

In say - 10 years time - would you look back and regret / be unhappy if you didnt try for another and you still just had 1 child?

@BeautifulSofa

I say go for it. Biologically there is so much to be said for having as many kids as humanly possible.

That's from someone with severe mental health issues - I just feel so much stronger knowing my kids will always have each other - and it makes me feel stronger too, strengthened by the love they have for each other and for me. A big family is a happy family.

But I have no direct experience of ME so shrug

I sincerely hope you're getting help, this is some severely disordered thinking.

Not exactly the same but I have 2 DC. I really wanted a 3rd but with DD I was so poorly (mentally and physically, I had HG) I spent a lot of time away from DS (3 at the time) in hospital and, lets be honest, in bed. It does make me feel a bit sad that I won't have any more but actually I am here, I am well and I cannot put my family through that again.