Parents of young children, how do you split household chores?

[duploid]

I have two young children under 3, and have been feeling resentful towards my husband re the share of household responsibilities. Can I set out what we each do, and see what other families do and how fair our split is?

Context: I'm currently on maternity leave. Our baby is not very chilled - I can't get her to nap without me next to her, so there isn't any baby-free time during the day. My husband works from home. My older child goes to nursery. We have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight.

I cook, do laundry, organise the weekly food shop, do the dishwasher, clean up after meals, tidy after our toddler.

I look after the baby most of the day but my husband takes her at 5 for half an hour before we pick up our toddler together. I tend to get as much of lunch ready as I can before I take the baby out for our morning walk. My husband will normally need to pop something in the oven or make pasta, etc.

We do bath time together. I then settle the baby while he sorts the toddler. The toddler is not compliant - he takes her to bed at 8 but usually isn't downstairs until 9. I've usually settled the baby by 7.45. I also look after the baby by myself overnight (multiple wakings).

My husband tidies too, but probably less than me. He will take the bins out if I ask, repeatedly. He looks after the toddler from bath time until when she's asleep (9).

My husband says I'm on maternity leave, and whilst it's tricky getting chores done with the baby, it is still possible. He says he's often working until very late, and can't see when he'd have time to do more chores. I agree he's very dedicated to his work and does work hard, but my counter is that's his choice, he doesn't need to work that hard, and he's choosing his work to my detriment as I'm having to pick up the slack. Am I being unfair? We're now at an impasse.

Bump

I think that, rather than list all the things you both do, it can be easier to think of it from the other way round - how much free time do you both have? Is it correct to say that, including his long working hours, he has similar (or less) free time to you?

Personally I would (and do) support my DH to work hard if I felt that it was for a good reason, ie it was leading in the direction of career progression that would ultimately benefit all of us. Is that the case? Or do you feel that his long hours are completely unnecessary?

Do you have to pick up the toddler together? Could one of you be having a little break then?

Thank you @QuantumJump for that. It's hard to say how much 'free time' he has, because I feel like he's choosing to do that work rather than having to do it. He's an academic, he does research, and anyone in a similar line of work will tell you it's a bottomless pit and you can literally work 24-7 and still have more to do, if that's what you want to do. Obviously if he works hard that's good for his career, and that'd be great for him and I'd be happy for him. Financially, it's not necessary. My job pays a lot more than his, and he can stop working really if required (he won't as he enjoys his work).

Re toddler, I do drop-offs and he does pick-ups. I come along for pick-up with the baby in a sling, because the baby gets very crotchety in the evenings and it's easier if we go out for the walk. I don't think my husband would feel up to doing the pick-up with the baby in a sling on his own.

Get the baby napping properly. I know it’s hard. But that’s the thing that will unlock more time for you.

I think you need to be kind to each other. I took leave with my first baby with DH and he took the leave for the second, he is now a SAHD with some freelance work here and there. So we have both seen it from both sides, althohgh more dc, we’ve not used nursery or a cleaner, although I would if I could have so don’t take that negatively

When I have full time work like now, and it meant I went back at 5 weeks, I still take my share of house and baby and older dc
I cook 5/7 nights or so
I walk the dog every day
I do the online shopping and most meal planning
I do older DCs homework and reading nightly
I put the children in child in bed maybe 3/7 days but depends if I’m working in the evenings. If I’m not I do more. We try to alternate where possible but one adult does bedtime for all ages/children, we’ve never divided. Bedtime duty means getting them all down.
I initiate most laundry and bed/towel washes although once the process starts he often does the rest
I do all the finances and bills, savings, direct debits, insurances and life admin
I book all the appointments eg docs vets dentist opticians and outings but he does the actual going to the appointment
I mow the lawn and do the allotment and grow the plants and veg
I clean the oven

He clears up after tea and does the dishes
He cooks 2/7 days ish
He gets up with the dc in the night and early morning risers and does breakfast
He also walks the dog daily and feeds/cleans out the other animals
He vacuums and cleans bathrooms and does general cleaning
Bathes the children and does hair and nails, washes nappies.
He keeps on top of Christmas jumper day and when the Christmas play is and parents evening, takes them to groups and swimming lessons and the dc admin
He cuts the hedges and paints/maintains fences and outbuildings, jet washes things.
He does bins and recycling
He cleans the wheelie bins and hob

We both do the general DIY and decorating usually evenings and weekends (perpetual doer-upper, we have scaffolding up at the mo for repairs on the extension and plastering to do)

I know... I'm totally trying. We're currently using a sleep programme but progress is slow if at all existent.

Does this mean the key is not asking more of him (so he's doing his share), but rather trying to find time elsewhere?

I should also add - I feel like I'm more efficient with my time when looking after the little ones, so I would do some chores at the same time as caring for them. He doesn't, and it's not because he's more attentive to the children (because he will often be on his phone), he just doesn't seem able or willing to.

Why is toddler at nursery (I assume) until so late in the day if you are home with baby?

@ChanklyBore you're right we need to be kind to each other. I think we normally are, but I'm just feeling very resentful at the moment. Your lists sound a lot more balanced than ours I think.

@EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide what's this relevant? I feel incredible guilt for not having the toddler home with me as it is. It's just not possible at the moment, as the baby doesn't sleep unless I'm next to her, and I just can't do that with a toddler in a tow. Trust me I've explored a lot of options, I feel so sad she's not home with me, but it is the way it is for now.

When are you due to go back to work? I think the really key thing is that he does his fair share of chores then. I think it does sound like he's doing a reasonable amount now, given that you're on maternity leave. Sorry OP, I know that's not the answer you wanted.

@QuantumJump no no I'm actually really pleased you said that. I think unless I make this into a massive deal, he won't realistically do much more, so the path of least resistance is my making my peace with the status quo. And if others think it's fair, then it's fair, and it's fine.

When I went back to work after number one, the split remained the same. I just seem more efficient at chores than him, and would do bits here and there. Plus I'm a lot more organised at things like online food shop.

I didn't mean to sound judgy and sorry if I did. I have three, youngest is 3 and eldest is 7, middle one is 6. My husband is the wage earner and his job is difficult so he's rarely had any time off when the children were born. In fact apart from our first he had two days off after I'd given birth and gone straight back to work 😱. With my first two it was a shock to the system as my first was only just turning 1 when second came along, and I was totally alone till 9pm each day. But they grew up with such a strong bond it was lovely looking back. I just found a routine with time, I relied on the slow cooker in those days and I even bought pre chopped veg and meat and threw it all in there first thing then dinner was sorted. Babies can be hard work but you've got to go about your day as much as possible, the baby shouldn't be taking up your whole day so much that you can't do a few chores, your husband sounds like he's doing a fair bit (far more than mine does!) can you get out and about a bit more with baby, walks to the park, drives out? It definitely breaks the day up. Your toddler would enjoy that too.

Sorry @EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide I'm a bit on edge and thought you were being judgmental. It's a sensitive subject because I feel so guilty about it.

If it weren't for the nap issue, things would be tricky but manageable. But the baby just won't nap on her own. She will cry and cry and only nap if I'm right next to her. I've tried powering through the day with only cat naps, but she's then incredibly emotional during her awake hours (understandable) and cries if not held. Which makes looking after a toddler at the same time difficult. I really feel like I've explored all avenues at this point, and am just waiting for her to get older and easier.

I think some of my frustration also relates to having to take on most of the mental load for the family - all financial planning, house admin, food shop, medical admin. I've tried delegating some of this in the past, and they just didn't get done.

It is really hard at that stage and can feel relentless. I have a 3yr and a 1yr currently. DH and I have a fairly even split now that I'm back at work (both full time) but it took a lot of discussions and negotiations to get to this point.

Some things that helped us:

Get the kids to bed earlier in the evening. We start bath time at 6.40 and generally DC are down by 7.10. No long, drawn out bath routine etc. Appreciate if toddler is hard to settle this will still have to be dealt with but at least DH might get down earlier than 9pm!

Put baby in baby carrier at any opportunity. Helps them sleep and allowed me to get housework done. Failing that, does baby sleep in the car/pram so you can be out and about (maybe with toddler) rather than stuck in the house?

Easy meals - use the slow cooker, oven tray bakes, meal order services, whatever makes it quick and easy.

Divide the jobs up so you can completely offload some of the mental load.

Hang in there, it will get easier!

Sorry just seen your updates. What happens when things don't get done? Do you step in to sort them? Is there any kind of consequence for your DH?

Thank you @skylarkdescending I do sling a lot. Most of the chores I get done during the day are done with her in the sling (but even that's tricky as she kicks off when I'm too stationery!). When she was tiny, I did look after both a few times as she was just in the sling, but it's not so easy now. Maybe my tolerance level for crying is too low, and I just need to expect some crankiness from the baby if I'm looking after two?

Zero consequences for husband, as I pick up the slack. If I don't, then we all suffer - because the food shop doesn't come, or the house is a tip, or the bins are smelly.

I could have written this post expect my eldest didn't go to nursery and we didn't have a cleaner.
I suppose I did get to spend time with family though for support so a bit different now with covid.

@GlassLake sounds hard. Did you feel resentful? How did you manage those feelings?

I have a 2yr old a 4m old. I do 90% of the housework because I'm at home and my husband is at work. In the evenings we work together, he'll have the kids while I do dinner, then we both clean up then do bedtime together. The baby takes hours to sleep, usually my husband will sit with him, rock him, bounce him till he's gone to sleep whilst I do the house stuff. Baby can take upto 3 hours to get to sleep!

I totally understand what it's like to have a difficult baby, have you explored any medical reason for her being so unsettled? My son was horrendous, cried day and night until he was diagnosed with reflux. We trialed a few different medications and now we're on the right one life is so much easier! My eldest was also a difficult baby due to a very late diagnosis of milk allergy.

It seems like your husband tries to do his bit do you think you'd feel the same if your baby napped and you could do chores in peace? I used to get so frustrated with my husband, but reality is the baby was the problem and cause of frustration.. not me or him but you don't get mad at baby for being needy.. that frustration gets directed elsewhere, in my case anyway.

How old is your baby?
Also could you get the cleaner around once a week instead of once a fortnight?
Can your husband do any cooking? Could he do 1 meal a week?
My husband works in the week but cooks for us on weekends to share the load. I have a 3 month old and 2 year old. It's pretty chaotic at our house too but we muddle through, husband does the dishes on a evening and tends to the toddler whilst I sort the baby.

I understand what you are saying about you all suffering but he will never need to step up if you always make things right. If the food shop doesn't come then he had to go to the supermarket. It the bins get smelly for 2 weeks he will empty them. I think he needs a short, sharp shock so he wakes up to the reality of how much you are doing. I have massively lowered my standards for the forseeable!

It sounds like you need some more time off.

Are you going back to work in the future?

Sorry just re read your post, he does put things in the oven etc.
To be honest it sounds as though he is slacking, like you said he doesn't need to work all the hours but it choosing too. You need to have a hard frank discussion with him and ask him to help out more.

When I went back to work after number one, the split remained the same. I just seem more efficient at chores than him, and would do bits here and there. Plus I'm a lot more organised at things like online food shop.*

For me when I go back to work it’s 50/50 or fuck off. In practice I do do more of the mental load but dh does a lot. And we earn equally. You are the breadwinner. I’d have a come to Jesus talk about I’m going back to work and we need to share the load. You will be unable to choose to work every evening because you have children. If you have to cut back on your working days as well to keep up at home then you have to do that, so I suggest you practice doing a couple of chores while looking after them instead of sitting on your phone. Look at the amount you do now, picture upping that to half the load and work out how you are going to do that.
dh leaves work early to Pick them up, brings them home and puts on dinner. He can do dinner bath bed solo. He shops and he’s mostly done the meal plan too , I don’t write the list for him. I couldn’t with a child for a husband as well as our actual two children.