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Original poster

Thinking of being a SAHM

39 replies

Victoria6 · 26/12/2020 15:54

Hi All

Just want you advice please. I'm 30 and currently on maternity leave, I'm due back to work next summer. I've had my first child and I am in love with him so much that I just want to stay with him always. Thinking about going back to work and being away from him upsets me.

I'm thinking of taking a career break and staying home with my baby for about a year. This is so I can spend as much them with him as I can. I've got savings to last me a year and them I'm hoping to go back to work in 2022.

The company I work for allow staff to have career breaks for a period and then return back. My DH said that I should do whatever makes me happy.

I've always suffered from anxiety and one of the things that has helped me is keeping myself busy at work.

I am just worried that if I do stay at home until 2022 then my anxiety may increase if I don't find things to keep busy with.

I wanted to know if there are any SAHM on Mumsnet and how you occupy your time?.

Many thanks x

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Alovelycupoftea88 · 26/12/2020 17:08

I’m not a SAHM but have recently returned to work after mat leave. Tbh if I had the option to take a career break I’d go for it. It’s hard juggling being a new mum and working so make the most of the opportunity! It’s only a year of your life - you have so many more to work and build your career. Hopefully baby classes will open up again next year and things will begin to become more normal so you’ll have lots of opportunities to occupy your time.

Audreyhelp · 26/12/2020 17:10

I think go with your heart , You will never get this time back .

MerlotChiantiMontepulicano · 26/12/2020 17:14

I've recently went back to work after 4.5 years as a sahm with DS. I was fortunate that financially I didn't need to work and my new job is only 16 hours a week and is ideal around school runs.

Being a sahm has not been easy, and there have been days and weeks I have struggled, it's relentless. But I don't regret a single minute of it.

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mrsed1987 · 26/12/2020 17:15

I went back to work march 2020 leaving my 13 month old in nursery. I hated it and had actually already handed my notice in, due to finish in April to be a sahm. then covid hit and I was able to extend my notice and worked at home for 6 months with him there.

I actually decided to do some self employed work and he went back to nursery in September as a 19 month old and it was so much easier and now at nearly 2 he loves it.

I love him more than anything but started to feel like I was just a mummy and nothing more, obviously being a sahm works for a lot of people and I did think that's what I wanted but in reality I found it tough.

I now work 3 days a week and that to me is a perfect balance.

I think you need to do what you feel is right, would you be able to drop hours or even leave but get back in to your work easily? M

MerlotChiantiMontepulicano · 26/12/2020 17:15

I was always very busy between trips to the park, soft play, playgroups, swimming, play dates, seeing family etc but appreciate things are a bit different at the moment.

peapotter · 26/12/2020 17:16

Long term SAHM here.

I volunteer, meet up with other mums and do fun stuff with my kids. The first two will be harder the next few months but there’s often stuff to do if you look. Our January plan is making cards for housebound people in our church and street with my toddler, and delivering them on little walks. It’s good to have some aims to get out of the house and do something useful otherwise we get stuck in front of the telly.

Also use the time, if you can, to get on top of housework and dinner so that you can have more family time when dh isn’t working. I never manage this though.

peapotter · 26/12/2020 17:19

Oh, if there are still toddler groups or outdoor groups open in your area, why not ask if you can help. We are struggling in our region as many of our helpers are elderly. Turning up early to set out toys, with a little one in tow, isn’t much work and is a great way to keep occupied and meet people.

cataclysmiclife · 26/12/2020 17:19

I did 1 year mar leave and 1 year sabbatical. It was good to have that time and was cost effective as I had a multiple birth. However I wish I'd gone back after 18 months. It was a revelation to go back to work and feel a bit more 'me'. It's very much a personal choice though. See what your career break policy is regarding returning early if you feel you want to.

MadamFlutterby · 26/12/2020 17:26

Don't give up your autonomy.

TooMinty · 26/12/2020 17:33

I stayed home for a year with both of mine, my work do a pretty generous package and most women do take at least 9 months or the full year. Both times I really enjoyed it and felt it was great for the kids but I also really liked going back to work. Personally I couldn't be a full time SAHP but understand it works for some people. No need to make a decision now though. When my first was tiny I didn't think I'd want to return to work but as he got older I changed my mind!

Fuscialuscia · 26/12/2020 17:39

Just returned to work and I absolutely love the balance that it brings to my life. I enjoy a different focus, to be able to speak to other people, and to be a whole person- I am not just a mom. I find my job rewarding so that does make a difference so I understand if you’re not enjoying your job then being a SAHM would be a better alternative. I also found maternity leave really difficult under lockdown so I’m enjoying some normality by being back at work. My DS is also thriving at childcare, new experiences and being able to socialise with other people is making a massive difference to being stuck indoors with just me. It’s individual choice and I hope nothing that I’ve said offends you I’m just saying what worked for me personally.

MisiSam · 26/12/2020 17:44

I'm a sahm and I really enjoy it, I'm not a busy sort of person so I don't have lots of things to do all week, we just go with the flow really so I'm not much help there, I'm the opposite and get anxious when I have lots to do!
Things we do (post lockdown) we're
-Meet other mums and babies in the area for coffee/Park/baby groups ect
-Go to the library rhyme time session.
-visit grandparents.
-play in the garden or go for walks.

As your baby gets older you will naturally be busier and busier, my son is 19 months old now and keeps me on my toes, it's true you never get the time back and if you can do it then it is really nice to spend that time with them when they are young.

Original poster

Victoria6 · 26/12/2020 17:46

Thanks all for your messages, they're very helpful and have given me lots to think about.

My work is very flexible and I do love my job but it is a supervisory role and can get challenging so I thought I'd take some time to solely enjoy motherhood before I go back.

I will use the next few months to see how I am feeling and hopefully make a decision.

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SnailortheWhale · 26/12/2020 17:56

@Audreyhelp

I think go with your heart , You will never get this time back .

Sorry but I think this is terrible advice. A significant decision that could change the course of your life, your earning potential, pension contributions etc should NOT be made with your heart. It should be made with your head. You’re a parent and you need to be responsible not making knee jerk decisions based on how much you love being with your baby right now. And you also won’t get back the pension contributions and career progression so it’s not that one dimensional. It’s a massive, massive decision to step out of the workplace, especially as we face the worst depression our generation will have ever experienced. You need to think it through extremely carefully, sketching out various scenarios and working out how each aspect of your life will work and whether you are being at all realistic thinking you can step back into work in 2022.

Only you can make this decision but for goodness sake don’t just go with your heart. Use your head.

manchestermom5 · 26/12/2020 17:59

Being a SAHM is a luxury provided you don't have any financial problems. Spend time with your children when you can.

Parker231 · 26/12/2020 18:00

You will love your DC just as much whether you are a working or SAHM. I couldn’t be a SAHM but everyone is different so you have to do what is right for you.

HollowTalk · 26/12/2020 18:03

I think if you are married, have a joint bank account and pay your NI contributions for your pension, then go for it! It's a lovely time to spend with your child. I'd only do it if I was VERY confident in my marriage, though.

PolarnOPirate · 26/12/2020 18:04

There are loads of SAHM on mumsnet! I am one, I have a 5 and 3 yo and love it. Want one more babe but hopefully having a massive extension in 2021 so will be after then.

I am usually run off my feet, so many activities and places to go with the kids (ok maybe not during lockdown!), and then on top of that there are hobbies, then exercise, volunteering, house projects, socialising, the housework. I don’t understand when people say they couldn’t occupy themselves if they didn’t have a job. Just remember you’re a stay at home mum, not a housewife! Make sure you pay your NI and have your own savings.

FippertyGibbett · 26/12/2020 18:04

I was a SAHM and I say don’t do it, maintain your financial independence.

doctorhamster · 26/12/2020 18:04

I'm about to go back to work after almost 13 years as a sahm. I have absolutely no regrets and would do the same again in a heartbeat.

When mine were pre school age I used to fill our time with playgroups and meeting friends etc. Do you have any friends/acquaintances with babies? I would have been pretty lonely if I hadn't had that I think.

PolarnOPirate · 26/12/2020 18:05

Oh I mean to say, re anxiety, I am the same. I love being busy. I have recently started meds for anxiety and do a looooad of meditation, exercise etc which really helps. So you might have more time to deal with your anxiety as a SAHM.

tribpot · 26/12/2020 18:13

I have to echo @SnailortheWhale - this is a very difficult decision to make when we are going into a severe economic downturn. You do need to look at a range of scenarios such as your role being eliminated to work out whether it's better to find a compromise that might give you better job security long term. Can your DH pay into your pension to compensate for the time you aren't earning? What about independent savings as @PolarnOPirate mentions? How secure is your DH's job?

Original poster

Victoria6 · 26/12/2020 18:23

We both work for the civil service and our jobs offer alot of flexibility. If I do decide to stick with work I may ask to work from home for a few days or go part time.

We have a career break policy which allows staff to take a break and then when they return they're given their original role back.

I have plenty in my savings so l am financially independent.

I do have alot to think about.

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Original poster

Victoria6 · 26/12/2020 18:25

@tribpot our jobs are secure as they are government departments, if our offices ever did have to close we would be redeployed with the same pay.

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Ohalrightthen · 26/12/2020 18:49

Seeing as youre set financially and careerwise either way, i would say wait and see how you feel when baby is here. I always thought I'd be a SAHM, in the end i fucking loathed it and went back to work when DD was 4 months old.

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