Thinking of being a SAHM

[Victoria6]

Hi All

Just want you advice please. I'm 30 and currently on maternity leave, I'm due back to work next summer. I've had my first child and I am in love with him so much that I just want to stay with him always. Thinking about going back to work and being away from him upsets me.

I'm thinking of taking a career break and staying home with my baby for about a year. This is so I can spend as much them with him as I can. I've got savings to last me a year and them I'm hoping to go back to work in 2022.

The company I work for allow staff to have career breaks for a period and then return back. My DH said that I should do whatever makes me happy.

I've always suffered from anxiety and one of the things that has helped me is keeping myself busy at work.

I am just worried that if I do stay at home until 2022 then my anxiety may increase if I don't find things to keep busy with.

I wanted to know if there are any SAHM on Mumsnet and how you occupy your time?.

Many thanks x

@PolarnOPirate I’m really curious about what you mean by this:

Just remember you’re a stay at home mum, not a housewife!

Do you mean that you shouldn’t be expected to do things like the cleaning and cooking? If so, I wouldn’t be particularly happy if I was your DH, with two kids at least one of whom is in school, if you didn’t cover the vast majority of those tasks day to day!

First mistake: OP you’re implying that you will fund being a SAHM. If you have a partner whos working then remember he isn’t paying any childcare fees with you being at home, therefore don’t just use up your savings. Their earnings are family earnings.

Mistake 2: a baby and a toddler are two diff things. My first baby mat leave was blissful, but I was so happy to be back at work as 1-2 yrs old are exhausting, so physical with no communication. Just keep an open mind, your LO may not always be a sweet calm baby, you may relish working.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers ofcourse, DH would be paying towards things too.

I've been looking into company policies and if I was to take some time out let's say a year but want to return earlier that's absolutely fine they just require a month's notice.

SAHM here to a 3yr old and almost-2yr old. It's not easy. Some days I long to just leave my DC with someone else/nursery/nanny and jump on the tube to an office for 8hrs. It's relentless. But I have a super close age gap with my DC so that has made it particularly hard.

HOWEVER, I'm so grateful I've got to spend this time with my DC and mostly i absolutely love being a SAHM. I have lots of mum friends and keep busy with playgroups and toddler activities (although this year has been a challenge). I don't think I'll ever go back to work- I love being at home and being available for my DC.

[quote SnailortheWhale]@PolarnOPirate I’m really curious about what you mean by this:

Just remember you’re a stay at home mum, not a housewife!

Do you mean that you shouldn’t be expected to do things like the cleaning and cooking? If so, I wouldn’t be particularly happy if I was your DH, with two kids at least one of whom is in school, if you didn’t cover the vast majority of those tasks day to day![/quote]
That’s a strangely aggressive response it means you’re there to interact with your kid, not be a slave to the house. That doesn’t mean I don’t do the vast majority of housework.

a baby and a toddler are two diff things. My first baby mat leave was blissful, but I was so happy to be back at work as 1-2 yrs old are exhausting, so physical with no communication. Just keep an open mind, your LO may not always be a sweet calm baby, you may relish working.

I agree with this. I loved my mat leave - loads of company, lots of things to do, lovely portable baby who was happy gazing at the world/snoozing/snacking. Post-1 friends went back to work, DD became more demanding and I felt frustrated and like my brain was turning to mush going from one playground or baby class to another.

If you can take a break until child is two and then go back that might be a good compromise. I was desperate to get ds out for a few sessions a week when he turned two and I could work a few hours (self employed so could juggle everything). He’s three and a half now and I’m amuch better mother for him being in childcare 3 days a week.

I was a civil servant. Took a career break to be a SAHM. Loved it. Never regretted it. If you can do it then go for it.

I think being civil service changes things, you're a lot more secure than other employment. I agree with others that the economy is about to go to shit so personally I am doing some freelancing but I am in a very niche work environment & my industry ground to a halt this year so I've had a good excuse not to work. I've been a sahm for three of the last four years and only recently wanted to work again, although our circumstances have made it easy for me to stay at home and our two boys have definitely benefitted from me not working, especially this year.

I also think that having extended time off benefits you as an employee, you'll learn juggling skills you never knew you had; take confidence from being a parent and, as long as you get the balance right, be happy in both roles if you do decide to go back.

I was similar to you, being with DD was everything to me and I spent my maternity leave cuddling her all day. Unfortunately I had to go back, I did 3 full days. It was so so hard, that first year. Trying to get a baby to nursery, rushing to get a screaming DD in the car, off to nursery for the whole day and running to collect her. And oh god, the illness. I had so many coughs/ colds and bugs I didn’t even know existed. Having to go to work on days where I got 3 hours sleeps and DD had a constant runny nose. It’s bloody hard and from the outside I think working Mums/ parents make it look easy but it can be relentless.

I mean, I don’t regret it because I got through it and by age 2 DD was loving nursery and is so so advanced. But second time around? Nope, I really hope to take about 2 years out!

On the plus side, staying in work meant that I got another job opportunity, things are great financially and we have been able to move to a big house. When I take my next mat leave/ career break I’ll get to be around for DD when she starts school.

So definitely consider whether it would be better to take a career break after a second child instead (If you are planning another!).

Also- I wouldn’t be using your savings as income? It would be better to live off your Dh’s wage and if you can’t do that maybe it is an issue?

@PolarnOPirate there was literally zero aggression in my post, you have completely invented that but ok. I was just asking a genuine question because your comment seemed a bit odd to me! I’m still not really clear on the distinction you’re making, it seems like it’s just a terminology thing if you do indeed do the majority of household tasks. But I was just after a polite explanation, there’s no need to take a genuine question in such a spiky way!

Would you be able to use your savings to make it easier to go part time for longer rather than to stay at home a year and presumably then go back full time?

I think this is the best of both worlds. Being at home all the time with a 6 month old is not the same as being home with a 1.5/2 year old. By then, it’s much more exhausting and challenging. I was always so grateful for those days at work to re-charge. But I’ve found that working 3-4 days and still having a day or two at home was a really nice balance. It meant time for myself but also time to do fun things but without so much of the daily grind of being a parent all day every day. I’d much rather do that for 4 years than to take an extra year off when they are little. Those days were actually much more fun at 3-4 years than at 18 months too.

Also I think the key to going back to work with little stress is not getting stuck being the one who facilitates that happening. When you share the drop offs and pick ups, the packing up of nursery things, the admin side of it equally, it’s not you dashing around stressed all the time. Getting young children out the door in the morning is work (it’s worse when they get to school!), but it’s not nearly as challenging if your partner is doing half of it.

Are you planning on more children? If so I’d consider when you might want to use the career break depending on what sort of gap you might want. It seems like a long way off but when you’re baby starts school, there’s likely to be staggered starts, shorter days etc to deal with and wfh this year made it much easier than it otherwise might have been as my eldest started school and I had just come off mat leave with my second. If I could have had a career break, I’d have appreciated it most after mat leave with my second to avoid double nursery fees and logistical challenges with school transition.